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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Something isn't right thread #2

856 replies

FourAndFive · 21/08/2025 11:18

Thanks so much for all your help and support. I can't believe the first thread is full - there isn’t a huge amount to update on right now, but I am looking forward to the future with my head held high, whatever the outcome. I'll keep posting.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends?page=1

Something isn't right - emotional affair or just friends? | Mumsnet

Name changed for this. It's a bit of a blur, and long, apologies in advance. I need help and/or a slap to either wake me up to an emotional affair a...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends?page=1

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 11/09/2025 17:29

I'm glad you got some validation from an objective observer that you are not being unreasonable. Does the counselor know about his suicide threats? That's really vital info for them to have.

Your husband still thinks he can have it both ways, have his emotional affair partner and you at home and the more time apart, the more he's going to feel some blowback on his actions, at least I hope so.

I'm glad you've made your home a peaceful place and have plans. It's only been a couple months since you found out, you've really handled this well.

ILikeFerns · 11/09/2025 17:32

Will you really be able to forgive him if he does come around? Would you be able to trust that he had really chosen you and it wasn't just because she wasn't interested anymore? I think I would always be wondering about his boundaries with other women and I wouldn't want to be a person who doesn't trust their partner.
For me it's not the fact that maybe he likes her more than a friend, it's his behaviour, the lack of respect and contempt that he is showing you.

Dozer · 11/09/2025 17:34

‘Holding’ works for a little, but if he maintains his script, when might you call it a day?

If he’s moved out temporarily, DC are aware, you’ve made it clear you won’t continue the relationship unless he stops contact with OW - ie he should see what he stands to lose - and he’s still maintaining his script, the chances of him deciding to prioritise your marriage and family seem small.

Tartanboots · 11/09/2025 17:46

I'm glad you're doing as well as you can be OP. It looks like he hasn't yet realised that he simply can't have you, if she's still around. He likely won't fully realise that until he gets the divorce papers and then you might see the penny drop, maybe.

Madchest · 11/09/2025 18:10

It’s just a matter of time before the delusional old man makes a pass at the gullible woman and she will be horrified.

This is about to blow up in his face - it’s not ‘if’ it’s ‘when’.

He will then be heartbroken when she cuts off their friendship and hobby overnight and looking to you to wipe his tears and mop his brow…..

Mix56 · 11/09/2025 18:14

I can't remember where he went to live, is he with his Mummy? because in that case he hasn't really felt the blow of living in a flat alone, with no meals, no-one to talk to no Mrs Tiggywinkle etc.
You could to go on holiday with DC without him, put in for child allowance etc. Maybe it will hit home?
But should you have to guide him? Frankly I could have no respect for him after this. So the relationship would no longer have the same balance.

fedup078 · 11/09/2025 18:19

Madchest · 11/09/2025 18:10

It’s just a matter of time before the delusional old man makes a pass at the gullible woman and she will be horrified.

This is about to blow up in his face - it’s not ‘if’ it’s ‘when’.

He will then be heartbroken when she cuts off their friendship and hobby overnight and looking to you to wipe his tears and mop his brow…..

Edited

It would be hilarious but I think by this point his little ‘bestie’ can’t be unaware of the shit the pair of them are causing. Christ if some older man ever took a friendship with me so seriously that his wife threw him out I’d cut all contact myself. No way would I want a pawn in his drama if I wasn’t remotely interested in him romantically.

CanIgetARosePinkFrappucino · 11/09/2025 18:38

Mix56 · 11/09/2025 18:14

I can't remember where he went to live, is he with his Mummy? because in that case he hasn't really felt the blow of living in a flat alone, with no meals, no-one to talk to no Mrs Tiggywinkle etc.
You could to go on holiday with DC without him, put in for child allowance etc. Maybe it will hit home?
But should you have to guide him? Frankly I could have no respect for him after this. So the relationship would no longer have the same balance.

With all respect. Why he needs to be in a flat exactly

Mix56 · 11/09/2025 18:44

Is that a question?

Madchest · 11/09/2025 18:49

fedup078 · 11/09/2025 18:19

It would be hilarious but I think by this point his little ‘bestie’ can’t be unaware of the shit the pair of them are causing. Christ if some older man ever took a friendship with me so seriously that his wife threw him out I’d cut all contact myself. No way would I want a pawn in his drama if I wasn’t remotely interested in him romantically.

