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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

well how do you react if your DH of 10 years does something you consider unreasonable

134 replies

wwhatnoww · 30/05/2008 08:35

Help I have no one in real life to talk to about this.

I got very drunk on bank holiday monday came home late early hours.
I had been with friends I do not normally drink when out, I like to drive home but my friends thought it was about time I relaxed and had a drink and a laugh.

Nice night I got home safely everyone was asleep so I got in bed in pretty much fully clothed with my dh who had also been drinking and was well away snoring and cuddled in with him I think.

Woke up in the morning nothing on below the waist andvery very sore --sparing the details basially my dh had 'molested me in my sleep and made use of my back passage a very big taboo in this house I have refused to even consider it and he knows it.

So upset but have kids and had to get on with it having problems down there feels like I have given birth again --I was at the docs tues morning but with my teenager and was too embarrassed to mention anything.
THe worse of it dh slept most of tues waited for him to say something but never even mentioned it /asked if I was ok-got through tuesday night I am feeling so upset he feels nothing ??
Wednesday he asks if some one had slipped me something on monday night as I as behaving weird since and had gone out in a top with stains on tbh I cannot think straight I feel very betrayed and was ignoring it.
Well it took a row about crisps and me calling him an idiot on wednesday night for me to confront him and ask him if he thinks that his behaviour was ok said I was compliant I said I was unconscious he does not seem to think he has done anything wrong I said I feel like I have been raped I cannot stop crying he said well he had a drink too like it was an excuse and that I responded?
I have a problem with my knees and cannot put weight on them in a kneeling position so I know that doggy style sorry tmi would have hurt my knees and woke me up if I was not totally out of it.
The laugh of it is when he has a drink I generally know that he is not up for sex so would of felt safe getting in bed but it must of been that late /early that he was not that drunk iykwim.

He has avoided talking about it today he got drunk last night- I went to bed with the kids he spent all day in bed again.
What do I do I cannot get my head around this I cannot cope with the fact that he does not realise how deeply hurt I am physically and mentally .

I want to scream rape/ abuse /hurt and kick him out but I am so embarrassed cannot even talk to my best friend she senses something but just said we fell out over his behavior on monday night.
Can i tell my gp will it be confidential -could I call on this as unreasonable behavior if go for a divorce.
Does he know what he has done and is just in denial?
At this point in time cannot ever imagine sleeping with him again.

Thankyou if you have read this far helps to get it out.

OP posts:
MABS · 30/05/2008 16:26

How are you Whatnow? thinking of you a lot today xx

MrsMacaroon · 30/05/2008 18:21

Yes, i agree- this definitely goes waaaay beyond 'unreasonable'. If a person unknown to you had done this it would be a more obvious situation. It is more complex as this is your husband and the father of your children (i think) so the betrayal of trust is enormous and, for me, the relationship would be irretrievably broken.

Whatnow- I hope you have someone to confide in who can offer you support right now? I definitely agree about getting some time to think but I'm not sure if you should be the one to leave the house if that's what you decide. Also, make sure you have money put aside just in case...

You are not to blame for any of this. Nothing you did caused him to behave so disgustingly...you deserve to be respected, not abused (even when drunk/unconscious- actually especially then because you were vulnerable) and he should take responsibility for this instead of ignoring it hoping your confusion will cause you to minimize it and drop it. This is incredibly cowardly and you deserve so much better.

windygalestoday · 30/05/2008 18:32

what a bastard im sorry but thats how i feel - if i were you id want to drug him and ram the biggest courgette up his ass no a marrow even -what a pig thing to do - you must do something he has violated you and whats worse he knew how strongly you felt i too am not a back door kind girl and my dh respects that.

StarlightMcKenzie · 30/05/2008 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

purpleduck · 30/05/2008 18:44

windygales, i was about to sat the same thing. Well except with a carrot.
I am not being glib. What he did was very very wrong, however, if you feel that it is not "enough" to separate, then I would give him a taste of his own medicine.
Seriously.

mrsshapelybottom · 30/05/2008 20:33

Oh what an awful thing to happen to you - you must be feeling devastated - there is some great advice already given, I hope you are not still in too much pain down below

littlewoman · 30/05/2008 22:38

This is so totally disrespectful. Are you a person or a hole to be poked at? (Sorry, don't mean to be coarse, but he certainly didn't heed your personal wishes so can only assume the latter).

Go to the GP, and please make dh see that you are not going to let this slide. It was a serious offence. Even if you decide not to do anything about it, he should be ashamed, sorry, and grovelling - not laughing at comedies whilst you cry in corners.

So for you.

Original poster
wwhatnoww · 31/05/2008 17:26

Thankyou
notto bad atthe mo
almost cried while at softplay today sat on my own while lo 's played still not told anyone in real life but I AM going to the GP on Monday so it will go on file hubby working yesterday and today so just not speaking but trying to keep it normal in front of the kids.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 31/05/2008 17:48

Just to agree with everyone else - this is not 'something you consider unreasonable'. This is 'something everyone considers illegal and wrong'. Please don't blame yourself.

