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Original poster

He wants to date someone else

110 replies

Ncforthis2244 · 21/08/2025 07:45

I’ve been seeing someone for about a month now and I’m starting to really fall for him. Things have been going well, but recently he told me he wants to go on a date with another woman to “make sure his feelings for me are real.”

We've not become physical yet, and for background I've been on OLD for about a year and had a number of dates, but i'm the first person he's dated since his divorce.

I’ve thought about it and I know I can’t control what he does as he’s free to make his own choices. But I also know my own boundaries: I wouldn’t be willing to carry on dating someone who was sleeping with, or regularly seeing, other women. And I don’t want to be in a “pick me” situation where I’m sat waiting while he decides between me and someone else.

I’ve told him this as kindly and honestly as I could, that I respect his decision but to protect my own heart I’d need to step back if he carries on dating others.

Now I’m stuck. Part of me feels like I should just walk away now, because the fact he even wants to explore this might mean he’s not really in the same place as me. But another part of me thinks maybe I should give him the space to go on this one date and see how he feels afterwards, since he has been upfront about it.

Has anyone been in this situation before? Would you continue seeing someone after they did this, or is it already a red flag that they’re not truly invested?

OP posts:
Meandmyguy · 21/08/2025 10:56

Fuck.

That.

Adelle79360 · 21/08/2025 11:03

Onthebusses · 21/08/2025 10:48

Well here's the good news, he IS just a dick. I am convinced what he was doing was a test. I have a lot of experience in this regard and I am not just pulling things from my bottom.

He wanted you to beg. I don't think it matters what he says next. Perhaps if it is ‘I am sorry, I won't go, I choose you’ then you could allow him to continue seeing where it goes with you, but honestly the test was an insult in itself.

I don't think it's how he responds that matters. It's the fact he even said that to you. He knew how it would make you feel, and he decided to make you feel that way.

Should be a hard pass. Tell him so and shut that door. Don't bring someone who intentionally makes you feel that way into your life.

Totally agree with this. A month in should be all exciting, you can’t keep your hands off each other type stage.

If he goes on his date and comes back to you and says he didn’t enjoy it and wants to keep seeing you - are you honestly ok with that? I’d feel like second choice. I can see how young, inexperienced people in relationships could accept coming second, but for me, as an adult looking for a relationship after a divorce, no chance.

Bittenonce · 21/08/2025 11:09

Don’t walk away - run.
You really really don’t want to give him the message that it’s okay for him to go out with other women while he’s seeing you.
In all likelihood he’s just not ready for a proper relationship right now, at least be grateful he was upfront about it.

METimezone · 21/08/2025 11:17

Iamfree · 21/08/2025 09:45

Sorry OP, but your message is wrong. You should have just walked away with your head held high. I online dated and after a month I wouldn’t have accepted this, if I’m not enough then good riddance. So what happens if he doesn’t like the other lady and come back to you ? Some things are broken now. In my view unfortunately there’s no going back from this. Good luck

^ This.

I wouldn't be interested now, even if he decided not to go on the date simply because I need someone to be at least as interested in and excited about me as I am them.

'He's just not that into you'.

Iloveyoubut · 21/08/2025 11:28

To make sure of his feelings for you? Has he been watching too much Love Island, twat thinks he’s on Casa Amor. Cut that idiot loose as fast as you can! That’s a nightmare of a man, you’ll get nothing but heartbreak and grief. You don’t need to ‘test your feelings’ you either have them or you don’t…. I’m not joking… that carry on only happens on love island… it’s not a real thing! Get rid. And show him this message and tell him he’s a twat,

Chairings · 21/08/2025 11:29

Ncforthis2244 · 21/08/2025 09:35

Thank you for this. Probably the kick up the bum I needed.

I've messaged him basically saying I have no desire to control who he sees or what he does, but I have my firm boundaries which I'm not willing to breach.

I'm not going to attempt to stop him going on this date, as that would be a really crap way to start a potential long term relationship and I suspect he would always have the 'what if' feeling.

I have said I wouldn't be willing to continue dating someone who was sleeping with other women, and I'm not going to play silly games. If he enjoys the date and wants more, then I'm hard out. Good luck to him. If he sleeps with her then I'm hard out. All the best. And if he still wants to chat with and date other women after this then I'm hard out. Not willing to be a placeholder.

