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Original poster

He wants to date someone else

110 replies

Ncforthis2244 · 21/08/2025 07:45

I’ve been seeing someone for about a month now and I’m starting to really fall for him. Things have been going well, but recently he told me he wants to go on a date with another woman to “make sure his feelings for me are real.”

We've not become physical yet, and for background I've been on OLD for about a year and had a number of dates, but i'm the first person he's dated since his divorce.

I’ve thought about it and I know I can’t control what he does as he’s free to make his own choices. But I also know my own boundaries: I wouldn’t be willing to carry on dating someone who was sleeping with, or regularly seeing, other women. And I don’t want to be in a “pick me” situation where I’m sat waiting while he decides between me and someone else.

I’ve told him this as kindly and honestly as I could, that I respect his decision but to protect my own heart I’d need to step back if he carries on dating others.

Now I’m stuck. Part of me feels like I should just walk away now, because the fact he even wants to explore this might mean he’s not really in the same place as me. But another part of me thinks maybe I should give him the space to go on this one date and see how he feels afterwards, since he has been upfront about it.

Has anyone been in this situation before? Would you continue seeing someone after they did this, or is it already a red flag that they’re not truly invested?

OP posts:
makeyerbed · 21/08/2025 07:52

I think you’re right, he’s not in the same place as you. If he was, he’d be coming off dating sites and looking to the next steps, not wanting to ‘date around’.

I don’t think you need to ‘step back’. I think you need to say, ‘ok, message understood’ and walk away completely.

teenmaw · 21/08/2025 07:56

Walk away, he’s not sure about you. Find someone you don’t need to have these conversations with, there will be plenty of them. You’re going to end up hurt here, take the reins yourself and walk away with your dignity intact.

Sblo · 21/08/2025 07:56

Agree with the first reply. I think his approach is fine but it’s doesn’t work for you. I think in reality a lot of daters would continue to explore other options if they weren’t yet intimate, his mistake was telling you this.

Largestlegocollectionever · 21/08/2025 07:57

I wouldn’t be able to get past this, there’s obviously something he’s not 100% sure about to even want to, even if he chooses you afterwards, I’m sure this would come up again later on down the line.

EggCounter · 21/08/2025 07:59

Gosh. Walk away if you’re already developing feelings — he’s clearly not feeling the same.

TwistedWonder · 21/08/2025 07:59

I’m old and don’t understand this world of multi dating so for me the fact he’s still looking out for a better offer would be a deal breaker and I’d be out.

Sweetbeansandmochi · 21/08/2025 08:00

My DH was seeing a girl in Australia before I met him. He came home from
traveling and met me. We started to go out from September…in the October she was coming over to UK.

He wanted to see her to make sure his feelings for me was real.

Unbelievable - I told him he couldn’t do that and to jog on. This is the right response.

FF to the next week in Oct and he did go and pick her up from the airport with his brother (this is true) where he told her in person that he was seeing someone new. (Me)

So, for me - that was boardering acceptable, we were both young..and we did carry on seeing each other.

That was 21 years ago now so on one hand it’s worked out alright because we got married and on the other hand it was an indication of how immature he was and it took him a long time to grow up (probably another 14 years).

Do not be an available to this man - he doesn’t deserve you…wait for an actual man and not a boy.

Pigeonsandgiraffees · 21/08/2025 08:01

It's giving Love Island vibes - all these men that need to explore other women for a 'test' 🙄

Little boys in sweet shops that need to try everything. Very off putting.

Couldthiswork · 21/08/2025 08:03

I’ve been in this exact situation (except we were sleeping together). He was a amazing man, treating me fantastically and was always very honest with my but like your guy, I was the first person he’d dated after his divorce (I’d done lots on internet dating at this point) and he had it in his head he wanted to be free to see/meet whoever he wanted for a bit.

I loved his company so decided to enjoy it for what it was and accepted it would be a give it ago and just accepted it would be a casual thing. But importantly I decided if this is how it was, then I would continue to see other people too. Long story short, he couldn’t cope with that and we decided a few months down the line to become exclusive. 5 years on it is hands didn’t the best relationship I have ever had, he honestly treats me like a queen and we’re getting married soon.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 21/08/2025 08:05

“If you want to date other people that’s fine. We won’t be dating again if you do though”

Firefly100 · 21/08/2025 08:09

i would step back and say fine, I too will start to date again and look for someone who is in the same place I am and looking for a long term relationship as you are clearly not, which is fine but not where I am. Good luck to you.
If in the future he is in a different place and you are still single, who knows it might still happen. But no way would I allow myself to be treated as an afterthought. He wouldn’t need to check his feelings if he felt the way he needs to. He is not ready.
The cynical part of me wonders if he is doing this because his real focus is sex and he is not getting it from you and his actions are designed to ensure he gets some, either from you or someone else.

OchreRaven · 21/08/2025 08:16

Couldthiswork · 21/08/2025 08:03

I’ve been in this exact situation (except we were sleeping together). He was a amazing man, treating me fantastically and was always very honest with my but like your guy, I was the first person he’d dated after his divorce (I’d done lots on internet dating at this point) and he had it in his head he wanted to be free to see/meet whoever he wanted for a bit.