Show quote history

She will have been told a different version where he is the victim and OP is a dragon “my wife doesnt understand me” - he will be nudging for a sympathy hug then shag…..

But I think he will be disappointed. The oddest part of all of this is when her family rocked up to meet him - wonder if she is emotionally vulnerable in some way that they are looking out for her?

PanderBare · 11/09/2025 18:49

@CanIgetARosePinkFrappucino , Because it is different to living/staying in a family home.or a friend, he won't be sitting alone. If he is in a flat (or room or house) he'll get a taste of what living alone is like.

coravantexel · 11/09/2025 18:57

It is absolutely astonishing to me that he has taken his marriage right to the brink of collapse and he STILL won’t accept cutting this woman out of his life. I am sorry OP. And I am in awe of how you are handling this. He isn’t worth a tenth of you.

SallySuperTrooper · 11/09/2025 19:10

coravantexel · 11/09/2025 18:57

It is absolutely astonishing to me that he has taken his marriage right to the brink of collapse and he STILL won’t accept cutting this woman out of his life. I am sorry OP. And I am in awe of how you are handling this. He isn’t worth a tenth of you.

This! And can't believe the audacity of him in your update op He is in regular contact with the DC's and we talk off and on about how I'm feeling, how he's feeling, how important I am to him, that he wants us to be together... I can feel he wants everything to be okay again, but ultimately "he is allowed to have his friends and he cares about her".
Does he ever say why or how he cares about her?

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 11/09/2025 19:28

FourAndFive · 11/09/2025 16:14

Thank you to everyone for checking in. I'm still here. I am safe, thank you. And I appreciated the note from @TheTeaCosyofDoom

No news is just that, I'm afraid. There has been a few serious challenges over the last few weeks, and we've muddled through as best we can while being apart.

We have had one session with a marriage councillor after a few failed attempts and have the forward sessions secured. I was shocked - the councillor was clearly in my corner. I thought they weren't supposed to do that? It was very, very obvious to us both much to DH's annoyance <smirk>.

He is in regular contact with the DC's and we talk off and on about how I'm feeling, how he's feeling, how important I am to him, that he wants us to be together... I can feel he wants everything to be okay again, but ultimately "he is allowed to have his friends and he cares about her".

Part of me is still holding out for the addiction to finally register. By which time it may be too late - but as I said before I am in no rush, and while my instinct is stopping me from calling time on our lives together I am content to hold - our years married deserve it IMO.

[Little note: I am also well aware that holding onto the fact he might wake up to this madness is completely bonkers, but there we are.]

I have been looking after myself as much as I can. The house is a tidy, quiet sanctuary, and I have made some lovely plans for myself too. Ultimately I know I can let him go if it comes to it. I get a lot of strength from that.

It's still really, really hard though.

Glad to hear you're doing as well as you can @FourAndFive . You're not bonkers for holding on. You know who your husband is deep down and that you regret letting without trying, and you know your limits. I think you're doing amazingly.
I'm glad the counsellor you found wasn't impartial given the facts. He needs that straight talk and an honest opinion. Pandering to the man he is inside this bubble wouldn't be the best thing for him anymore than it is for you so it sounds like she ultimately has both your best interests at heart. A therapist wouldn't try and tell an alcoholic that it's ok they carry on drinking and that their wife should understand it and this is the same x

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 11/09/2025 19:41

Dozer · 11/09/2025 17:34

‘Holding’ works for a little, but if he maintains his script, when might you call it a day?

If he’s moved out temporarily, DC are aware, you’ve made it clear you won’t continue the relationship unless he stops contact with OW - ie he should see what he stands to lose - and he’s still maintaining his script, the chances of him deciding to prioritise your marriage and family seem small.

I think he was probably expecting the therapist to be able to talk op around.
Now she's also made clear he's being a dingbat he's got a bit more to think about.
I do think op will reach a limit to how long she'll even continue with counselling while he's still entertaining the 'friend' but only she will know when that point is reached. She's been really strong and balanced so far

StartupRepair · 11/09/2025 19:48

Glad you are taking the time you need OP. He really is a bit of an idiot, isn't he?

