Something isn't right - emotional affair or just friends?

[FourAndFive]

Name changed for this. It's a bit of a blur, and long, apologies in advance.

I need help and/or a slap to either wake me up to an emotional affair and huge gaslighting from my DH (47), or to help me deal with a shiny new friendship my DH of 24 years has.

He's hidden a friendship from me that has been going on for nearly a year. He has never, ever done this before, and has been a completely open book in all our years together. The last five years have been so good for us emotionally, and our relationship felt solid as far as I was concerned.

He has a hobby that he is obsessed (not lightheartedly obsessed, genuinely obsessed) with, and while doing this hobby he meets people from time to time. He would usually mention these people in passing, and I'm happy he's happy, so all good. About 6-7 weeks ago, he started to mention at funny times how he was meeting 'great people', and 'so many people to chat to' and 'I know so many people now' while he's doing his hobby and I thought yeah, great, but it was out of tone, and quite odd.

Fast forward a week or so, and he keeps name dropping and then tells me that I have to meet someone (single F28), because I'd really like her, and she does the hobby a bit more than he does, and has done it all over the world and how nice she is etc. and so I found myself meeting her for a few hours across two days, alongside some of her family members, who all knew about my DH and the shared hobby and thought how sweet it was... It was so very odd, and I couldn't put my finger on why, and I was so uncomfortable.

To cut a very long story short, it turns out they've been regularly meeting up since late last year, texting multiple times a day, including gifts and planning things around their hobby... I've since seen most of their messages. I have never seen my DH speak to anyone like he speaks to her (except me). He is a man who I know has strong moral boundaries, and keeps a safe distance from other women, doesn't encourage and is completely platonic with all of his female friends - which is clearly no longer the case! There is no 'sex' chat, and he talks about us occasionally (we have 2DC) but it's overly affectionate/mutual appreciation and excitement for finding each other - and I've hated reading them. (I asked him for phone access after all the minimising he was doing, and he said he'd deleted all messages - but he forgot to remove them from his deleted items, so I restored them. I know this is a massive red flag.)

I've told him that I need him to cut all contact with her - but he had serious meltdown (talk of CS), insists it's just friends and that I should trust him. I am finding this impossible, considering the lengths he's taken to hide her until recently. He hasn't done anything to reduce contact, and has even initiated meeting her multiple times, even though I specifically asked him not to. I know they met today for the hobby, and I know they've text each other, because he is telling me - at my request. But I shouldn't worry, because he loves me blah blah. I just want a bit of respite from it so I can get my head around his utterly bizarre behaviour, and consider everything that's happened. It's so unlike him.

I feel sick. The trust isn't there. I feel anxious all the time. I know what I should be doing, but I don't want him to be unhappy at the same time - especially if it is actually platonic. Thoughts please wise MN women! How do I navigate this shit show?

I have some exceptionally close friends I’ve known since my schooldays. If there was a reason I couldn’t see them again, I would be very upset, but it would never make me claim to be suicidal. Something more is going on here!

Being the bad guy to her? What about to you?

Is he deluded? Does he really think she won't be able to struggle on without him?

I am going to CS, there is no point going on - "I am taking everything away from him that I love".

It's right there OP ❤

But he is prepared to be the bad guy to you. Honestly OP this just isn't right or fair on you. I would walk away.

A suicide threat is a psychiatric emergency. It is either serious, like life threateningly serious, in which case he needs immediate psychiatric evaluation and possibly admission, or it was used to manipulate you.

Is he seeing a mental health professional? He needs to. You have to make this a condition of staying married. A life threatening serious mental health issue can't go untreated.

If he was using it to manipulate you, he's showing you staying connected to this woman has more importance than anything to him. It's also a sign of instability.

I'm thinking this woman thinks he's an older close friend. I would think seriously about contacting her and giving her a heads up about his obsession and suicide threat over not seeing her. I would want to know if it was me because obsession could possibly lead to things like stalking and he could be a danger to her. No woman should have to go through that.

Yes, madly. Always have been.

I think what would upset me most is how upset he got about missing the overnight stay where she would be attending and possibly God knows what plans he’s made in his head or with her.

It’s a midlife crisis for sure but I wouldn’t assume infidelity. Given the age gap and the fact she met you it would be pretty weird and devious if the other woman was interested in him. She probably doesn’t realise how much of a problem she is. The wife of an older man friend warned me off once, fairly subtle but unmistakeable, when I was about the same age. I was aghast and never saw either of them again but I was grateful she said something. I didn’t want to be involved in all THAT! I would say something to her if I was you. Get that dealt with.

He however is another thing. I didn’t understand what you meant by CS at first but that needs to be dealt with. The NHS has mental health crisis stuff on their site, you could put something in front of him and ask if he needs that kind of support. If not, and he was just manipulating you, that is unacceptable and you need to throw a bucket of cold water over him. Tell him to shape up before he loses all his dignity. Give it a few months, see if you think you can ever fancy him or respect him again. Make decisions then.

She is, by all accounts, better than he is...

