well how do you react if your DH of 10 years does something you consider unreasonable

[wwhatnoww]

Help I have no one in real life to talk to about this.

I got very drunk on bank holiday monday came home late early hours.
I had been with friends I do not normally drink when out, I like to drive home but my friends thought it was about time I relaxed and had a drink and a laugh.

Nice night I got home safely everyone was asleep so I got in bed in pretty much fully clothed with my dh who had also been drinking and was well away snoring and cuddled in with him I think.

Woke up in the morning nothing on below the waist andvery very sore --sparing the details basially my dh had 'molested me in my sleep and made use of my back passage a very big taboo in this house I have refused to even consider it and he knows it.

So upset but have kids and had to get on with it having problems down there feels like I have given birth again --I was at the docs tues morning but with my teenager and was too embarrassed to mention anything.
THe worse of it dh slept most of tues waited for him to say something but never even mentioned it /asked if I was ok-got through tuesday night I am feeling so upset he feels nothing ??
Wednesday he asks if some one had slipped me something on monday night as I as behaving weird since and had gone out in a top with stains on tbh I cannot think straight I feel very betrayed and was ignoring it.
Well it took a row about crisps and me calling him an idiot on wednesday night for me to confront him and ask him if he thinks that his behaviour was ok said I was compliant I said I was unconscious he does not seem to think he has done anything wrong I said I feel like I have been raped I cannot stop crying he said well he had a drink too like it was an excuse and that I responded?
I have a problem with my knees and cannot put weight on them in a kneeling position so I know that doggy style sorry tmi would have hurt my knees and woke me up if I was not totally out of it.
The laugh of it is when he has a drink I generally know that he is not up for sex so would of felt safe getting in bed but it must of been that late /early that he was not that drunk iykwim.

He has avoided talking about it today he got drunk last night- I went to bed with the kids he spent all day in bed again.
What do I do I cannot get my head around this I cannot cope with the fact that he does not realise how deeply hurt I am physically and mentally .

I want to scream rape/ abuse /hurt and kick him out but I am so embarrassed cannot even talk to my best friend she senses something but just said we fell out over his behavior on monday night.
Can i tell my gp will it be confidential -could I call on this as unreasonable behavior if go for a divorce.
Does he know what he has done and is just in denial?
At this point in time cannot ever imagine sleeping with him again.

Thankyou if you have read this far helps to get it out.

usgirls- very shocked at the dismissive tone of your posts...clearly you didn't read the OP carefully. The OP states that she was asleep during intercourse, the husband never said that she was compliant, just that she 'responded' which is very different. Whatever way you paint this, he took advantage of her in an unforgivable way and he knows it- hence the all day sleeping and getting drunk. The accusation of her 'sulking' minimizes the depth of her feelings and is a very insensitive way to approach someone who feels violated. Obviously you have no personal experience of this or you wouldn't be so quick to judge. To replace 'anal penetration' with 'nipple tweaking' in this scenario serves no purpose and is frankly a moronic way to deal with this issue...

Actually, I agree with usgirls here.

I do think there has been an over-reaction in some of the responses here. The OP stated that she was very drunk, and in fact her husband even asked if she was slipped something as she was behaving weird. Could it not be the case that she was fully willing at the time, and simply cannot remember?

Also OP: re being worried about your next period - you cannot get pregnant from anal sex.

Should add that if this is the case - that he did 'molest' you when you were completely unconscious then I hope you do do something about it. I hope you are okay.

Erm, to have consensual anal sex you need to use lots of lubrication, take your time etc. The OP reports being in lots of pain afterwards, which suggests that her DH was clumsy and inconsiderate - and doing something she had said she didn't want him to do. Just being very drunk is not enough, and it sounds like there were already worrying problems in the relationship.

Presumably she doesn't know if he had vaginal sex with her as well?

Yes, she may have seemed willing, but she also seemed out of character, obviousy, as her 'D'H thought she'd been slipped something.

