Has sex changed so much in the porn era that it is impossible to find someone who enjoys sex for sex itsel

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My sister has been online dating for a few years, and has now decided to give up because she's fed up with men wanting to act out every fantasy and kinky dream they've had -probably fueled by pornography -from the first date. She's also encountered some real sex freaks, and on occasion has been accused of being 'vanilla' for not wanting anal sex (just one example of many).

I've been married for almost twenty years and have no idea how things have changed in that domain... Can you share your stories about sex in modern dating, and how do you protect yourself/ establish boundaries? My sister just wants to get to know someone, have sex they both enjoy eventually, without having to act as a porn star to keep a man interested.
(Sorry, the title should read 'sex itself, but I don't seem to be able to edit this)

Bloke here and I’d agree with previous posters who were saying it’s not just men like this. My last three partners were all very forward and confident with what they wanted. Some things I didn’t want to do so I didnt do it.

My current partner has broached anal and strangulation for example. I’m not interested in either.

Our sex life is sensational by the way. I do think modern culture has liberated women to be more demanding and confident in the bedroom.

So interesting isn't it because i have success with a kind of similarly stringent, yet opposite approach, I need someone to be really good to talk to for quite a long time before I want them to take me on a date. I want them to put the effort in with the chat.

And I want them to see enough of me that I know they will likely fancy me, and I want to see lots of pictures of them - just to know if they are a normal pleasant 49 year old man in a Mountain Warehouse hoodie, or some kind of weirdo in brogues.

I also quite like a bit of talk about sex because I can work out what it is that really they like - it's not specific acts but the way it is done, are they very focused on my pleasure (need to be enough, but not obsessed with edging, for example); need to be more about mental power games than exhibition, not necessarily to the extreme but what is the core of what gets them off in their secret heart. I'm old and experienced enough not to want to bother with someone who has a really different wiring from me, maybe someone who uses language and ideas differently around sex, for example.

I see that as nothing less than abuse @jubs15 horrific.

I wouldn’t even have made it to a first date ,as I would have exited the conversation at any mention of a man being unemployed in his early 40s. I’ve dated a couple of guys working part time in the past but they were early 30s and postgraduate students.

Unless there was some exceptional circumstances at play to excuse or explain a man in his 40s being jobless of course.

I have been unemployed myself before but I focused on finding a job before dating.

I need someone to be really good to talk to for quite a long time before I want them to take me on a date. I want them to put the effort in with the chat.

I see what you’re trying to say but I think talking on apps is quite low effort! I want to see their actions more than words.

Good chat before the date is the bare minimum and I do try and get the measure of them in the conversations we have, as I won’t just date anyone - too risky! So far I haven’t had a bad first date so my radar is not bad 😊

But my point is after a few days or a week at most they should want to be setting up a date, even if that date is scheduled for some point in the future.

I tend not to be available the same week they ask anyway, but I want to see the intention is there on their end quite early.

She needs clear boundaries. I started OLD in late 40s after long marriage. I didn’t get into long chats back and forth. And made it clear that I didnt get into sexual discussions with people is not met. Never had an issue - anyone who didn’t accept that I accepted as someone I didn’t want to meet.

I don't want to hijack this thread with my own story as I posted a topic about that guy when I was still with him. He wasn't abusive in that he'd stop if I said no and didn't force me into anything, but his expectations were so far away from reality that the situation became untenable. He was the only guy I'd fancied that I'd actually matched with in 3 years, so I gave him a chance but I couldn't compete with the porn. I suspect he and his right hand continue to be very happy together.

I don’t think it’s derailing or hijacking the thread . It’s very much related to the OP!

I am sorry you experienced this @jubs15 but rough sexual acts like that which are likely to cause pain or alarm are abusive unless the other person has expressly given consent.

Giving someone the option to shout stop when you’ve already started isn’t much of an option in this context.

Many women who want to say no actually freeze in these situations. That’s why you’re meant to gain proper full free enthusiastic consent before you do something like this.

What else did you see in him? Overall he sounds awful, no way would I entertain a man like that just because he was hot or whatever. Character is so important and women should get used to walking off at the first red flag. Your life may depend on it.

As women we can be at great risk with male partners, so the one you choose really should have more qualities than being fanciable. Being gainfully employed and being in the habit of checking consent is the bare minimum.

Yeah, I know. He had all sorts of problems that were never going to get fixed because he thought everyone else was the problem, not him. I didn't freeze as such, but when things happened and I had to say no it put me RIGHT off. I told him that I didn't want stuff he'd seen in porn done to me, especially without asking first. He assumed I'd like it because that's what the women in porn "enjoyed".

He was rarely able to orgasm, which made me feel there was something wrong with me (I'd never had this problem with previous partners). He genuinely thought I should be able to orgasm with no or very brief clitoral stimulation, so I almost never did get anywhere because of the psychological pressure. The sex was soul-destroying and I'm not sure how I'd be able to have sex with someone else after all that.

So sorry @jubs15 I hope you’re able to seek counselling or engage in some therapeutic practices that help you recover from that trauma.

This made me laugh 😆 it's also true

I’ve online dated a lot in the last 9 years. Although none of them ever mentioned it, it was clear the majority of them watched a lot of porn. Lots of them obsessed with anal (which I tried but is definitely not for me, one into pegging (which holds zero interest for me) but the overriding symptoms were that they struggled to orgasm during sex (due to death grip) and left me feeling unfulfilled and like I wasn’t good enough. Even if they claimed to care about pleasuring me it was ultimately their pleasure and desires they cared about. Therefore none of them lasted more that a few weeks or a couple of months.

Met someone 18 months ago who isn’t into porn and actually barely masturbates (by his own admission). Best sex I’ve ever had by far, he’s entirely focused on my pleasure and that’s what gets him off. It’s equally hot and passionate and loving. There are some good ones out there still but it rare, for sure.

Me too

@Boleynforsoup pass him my way if you get bored of him, such men are a rarity these days!!!

Love how you've expressed this! Lol.

But yes, it's true, porn has a lot to answer for.

Hahaha no chance! He’s an absolute diamond in all the ways that matter. Kind, supports me be the best version of myself, a great father to his daughter, makes me laugh so much and the best shag. I just wish I’d met him 20 years ago.