I loved his company so decided to enjoy it for what it was and accepted it would be a give it ago and just accepted it would be a casual thing. But importantly I decided if this is how it was, then I would continue to see other people too. Long story short, he couldn’t cope with that and we decided a few months down the line to become exclusive. 5 years on it is hands didn’t the best relationship I have ever had, he honestly treats me like a queen and we’re getting married soon.

This is how I would handle it too. Protect your heart, take a step back, see it as casual and continue to date. If his feelings are real the reality of you dating other people will be uncomfortable for him. If he’s happy with it then you know where you stand and invest your time elsewhere.

I do get his perspective that after a long relationship the last thing you want is to jump into a serious relationship with the next person you meet. He needs time to decide what he wants and if he comes back then you know you have something. The fact he is honest is a big plus.

Continue being yourself and try not to overthink it. If he’s the love of your life it will work out. If he’s not then you had a nice time getting to know him and he’s not your person.

Lighteningstrikes · 21/08/2025 08:17

No.

Three months is about the time he should be starting to get serious about you too if the feeling is mutual, not want to see other people.

Don’t hang about and put yourself through the agony.

Loubelou71 · 21/08/2025 08:17

I would think he's not that into me. He should be sure and if he isn't let him go

Cat3059 · 21/08/2025 08:18

If he liked you as much as you liked him then he wouldn't want/need to date other people to 'make sure his feelings are real'. It's all bullshit OP to allow him to sleep around. You're only a month in, just walk away with your head held high. You won't regret it, you deserve much better than this.

OhDorWheresthesalad · 21/08/2025 08:21

He is doing this because he wants a shag.

Original poster
Ncforthis2244 · 21/08/2025 08:25

OchreRaven · 21/08/2025 08:16

This is how I would handle it too. Protect your heart, take a step back, see it as casual and continue to date. If his feelings are real the reality of you dating other people will be uncomfortable for him. If he’s happy with it then you know where you stand and invest your time elsewhere.

I do get his perspective that after a long relationship the last thing you want is to jump into a serious relationship with the next person you meet. He needs time to decide what he wants and if he comes back then you know you have something. The fact he is honest is a big plus.

Continue being yourself and try not to overthink it. If he’s the love of your life it will work out. If he’s not then you had a nice time getting to know him and he’s not your person.

Show quote history

That's where I'm conflicted. I must have dated at least a dozen men in the past year, and chatted to countless more, and none have been as fun, interesting or given me the butterflies he does. Not even close.

I do understand his perspective, and don't want to walk away from what could be an amazing relationship, especially when he's been so open and honest about things.

But I also feel rejected, and am struggling not to push him away hard and move on before I allow myself to fall deeper.

I have no interest in playing games. I'm not going to tell him I'll date other men then, as that just feels petty and pointless.

I think you're right about stepping back a little and keeping it casual.

OP posts:
Gymbunny2025 · 21/08/2025 08:26

A month in- you are falling for him, he still sees that you are casually dating each other (hence still looking on the apps and has another date lined up). Neither of you are wrong. It’s totally up to you if you want to carry on seeing others too or end things. I think for me I’d have to end things if I was falling in love (I’d get too hurt)

catsareace · 21/08/2025 08:27

Fuck that shit. I would say carry on and then block sadly he is just not that into you.

Original poster
Ncforthis2244 · 21/08/2025 08:30

Also, trying not to drip feed he said he'd be very willing to set himself ground rules for the date of no sex, or even kissing.

I told him that's pointless, as if he wants to he should, but obviously I won't be here waiting.

So bloody hard being an adult! Trying not to guilt him into behaving a certain way, but at the same time wanting to scream and shout and throw all my toys out of the pram.

OP posts:
Chairings · 21/08/2025 08:30

He's putting you in a holding position as he continues to look around.
You will never recover from this, nor should you.

Carry on and you will get badly hurt as your self esteem is decimated.

Let him off.

backandforthup · 21/08/2025 08:35

Oh no no no. You don’t need someone behaving like this. Hardly encouraging or romantic

Beachtastic · 21/08/2025 08:42

You've only been seeing each other for a month, it's really early days and there is no established relationship. I think it's interesting that he wants to test his feelings, it suggests that he has some! and may be worried that he's falling in headfirst because the dating game is just so appealing. If I were in your shoes (which I'm not, so take this with a pinch of salt!), I'd wait and see.

Original poster
Ncforthis2244 · 21/08/2025 08:44

Beachtastic · 21/08/2025 08:42

You've only been seeing each other for a month, it's really early days and there is no established relationship. I think it's interesting that he wants to test his feelings, it suggests that he has some! and may be worried that he's falling in headfirst because the dating game is just so appealing. If I were in your shoes (which I'm not, so take this with a pinch of salt!), I'd wait and see.

Thankyou. That's a perspective I hadn't considered!

OP posts:
FrogFalacy · 21/08/2025 08:49

Op this is not good. My friend met her DP on a dating site 4 years ago. Very quickly they got on and he asked her would she be happy to not date anyone else and him too as how can you be building a connection with 1 person seriously if you’re playing the field. They never looked back. It was clear he cared for her and was genuine - he was recent divorcee too.

It sounds like your guy is just testing the waters for a casual friend to keep on the back burner whilst he sees if anything better around. He might also like having girls do the pick me dance for an ego boost. Either way he isn’t serious as if he was he’d be worried about you dating other people

You sound much better than this! Walk away