I'm pretty damn sure that if my life partner came home behaving oddly, leading me to think he'd been dosed, my first impulse wouldn't be to try to get him to participate in sexual activity he normally says no to!

surely if that was that painful you would wake up though, no matter how inebriated you are?

Let's get some perspective on this-

IMO it IS an over reaction to suggest leaving him, unless there are other issues that are going on. OP_ your question as to whether this could be grounds for divorce suggests you were thinking of divorce anyway? However, it is impossible for US to know your depth of feeling over this incident.

I think, OP, that you need to be sure what happened - that means a trip to your GP as you do seem unclear whether your H had anal sex, vaginal sex, or both with you. If it was both, you might need treatment, for possible infections, depending what went where, and in what order.

Usgirls- the OP HAS talked to her husband- did you not read her post?

What puzzles me is that if you had non-consensual anal sex, you would be very sore, there might be blood around, and you would surely have been aware of it at the time.

How much had you had to drink?

I think you need to be clear what you want- are you wanting this to be reason for a divorce? Are you wanting to press charges for assault? Or are you wanting to find out what happened and get yourself checked over in case there are health issues now?

These are all very different and you need to be clear what outcome you want.

I have never suggested that she leaves him. I simply pointed out that anal penetration is different from nipple tweaking.

well I am here alone after after working a very long day

my kids are fine

first I want to say thankyou for any replies all advise has been noted and I am going to my gp tomorrow

pain?
well thankyou but yes I am still bleeding from both orifaces my fanny feels raw and there is blood when I poo mostly very loose still tmi but feel that certain posters think this is trivial

yes I was very drunk we are talking 4 am on a bank holiday ---my friend owns a pub I never drink when out like to get home safe to my kids but it was bank holiday monday and my dh was not in work the nextday

am sorry I drank wine and then black russians relaxing for a change i never drink when out ---I thought i was safe??? secure ???
I had no idea my dear husband would react the way he did we have a relatively good sex life lots of sex during the day when kids at school we talk and we laugh thought we had a good relationship.

I got in bed at 4 am I had had dress on vest top and leggings i took of my dress and got in bed pretty much fully clothed
with my Dh and he murmered if I remember right so I cuddled in with him and the next thing I remember is the morning
whoops sorry if you do not believe me usgirls
but oooups it really did happen unfortunatley to me --

yes it is my fault that I can not commumicate to my husband that what did
is totally yuk and yuk again to me but I am the one with the pain ?
i am talking 10 yrs of marriage and a husband in total denial btw he is on nights at the mo we have not even spoke today

not sure of anything at the mo but it is not trivial I know that not nipple tweaking
and can i just say no i do know if he did /I had sex both ways he was sober enough that there was no signs/mess left

do not know what else to say will post after seeing my gpn tomorrow monday

Blood when you poo?

Hmm, that is concerning, and not a 'normal' effect of anal sex. Maybe you are ripped? Are you bleeding from your vagina as well?

Good luck at the GP, and let us know how you get on.

Hiya WWW, just wanted you to know that I really do not think you are over-reacting. there is no way i could brush something like this under the carpet and pretend it doesn't matter. I think one of the worst parts is the complete betrayal of trust by your h. This is the person who is supposed to look after you when you are at your most vulnerable, not a stranger in the pub who may take advantage of/try his luck with an intoxicated female. You say your relationship was fine before, but does he actually show you respect? I don't really have any useful advice for you on how to move forward but please keep your appointment tomorrow. If you're struggling to sleep maybe it would be worth putting your feelings down in writing - letter to him? might be easier than talking face to face. even if you write it you don't have to give it to him but i think it would be a good idea to reinforce what you've previously told him seeing as he is still in denial. good luck tomoorw and take care honey x

thankyou was actully thinkung of printing out this thread and letting him read it perhaps then he mightrealise the seriousness of what has happened.
was on the phone to my friend not long ago almost told her but still feel ashamed?

