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Original poster

Something isn't right - emotional affair or just friends?

1000 replies

FourAndFive · 14/08/2025 17:23

Name changed for this. It's a bit of a blur, and long, apologies in advance.

I need help and/or a slap to either wake me up to an emotional affair and huge gaslighting from my DH (47), or to help me deal with a shiny new friendship my DH of 24 years has.

He's hidden a friendship from me that has been going on for nearly a year. He has never, ever done this before, and has been a completely open book in all our years together. The last five years have been so good for us emotionally, and our relationship felt solid as far as I was concerned.

He has a hobby that he is obsessed (not lightheartedly obsessed, genuinely obsessed) with, and while doing this hobby he meets people from time to time. He would usually mention these people in passing, and I'm happy he's happy, so all good. About 6-7 weeks ago, he started to mention at funny times how he was meeting 'great people', and 'so many people to chat to' and 'I know so many people now' while he's doing his hobby and I thought yeah, great, but it was out of tone, and quite odd.

Fast forward a week or so, and he keeps name dropping and then tells me that I have to meet someone (single F28), because I'd really like her, and she does the hobby a bit more than he does, and has done it all over the world and how nice she is etc. and so I found myself meeting her for a few hours across two days, alongside some of her family members, who all knew about my DH and the shared hobby and thought how sweet it was... It was so very odd, and I couldn't put my finger on why, and I was so uncomfortable.

To cut a very long story short, it turns out they've been regularly meeting up since late last year, texting multiple times a day, including gifts and planning things around their hobby... I've since seen most of their messages. I have never seen my DH speak to anyone like he speaks to her (except me). He is a man who I know has strong moral boundaries, and keeps a safe distance from other women, doesn't encourage and is completely platonic with all of his female friends - which is clearly no longer the case! There is no 'sex' chat, and he talks about us occasionally (we have 2DC) but it's overly affectionate/mutual appreciation and excitement for finding each other - and I've hated reading them. (I asked him for phone access after all the minimising he was doing, and he said he'd deleted all messages - but he forgot to remove them from his deleted items, so I restored them. I know this is a massive red flag.)

I've told him that I need him to cut all contact with her - but he had serious meltdown (talk of CS), insists it's just friends and that I should trust him. I am finding this impossible, considering the lengths he's taken to hide her until recently. He hasn't done anything to reduce contact, and has even initiated meeting her multiple times, even though I specifically asked him not to. I know they met today for the hobby, and I know they've text each other, because he is telling me - at my request. But I shouldn't worry, because he loves me blah blah. I just want a bit of respite from it so I can get my head around his utterly bizarre behaviour, and consider everything that's happened. It's so unlike him.

I feel sick. The trust isn't there. I feel anxious all the time. I know what I should be doing, but I don't want him to be unhappy at the same time - especially if it is actually platonic. Thoughts please wise MN women! How do I navigate this shit show?

OP posts:
Original poster
FourAndFive · 15/08/2025 16:59

OchreRaven · 15/08/2025 16:50

He has done some mental gymnastics to arrive where he is. He thinks they have an innocent friendship, that you would like her and she would get on with your kids. He somehow believes he can assimilate her into your lives with no fall out or consequences. But his actions don’t align to those beliefs. He kept her a secret, deleted their messages and has made no effort to make you feel comfortable with their connection like agreeing to strong boundaries that he doesn’t cross.

He has compartmentalised this whole situation. He’s so invested in the relationship that reality doesn’t play a part. His threat to CS is evidence of how deep in denial he is. Often people become depressed and even suicidal while having an affair because lying, especially to yourself, is extremely damaging. Especially when you consider yourself a good person.

IMO there is still a chance to shock him out of this before it goes further. Lay out the reality and the choices he has in front of him. Because he does need to choose. The time for introducing a platonic friend that his family would like and accept has long gone. Her continued presence in his life will cause further trauma to you, and your kids who have no doubt picked up on all of this. I would sit him down and say something along the lines of:

‘DH at this point I am unsure of whether I can get over the betrayal of you pursing an inappropriate relationship with another woman despite the hurt you know it is causing me. Nevertheless you have a decision to make. Is your relationship with her more important to you now than our life together, our children’s happiness and mental wellbeing, our future plans, our shared experiences. Imagine your life without me, being a part time father, no more family holidays and not celebrating their milestones together. Consider halving all our assets and possessions —everything we have worked for our entire lives. Accept that we would no longer be a part of each others extended family. If that is not the worst thought you could have, if instead not seeing and talking to this woman would be worse then your decision has already be made. And you need to be honest with yourself and me that our marriage is over.

