Ex wife acting like she still owns DP

[Girlgoingroundthebend]

TL;DR: ex wife still acts like my DP is her husband and bff and wont let me forget he married her first and his family were hers first. My DP doesnt want this and is low contact and just ignores her bar coparenting. I can't ignore it, its driving me insane and causing friction between me and DP. How do I just let it go and not care about her behavior?

Sorry its long, just want to give context and not drip feed.

Just after some advice on how to deal with this behaviour in my own head and just let it not bother me if anyone has been in a similar situation.

Been with my DP for 4 years. One DC each between us, similar age mid teens. DP has his DC every weekend. Sometimes at his place, sometimes at mine. All cool, we all get on great. Chats to his DC every weekday night on the phone.

DPs exW is an ok person, doesnt create overt drama and they split on amicable terms and co parent well. We're civil but shes not someone I'd want to be buddies with as we're very different types of people. However, she has always had to be the main event, centre of attention and despite her being in her own new relationship for the last two years and gushing on social media at every opportunity how wonderful her DP is, she has always acted super propriatorial about my DP and acts like hes still part of her close family unit of three; her, DP's DC and him.
If he responds to messages about DC it opens the flodgates to her having a paragraphs long (one way)text chat about her life and sometimes pressing him for details on his. He has gone low contact and just gives a brief acknowledgement to messages now or ignores ones that are not related to DC unless something absolutely requires more input to try and minimise the communication.

He doesnt want her to be this familiar with him anymore and wants to move on with our life together. It drives him nuts that she keeps behaving as if hes still her husband but he just lets it go over the top of his head and ignored her but she never takes the hint. He wont confront her unless it gets absolutely necessary as he doesnt want bad feelings for the coparenting relationship (eg first year of our relationship she'd fill his facebook feed with family memories until he told her in no uncertain terms to stop.)

I'm having a harder time just letting it go. It really grinds my gears and makes me so cross and its now causing friction between me and DP.
She likes to subtly ensure I get reminded he was hers first and still belongs to her and their DC. Eg When shes around me (occasional DC drop off) she ramps up the territory marking - making sideways comments reminding me that she was married to Fred first and implying that hes still a family with her and cares about them more.

Or another time we were all at a wider family meal a while back (DPs indirect family organised, invited exW and it was one we didnt want to duck out of as family there we'd not seen for a long time). She spent the whole time trying to make in-references to when Fred and her were together, reminding people about the year they got married- you get the idea. My DP was getting more and more annoyed and I was biting back sarcastic comments.

Recently when DP calls his DC the exW is in the room and anything he asks his DC, exW answers instead and tries to turn the conversation into a 'friendly chat' between her and DP. If he tries to actively engage his DC, the exW doesnt get the hint.
This behaviour is frustrating him but its driving me insane as it makes me feel like shes trying to reestablish a close personal relationship with DP, with me as the third wheel in this relationship. DP says that we've done all we can to stop her being like it but we cant control what she does - yup, agree. But it makes me feel he belongs to her and I'm just the outlier. Knowing her and what shes like I think thats what she wants. I've explained this to DP and he tries so hard to show me that we are the team together and that he is not engagingin her nonsense. Its upsetting him that I'm getting annoyed by it and thats causing friction with us. But she just wont wind her neck in and back off no matter what you say or do. Its like she needs to feel shes still number 1 in his mind.

We dont want to be nasty and create unpleasant feelings by being abrupt or confrontational about it all as we want to keep the amicable co parenting.

I know I need to just ignore her as we cant control how she behaves and I need to let it wash over me like DP does and I know in my head that DP doesnt want to be part of her inner circle anymore. He reassures me all the time and his acrions match this. But everytime she does something to try and mark 'her territory' it really boils my p*.
How do I learn to just let it go and ignore her antics so we can have a calm family life?

Sorry, just re read and the references to Fred is just where I was going to use that instead of DP as less confusing if explaining my DP, her exDP 🤦‍♀️

Take a leaf out of your partner’s book and stop making your insecurities, his problem.
You totally can control your reaction to his Ex just like she can control her behaviour towards you and and your 6DP, you're both choosing not to. The second you start pointing fingers is the second you abdicate your responsibilities.

Heck I never contacted my ex after dc started secondary school!!
Block her on sm. Stop looking!

Well first off I think you need to block her on all yours and his social media - he doesn't need to be Facebook friends with his ex, even if they have a shared child.
He should also remind his family that she is his ex wife and doesn't need to attend their extended family functions anymore.
Don't let her in your house, get dp to text his child directly (this is a problem which will diminish as his child gets older and there's no need for her to be part of any communications.
Really this is largely an 'ignore' situation. DP shouldn't be responding to any of her conversational chats, just keeping communication to pick up/drop off times and information regarding their child. He should completely ignore any proving for information and ask his family not to ever discuss you and him with her.

You don't own him either. It's not a pissing contest, grow up and enjoy what you have now before you ruin it with jealousy.

It's hard to know but it sounds from what you've said that she is just being friendly? Some people do stay friendly with their exes (I have) without having any designs on them. Either way, you are definitely letting her live rent free in your head. Your dh is not remotely interested in getting back with her so why on earth are you giving the power? It's not even as though you have small dc, so interaction must be fairly minimal.