So sorry. Wouldn’t be quite as bad as you were just rubbing along. I would change my mind on agreeing to let him go to the over night and insurance book marriage counselling asap.

So sorry you’re going through this OP. Like others have said, threatening to commit suicide if you stop him from seeing her (even though you have no issues with him continuing the hobby more generally) would be the deal breaker for me. It shows you very clearly where his priorities lie. The fact that he hid it from you for so long indicates that he felt he was doing something morally wrong, and implies he has plans beyond friendship. I feel that the secrecy is enough for your request to stop contact is fair.

Regardless of whether anything has actually happened between them or not (I’m more suspicious about this than other posters here, especially given the planned overnight stay), do you want to be married to someone who doesn’t make you and your feelings a priority?

Really hope everything works out well for you 💕

Honestly, here you say you are telling your wife of over 20 years that you’d commit suicide rather than give up this relatively new friendship, that is so important to you you’ve lied repeatedly to me for a year now. That is far too important for a married man-it’s not coincidence she’s young and female. I don’t want you to commit suicide but you even suggesting it shows you’re either seriously unbalanced and need immediate mental health support or you have moved on from the marriage. If it’s a I’ll support you, I love you and will be at your side through illness. If it’s b then I won’t plead for you to stay, I have too much dignity and I don’t owe a man who’s already decided someone else is more important. Please take a week to decide.

Yikes!! 🚩 🚩🚩🚩

Sorry you’re going through this, I’ve recently had something similar.

The same themes keep cropping up when men do this - damsel in distress, trying to help her, the statements of ‘you’d love her, you have so much in common’ and ‘it’s just so nice to have a friend’, then refusing to ‘be the bad guy’. Always having to have this OW perceive them as such a good guy/protector. The classic ‘oh you think she’s pretty? I hadn’t noticed/not my type/she’s too young to think of like that’

In my case I put the absolutely no contact boundary in place and he said ‘he doesn’t want to be rude’. I’m having a very difficult pregnancy (partly because of this) and he’s happy to risk mine and our baby’s health rather than be rude to her. It’s been left mostly unresolved due to the pregnancy except that he has deleted the only platform they communicated on regularly (yes I check the others, I’m pregnant, my hormones wouldn’t let me not).

Threatening suicide is bizarre in the extreme and I wouldn’t dismiss her intentions too quickly, having ‘mentionitis’ about him to her family is a huge red flag for me.

If, when my baby is safely out and I’m recovered, this crops up again (my instincts say it will) I will talk directly to the OW. It will either make her back off because she is innocent or it will force them both to show their hands. It will also thoroughly embarrass my husband which he thoroughly deserves.

I think you should do the same, it might shame him into realising what a fool he is. He clearly too far into his infatuation to see for himself.

Just be wary that there is a chance that he will use his shame and embarrassment to make himself out to be a victim and she’ll be his shoulder to cry on, he can then maintain his good guy image to her too.

Agree!

100% - I know it's easier said than done, but this is what ultimately needs to be said to him.

He would rather die than stop seeing her.

Surely that is all you need to know?

about 6/7 years.

The last one. That he will completely change how he interacts with her. He hasn't so far, and hasn't changed in the slightest - which speaks volumes, doesn't it?

Thank you so much for this. It's really helping me, honestly. So much of this is how I feel, and what I think comes next.

I don't feel jealous and have never had to feel jealous. I feel deceived, scared, angry, furious, sad - confused - amongst many other things.

He's never found anyone who is into it as much as him, if not more. He says that's all they have in common. It isn't, the messages prove it. Their paths would never have crossed otherwise.

I can't compete with their level and I wouldn't want to just to feel included - that's a fools game.

Believe me, I am trying really, really hard to hold onto the 'just friends' angle. My instinct paired with seeing how he communicates with her, and continues to do so? No. Just no.

Perhaps she comes on MN and reads about how men and women can be just friends and how this person and that persons DH would NEVER cheat and how NAMALT, and its given her a false impression of the motives of men. Perhaps she believes that its the fault of the OW if a man gets the wrong idea, and thinks that as long as she keeps things platonic all will be well. These seem to be prevailing ideas, so you could understand a woman buying into them.

I am so sorry you're having to deal with this, especially while pregnant! Sending love.

I've had pretty much that whole script from him. And, after all the years of being on Mumsnet, I am so completely aware of all of that. Sickening really - but I guess that's what they all say, isn't it. Human nature/cake and eat it!

I hope baby arrives safely, is healthy and you get what you need from your shit show.x

Hi op sorry this is happening to you if he’s threatening suicide this female means a hell of a lot to him possibly more than you. No one I know would consider this over a friend if he won’t break contact with her he’s already in love with her. Even if it’s not mutual if you want to stay with him can you attend every meeting with them. If not your going to crazy because he’s choosing her over you already. It’s a difficult situation to be in. I don’t think counselling will help as he needs to admit to you he loves her he is trying hard to convince you he’s not but he is already there and now you need to decide if you want to be the other woman in your relationship.

Very lucid. And your take..