Something isn't right thread #2

[FourAndFive]

Thanks so much for all your help and support. I can't believe the first thread is full - there isn’t a huge amount to update on right now, but I am looking forward to the future with my head held high, whatever the outcome. I'll keep posting.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends?page=1

How is it all going OP?

'Snuggle' and 'puddycat' within the same paragraph?! I feel nauseous...

' I feel nauseous...'

@BengalBangle

Don't be horrible.

@TheTeaCosyofDoom was leaving a friendly / kind message to the Op.

It may not be the way you write, nor the way I write - however it seems to be the way @TheTeaCosyofDoom writes and she meant well by it.

Interesting that you have a cat in your username.

Not interesting, though, really is it, other than the fact I have a cat rather than a puddycat?!

You have a very sensitive disposition to be feeling nauseous at a kind posters choice of words ...
I hope whatever is making you feel the need to be so unkind is soon resolved for you.

@FourAndFive I hope you're OK, been thinking of you

I hope you are ok and safe op.

x

How are you OP? Im hoping no news is good news x

Could go anyway from here. The overnight stay is months away, so perhaps he's just keeping quiet and trying to gain time. Hopefully he gains clarity before op patience runs out

Why wouldn’t she be safe?

Is that a joke question.

I think it was serious, I was wondering the same as @Reebokker . I can understand that she is feeling emotionally torn apart, but none of her posts gave me the impression her safety was at risk.

Questions of fedelity in a marriage often can be the trigger for DV.

Gp's know this, the police know this and Women's Aid know this.

Indeed. The OP’s DH has left the house, and there has been no suggestion of violence at any level.

The OP has been clear previously she wasn’t going to post unless she had something to report. Also that she had turned off notifications to allow herself time to process/deal with it.

She will return if she wants or needs to I expect. Best to let her get on with it , and not speculate.

Thank you to everyone for checking in. I'm still here. I am safe, thank you. And I appreciated the note from @TheTeaCosyofDoom

No news is just that, I'm afraid. There has been a few serious challenges over the last few weeks, and we've muddled through as best we can while being apart.

We have had one session with a marriage councillor after a few failed attempts and have the forward sessions secured. I was shocked - the councillor was clearly in my corner. I thought they weren't supposed to do that? It was very, very obvious to us both much to DH's annoyance <smirk>.

He is in regular contact with the DC's and we talk off and on about how I'm feeling, how he's feeling, how important I am to him, that he wants us to be together... I can feel he wants everything to be okay again, but ultimately "he is allowed to have his friends and he cares about her".

Part of me is still holding out for the addiction to finally register. By which time it may be too late - but as I said before I am in no rush, and while my instinct is stopping me from calling time on our lives together I am content to hold - our years married deserve it IMO.

[Little note: I am also well aware that holding onto the fact he might wake up to this madness is completely bonkers, but there we are.]

I have been looking after myself as much as I can. The house is a tidy, quiet sanctuary, and I have made some lovely plans for myself too. Ultimately I know I can let him go if it comes to it. I get a lot of strength from that.

It's still really, really hard though.

Sending you love and hope.x
What else can you say.

Thank you for the update.

We have had one session with a marriage councillor after a few failed attempts and have the forward sessions secured. I was shocked - the councillor was clearly in my corner. I thought they weren't supposed to do that? It was very, very obvious to us both much to DH's annoyance <smirk>.

I had a very similar situation in my relationship (albeit with other problems rather than hitherto happy like yours) and in our Relate sessions I had exactly the same experience- and he was shocked because he’d obviously been expecting the therapist to tell me how ridiculous and unreasonable I was being.
(He and the OW are now married. But I’m happily married too so I really don’t care!)

Really sorry things are still challenging for you, and I do hope he comes to his senses very soon.

"The house is a tidy, quiet sanctuary, and I have made some lovely plans for myself too."

That's great news OP.. I'm glad you've managed to get to a calmer place which gives you a chance to regroup and is better for the DCs. Best of luck going forward.

So pleased to hear you are alright. He sounds like he's still not understanding quite what he needs to do, in order to get things back the way they were. But like you said, if he never gets to that place, you are strong enough now to stay in your sanctuary and let things change. Hugs xxx

Im so glad you are doing as well as you possibly can in this situation @FourAndFive anyone on this thread will be willing to support you and yes, marriage councillors definitely take sides. They have to. They will tell both people they are unreasonable if they think so. His behaviour was and is unreasonable. You are in no hurry but I still find his behaviour,mad. Mr Four and Five do you not want your marriage to work? Secret friendships and inappropriate behaviour will not make that happen. If your relationship and you are important and his priority, then it's clear cut. He can't have his cake and eat it. The other woman is very much in the wrong too. By now she knows he is no longer at home. By now she knows the secret friendship is the cause but she hasn't backed off I take it.

I find his behaviour bizarre in that he thinks 2 women can be important in his life and that his marriage is in a precarious position because of this.

@FourAndFive as I’ve said before you have done all you can. I get that you are holding out for your husband seeing sense and I hope he does x

I may be well wide of the mark here, apologies if so, I’m not trying to play ‘guess the hobby’.

However, if this is dancing related, then I can fully empathise. I think once she sees him out of his usual hobby-related context, the scales will fall from her eyes.

Might be too late for you by then though 🤷🏼‍♀️

Wish you all the very best 💐

From the counselling sessions seems he doesn't fully understand what marriage commitment is ....do people actually learn from books, movies, parents what is a marriage....

“He is allowed to have his friends and he cares about her”

eugh good god. My hackles literally went up reading that .

Well done OP.
Keep making lovely plans for yourself.
You can do this.