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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

well how do you react if your DH of 10 years does something you consider unreasonable

134 replies

wwhatnoww · 30/05/2008 08:35

Help I have no one in real life to talk to about this.

I got very drunk on bank holiday monday came home late early hours.
I had been with friends I do not normally drink when out, I like to drive home but my friends thought it was about time I relaxed and had a drink and a laugh.

Nice night I got home safely everyone was asleep so I got in bed in pretty much fully clothed with my dh who had also been drinking and was well away snoring and cuddled in with him I think.

Woke up in the morning nothing on below the waist andvery very sore --sparing the details basially my dh had 'molested me in my sleep and made use of my back passage a very big taboo in this house I have refused to even consider it and he knows it.

So upset but have kids and had to get on with it having problems down there feels like I have given birth again --I was at the docs tues morning but with my teenager and was too embarrassed to mention anything.
THe worse of it dh slept most of tues waited for him to say something but never even mentioned it /asked if I was ok-got through tuesday night I am feeling so upset he feels nothing ??
Wednesday he asks if some one had slipped me something on monday night as I as behaving weird since and had gone out in a top with stains on tbh I cannot think straight I feel very betrayed and was ignoring it.
Well it took a row about crisps and me calling him an idiot on wednesday night for me to confront him and ask him if he thinks that his behaviour was ok said I was compliant I said I was unconscious he does not seem to think he has done anything wrong I said I feel like I have been raped I cannot stop crying he said well he had a drink too like it was an excuse and that I responded?
I have a problem with my knees and cannot put weight on them in a kneeling position so I know that doggy style sorry tmi would have hurt my knees and woke me up if I was not totally out of it.
The laugh of it is when he has a drink I generally know that he is not up for sex so would of felt safe getting in bed but it must of been that late /early that he was not that drunk iykwim.

He has avoided talking about it today he got drunk last night- I went to bed with the kids he spent all day in bed again.
What do I do I cannot get my head around this I cannot cope with the fact that he does not realise how deeply hurt I am physically and mentally .

I want to scream rape/ abuse /hurt and kick him out but I am so embarrassed cannot even talk to my best friend she senses something but just said we fell out over his behavior on monday night.
Can i tell my gp will it be confidential -could I call on this as unreasonable behavior if go for a divorce.
Does he know what he has done and is just in denial?
At this point in time cannot ever imagine sleeping with him again.

Thankyou if you have read this far helps to get it out.

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 30/05/2008 08:39

Non consensual penetration is rape. If you were drunk you were not in a position to give consent.
What do you want to do - kick him out/file for rape/make up and talk about it/go to counselling etc

You need to talk to an independent third party (gp for example or a counsellor) to make up your own mind where you want to go with this.

MABS · 30/05/2008 08:41

I am so very very sorry you poor thing, i have to say that you need to talk to someone, your gp will be confidential.

But no, that would be the end for me i'm afraid with dp, others will disagree I'm sure, but that would be it for me. Take care xxxxxxxxxx

Gobbledigook · 30/05/2008 08:42

Agree with ggglimpopo totally. How awful for you. You definitely need to go and talk to someone independent - I'm sure the GP would have to keep anything that you say confidential.

puddytats · 30/05/2008 08:43

Only you can decide if yoou want o try and keep the relationship going. Rape is rape and i would not be able to continue in a relationship where trust had been so completly abused.

My heart goes out to you
xxx

hls · 30/05/2008 08:44

You need to talk to someone in RL_ there must be a women's rape crisis centre/phone number that you can call.

The worst thing to my mind is that he is in denial- and also it appears he has a drink problem if he is drinking so much and sleeping during the day- that is not normal behaviour.

Please phone a help line and see a solicitor too.

Lauriefairycake · 30/05/2008 08:50

I'm so sorry this has happened to you Yes of course it is unreasonable and it's also abusive. It is non concensual sex with someone who is unconscious so therefore rape.

I am also concerned that while you went out and left him with the children he thought it was ok to get drunk and be in charge of the children. Does he normally do this ? Is he normally sexually aggressive towards you ? Was he angry you were going out?

The physical aspects of what happened may need to be looked at as you may be ripped in your anus as you're so sore, if you feel up to it aybe go to the gp. At least to check if you need stitches, are you bleeding anywhere?

just so sorry that you are going through this

Original poster
wwhatnoww · 30/05/2008 08:51

I think I will go and see my gp on monday when kids are back at school.

I do not think my H knows just how bad this is -thinks because he was drunk it is acceptable or resolvable. I am not aware if he used a condom or not so will worry now till get my period too -- not that drunk that he did not clean himself up sorry if tmi but no mess in the bed.
It is the fact that he will not talk or face up to it after the row on wednesday I went to bed but came down for a drink for my lo he was laughing at the mighty boosh--how can he go on like nothing has happened and I feel like a bag of shit
We sat in the same room last night watched my name is earl it was funny but he was laughing and I could just notlaugh at all just sat there resenting him.

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 30/05/2008 08:54

I would gosee your gp now - if things do not resolve it will be questioned why you did not seek medical help ssoner. Sorry to be clinical about all this, but you should protect yourself from the rebound. See a doctor and ask for counselling.

You cannot help him or enact with him if he is denying it, but you can help yourself either come to terms with it or deal with it as you see fit. You cannot go on in a seething painful limbo.

You may also need medical treatment. And the map.

LoveMyGirls · 30/05/2008 08:55

Have you got a friend or relative you can stay with or anyone who can look after dc's just while you go to the gp today?

I feel so sad for you x

You have done nothing wrong or to be ashamed of I'm sure you know that already though x

Original poster
wwhatnoww · 30/05/2008 08:56

Not normaly sexually aggressive generally just grateful as young children have detrimental effect on our sex life.

