Has sex changed so much in the porn era that it is impossible to find someone who enjoys sex for sex itsel

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My sister has been online dating for a few years, and has now decided to give up because she's fed up with men wanting to act out every fantasy and kinky dream they've had -probably fueled by pornography -from the first date. She's also encountered some real sex freaks, and on occasion has been accused of being 'vanilla' for not wanting anal sex (just one example of many).

I've been married for almost twenty years and have no idea how things have changed in that domain... Can you share your stories about sex in modern dating, and how do you protect yourself/ establish boundaries? My sister just wants to get to know someone, have sex they both enjoy eventually, without having to act as a porn star to keep a man interested.
(Sorry, the title should read 'sex itself, but I don't seem to be able to edit this)

Exactly. Lol. My landlady used to joke that a true man in his 80s erected and kept it hard having seen his wife never naked.

Porn has made them ill, futile, sick and confused

She should date divorced men they’re quite good in bed and see a new woman as variety in itself.

Yes but cocklodging alerting

Be careful she doesn’t get my ex!

I feel like we should be able to give reviews 😁

Yeah, on Thrust Pilot.

Legend!

I think it’s fair to say that porn has changed the way we go about sex, but not necessarily always in a negative way. It has probably made both sexes more confident, experimental and less vanilla but of course that’s all very subjective and everyone will have a different view on it.

Both myself and my DP watch porn, we are both very open about it and we may suggest a new thing/kink that we have seen. Sometimes it’s a go-er, sometimes it’s a no-er.

From my experience, when I was OLDing, the woman were just as forward, I had two dates where she asked if I liked anal and another of if I had ever been pegged before! I didn’t see this as a red flag but I can absolutely see why a man asking similar questions would be off putting.

If she was, she wouldn’t be the only one.

I was at my sisters a few weeks ago and ended up watching one of her husbands strange old horror movies from the 70s that was basically just a porno.

I’m far from a porn expert (although I have probably seen my fair share) but two things struck me:

1. I don’t think porn has changed that much from back then. Probably because….

2. There’s really only so many ways you can insert genetalia into each other, or a mouth.

What has changed, is the sheer volume of it, the easy availability of it, and of course the more extreme stuff being made out to be normal and generally accepted (anal, choking etc etc).

I think the fact that fundamentally it is quite boring and only so many ways you can insert appendage A into hole B is why people keep pushing things to the extreme.

As regards this post though, I’m surprised at you saying that women are like this as well.

I find that hard to believe, tbh, and suspect that if any women are like this, they are in the minority.

I know many women who enjoy sex, but I don’t know any who would enquire hopefully about anal on a first date.

I’ve been in a relationship with my now husband for 12 years, all is good in the bedroom.
I met my husband in my mid thirties but my dating before him from age 17-35 was filled with some awful sexual encounters.
Like you said, lots of trying to persuade you into anal or some other kink. When I was a teenager there was also a lot of coercion from men old enough to be my dad. I’m sure porn plays it’s part but my sex life started way before the internet and men behaved like entitled animals then to. The Change happens when you realise your worth and have no problem with telling them to fuck right off.

This exactly.

I think it’s fair to say that porn has changed the way we go about sex, but not necessarily always in a negative way

I see what you're trying to say but honestly I mostly disagree.

Mainstream porn consists mostly of acts that hurt and humiliate women. That's what men (in general) get off on.

Yes there's some "ethical" porn out there. Yes some women might like being hurt/humiliated. But I do think most of us do not gain pleasure from a lot of the things shown.

It's just so rigid now. I feel pressurised to say right off the bat whether I'm willing to do certain things or not and if I say yes to anything then it's expected I'll do it right away. That doesn't work for me. I need time. If the relationships good and I have real trust in the other person then maybe I'll be more open to some things but don't pressure me before we even take our clothes off! It's makes me not want to commit to doing anything! That is what puts me off sex now.

@DancingLionsi feel the same as you. Sometimes men ask me “would I do this or that” and expecting you to do it straightaway. The trust and a connection has to be there for me. I’m not doing loads of stuff the very first time we have sex.

Thanks everyone for sharing your opinions and experiences. What worries my sister is the immediate demand or questions about your sex preferences (most of them not regular) before even reaching the first date, or getting to know each other. As for me, I don't think I'd ever want to meet someone who asks if I do anal even before we've even seen each other in person!!

Why on earth is she meeting these freaks? Tell her to just block them.

Nah. They’ll be telling her about years of missing out on sex while being married and wanting “ non vanilla “ things to catch up now. Trust me, I’ve been there. She needs to find mentally healthy men of her own age

There all over all dating apps. Until you start speaking to them its not obvious who they are which can be frustrating if you have been getting to know them for a couple of days and then they blurt out there sexual expectations.

What worries my sister is the immediate demand or questions about your sex preferences (most of them not regular) before even reaching the first date, or getting to know each other.

I understand that they're common but the OP says they're immediately asking inappropriate questions, so I have no idea why she's entertaining them.

I met plenty of men extremely into the kind of sex I like, but I certainly quite early on found it a good idea to put ‘not interested in pain, anal or strangling so don’t ask’ up front (this was on a sex forum, not Hinge…). Which does indicate the state of things. Nor did it stop them asking, it just made it quicker to shut down.

The hilarious thing was that they all practically needed a fainting couch if I said ‘not Wednesday, I’m on my period’. Men live in an unreal world sometimes.

I think OLD is just continuous disappointment. You match with someone who looks nice and they have a good profile. First exchange of chats it’s kind of exciting and then bang, it’s straight in to the sex.

There is nothing wrong with vanilla. She should own it. Any man who brings up sex in any context in the first few messages should be unmatched and blocked straight away. They don't get any better, they're not interested in you as a person, they just want their dick servicing.

Don't match with men who have in their profile 'sex positive ', 'adventurous ' or 'tactile'. That seems to be code online for sex pest. Be wary of those who put in their bio that their love language is physical touch. Don't match with men who want 'fun casual dates'. We might see that as easy going dates at a bowling alley or similar, but they mean sex in a car park.

I don't get the obsession of straight men with anal sex. What on earth could they possibly want to do that for? Its not like it's something that looks good on the screen either. It's frightening that it's become some sort of normal thing, we have vaginas for a reason! I honestly think men who request it should be shamed for it.

I haven't experienced OLD but I would think any dating site based on a profile pic alone where you swipe one way or the other is a red flag in itself? If you want a relationship why sign up for something based around casual sex hook ups. I understand there are agencies still out there where you pay money and people are screened in person, people who sign on are looking for relationships and partners not just sex. I know someone who met her Dh that way.

It's women who consumed trash like 50 shades in their millions.