He wants to date someone else

[Ncforthis2244]

I’ve been seeing someone for about a month now and I’m starting to really fall for him. Things have been going well, but recently he told me he wants to go on a date with another woman to “make sure his feelings for me are real.”

We've not become physical yet, and for background I've been on OLD for about a year and had a number of dates, but i'm the first person he's dated since his divorce.

I’ve thought about it and I know I can’t control what he does as he’s free to make his own choices. But I also know my own boundaries: I wouldn’t be willing to carry on dating someone who was sleeping with, or regularly seeing, other women. And I don’t want to be in a “pick me” situation where I’m sat waiting while he decides between me and someone else.

I’ve told him this as kindly and honestly as I could, that I respect his decision but to protect my own heart I’d need to step back if he carries on dating others.

Now I’m stuck. Part of me feels like I should just walk away now, because the fact he even wants to explore this might mean he’s not really in the same place as me. But another part of me thinks maybe I should give him the space to go on this one date and see how he feels afterwards, since he has been upfront about it.

Has anyone been in this situation before? Would you continue seeing someone after they did this, or is it already a red flag that they’re not truly invested?

A month and still doesn’t know his feelings? He does and he’s not into you enough. I’d say on your way then, no chance coming back if you don’t like her more, that’s his hard luck. Don’t be a doormat

Because a month is really rushing to make it an exclusive relationship. Dating is time to get to know someone to see if you're compatible enough for a relationship. That takes time and lots of honest communication

Plus, sex. They haven't even have sex. What if they do and it's dud sex? I wouldn't continue them because of sexual incompatibility.

More bullshit from a man. Omg will it never end? He's probably trying to make you feel insecure.So that you will have sex with him to cement.The relationship.

He's found a pair of shoes he likes but he's thinking he might find a better pair further down the High Street!

It's probably speak for he wants to get laid and he isn't with you.

But since you haven't slept together, it should be easier to tell him to sling his hook.

But tbh I wouldn't think myself as exclusive with someone I'm not intimate with and that's alright. It's alright that you feel you want a secure attachment first. He's just not the bloke for you.

You / everyone deserves to be treated with more respect than this.
If you agree with him and he goes on another date ,how many other dates will you 'allow' before you ask him to decide ? this suggestion of his is not only disrespectful to you but will cause trust issues in the future if you do carry on.
I would tell him where to shove it ,block and move on .

Call me old-fashioned. I'm not even that old, but what is wrong with seeing someone exclusively until you decide otherwise.

A people really so impatient that they won't keep seeing someone they like in the absence of others and have to go looking for a plan b. It's just so bloody, rude.And it's even worse that women think this is okay.

If she try used the goods and doesn't like the sex, then you end it then.

But if you've already got somebody else in the mix, and that new woman knows she's a plan b, is he even going to tell her that ... What if their date goes differently and he ends up in bed with her on the first date but doesn't like her very much and wants to stay with the o.P should she tolerate that.

Just don't be so impatient and see one person at a time. It's been thirty days. No time lost if it doesn't work out within a month or two.

I have nothing against causal relationships, but it's important that both parties feel the same. If one has feelings, its not a good idea; therefore, in your situation, I'd say walk away now.

You're sure - he's not. You're more invested than he is, it won't end well.

I suppose at least he’s being honest with you. Trouble with online dating is it appears everyone is dating anyone they can find. I guess that’s the point keep dating till you find someone special. Part of me thinks if he needs to date another woman to check his feelings for you then they aren’t that great. Which is fine after only a month but from experience when you find someone you want you tend to only want them and focus on just them. Everyone’s different though I suppose.

What's wrong with seeing someone exclusively?

From the very first date?

Because that's just serial tryouts rather than simultaneous. And it comes off desperate. Nothing would make me run faster than someone who wanted to be exclusive from Day 1. They want a relationship more than the actual person because they don't even know the person.

It’s a red flag. I’ve been in your shoes before, ignored it and it didn’t end well. It’s good he’s been honest with you and it’s a shame you like him, but throw this one back.

Back in my day which seems virtually prehistoric by today’s standards- multi dating was called two timing or cheating and very much frowned upon.
Anyone found out playing the field while having a gf/bf it usually ended up with a scrap in the car park

I don’t get how you get to know someone properly when you’re spreading yourself thin. And dating isn’t wasting time, you see if you’re compatible and if not move on.

IMO if you feel the need to date others, you’re not into them so cut them loose.

We'll have to agree to disagree then because if somebody wanted me to be one of many women, he was seeing at the same time.He could fuck right off.

If you're looking for an exclusive committed relationship, then why would you be looking to date multiple women at the same time, rather than finding one?You like and if it's been going well for a month.See how it goes. You can go back immediately to dating if it doesn't work out.

I think you're also not understanding how exclusive dating from day one works.You don't show up on the first date and declare this. With my current partner, we had a good first date and liked each other.Very much. We saw each other again and again and again. So at date five point he says, I really like you, and I want to let you know that I want to keep seeimg you. He also told me he had deleted the dating apps a couple of weeks previously. I told him I felt the same way and that was that.

Neither of ours declared on the first date that we were immediately stopping looking.It just naturally went that way because we liked each other so much. There is nothing wrong with that.

If it weren't the other way, and after 4 weeks, a guy told me, I'm still looking and I'm not sure if I like you. Well, then he could f* off, but he wouldn't have me anymore.And I wouldn't be okay with it.

It's just gross to multi date.

It really is that disposable attitude. Treating people like cheap outfits trying on several at the same time to see which is worth keeping - it’s all a bit grim

OP back in the day when me self-esteem was on the ground I remember this happening to me and I told the guy well if it doesn't work out with her you always know where I am! Her ended up marrying her as it happens

Save your dignity and tell him he can see other people but you won't be seeing him anymore. It's so so hard to do I know but you will not regret it.

I absolutely agree.But sadly other women don't.

And you know whrm you are really into someone. You just do.

so if there's still looking and still multi dating, then they're not interested i don't like you that much so just move on from anyone that's multidating.

Good response. Don't let your resolve been compromised by your feelings for him. If you don't have firm boundaries he won't respect you.

If he enjoys the date and wants more, then I'm hard out....

And if he doesnt enjoy the date, you wont know as you've blocked and deleted him.
Like the other posters have said....you deserve better than being someone's after thought

Multi dating isn’t as common in the younger generation as some on here would have us think.

My DS is 20 and has a gf - he would never think about seeing anyone else as well. All his friends with gf are the same - I asked him about seeing a few people at sand time and he replied ‘that’s cheating mum and it’s horrible’

I wouldn't put up with that
Chuck him back in the sea.
Then delete and block.

I'm with you 100%.

If he wants to date others, fine. But that means he isn't dating you and can't ever again because you won't be hanging around waiting to see if he wants to come back to you.

Whilst it has only been a month this would put me off. I don’t see any need to be seeking out new connections. It gives jumping from person to person to find the illusive ‘next best thing’.

I’m very surprised he even told you (shows honesty but also put you in a difficult position) as he could have just gone on a date to test his feelings behind your back and you would be none the wiser, also it’s not like you are in a committed relationship, it’s very early days and ye have not even been physical yet

This might be cultural because it definitely was not the attitude where I was. Sure, some people got into exclusive relationships, and seeing someone outside of those was cheating. But dating was just that, dating, not a commitment and people who dated around weren't looked at as two timers at all.

Wanting to be exclusive from Date 1 is kind of a red flag that someone wants to rush a relationship rather than get to know the person and is what I would consider a sign of an anxious attachment style. You also have no clue who the person is from Date 1 and that could actually be dangerous.

Yep