Not angry that I went out funded it and he was not solely in charge my eldest is nearly 15 and helps with the others otherwise I woul not hav been drinking.

OP posts:
Original poster
wwhatnoww · 30/05/2008 08:58

thankyou for the replies will go and see GP asap.

OP posts:
YeahBut · 30/05/2008 09:00

You've been the victim of a serious sexual assault so I'm not suprised that you don't feel like laughing.
It sounds like your dh is doing his level best to act as though he has done nothing wrong in the hope that if he ignores it, you will forget about it. I think you should point out that even if he doesn't want to talk about this with you, the police would be very interested in hearing your story because rape in marriage is a crime.

Lauriefairycake · 30/05/2008 09:01

Definitely not criticising you for going out - yours was a planned night out, he sat in and got so pissed he raped you. Someone who could do that to someone unconscious should not be in charge of the children.

Glad your 15 year was there but they could hardly help if there was an accident if he was so pissed he couldn't control himself.

Even if he is in denial he must be aware that you are hurt and devastated and him not responding to that must feel awful for you

I also didn't answer you're original question. I would feel betrayed and I would not stay with someone who did not at least acknowledge my feelings about it now and apologise for hurting me in any way. I would be very reluctant to stay without couples counselling and him owning up to his drinking problem.

tribpot · 30/05/2008 09:02

Women's Aid

Rape Crisis

Please call them, you need to get some expert help.

Can I echo ggg in saying you need to see your GP as soon as you can. How awful for you.

2point4kids · 30/05/2008 09:03

I'm so sorry that this has happened. It seems that you are in a kind of limbo at the moment and you really need to do something to move things on.
You must go and see the GP to get it on the record in case you need it and you might also need medical attention. The GP will keep it confidential if that is what you want.

I think the most importnat thing first of all though is to speak to your husband and make him realise just how serious this is. It seems to me (and I apologise if I have got this wrong) that you havent actually spelled it out to him. He perhaps is thinking that you both had sex and that now neither of you can remember it as you were both drunk. By not clearly telling him what happened and by sitting together watching tv in the evenings he is not going to realise that is not what happened and that there is something seriously wrong here.
Clearly him being drunk is no excuse and you were unconcious and now in pain from what you see as a rape. You must tell him that and also tell him that you are going to the GP to get medical attention as you need it.

Can you ask him to go and stay with a friend for a bit so you can have time to yourself and think things through?

ninja · 30/05/2008 09:05

I think that you need to make it very clear to him how serious you feel this is -|I think I personally wouldn't go down the rape route as I'm guessing that you want to keep a relationship with him, but it doesn't look like he'll take you seriously by yourself. What about telling him you want to go to relate or have a one off appointment to talk about this with a third party so that your concerns can't be dismissed?

Good luck in getting back to normal x

MrsMacaroon · 30/05/2008 10:45

i think any Relate counsellor is duty bound to report any acts of violence/sexual abuse to the authorities... someone might know for sure but I'm pretty positive this is the case.

whatnow- your instincts are trying to tell you something...please listen and act. Don't get trapped in a relationship based on denial and fear. If nothing is done about this he's getting the message that this is acceptable behaviour. Don't get sidelined by the fact that he was drunk...it's irrelevant and only confuses the issue that he took advantage of you when you were incapacitated. That is a serious sexual abuse. The fact that he is a person that you are close to who is meant to protect you adds to the abuse. My father was sexually inappropriate when I was a child/teen and was also an alcoholic and this fact is now used as an excuse by my family when I decided to confront the abuse. Sexual abuse is more common in a family with alcohol issues as the drinking leads to loss of inhibitions and also the abuse is allowed to continue as the drinking is focused on.

Please see a GP asap and tell the whole story- don't censor anything. Don't look into the future too much, just take it a day at a time...I'll be thinking about you.

hls · 30/05/2008 10:52

I don't think a counsellor would report it if you asked her/him not to.

I think there is a difference between say reporting a client for something like murder/paedophilia, and what the OP said- not that it is less serious, but it is different.

again, if you went toy our GP and admitted murder, i don't know if they would be forced to tell the police. any GPs on line?

personally, I don't think counselling should be the first step- i think it should be GP for health advice and then calling one of the helplines someone posted- they will be able to tell you exactly what is what.

MrsMacaroon · 30/05/2008 11:09

hls- i'm pretty sure they're legally obliged to report any abuse within a relationship... anyone else know for certain?

TattooedGrrrl · 30/05/2008 13:56

counsellors are only obliged to report abuse / potential abuse of a child, or an act of terrorism.

hls · 30/05/2008 13:58

That's what I thought.

TattooedGrrrl · 30/05/2008 14:00

OP- i would definately go to your GP. In the v least there will then be a record of what happened and any injury, incase you need it at a later date.

As for your partner- i would advise that you do something. Leave this go, and you could 'allow' things to continue or escalate. Perhaps try talking to him when he is sober? Or simply ask him to leave for a while so you can think.

TattooedGrrrl · 30/05/2008 14:05

also OP- the title of the thread says 'unreasonable'...unreasonable is not picking up his socks, please see this for what it is. Imagine a close friend told you this had happened to her- what would you think / advise?

hercules1 · 30/05/2008 14:06

I didnt read this thread earlier as I thought it would be a trivial moan.
No advice, sorry but hope you see your gp at least as a start.

BumperliciousNeedsToSleep · 30/05/2008 14:29

Please please go to your GP asap. This is not on, how can you trust a man like this again. Go and stay with a friend this weekend, your best friend. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

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