DH wants to leave UK

[hnwis]

We've been married 20 yrs & as kids become grown up I always thought we’d want the same things in later life. It seems not. He’s adamant he wants out of this country- largely because has his own biz which has taken a battering since covid & he’s convinced this country is over, not just economically but socially too… now I wouldn’t mind a couple of months a year away, but he wants to move a long way away, forever! He’s serious. And it seems he is not bothered enough about what I may want to hold him back! I get it. We all have one life. But I thought ours was together. Now I’m
not so sure & feel like we’re just treading water until he can make his dream come true. It’s fair to say our relationship isn’t perfect.. but it’s not awful, just a typical 20 yr marriage I think, we have both changed a lot since we fell in love & bought up a family. I don’t think it’s a mid life crisis as such beyond the fact he doesn’t want to ‘settle’ in life.. Has anyone been in a similar situation? He doesn’t want to compromise & live half/half.. & he knows I feel strongly about staying here for family, friends & actually I like this country!! So I can’t help but feel he’s making a decision about our marriage here by being so adamant.

He’s right though isn’t he.
Perhaps you need to start thinking on another level.

How would he move out there and set up a business though, is he originally from the Caribbean? And what bit of the Caribbean, its a huge and diverse area.

The problem is when you talk of compromise, what would the compromise be, because you either go or dont go, neither of you are able to meet half way (unless literally!!), you want to stay and he doesnt, what would the compromise be?

We have 4 adult dc. 19 year old is still at home.

The other 3 would be gutted if we went abroad. We see and text them all the time and look after gdc.

l wouldn’t go for love nor money. My adult dc are more important. And they’ve moved on and out of our house until the age of 29. We’ve had to help them through break ups, employment issues and everything.

🤦🏾‍♀️

@hnwis , is he from the Caribbean or is he moving to a country that allows him, as a foreigner, to purchase property?

You say he is meticulous, so he's probably already checked all this out- taxes, legal red tape, area he wishes to live in, etc...

Is there any room for him to keep the house here and sell the UK business to start his foreign ventures, then you don't have to move with him, and he has a base for his planned returns? I see so many people run off to the Caribbean dream, pick up a spanner and get stuck as they to rely in others giving them a place to stay when they come back.

It reminds of this story

bemorewithless.com/the-story-of-the-mexican-fisherman/

I would meticulously plan to go.
I'd plan to keep a home in UK and afford a rental until I could afford to purchase else where.
I would factor in a visit back each year.
You could go back for a month.
Also kids would visit you.
I would focus on creation and maintaining wealth so to allow options.

I think as Brits we get very complacent about the country we live in. The Caribbean is a very different place and will be hard without a lot of money.

A friend of my DH sold up and moved to Thailand. He was all happy and telling us how great it was, how he lived like a king for very little money, until it wasn’t, and by that time he didn’t have enough money to move back. He left the uk by selling a business and a lovely detached house in the country, to return with no business, and is living in poor area with little, to no disposable income, but even that was better than Thailand.

in your shoes op, I’d start making plans to go solo in the uk, but also be prepared for the love bombing in a few years when he realises that that glitters isn’t gold.

Sounds like a late midlife crisis, a big adventure and change before it's too late.

But how realistic is it? Could you leave your young adult kids like that?

I have three dcs from early to late twenties and honestly, life is tricky at this stage. Two are in university so I know the challenges they have coming up post grad.

My eldest struggled for a few years both financially and existentiallly for want of a better word and I'm expecting similar for my other dcs once they finish university.

I know this might be down to their chosen fields, arts rather than finance or anything lucrative, so that might be different for your DCs.

Match your DH's energy. He's chasing his own dream regardless and not considering the marriage. As hard as that is, it says a lot.

@DweetfidiloveA business making no money isn’t worth anything. He’s running away from the effort needed to run it here. Running something in the Caribbean would be 100 times harder though so this is more about getting equity out and living a simple life doing very little. It’s not a great plan and very selfish - like many men.

He could go and buy his shack but if I was the op I’d not be selling up to facilitate this and leaving family behind.

@hnwis is there any prospect of compromise from him or is he adamant he won’t stay in the UK for any length of time? I’m also wondering if, should business pick up, he might change his mind (ie this is all work pressure and ‘talking about it bs actually doing it’ is very different).

It’s really not about immigrants doing Sterling work, it’s estimated the population today in the uk is 69.55 million, surely you can see the uk is massively overpopulated and it’s just going to keep on increasing.

I personally will be moving abroad once the kids are grown. My DH knows this and he wants to do it too, but he may change his mind and if he does it will be a deal breaker for me. I think its ok to want different things and part if they are not aligned . There are compromises though like splitting time between countries. I think you have to discuss it in a lot of depth over the next two years.

Some bits may be overly populated but overall it really isn't.

The UK won't function at all without immigration.

What exactly does he dislike about this country, OP? And are you sure he's not running away from debts/a failed business?

You seem really angry about people leaving the UK.

@REDB99

You're not wrong at all. The OP says he was working to bring the business back to profitability, which would be the best outcome, given he's about to mess up her life / future.

'some bits maybe overly populated but overall it really isn’t’🙄That doesn’t make any sense at all.
This is about illegal immigration, the uk isn’t coping with illegal immigration.
Of course the uk would function without it!

For those saying how terrible the UK is, possibly if you are young (without high demand skills), or are trying to raise young children, this is tough. But this is a great country to be old in. From relatively generous pensions, top up benefits for the elderly, the NHS and a network of care homes (do not dismiss this, they don’t exist in the same numbers in many parts of the world), even free bus passes. The UK is a good place to be an elderly home owner. Our politics is very elderly focussed.

There are few countries where immigrant retirees who haven’t paid into the system for years are entitled to any state help. Look up how much you’d pay for having a pacemaker fitted in your country of choice. Think about how much our system is fucked due to looking after the elderly, why would you struggle through the pain only to leave when the system suddenly would be benefitting you?!

He sounds like hes having a mid life crisis .Wants to sail off into the sunset and have a dream life .50 is a difficult time for many men .I think he sounds unsettled .I would be leaving him to it I think .I mean what if you go out there and he is still unsettled ,or you hate it and miss home ?

I’ve moved around a fair bit with my husband, mostly because of work. Wasn’t always keen on the places but he was more important to me than where. If you no longer feel that way, that probably tells you what you need to know.

Is she not allowed to have agency in her own life? I love my partner, we've been together 20 years and I actually moved to his home town (although it had benefits for me too), but if he decided to move abroad away from our family and friends he'd be going on his own.

@Dweetfidilove Well yes but not all businesses are worth much! A property (?) business that struggles to profitability is still not worth much. Unless it has a decent property portfolio to sell.

I think if there's no turning him, then tell him that you may consider it IF a property is kept in the UK for you both to come back to if you need to - sick parents, childrens' crises etc etc.

That way, you could indeed give it a go, but you'd have a property to move into should you decide that the Caribbean is not for you and you must leave him.

Very, very important to keep a property in the UK even if just a small flat or terraced house.

Where would you go? I’m just really interested in where people decide to go (I would move back to Switzerland but I simply can’t afford to). I can’t think of an alternative to the UK I would go to that has good quality of life, relatively low crime rate, political stability/decency, tolerable temperatures, language ease (if having to learn as an adult) etc. I’m not against moving I just have no idea where.

OP has dh alluded to leaving with or without you (and kids?)