StarlightMcKenzie · 31/05/2008 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

usgirls · 31/05/2008 23:22

Erm, let's get this into perspective, shall we? Op and her husband both drunk, OP 'cuddles up' to h (she thinks...). Wakes up in the morning and realises they've had anal sex. Right, so, Op doesn't like the idea of anal but clearly can't remember what happened so how does she know she wasn't compliant? This is her husband, remember, the man she, presumably, sleeps with on a nightly basis and trusts. I'm not saying it's right, but lots of men fantasise about anal sex and maybe he was just pushing his advantage (and also drunk himself). Her h is probably acting unconcerned because he just sees it as a drunken episode of sexual experimentation between a husband and wife and nothing to make such a big deal about. Maybe if she told him how she was feeling he'd be horrified. The problem here is not 'rape' or 'abuse', but what's behind the op's reluctance to talk to her h about what happened and let him know how bad she feels about it.

pooka · 31/05/2008 23:29

Errrm.

OP drunk. OP's H fully aware that anal sex taboo (OP mentions this in original post).
I personally feel that sexual experimentation of the kind OP has talked about, particularly given previous refusal of consent when sober, when OP was very drunk (her words), to the extent that she cannot remember what happened, is at BEST a massive betrayal of trust. At worst, far more serious.

Pushing his advantage?? You make it sound like a game, just a bit of give and take. I don't think the OP feels that way.

SlartyBartFast · 31/05/2008 23:29

i disagree, usgirls. absolutely. how woud you feel even if itis her DH, she doesnt like anal, she feels violated

lou031205 · 31/05/2008 23:34

wwhatnoww, I am very for you. You mention your husband asked if you had been slipped something. Is that possible? at all?

You say you were very drunk, could someone else have done this to you? I only ask because of some of the things in your OP, and wondered if it is definitely your husband. Because if not, the issues would be very different.

lou031205 · 31/05/2008 23:37

sorry - have just read that he said you were compliant .

Suppose then the issues are surrounding trust. No easy answers. I hope GP is helpful.

usgirls · 31/05/2008 23:43

IMO the OP is over-reacting and posts suggesting she leave him immediately are just not helpful. Why not sit down and tell her H how she feels, rather than sulking? Maybe if he knew (or even remembers, it sounds as though they were both pretty out of it) he would be able to apologise/explain himself/make her feel better. I would take this seriously if her H had been drunk and she had been sober and he'd forced himself on her, but this clearly wasn't the case.

lou031205 · 31/05/2008 23:45

But, usgirls, this is anal penetration, not just a fondle or slightly different position.

lou031205 · 31/05/2008 23:48

IMO, and maybe I'm prudish, that is a whole other kettle of fish.

pooka · 31/05/2008 23:50

But by that you seem to be saying that if she was drunk, but him sober, then you wouldn't "take it seriously". Whereas I genuinely think most people would.

We don't know how drunk OP was, OR how drunk her H was. What we do know is what we've been told: that the OP was completely drunk; that the H thinks that she was compliant (which is a weird choice of word, because for me compliant doesn't sound exactly consensual or enthusiastic); that the OP was in pain the next day; that she feels violated because she would never ordinarily consent to anal sex (and her h was aware of this).

Your attitude to the OP and what has happened seems really harsh to me.

janestillhere · 31/05/2008 23:52

Agree with usgirls.
Sorry for OP but when too much alcohol is consumed, your judgement is altered.
I have certainly got myself into a situation that could have been rape in the past - however I was pissed and I initially encouraged him.
Rape is never right - just sometimes I think the facts can be blurred.

usgirls · 01/06/2008 00:09

So is everyone getting up in arms because it was anal penetration? What if the OP's taboo was, say, nipple tweaking? Read the OP back and substitute that. 'Should I leave my husband because he tweaked my nipples while both he and I were pissed'? I don't think the reaction would be quite the same somehow. Some people enjoy anal, some don't (I'm no advocate BTW, the only person sharing my bed is my DD), I just think the OP should tell her H why she's upset. As I said, many men like/would like to have anal sex (with a woman) and maybe her H considers it to be harmless experimentation. I know she says anal is taboo when she's sober, but she wasn't sober, clearly, was she?

lou031205 · 01/06/2008 00:22

But nipple tweaking isn't intercourse. The law states that for anal sex to be legal, both parties must be over 18, they must both consent, and it must be in private.

The op states that her first knowledge of it was the next morning. She may have complied, but didn't consent.

pooka · 01/06/2008 00:23

Agree with Lou. Nipple tweaking massively different. But at the same time, I would not expect my DH to do anything I wasn't comfortable with sober, if I was drunk. Even if he was drunk too.

usgirls · 01/06/2008 00:34

OK Lou, so let her leave her h, take her kids and become a lone parent, all for the sake of a drunken poke up the arse that neither of them can remember. I couldn't think of a better reason for splitting up a family. Or even better, let her accuse him of rape and really fuck everything up. Or, maybe, let her tell her H she is unhappy about what happened (rather than not talking to him) and let them sort it out. It's not such a huge deal in the great scheme of things.

MrsMacaroon · 01/06/2008 00:56

It's very normal to be confused and in shock after something like this happens to you...please ask for counselling at the GPs. You need some real life support... don't know how you're managing to even look at him after what he has done. Don't sit on your feelings- that's what causes anxiety and depression. I should know, I've been there.

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