He wants to date someone else

[Ncforthis2244]

I’ve been seeing someone for about a month now and I’m starting to really fall for him. Things have been going well, but recently he told me he wants to go on a date with another woman to “make sure his feelings for me are real.”

We've not become physical yet, and for background I've been on OLD for about a year and had a number of dates, but i'm the first person he's dated since his divorce.

I’ve thought about it and I know I can’t control what he does as he’s free to make his own choices. But I also know my own boundaries: I wouldn’t be willing to carry on dating someone who was sleeping with, or regularly seeing, other women. And I don’t want to be in a “pick me” situation where I’m sat waiting while he decides between me and someone else.

I’ve told him this as kindly and honestly as I could, that I respect his decision but to protect my own heart I’d need to step back if he carries on dating others.

Now I’m stuck. Part of me feels like I should just walk away now, because the fact he even wants to explore this might mean he’s not really in the same place as me. But another part of me thinks maybe I should give him the space to go on this one date and see how he feels afterwards, since he has been upfront about it.

Has anyone been in this situation before? Would you continue seeing someone after they did this, or is it already a red flag that they’re not truly invested?

Clutching at straws here. If you like someone then you stick with exploring a future with them. You can’t help yourself. The fact Op has told him she likes him and has opened up but he still wants to explore other options and even talks about not kissing or having sex is such a warning.

He's looking for sex. You need to bin him off.
There's so many posts on MN where women just desperately hang around after these men.
It makes me cringe.

Before you go into dating know exactly what you will and won't tolerate.

Example. I will not tolerate a man telling me he is going on a date with another woman.

This makes it easier. What's happening now is you didn't do this and the man’s doing things that are clearly meant to hurt and test you, and you've got no constitution and you're going to let it slide. Then he's going to think ‘oh, she is going to tolerate this obvious insult. Great, I can do more obvious insults!’ and away he will go.

Stop this by going back home, drawing up a list of what you want and what you will not tolerate. Soon as any potential bloke (and after a month it's still only potential stage), if he doesn't display the things you want and/or does display the things you won't tolerate, simply let him know about your strong constitution and that you won't allow it to be breached.

And tell him to enjoy his date. Listen to his pathetic begging and backtracking, and set out to find this magical person who may or may not exist, but even if they don’t exist (which to be fair they properly don’t), you won't be back here in 10 years asking why it seems like your husband thinks you're a pushover and treats you accordingly.

Ohhhhhh, fuck that shit. He's not that into you, if he wants to date others. I would literally never reply to any more calls or texts from him. If you allow this you are absolutely mad.

My DH asked me to be exclusive on date number 2. He wanted me off the market, so to speak. No airy fairy shit.

You need to make him realise that your own self worth and pride are important, you are a grown woman with strict boundaries. If he is the right man for you, then you going stone cold will give him the shits and he will cop himself on.

I know what you mean. This “exclusivity talk” that has to be done as well, what’s that all about? God, it seemed so much simpler years ago.

Why is everything so complicated for no reason these days.

Thank you for this. Probably the kick up the bum I needed.

I've messaged him basically saying I have no desire to control who he sees or what he does, but I have my firm boundaries which I'm not willing to breach.

I'm not going to attempt to stop him going on this date, as that would be a really crap way to start a potential long term relationship and I suspect he would always have the 'what if' feeling.

I have said I wouldn't be willing to continue dating someone who was sleeping with other women, and I'm not going to play silly games. If he enjoys the date and wants more, then I'm hard out. Good luck to him. If he sleeps with her then I'm hard out. All the best. And if he still wants to chat with and date other women after this then I'm hard out. Not willing to be a placeholder.

We shall see. He's replied to say he's read my message, but is just off to work and will take the time to reply properly later. He also thanked me for being honest about my feelings. Fuck sake. Would be so much easier if he was just a dick!

I don't think it's clutching at straws, it depends what he's seeing her for and what the outcome is. OP is right to drop it if he wants more from his date, but kicking him out in anticipation seems a bit daft to me.