We shall see. He's replied to say he's read my message, but is just off to work and will take the time to reply properly later. He also thanked me for being honest about my feelings. Fuck sake. Would be so much easier if he was just a dick!

Show quote history

He is a dick.
I think your message was unnecessary.
You really need to look at your self-esteem.
That you would even enter a dialogue shows you lack it.

We teach people how to treat us.

PrancingBean · 21/08/2025 11:33

It’s just a way of seeing if he likes someone else more than he likes you isn’t it?

I have put up with this in the past, and even felt a hollow victory at ‘winning.’ But I am older now and, like you, have strong boundaries. Go and date whoever you want to, but you won’t have access to me any more.

jolies1 · 21/08/2025 11:38

Personally, after a month of getting to know each other (so realistically a handful of dates?) I would be saying fine, by all means keep things open however I don’t sleep with anyone unless they are exclusively seeing / sleeping with me. Let’s see how things go.

In my own mind I would be backing off a bit and preparing to possibly throw this one back.

After 2-3 months most people know if they do like the person they are seeing and are keen to progress, at that stage I would
expect them to be focused on me and not dating around.

Zodiacrobat · 21/08/2025 11:43

Lighteningstrikes · 21/08/2025 08:17

No.

Three months is about the time he should be starting to get serious about you too if the feeling is mutual, not want to see other people.

Don’t hang about and put yourself through the agony.

They’ve only been dating a month?

LittlleMy · 21/08/2025 12:05

recently he told me he wants to go on a date with another woman to “make sure his feelings for me are real”

@Ncforthis2244 Hard pass from me. This is basically the guy wanting permission to see if there’s anyone ‘better’ out there. Which in turn suggests that’s he feels he’s ‘settling’ for you. No way would I green light this. And it doesn’t matter if it’s only been a month, I don’t see what that has to do with anything. If you both agreed you like each other and want to date then that usually signified exclusivity in my day.

Also how you ‘make sure your feelings are real’ is by continuing to date that person long enough to find out if your values and goals align and you’re sexually compatible. Certainly not by testing each shiny new thing as it turns up on your feed 🤦🏻‍♀️. Otherwise where would it end. If someone catches his eye after his experimental date with the new person will he then say that to new person and dump you in an endless cycle. These are the Qs I’d be putting to him! 😅

Thefuture2025 · 21/08/2025 12:14

Just here to add that he is a dick. He's basically ruined it all anyway. How has this left you feeling?? Not good enough? Not pretty enough? Not intelligent enough? Second best. What he means is, he likes you but thinks there's better out there. Awful. Rethink this and when he replies just close it down.

Dabberlocks · 21/08/2025 12:16

What bullshit. If his feelings were 'real' then he wouldn't be wanting to go off and check whether the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, so I'd not be happy with that at all.

80smonster · 21/08/2025 12:29

Ncforthis2244 · 21/08/2025 07:45

I’ve been seeing someone for about a month now and I’m starting to really fall for him. Things have been going well, but recently he told me he wants to go on a date with another woman to “make sure his feelings for me are real.”

We've not become physical yet, and for background I've been on OLD for about a year and had a number of dates, but i'm the first person he's dated since his divorce.

I’ve thought about it and I know I can’t control what he does as he’s free to make his own choices. But I also know my own boundaries: I wouldn’t be willing to carry on dating someone who was sleeping with, or regularly seeing, other women. And I don’t want to be in a “pick me” situation where I’m sat waiting while he decides between me and someone else.

I’ve told him this as kindly and honestly as I could, that I respect his decision but to protect my own heart I’d need to step back if he carries on dating others.

Now I’m stuck. Part of me feels like I should just walk away now, because the fact he even wants to explore this might mean he’s not really in the same place as me. But another part of me thinks maybe I should give him the space to go on this one date and see how he feels afterwards, since he has been upfront about it.

Has anyone been in this situation before? Would you continue seeing someone after they did this, or is it already a red flag that they’re not truly invested?

Walk away - what better way to clarify both of your feelings? What’s meant for you doesn’t pass you by. Devils advocate, why don’t you go on a date and have a see too? Honestly, he doesn’t sound much of a keeper to me.

wizzywig · 21/08/2025 12:31

At least you didn't have sex and then he did this

outerspacepotato · 21/08/2025 12:44

I wouldn't be exclusive after a mere month of dating. I also wouldn't rub it into my date's face that I was dating others.

