Has sex changed so much in the porn era that it is impossible to find someone who enjoys sex for sex itsel

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My sister has been online dating for a few years, and has now decided to give up because she's fed up with men wanting to act out every fantasy and kinky dream they've had -probably fueled by pornography -from the first date. She's also encountered some real sex freaks, and on occasion has been accused of being 'vanilla' for not wanting anal sex (just one example of many).

I've been married for almost twenty years and have no idea how things have changed in that domain... Can you share your stories about sex in modern dating, and how do you protect yourself/ establish boundaries? My sister just wants to get to know someone, have sex they both enjoy eventually, without having to act as a porn star to keep a man interested.
(Sorry, the title should read 'sex itself, but I don't seem to be able to edit this)

This is my experience too.

I think porn watchers/multiple masturbators often are the ones who end up with erectile dysfunction, because they can't keep an erection during sex with a real woman.
And isn't it exhausting to be with a bloke who pounds away for ever because he can't finish?

I'm glad I found and settled down with an old fashioned guy.

I'm single and childless. There are many threads which aren't about children or pregnancy, like this one. At least,no one's booted me off yet.

Anyway. I have met and slept with* quite a few men in the last few years. I am quite clear about what I won't do, (no shit, no piss, no anal, no choking,) and mostly I haven't had any complaints, though a number of men have told me I'd love anal if I tried it (I have tried it. I didn't live it.) To be fair, other than anal, mostly I don't need to mention it at all.

But I am in my 50s, and I've spent many years single and they don't have to be with me at all if they aren't satisfied with what is on offer. Would I be able to be so clear if I were in my 20s? Probably not.

• not literally slept with most of them, to be fair...

Maybe I’m being naive but that’s the age range I’m in and would have expected much younger men to act like that.

Maybe it’s the site or something about her profile that’s attracting that type of bloke… or maybe most men are far more degenerate than both my friends and I are.

Your sister deserves better.

I would say that 'enjoying sex for sex itself' is exactly what people are doing when they want to do something kinky or whatever. It sounds like your sister is looking for a more emotional connection and actually doesn't want sex for the sake of sex alone. She wants a certain type of sex life and a sex life accompanied by a certain type of relationship. Which is fine, but it's not just 'sex for sex itself' - it's the opposite of that.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your sister for wanting the kind of sex life she wants - but there's also nothing wrong with people who want something different. Calling someone 'vanilla' for only wanting specific types of sex is no different from calling someone 'a sex freak' because they like different things to you, really.

I also think it's a bit odd to assume that it's only men who have fantasies or want something a bit more kinky. I would be extremely bored/disappointed by a man who only wanted to do very mainstream stuff in the bedroom or who accused me of being porn-obsessed or a 'sex freak' for enjoying things he didn't.

It's really just about compatibility. Obviously it's essential to set boundaries and be clear about them - nobody should ever be doing anything they don't want to do in bed, regardless of what it is. But of course if someone's boundaries are so vastly different from their partner's that their partner won't ever be truly fulfilled by their sex life, the relationship isn't going to work. That doesn't mean either partner is wrong; it just means they're incompatible.

Amen!

Of course, if there is mutual consent anything both approve of should be fine ( as long as no danegerous practices are involved, of course).

I’m on & off on line dating for years ..
Met with all types of different guys , mostly good , some I’ve seen , some we’ve left at coffee ..
One’s I have seen I have been intimate with, & always discussed our sexual preferences, we’re adults 🤷🏻‍♀️ ..
No guy ever tried to push anything on me , it would have been due to completely different reasons we stopped seeing one another..

I’ve also had FWB & also never a problem there either ..
Definitely depends on the men I guess …

My biggest issue with this is that some men are so forward that they don’t come across as being worried about what you want. If it’s one sided it’s not really enjoying sex for the sake of sex, I’ve had a FWB before and there is no point unless you are on the same page.

I’ve noticed that they all just want blow jobs and not actual sex, no time spent on the woman, and most can’t get it up after a drink but think it’s always been like that.