I've been dating a while too and while at first its obvious that the other person may still be looking, you wouldn't expect them to tell you. Would be a definite no from me.

But saying that it strikes me that men who are new to dating and have just come out of long relationships often have absolutely no idea what they are doing.

Phone chat with a guy last night who sounded absolutely lovely but 3 x steered the conversation back to his ex girlfriend and then once to his ex wife with a long monologue on each.

Yeah err......no

I’d try and put yourself in the position he’s seemingly finding himself in, based on your previous dating experience: I assume you’ve met the odd person who you’ve liked, but who you know is not someone you want to be exclusive with, and have thus been open to keep on dating…it sounds like that’s where he is. Is that what you want from him?

No one would want to risk jeopardising a relationship that they were sure about.

Well done for asserting your boundaries with him. You can’t do more than that.

Sorry OP, but your message is wrong. You should have just walked away with your head held high. I online dated and after a month I wouldn’t have accepted this, if I’m not enough then good riddance. So what happens if he doesn’t like the other lady and come back to you ? Some things are broken now. In my view unfortunately there’s no going back from this. Good luck

i'm the first person he's dated since his divorce

He's extremely unlikely to commit to the first person he dates since his divorce. You're in different places and it's not going to work. Good to know now and let this one go on his dating adventure. He's not one to be developing feelings for.

You’ve been seeing each other for a month… How many dates is that? Why haven’t you had sex if you’re “falling” for him?

I’d date others (not sex) before a relationship became exclusive and I’d commend his honesty. If you want to progress the relationship, why haven’t you?

You're falling for him after a month, he wants to see other people, I'd say you're really not on the same page. I know you've told him you won't stick around if he has sex with her, but even if he comes back to you, will that be it? One date with one woman and he suddenly realises how he feels about you? Or will he just need to test it out a bit more, and a bit more.

It sounds to me like he's checking to see if there's anything better out there, and you deserve more than that.

Dating someone else to test his feelings for you?! I think that's disrespectful and immature and I would seriously judge his character for thinking that this is acceptable.

That would be enough to tell me he isn't committed enough and it would be the end of it.

I don't think it's a "red flag" as such, given he told you about it and was honest and up front. It could be a reason to stop dating him though.

Had you had a discussion previously where you agreed to be exclusive? And then he is now going back on this? If that is the case, I would end it with him as it feels like a retrograde step in your relationship.

However, if you had never discussed exclusivity, I don't think he is doing anything wrong. I am currently chatting to/planning dates with a number of people on OLD, and I don't think I am doing anything wrong as I haven't told any of them we are exclusive, and I fully expect them to be talking to/dating others too - indeed I hope they are - I would find it very pressurising if they were focused solely on me before I felt ready for that - I broke things off previously with someone because they were pushing for exclusivity on the second date, and to me it felt way too soon and too much of a rush.

So if you haven't agreed exclusivity, I would say fine, go on your date, but I would make sure I was also swiping/ chatting to/dating others myself.

My understanding of OLD is that it's accepted that you date a number of people and only commit to one when you both agree to this.

It might be that it’s his lack of firm attachment and the feeling he’s not 100% that is GIVING you the butterflies and all the feelings! It could be that this is a pattern you’ve been in before and feels familiar to you so that’s how your brain interprets the feelings of emotional unavailability he’s giving off. If you maybe had a father who was a bit absent or emotionally unreliable that would explain it. Basically whatever lessons you learned about relationships earlier in life forms the patterns you’re following now. Brain picks up on his flakiness and the way it makes you feel a bit crazy, a bit high, and says “yep, that’s love all right” and before you know it you’ve convinced yourself you’re falling for him.

Your messaging is trying to set boundaries on your part but you can’t set the one you need to because that would cut yourself off from the source of these exciting/confusing emotions.

