DH wants to leave UK

[hnwis]

We've been married 20 yrs & as kids become grown up I always thought we’d want the same things in later life. It seems not. He’s adamant he wants out of this country- largely because has his own biz which has taken a battering since covid & he’s convinced this country is over, not just economically but socially too… now I wouldn’t mind a couple of months a year away, but he wants to move a long way away, forever! He’s serious. And it seems he is not bothered enough about what I may want to hold him back! I get it. We all have one life. But I thought ours was together. Now I’m
not so sure & feel like we’re just treading water until he can make his dream come true. It’s fair to say our relationship isn’t perfect.. but it’s not awful, just a typical 20 yr marriage I think, we have both changed a lot since we fell in love & bought up a family. I don’t think it’s a mid life crisis as such beyond the fact he doesn’t want to ‘settle’ in life.. Has anyone been in a similar situation? He doesn’t want to compromise & live half/half.. & he knows I feel strongly about staying here for family, friends & actually I like this country!! So I can’t help but feel he’s making a decision about our marriage here by being so adamant.

What do the kids want?

Op you need more information like, how far does he want to go, is he hoping to sell property to unable him to live aboard,

Can you agree but on the basis that you can pop home as and when you want too and if you want to come home for 6 weeks 2 months that should be OK too but you need to keep the home going here,

Basically it can work if he agrees to Europe or close enough for you to pop home,

Do you need residence as Europe is 90 days only, what's he planning for long term,

It's OK to ask these questions but also he has to understand that you also may need to come home every now and again,

This all depends on finance's op and getting residency which is in most places now, health insurance too, as residents you need different types of health insurance and you need to show proof of income,

Let's hope he has done his homework op,

Will you be allowed to stay and work in the country he wants to go to? It is not that simple in many countries.

If your children are grown up and leaving home, it sounds like the perfect time to get yourself something better than a marriage where the nicest thing you have to say is that it's "not awful".

I’m inclined to agree…

Moving abroad is no joke. Just take finances... In Portugal, for example, they have high tax rates and sometimes even higher social security contributions, especially for self-employed. They also charge you capital gains tax on the sale of your primary residence. Other countries too have higher taxes than the UK and don't have the savings incentives that we have here for pension contributions, ISAs etc.

Other countries are also often less transparent about how things are done, so you can't work it out online and have to pay for advice from people who all give you a different story depending who you ask.

It can also be difficult returning to the UK because of the property market.

Is he considering a country he knows well, speaks the language, and so on? Or just imagining an idyll where life will be easier? There's so much on social media nowadays painting that picture, but the reality is often rather different.

It sounds as though you're at a crossroads OP, and if you're inclined to stay in the UK I'd follow your own preference.

Where is he thinking of going, does he speak other languages, what would he work as, does he need to work, has he got dual citizenship somewhere?

What rough ages are you and your DC?

How are you each set up regarding paid work and pension?

Asking because these things seem relevant to whether DH’s idea is outlandish or feasible (should you both wish to do it).

For example, if you’re both mid 40s, want to retire early 60s but don’t yet have adequate pension pots, moving overseas doesn’t even seem feasible unless there are highly paid work options for at least one of you.

This.Let him leave and build a new life. It is fine. He doesnt work for this part of your life.

I was going to say a friend of kine was in a position where her dh got a job offer at the other side of the world. She was upset and didnt want to go but agreed to give it a try. She loves it, says she wouldnt return to the UK and rarely even visits.

Where does he want to go? Is it even realistic?

I think you're selling yourself short with this idea of 'typical 20 year marriage'
I've been married nearly that long and we're still very happy, it's not like some automatic downgrade happens

If you're not that happy with him, let him go. He sounds miserable to live with.

We’re early 50s. Couple more years of supporting teens thru higher education to go. In an ideal world, he rebuild his biz, sells it & heads off to the Caribbean where he can ‘dabble’ (he’s in property) but basically wants to downsize life to its simplest non materialistic form. We have a decent sized property we could sell up.. minimal pensions tbh. I don’t want this for my old age. I love country walks & it’s too bloody hot in the Caribbean!! I’m a lot more social than him. I want to spend my autumn years connecting with them. I do wonder if some of the ‘dream’ is a reaction to the pressure he’s been under & I understand that, but he’s a smart, sensible & very pragmatic guy, he would meticulously research where to go & all the pros & cons first. He says the idea of spending the next 20 years in this country fills him with dread. I just don’t think it’s that bad?!

Easy:
Leave it to him to do all the research and reject all of his suggestions. You dont have to actively oppose him, just leave all the work to him and stick a spanner in the works whenever you get an opportunity.

There’s no compromise in there on the face of it. What if something happens to one of you? The other will be left alone, no support network goodness knows where.
All other variables considered too I’m with you OP. Would be a big nope from me too. Doesn’t seem very fair he’d take away your financial stability to indulge in his dream. Huge risk. Wherever you go, there you are. Oscar Wilde used to say there are two tragedies in life, the first is not getting what you want and the second is getting it.
Is he the type who’d screw you if you got divorced (sees what’s both of yours as his I mean?). If so get some advice now. Not easy to enforce court orders if he moves abroad. Also if he’s that way inclined, could be he is already squirrelling money away.

Don't blame him. Country is fucked and he knows it.

@RedRock41no he’s a really decent guy. He’d look after me but ultimately not put what I want before what he wants at this stage of life, which I half respect him for & half hate him for!

So you throw your marriage away in response?!

‘wants to downsize life to its simplest non materialistic form’. If that means living off the money from your home that’s unrealistic, eg both your pensions aren’t good, average life expectancy is long, but average healthy years isn’t as long.

Also doesn’t align with his business being in property - the definition of materialistic - and wanting to continue to ‘dabble’ in that.

He can work to rebuild the business or seek alternative work to maximise funds for whatever you decide together or separately.

@hnwisHes running away isn’t he? Doesn’t care to see dc or any friends. So he’s utterly self centred I’m afraid. Me, I would never leave my dc. He’s got years to be successful too. He needs to think where the business went wrong and put it right. There’s still a good living to be made here if you get it right.

If he’s serious, I’d sell up and let him have a share. I’m very sorry but he doesn’t care for you or your family. He’s just daydreaming and selfish.

He just wants out before the shit really hits the fan, he sound scared. Maybe he has an anxiety issue that a doctor could help with.

Agree with this. It’s an absolute joke and only getting worse.
I am currently discussing with my husband a move abroad because we don’t want our children to grow up in this country given the state of it. The news only tells you the minimum. It really is fucked . Big time .

Where's better? 🤔

Depends what sort of lifestyle he wants. But the quandary over that question is probably only what's keeping millions of us still here because there's language or skill barriers to simply just moving to most countries. And the way people can come here from other countries and get given everything, that just doesn't work the other way.

I wouldn't know where to go.

All you can do is be honest and say you want a life in this country and that’s more important than preserving the marriage.

It's definitely a time of life where you want to make sure you get the best out of what's left, and sadly it sounds as though that looks very different for each of you.

I don't blame you for not wanting to lose close contact with all your UK connections, and I'm with you on heat! Intensely hot weather is so debilitating...

Hmmm. Caribbean vs UK? No contest!!