If that is how you feel, I hope for your sake this woman who is 20 years younger than you, is invested as you in your future together as you will no doubt face extreme challenges when you are in completely different stages of life — but that is for you to navigate. I don’t want an answer now. I want you to really think about it. Take the weekend and we can talk Monday. If you choose this family then you will have a lot of making up to do and will need to cut contact with her and do so in a way that you acknowledge the impact on your marriage. And I will need therapy to rebuild what we have already lost.’

The is SO incredibly helpful - thank you. That is it, in a nutshell, exactly how I feel and what I'd like to say to him. I will keep reading it, it is spot on.

He said once - "how has it come to this (me being upset with the level of deceit and needing him to cut contact), when all I've got is a friend I care about". I was open mouthed at the time, and I remember thinking to myself he was being utterly delusional. We wouldn't be in this position if he'd opened up in the beginning. I keep going back to that.

OP posts:
steff13 · 15/08/2025 17:03

FourAndFive · 15/08/2025 16:59

The is SO incredibly helpful - thank you. That is it, in a nutshell, exactly how I feel and what I'd like to say to him. I will keep reading it, it is spot on.

He said once - "how has it come to this (me being upset with the level of deceit and needing him to cut contact), when all I've got is a friend I care about". I was open mouthed at the time, and I remember thinking to myself he was being utterly delusional. We wouldn't be in this position if he'd opened up in the beginning. I keep going back to that.

Show quote history

He needs to ask himself that question. What stopped him from saying, "I met a nice lady today at soap carving/extreme ironing/duck herding hobby?" If she was just another person then there was no need to hide it.

Middlemarch123 · 15/08/2025 17:07

FourAndFive · 15/08/2025 16:46

No - I wouldn't be happy, because ultimately, if he was truthful in the first place we might all be in a happier place now.

I don't want him to be upset, he (seemingly) hates to see me upset and is going great lengths to 'prove' his love at the moment - except the one thing I need him to do, which is step back, cut contact and fix our marriage back to one built on mutual trust and respect.

Thank you for taking the time to post

Show quote history

Unpick this a bit, you sound a lovely genuine lady.

  1. He wasn’t truthful. He deceived you.
  2. You don’t want him to be upset. Let him be upset. He’ll survive. He needs to see and feel the consequences of his poor behaviour. He caused this. He’s an adult who made a choice. Don’t even think about jeopardising your chance of happiness by condoning or tolerating this.
  3. He hates to see you upset. He didn’t consider you previously. If he had he would have kept her at arm’s length.
  4. He’s falling over himself to prove his love to you, Is he, or is he hoping that he can convince you that he loves you so you will be okay to let his ‘friendship’ continue ? So he gets the best of both worlds. If he genuinely wanted to prove his love for you, she’d be history, he would never have any contact with her again. A hobby and friendship are zilch compared to a happy spouse.

You don’t have to do anything in a hurry, but the least he should do is temporarily move out whilst you process this. He needs to understand that he might lose you. He needs to reflect too.

It’s not easy lovely, being on your own after years of marriage. But believe me, it’s damn easier than settling for less than you deserve. Take care.

Thewookiemustgo · 15/08/2025 17:08

It’s what I said earlier, you’re playing catch up with what for them was a gradual, slow series of boundary crossings that they justified as ‘friends’ as they crossed each one. So you being shocked and hurt at finding out just isn’t computing, he doesn’t see it because he’s even convinced himself of his own justifications.
If he can’t tell you why he’s kept it from you and why his friendship with her is more important than your feelings and his marriage, he’s clearly defended his stance whilst living in an emotional affair bubble of his own slow construction and can’t see why others think it’s totally indefensible.
I’d cut down on any involved conversations and spell it out: your quasi secret close relationship with another woman is incompatible with being married to me, no matter how you try to justify it.

Mini2025 · 15/08/2025 17:16

It's really not got a good feel to it OP.

20 years younger, damsel in distress thing?

He's had his head turned. It's an emotional affair for sure.

He has to admit it. Yes it's tied to the hobby but boundaries that should not have blurred and been crossed have been.

What a twat. Sorry. It must be deeply disappointing as describe him mostly as what seems to have been a good dad and husband.