will see gp tomorrow
off now

I'm just off to bed now too. you've got absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of. i'm sure you will feel better when you see the doc and she'll be able to give you something to ease the pain and discomfort, physically anyway. it may be worth asking for a pg test too if that's worrying you. I think you should also ask to be referred to a counsellor at least it will be a real life qualified person who is still distant enough from you for you to talk openly and honestly. And, yes do print off this thread. it'll show dh that there are other people who think that his disrespect for your body and feelings that night were completely unacceptable, not just you over-reacting iyswim? also, you said you have a 15yo (don't know if it's a boy or girl). what would you say to your daughter if she confided a similar problem to you? Just some things to think about. no rush to do anything except get all the help you can to ease your pain tomorrow x

Let us know how you get on at the Drs today WW. I hope that they are sympathetic and give you soon good advice.

I still think it would really help you to sit down and tell your husband exactly how you feel. It must be horrible for you living in the same house and just carrying on as though nothing has happened. Printing off this thread and showing him is a good idea.

If you dont feel that you can do that, then could you show the thread t your real life friend tat you almost confided in? or email it to her if you are not confident enough to do it in person? She will be able to give you some much needed rl support and perhaps even offer you somewhere t stay away from your dh to have a good think about what you want to do.

Good luck today x

Have you see n your GP and how did it go?

How did you get on at the GPs? x

WW Thinking of you today how did it go? Hope you're feeling better x

How did you get on? Let us know.

Just returned to this thread. Can I just point out to the people who are saying the OP was so drunk "her DH thought she had been slipped something", that that is NOT what she said.

She said "Wednesday he asks if some one had slipped me something on monday night as I as behaving weird since and had gone out in a top with stains on tbh I cannot think straight" ie that it was her stunned behaviour since that night that led him to supposedly conclude that she had been slopped something, and NOT that he thought she had been so drunk on the night in question.

bit delayed to this one and don't normally post but i am so on behalf of the op. ffs a man, who she has trusted implicitly for the past 10 years has completely ignored her by having anal sex. whether he was drunk or not is no excuse. he knew she had said no in the past and he should have doubly known due to her being drunk, what she would suddenly change her mind because she had had a few drinks. if my dh ever tried anything like this, i am not sure i would ever trust him again. he took advantage of his dearest beloved wife when she was in a v vulnerable position (drunk and unable to say no). how dare he, no op, you are not overreacting, you have every right to feel as you do. i feel truly sad for you and hope it went ok at the gp. will be looking out for you in this post.

HOpe the doctors went ok. I cannot believe some people are saying this is ok! Does that mean if women have a drink they are "asking for it". Surely after 10 years your husband would know whther you would EVER consider anal!
If this had been me I think I would be asking him to move out while I considered whether I wanted to be with him. This loss of trust will take some recovery.

I am so sorry for you and hope the GP was able to help.

Sorry to be graphic... but whatnow don't listen to usgirls, 'normal' consensual anal sex would not lead to bleeding/feeling like you've just given birth... only a rough/violent encounter would cause that.

Can totally understand why you're finding it so hard to talk to people in RL. I think you are partly ashamed that the man you have loved for the last ten years and father to your DC could possibly turn out to be such a brute? I would be distraught.

Really hope your Dr was sympathetic x

hope you're ok WW, I'm so sorry for what has happened to you. to be abused in your own home by somebody who you should be able to trust with your life has got to be the worst! your home should be your safe haven.

I can't believe that some poster have questioned what you said. Its like going back in time when a woman would report a rape and people wouldn't believe her! NOBODY has the right to hurt you like that WW Husband or not!!

JJ3908 I agree with you totally, normal consensual vaginal or anal sex would not lead to bleading or such bad pain

Just returned to this thread having managed to blow up my laptop yesterday! Didn't realise the op was in such pain/bleeding. Wwhatnoww, I really hope you got yourself sorted out at the doctors and that you have lots of support in whatever course of action you choose to take now.