This!!
Death grip has ruined them, watching weird shit, watching women “enjoying” extreme stuff. All I want is a good fuck with passionate kissing and no-one can deliver it! Surely men want proper thrusting sex? How can that ever not feel good?

This says it all.

And this is what needs to be taught in sex ed classes. There needs to be a frank discussion that choking, slapping and anal sex are not part of normal heterosexual sex. How many women are being told that refusing anal sex makes them boring? The curriculum should teach the dangers of these practices not suggest ways to make them ‘safer’. My two DSs have both been told that I never want to hear that they have tried to push partners into this type of sex. They know my views on this. And quite frankly I would feel that I had failed as a parent if my son treated a woman like a piece of meat.

A lot of men don’t even kiss properly either. Like no passionate kissing, my guess is because they don’t want to get too attached, they just want to stick it in

I haven't really noticed this. Men do want "proper thrusting sex" IME, and most are interested in my pleasure, and are delighted if I orgasm. (This is not that difficult an achievement in my case, but I 'm not going to tell them so.)

I read or heard somewhere that the rate of orgasms women experience at the start of a relationship is quite high and then after a few months it drops off as men make less effort. This is 100% my experience of my ex after we stopped using condoms it became all about him. A man I met on online dating in his late 40s.

Girl I used to work with had “porn addicts need not apply” in her tinder bio and on her hinge. She got married last year so I guess she found one! Used to be soo funny at work when she would show me screenshots of men getting genuinely annoyed and messaging her just to tell her she would never find a man with that attitude. It probably helps that she is beautiful, but her husband is really nice and a bit of a sort himself.

I love this! If I ever did OLD (which I wouldn’t so pointless really🤣) I would put this too!

My ex is clearly watching a lot of porn as he mentioned in passing that most men (him?) get ED at late 30’s/early 40’s so him and all his porny mates are clearly just wanking themselves silly🙄

I love a bit of rough, chucking me about passionate sex but any guy, no matter how hot, mentioned anal/vanilla/choking to me and he’d get dumped.

Possibly, OP.
I haven't needed sex (with a man) since I hit 42 and four years later regret nothing. 😁

You are lucky 😆

Then I'm not really sure what the issue is unless your sister has been coerced into something. Sleeping with someone, realising you're not into the same things and going your separate ways as a result is only a problem if consent is being violated or ignored.

Of course it's a huge problem if men are trying to coerce her, or getting angry with her. It's perfectly reasonable for someone to end a relationship because someone's sexual request has given her the ick. It's also perfectly reasonable for someone to end a relationship because they find their partner boring in bed. Sex is an acceptable deal-breaker for either partner.

It's just unfortunate that we only tend to discover sexual incompatibility when we actually sleep with someone. I guess the answer would be to have conversations about what is/isn't a turn-on for each partner before actually doing the deed... but that's not always easy and I can see why people aren't always comfortable with discussing that kind of thing in messages that can be screenshotted etc.

Sorry to sidestep slightly but it’s a myth that too much wanking causes ED. It’s likely poor lifestyle choices (too much alcohol, poor diet et cetera), psychological factors or an underling health condition.

With regards to porn though, some can be educational (there’s studies that will back this up) BUT the issue is that some men will get a distorted view of what’s acceptable / wanted / expected. They see a women ‘enjoying’ herself and then jump to the conclusion that’s what all women want or / and is normal behaviour. Some can also think they have to perform to an often unobtainable level, and then get affected when they can’t.

What needs to be encouraged is for men and women to have open conversations about what they want and be respectful of each other, and not putting pressure on them to do something they are uncomfortable with,

I expect (and want) my partner to tell me what she wants and to tell and then help me to improve… and vice-a-versa. It’s important that we both enjoy the experience as it’s an important cornerstone of our relationship.

Why shouldnt she?

Someone's after an argument.

😂

Not at all, just think the discussion should should be about the thread title and not questioning whether the op is allowed to post in the first place.

The irony of your comment!

I won't reply again as its derailing the thread

I didn't question whether the OP should post. You've got the wrong poster.