MeridianB · 11/09/2025 19:54

Presumably he hasn’t told his ‘friend’ that he’s not living at home at the moment?

Because surely she would either realise that it might have something to do with her and back away from him or be delighted and move things on.

If things are exactly the same it suggests she doesn’t know.

Plastictreees · 11/09/2025 20:07

Make sure that by holding, and essentially making space for him, that you aren’t diminishing yourself in the process. These things can have an insidious effect on self esteem.

It could be wise to set a date for yourself, so that you make a decision at that point and you aren’t in limbo endlessly. It can also help you take back some control.

SundayNightBluesAreHere · 11/09/2025 21:52

@FourAndFive I’ve just caught up on this thread after seeing the first one and in amongst all the shitty things he has said/done, the one thing that I don’t think I could forgive is him saying that he “would CS as there is nothing to live for and you’re taking everything away from him”.

He is married to you. With children.

If he doesn’t think you and his children are worth living for, then I can’t see how you can come back from this.

Take care of yourself x

MsPavlichenko · 11/09/2025 22:05

Plastictreees · 11/09/2025 20:07

Make sure that by holding, and essentially making space for him, that you aren’t diminishing yourself in the process. These things can have an insidious effect on self esteem.

It could be wise to set a date for yourself, so that you make a decision at that point and you aren’t in limbo endlessly. It can also help you take back some control.

This. It is so easy for all of us to learn to accept the new normal. Sometimes, if somebody dies for example it’s because there’s no other choice. It’s important for you to remember you can make different choices too, rather than wait for him to make his. It may be he has made his already, and won’t change it as I am sure you know.

I know you are being proactive, and making plans but the suggestion of setting a date internally is a good one, even if you change your mind. He’s essentially blown the world as you knew it apart. The more control you claw back the better for you.

99bottlesofkombucha · 11/09/2025 22:12

You are being very strong. When he says he wants to be with you, he couldn’t have a weekend away or an evening with you without messaging her.

Femaleone · 11/09/2025 23:14

@FourAndFive you are presenting yourself as so strong and I have no doubt you are and have had to be in this horrendous situation.

He is treating you and everything you have together so disrespectfully and cruelly. Yes, it is cruelty.

Is it possible he's early dementia/vascular or otherwise? Taking a substance that's affecting his mindset? It's so bizarre his needed attachment to this woman that he point blank will not stop contact with her.

At this point I'm inclined to think he's gone from you.

As admirably as you have handled this, let him go. He's not even condescendingly acknowledging how badly he's behaving or saying he will stop.

Don't allow yourself to be a crutch for him. You will never familiarly recognise him as the man you knew and loved. He has wronged you and your whole life together and continues to do so.

I'm in absolute wonder at the "hobby" and her family's compliance in all of this.

If she were my daughter, I'd be worried about obsessive/attachment from an older married man.

Is she / her family aware of CS threat he made simply because you requested he cut contact with her.

Bizarre behaviour.

Stay strong @FourAndFive all best wishes x

JimmyGiraffe · 11/09/2025 23:25

Thanks for the update OP. Is it a case of he can come back if he gives her up (I wouldn’t blame you if this were the case) or are you apart indefinitely to see how things pan out?And I assume things haven’t changed between him and her?

PigletSanders · 11/09/2025 23:30

He is such a fool. Such an utter, utter fool. I cannot understand his ludicrous way of thinking.

Whattodo1610 · 11/09/2025 23:57

MarilynSays · 11/09/2025 16:22

So pleased to hear you are alright. He sounds like he's still not understanding quite what he needs to do, in order to get things back the way they were. But like you said, if he never gets to that place, you are strong enough now to stay in your sanctuary and let things change. Hugs xxx

I think he understands exactly - he’s just still having his cake and eating it 🤷‍♀️ At the moment his life is still all his, he does what he wants, he sees his children, he sees the OW, and he has his wife still waiting for him .. he knows exactly what he’s doing.
** and I mean no disrespect to OP by him seeing/thinking she’s waiting for him, I believe that’s how he sees it - very plainly he’s playing along with her counselling, I genuinely think he thinks he’ll play along and all will be well in the end, he’ll get things his way.