Ah come on now! You're only a month in and already he wants to 'see other people'. What you tell him to do is go right ahead and you move on with your life without him. Why on earth would you show him how little value you place on yourself by going along with this?

He just needs to get lost - wanker!

Op you know those butterflies?…….they’re ANXIETY!! Your body is telling you this is not a safe option. He may seem nice and all but fundamentally he is a player who is telling you loud and clear he’s not that into you and you’re ignoring these absolute dealbreakers trying to cling to him. Save yourself the heartache that’s coming!!

I think you are being incredibly naive to believe that he will tell you if he sleeps with someone else! If you go along with this you are telling him what you are willing to put up with i.e. you date him exclusively while he gets to play around with other women and still keep you available for whenever he wants you.

If he goes on a date, fancies the woman, and sleeps with her, he is really not going to admit it to you if that means you walking away.

Him being 'nice' and thanking you for "being honest" about your feelings in no makes him 'not a dick', all it means is he knows what to tell you and what not to tell you. A man who is really into you would not be willing to risk you walking away. You have taken away all your value, in his eyes, by having the bar set so low and that is how he will treat you - as someone of little value.

I have no idea why you think he’s not a dick. He really is regardless of how he presents/ how much you like him.

His “ feelings “ are his to manage. If he’s not sure of his for you he should walk away. If he’s wants to date others he is then free to do so. He doesn’t need to “ test “ you against her. He’s an adult not a teenager.

He’s at best a manipulator. Unnnerving you very early on to establish his ascendancy, and push at your boundaries. Talking about sex with his imaginary dates at a point when you’re not yet intimate. Getting into your head with all of this already, and even better, having an ongoing conversation about it!

Is this what you want? Even if you continue it with him when will he next need to test his feelings again.? Six months, a year? Honestly don’t be conned by the persona of nice, caring guy here. Look at what he’s actually doing and how it’s made you feel. Also don’t fall into the trap of thinking it’s not a red flag because he’s told you and is “honest “ Worse behaviour than this including affairs can be carried out in plain sight.

Well at least he's honest ... but sadly not very emotionally intelligent. Otherwise he would realise that feelings don't have to be 'tested' (despite what Love Island would have us believe. Being casual/non-exclusive is one thing, wanting to pit you against another woman to find out who will win the strength of his feelings is bullshit. What happens when another comes along who he wonders if could also win out?

The fact that he's found this other person who he wants to go on a date with means he's already been looking and chatting to others. Which, yes, a month in and non-exclusive is allowed, but it can still mean that he is entirely not for you.

I would end it.

I would go for a coffee with him to chat about this as there are so many different ways to look at this situation. America has different dating styles to UK for example, it would be totally OK there, especially as he has asked you about it. I would stay open to possibilities of what might happen. If he is already engaging with someone or more than one, he hasn’t fully made his mind up that he wants to be with you and there isn’t anything that is going to change that fact without some freedom to choose next actions. He needs this time of freedom, without restriction I believe. I don’t think he feels ready to be in a relationship. Perhaps you should keep your options open too. I hear what people are saying about boundaries. If you were sleeping together by now it would be a whole other situation. Stay positive to all outcomes, you seem to be reflecting on the not so great ones, which he surpasses, but it doesn’t mean he is the one for you. Maybe there are lots of others that could be amazing for you too. I’m new to posting. Excuse me if I’m not helping or seem too much the one way.

Came here to say this.

Well here's the good news, he IS just a dick. I am convinced what he was doing was a test. I have a lot of experience in this regard and I am not just pulling things from my bottom.

He wanted you to beg. I don't think it matters what he says next. Perhaps if it is ‘I am sorry, I won't go, I choose you’ then you could allow him to continue seeing where it goes with you, but honestly the test was an insult in itself.

I don't think it's how he responds that matters. It's the fact he even said that to you. He knew how it would make you feel, and he decided to make you feel that way.

Should be a hard pass. Tell him so and shut that door. Don't bring someone who intentionally makes you feel that way into your life.