His ego has been flattered by her interest and her neediness of him. Something about her attention validated him. Male vanity? Getting older? Feeling like he needed to prove he still has 'it'?

He's been playing away from home with his heart - hopefully nothing more.

I would Google or ChatGPT emotional affairs and see what comes up. He needs to read it on cold hard paper to accept what he's done because at the moment he's in denial, isn't he? Put your original post into ChatGPT and ask it, is this an emotional affair?

Original poster
FourAndFive · 15/08/2025 17:16

Middlemarch123 · 15/08/2025 17:07

Unpick this a bit, you sound a lovely genuine lady.

  1. He wasn’t truthful. He deceived you.
  2. You don’t want him to be upset. Let him be upset. He’ll survive. He needs to see and feel the consequences of his poor behaviour. He caused this. He’s an adult who made a choice. Don’t even think about jeopardising your chance of happiness by condoning or tolerating this.
  3. He hates to see you upset. He didn’t consider you previously. If he had he would have kept her at arm’s length.
  4. He’s falling over himself to prove his love to you, Is he, or is he hoping that he can convince you that he loves you so you will be okay to let his ‘friendship’ continue ? So he gets the best of both worlds. If he genuinely wanted to prove his love for you, she’d be history, he would never have any contact with her again. A hobby and friendship are zilch compared to a happy spouse.

You don’t have to do anything in a hurry, but the least he should do is temporarily move out whilst you process this. He needs to understand that he might lose you. He needs to reflect too.

It’s not easy lovely, being on your own after years of marriage. But believe me, it’s damn easier than settling for less than you deserve. Take care.

Show quote history

Thank you so much. I think number 4 is where I'm leaning at the moment. He just wants his cake and eat it. He's hoping I'll eventually be okay with it, otherwise, as you say, it would've stopped there and then when he knew it had crossed any normal contact that he would usually live by.

I think he should move out while I get my self together. It's harder to see clearly when we're together, and I need clarity so I don't wobble again and he certainly needs to reflect.

I wont settle. Thank you x

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 15/08/2025 17:20

He doesn't hate to see you upset OP. Open your eyes.

He knows that he is choosing to do something that makes you visibly upset and yet he purposely chooses to continue doing it!

supersop60 · 15/08/2025 17:22

He hates to see you upset WITH HIM.

CJFJ1 · 15/08/2025 17:23

OP, I know I alluded to it earlier in terms of calling their bluff - having read your update and your DH's suggestion that you can go on the weekend too: I can't begin to imagine what it would be like if you were to take him / them up on that offer! I'm assuming they're trying to call your bluff in making that suggestion, i.e. "She'd never want to come along".

It's all outrageous. Again, no real advice to offer other than my sympathy.

Silverfoxlady · 15/08/2025 17:26

So let me get this straight… You ask him to stop seeing her, then ‘I want to CS’…?? Then you ask him to not go to an event overnight, and again ‘I want to CS’. This is a man-strop if I ever saw one.

He is emotionally abusing you and he is a controlling man. This is his go-to response that would stop you arguing.

What a load of bullocks, and it is a shame you are falling for it.

whyisnothingsimple · 15/08/2025 17:27

The neediness comment resonates with me. My 1st husband cheated while working away - when we were trying and failing to put our relationship of over 20 years back together he said ‘she needs me more than you do’ - he was correct so I chucked him out. Men seem to love being needed - whatever that means.

Bathingforest · 15/08/2025 17:29

He is madly in love with a young lady but locked into a marriage which he knows is good. If it was me, he would be probably out by now, as we are Southern fiery crackers. You can overcome it all. I had two marriages, the first had to go. The second was a bit better.

Jennalong · 15/08/2025 17:30

FourAndFive · 15/08/2025 17:16

Thank you so much. I think number 4 is where I'm leaning at the moment. He just wants his cake and eat it. He's hoping I'll eventually be okay with it, otherwise, as you say, it would've stopped there and then when he knew it had crossed any normal contact that he would usually live by.

I think he should move out while I get my self together. It's harder to see clearly when we're together, and I need clarity so I don't wobble again and he certainly needs to reflect.

I wont settle. Thank you x

Show quote history

Him moving out should be a real wake up call for him , but do you know where he will go ?
Also be would have more time to see her if not at home . Sadly you are really between a rock and a hard place Flowers

steff13 · 15/08/2025 17:32

Bathingforest · 15/08/2025 17:29

He is madly in love with a young lady but locked into a marriage which he knows is good. If it was me, he would be probably out by now, as we are Southern fiery crackers. You can overcome it all. I had two marriages, the first had to go. The second was a bit better.