He's not that attached to you. I think he also likes to play head games.

He's got a string of people he sees and you are one of them. He's adding one and this seems a game and a test of some sort for you, to see if you'll have sex with him to keep him. I would laugh at him promising not to have sex with his date, what a crock. He's not a good guy for you to get serious about.

TwistedWonder · 21/08/2025 12:53

I do wonder if it’s a game trying to push you into sex - basically he’s saying if you’re not putting out I’ll look elsewhere.

Pleasealexa · 21/08/2025 13:00

Good on you for sending that message.

In "old" dating language, I think it means..Ive broken up with you to play the field BUT would like you to hang around in case the subsequent women I meet aren't quite what they seen.

If he's arranging dates, surely it mean he's chatting and flirting with other women?

TBF if he has just divorced he isn't likely to be ready to date more seriously.

AgentJohnson · 21/08/2025 13:05

“make sure his feelings for me are real.”

Is code for waiting to see if there’s a better offer. You aren’t in the same space and you can’t unfear that he isn’t. Don’t hang around.

TwistedWonder · 21/08/2025 13:09

How recent is his divorce? I agree with PP that he’s unlikely to be in the headspace for anything serious and so he’s not a good prospect right now.

WTAFreally · 21/08/2025 13:11

I had similar in the past, sort of..
I dated about a month, but he was really fresh out of a relationship and didn’t look like he quite knew what he wanted? So when he mentioned going on a date with someone else (an invite to a friends’ dinner with a single person there) but assuring me I was all he was interested in - I said “go ahead”

guess what happened.. couple of weeks down the line he tells me he’s choosing to date the other person! Good riddance!

Enough4me · 21/08/2025 13:12

On OLD I was upfront that I was talking to others until it was agreed we were dating one person. From dating (kissing, holding hands, building a relationship) I wouldn't talk to other men about dating as my focus would be on that relationship.

Likewise, I expected the person who wanted to date me to have the same focus. Once that's agreed and you both come off OLD there's none of this 'grey', I'm talking to others nonsense.
He's not that into you OP, you're just an option.

outerspacepotato · 21/08/2025 13:28

"And if he still wants to chat with and date other women after this then I'm hard out. "

You've only been dating a month and you gave him an ultimatum that you two are exclusive or done.

I don't think this guy is honest, he will lie to you and play games and he seems like he would pretend to be exclusive. But I would be out of I got a message like that after a month of dating.

tripleginandtonic · 21/08/2025 13:36

teenmaw · 21/08/2025 10:31

Op you know those butterflies?…….they’re ANXIETY!! Your body is telling you this is not a safe option. He may seem nice and all but fundamentally he is a player who is telling you loud and clear he’s not that into you and you’re ignoring these absolute dealbreakers trying to cling to him. Save yourself the heartache that’s coming!!

He's been honest He's not had sex with her and then thrown this in the mix. Personally I'd carry in dating others too, see what happens. It doesn't sound as though this is loves young dream, but I don't think he's the player/bad guy everyone's making him out to be, he's just unsure.

WishSheWouldGoAway · 21/08/2025 13:41

TwistedWonder · 21/08/2025 07:59

I’m old and don’t understand this world of multi dating so for me the fact he’s still looking out for a better offer would be a deal breaker and I’d be out.

I really got shot down on another thread for this attitude. Another woman said on here that you should always multidate pretty much until your engagement incase you waste your time.

recently he told me he wants to go on a date with another woman to “make sure his feelings for me are real.”

But I appreciate the honesty. He told you his feelings might not be real and he might like someone else better.

WishSheWouldGoAway · 21/08/2025 13:53

outerspacepotato · 21/08/2025 13:28

"And if he still wants to chat with and date other women after this then I'm hard out. "

You've only been dating a month and you gave him an ultimatum that you two are exclusive or done.

I don't think this guy is honest, he will lie to you and play games and he seems like he would pretend to be exclusive. But I would be out of I got a message like that after a month of dating.

You've only been dating a month and you gave him an ultimatum that you two are exclusive or done.

Damn right she did that.

Why shouldn't she ask this.