Honestly, OP, carry on like this and you will wreck your relationship. Far more than his ex ever could.

It’s for your partner to put boundaries in place with his ex. For the sake of DC and their ongoing relationship as a family (they will always be a family even if separated).
An amicable, friendly relationship with their coparent is often what people want and in some cases works for the child. It sounds like they both just need to find the balance.

You can talk to him about how it makes you feel but you shouldn’t actively get involved. This is for him to navigate. You can walk away if it doesn’t work for you, taking on a blended family situation is really really hard.

It’s good they’re friendly and I see no issue with friendly chats.

Maybe think differently about it.

my ex h and I didn’t speak for awhile and now we are more friendly. The latter is definitely better.

They are family, they were married and they share a child. What is wrong with her making friendly conversation with him? They will be in each other’s lives forever more - birthdays, graduations, weddings etc. Obviously it won’t be like this forever, once the teen is off at uni etc they will have no need to speak often.

If she’s at a party with all of his family, it’s natural to refer to times that they were together. Those times are all she will have in common with these people. If you’re responding to things she says with sarcastic comments she’s probably picking up on your hostility and either finds it bizarre or bemusing.

Stop complaining about it to your partner. You say it annoys him, but it’s probably the ongoing discourse about it that is winding him up. There’s no need at all for you two to have friction. Vent to your friends if you need to!

Agree with PP that this is your head you need to sort out. She isn’t going to stop, albeit that as the DC get older she will have less and less reason to contact your DP at all. So you can either keep obsessing about her and let your reaction ruin your relationship, or make a conscious decision to just stop thinking about it (knowing in the back of your mind that it will all end in a few years anyway). Get off her social media, don’t read her texts to your DP, don’t listen in when he talks to her, if you find yourself at the same family events avoid her as much as you can without being horribly rude and upsetting the DC. You just need to make a conscious decision to Let It Go.

Why are you letting this get to you? It doesn’t sound like she’s being unpleasant. You sound insecure and jealous of your DP’s life before you. It’s completely normal for them to chat a bit and it’s good that they’re friendly. The only thing i can see that she’s doing wrong is jumping in too much on your DP’s conversations with his DC, but that could be friendliness and interest.

He has a history with her and that’s fine. It’s silly to be so wound up about it when she has a new partner and nobody has done anything wrong.

I don't understand why you're making a big deal of this. She's annoying but ultimately she's not doing any harm.

He picked you. That should tell you all you need to know. If he wanted to be, he’d still be married to her. But he isn’t.
And seeing you happy winds her up.
If she thinks she’s getting to you, she’ll likely get joy from this. So you one up her by rising above it. He’s welcome to go back to her any day. He neither wants to nor has.

Families don't end, they will always be family. If you realise that you'll probably be able to manage better.

What makes you think any of that is true? For all you know she ended the marriage and he didn’t want to lose her. It’s an odd assumption to make. OP might not even know the truth of that.

I’d find this difficult tbh - I wouldn’t date someone with a pre existing family unless child was over 18.

I would never put myself in these positions. The most DPs ex has ever got from me is a polite wave or phone handover. Not my monkey.

@stichintime
I totally understand this. It's that she goes out of her way to rub my nose in the fact he was her husband first (the above egs are general stuff, there's more specific, pointed things she says and does but this would be outing if I gave those egs) and that she still considers shes number 1 in his world (which hes made clear shes not but it makes no difference). There's just no need for it and I wish it didn't wind me up but it does.

I completely agree with this.

I disagree with the following statement from a different poster. "He should also remind his family that she is his ex wife and doesn't need to attend their extended family functions anymore."

The child is part of the extended family just as much as their father. Having been married into the family and being the mother of the child, they have every right to include her in family gatherings, if they wish to invite her.

I hope OP can find her way past this before it ruins her otherwise happy relationship.

She can probably tell it winds you up. Try not to let it.
Dp ex w is like this. I encourage the friendship.

She is friendly towards the father of her child, the person her child spends time with every week and speaks to every day. All they have in common is the child and a past history. I think it's great that your DP's wider family also include her sometimes. Distance yourself from her social media, dont listen in to your partner's phone calls. You are choosing to be annoyed by her, neither of you "own" him.

My DP was getting more and more annoyed and I was biting back sarcastic comments.

Oh OP. 😆 you must be making this so much fun for her.

By laying bare your insecurities like that, you’re rewarding her game. You need to rise above it and stop giving her what she wants.

Because, based on the level of effort OP says she makes and the level of effort OPDP wants, it’s the most likely scenario.

DH could switch around the time he calls DC? Maybe call them when they’re walking home from school or something?

You don’t have to see this woman or have any contact with her. You are allowing her to wind you up. You can’t control her behaviour, only your response to it.

@JustMyView13
nope. You assume wrong. Thats not the case and I am aware of the full story (not just from DP). DP ended it for various reasons. I'll not go into detail of how or why as it's not the point of the thread or what im looking for advice on here for.