This is an interesting point.

If he knows the marriage is good, and you are happy, and he's generally happy, and the kids are happy, he's going to be the bad guy if he blows it all up to pursue this other woman. But if he behaves intolerably to the point that OP has no choice but to leave him then he's the victim. I mean all he wanted was a friend right?

Bathingforest · 15/08/2025 17:33

CJFJ1 · 15/08/2025 17:23

OP, I know I alluded to it earlier in terms of calling their bluff - having read your update and your DH's suggestion that you can go on the weekend too: I can't begin to imagine what it would be like if you were to take him / them up on that offer! I'm assuming they're trying to call your bluff in making that suggestion, i.e. "She'd never want to come along".

It's all outrageous. Again, no real advice to offer other than my sympathy.

yes, the husband is just talking crap. He is so much in love but so ashamed of making his beloved wife the receiving end of cheating, that he does not know what else to say but complete bonkers about making himself die and come at the same time to the venue. He would drag his wife making her uncomfortable to a venue with overnight stay....which is this normal man who will say such things which even 5 years old won't say

if he has not lost his mind, he has lost his mind as we say in my part of the world towards the OW ( madly in love )

TammyJones · 15/08/2025 17:33

Many years ago , on
Mumsnet I read a very similar thread.
The couple were doing couples therapy.
The therapist was very good , and a got the complete measure of the dh, but was being very gentle with him.
At one point the wife said:
Dh , if I was doing something, that was causing you immeasurable stress, anxiety, threatening our family, our marriage, everything we have ever worked for, and you asked me to stop,, had been asking me to stop doing for over a year , what would be right action to take ?
Her Dh said , ‘that it would stop ..,.’
without missing a beat the wife said ;
’That works for me’

dapsnotplimsolls · 15/08/2025 17:35

I think he needs to agree to couples' therapy or it's over.

Bathingforest · 15/08/2025 17:38

dapsnotplimsolls · 15/08/2025 17:35

I think he needs to agree to couples' therapy or it's over.

yes because he wants to have two wives. This is the west and it does not work this way here. He needs to make a choice, fully informed and no crap talk, asap

dapsnotplimsolls · 15/08/2025 17:41

Bathingforest · 15/08/2025 17:38

yes because he wants to have two wives. This is the west and it does not work this way here. He needs to make a choice, fully informed and no crap talk, asap

Show quote history

Or he needs someone objective to tell him that he's being a twat. I doubt if he'd threaten suicide in front of a therapist.

WallaceinAnderland · 15/08/2025 17:42

Have you asked him why his life wouldn't be worth living without her?

MrsLizzieDarcy · 15/08/2025 17:45

I think I'd ask him to leave if I were in your shoes, OP. At least that way, he's got the opportunity to explore things with this woman or he's got the opportunity to explore what went wrong and how he ended up hurting you like this.

His actions will be the thing that guides you to saving or ending your marriage.

Duckswaddle · 15/08/2025 17:49

Fucking hell. Can’t actually believe what I’m reading. He threatened suicide because you’re asking him to stop seeing her…your relationship is over I’m afraid.

MsBertieBoo · 15/08/2025 17:51

Hi OP really feel for you- sounds like a horrible situation. Loads have people have given lots of great advice so I won’t add my 2 pence worth.
Wondered if you were a reader as I read this recently and lots of it chimes with your story (although obviously loads of differences)

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2020/may/08/the-motion-of-the-body-through-space-by-lionel-shriver-review-the-cult-of-fitness

might be worth a read whilst you have some time to yourself to mull things over. Sending you a massive hug xx

The Motion of the Body Through Space by Lionel Shriver review – the cult of fitness

Shriver’s contentious views on diversity thread through the story of a couple’s strained relationship with exercise

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2020/may/08/the-motion-of-the-body-through-space-by-lionel-shriver-review-the-cult-of-fitness

Middlemarch123 · 15/08/2025 17:51

Of course asking him to leave, which I think is crucial, gives him the opportunity to spend more time with her. Let him. He’s already shown from previous behaviour that he will see her when he wants. Take a big breath, accept that you can only control your actions, and do what’s best for you. If he goes to her, then you have your answer. Time to be brave. Priority is you. Focus on that.

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