Ex wife acting like she still owns DP

[Girlgoingroundthebend]

TL;DR: ex wife still acts like my DP is her husband and bff and wont let me forget he married her first and his family were hers first. My DP doesnt want this and is low contact and just ignores her bar coparenting. I can't ignore it, its driving me insane and causing friction between me and DP. How do I just let it go and not care about her behavior?

Sorry its long, just want to give context and not drip feed.

Just after some advice on how to deal with this behaviour in my own head and just let it not bother me if anyone has been in a similar situation.

Been with my DP for 4 years. One DC each between us, similar age mid teens. DP has his DC every weekend. Sometimes at his place, sometimes at mine. All cool, we all get on great. Chats to his DC every weekday night on the phone.

DPs exW is an ok person, doesnt create overt drama and they split on amicable terms and co parent well. We're civil but shes not someone I'd want to be buddies with as we're very different types of people. However, she has always had to be the main event, centre of attention and despite her being in her own new relationship for the last two years and gushing on social media at every opportunity how wonderful her DP is, she has always acted super propriatorial about my DP and acts like hes still part of her close family unit of three; her, DP's DC and him.
If he responds to messages about DC it opens the flodgates to her having a paragraphs long (one way)text chat about her life and sometimes pressing him for details on his. He has gone low contact and just gives a brief acknowledgement to messages now or ignores ones that are not related to DC unless something absolutely requires more input to try and minimise the communication.

He doesnt want her to be this familiar with him anymore and wants to move on with our life together. It drives him nuts that she keeps behaving as if hes still her husband but he just lets it go over the top of his head and ignored her but she never takes the hint. He wont confront her unless it gets absolutely necessary as he doesnt want bad feelings for the coparenting relationship (eg first year of our relationship she'd fill his facebook feed with family memories until he told her in no uncertain terms to stop.)

I'm having a harder time just letting it go. It really grinds my gears and makes me so cross and its now causing friction between me and DP.
She likes to subtly ensure I get reminded he was hers first and still belongs to her and their DC. Eg When shes around me (occasional DC drop off) she ramps up the territory marking - making sideways comments reminding me that she was married to Fred first and implying that hes still a family with her and cares about them more.

Or another time we were all at a wider family meal a while back (DPs indirect family organised, invited exW and it was one we didnt want to duck out of as family there we'd not seen for a long time). She spent the whole time trying to make in-references to when Fred and her were together, reminding people about the year they got married- you get the idea. My DP was getting more and more annoyed and I was biting back sarcastic comments.

Recently when DP calls his DC the exW is in the room and anything he asks his DC, exW answers instead and tries to turn the conversation into a 'friendly chat' between her and DP. If he tries to actively engage his DC, the exW doesnt get the hint.
This behaviour is frustrating him but its driving me insane as it makes me feel like shes trying to reestablish a close personal relationship with DP, with me as the third wheel in this relationship. DP says that we've done all we can to stop her being like it but we cant control what she does - yup, agree. But it makes me feel he belongs to her and I'm just the outlier. Knowing her and what shes like I think thats what she wants. I've explained this to DP and he tries so hard to show me that we are the team together and that he is not engagingin her nonsense. Its upsetting him that I'm getting annoyed by it and thats causing friction with us. But she just wont wind her neck in and back off no matter what you say or do. Its like she needs to feel shes still number 1 in his mind.

We dont want to be nasty and create unpleasant feelings by being abrupt or confrontational about it all as we want to keep the amicable co parenting.

I know I need to just ignore her as we cant control how she behaves and I need to let it wash over me like DP does and I know in my head that DP doesnt want to be part of her inner circle anymore. He reassures me all the time and his acrions match this. But everytime she does something to try and mark 'her territory' it really boils my p*.
How do I learn to just let it go and ignore her antics so we can have a calm family life?

@SparklyGlitterballs
re your first paragraph, they live an hour away so have to be dropped off. The first time she dropped them off and came to my house and my DP was at work, she put their bag in my front door...and then walked right in and shut the door behind her before I could say or do anything 😲 I'd not even invited her in. Thats the level of entitlement and bloody cheek I'm dealing with. Even DP couldnt believe she'd done that!

She's winning op, she is marking her territory and you are falling in line as runner up. For your own mental health you need to learn to manage how she makes you feel, ask your Dp how he manages it, or organise some therapy for yourself to learn some coping techniques. He chose not to be with her anymore, so use that to take back your power .

Maybe she wants to split you up. He might have been her first husband father of her kids etc but she is also the last wife he had and he’s choosing you all the time. I get it winds u up but she is probably doing it on purpose she’s a bitch so let her be. If she’s says stuff just say yes you’re right you were his first mistake as well and just smile at her. She cud be jealous he’s happy she never owned him in the first place even though she thought she did he’s a man with his own mind and opinions ignore her easily said than done but if it is causing issues for you both she will be happy so don’t give her the control on your feelings.

My god never say that 😂 you’ll look utterly deranged, not least because they have a child together. She’ll use it to ‘prove’ to him and his family that you aren’t of good character.

Your best bet is not to engage with any of it. Let it wash over you. It doesn’t seem like she’s going anywhere any time soon.

Literally! Some part of her enjoys making you squirm, and you're the only one who can stop that getting the better of you.

You can grey rock her, which it's unlikely you can do as she winds you up so... so go for petty.

Her: Fred was so good at blah blah blah when we were married...
You: Yes, he's a very capable and thoughtful man, isn't he 🥰...

You have tools that she can no longer use. Use them.

Well you can say it quietly in your head then but she does need shutting up smug cow I’m surprised she hasn’t said I could get him back if I wanted too. Just smile at her. This will annoy her even more.

It sounds beyond her being friendly if your DP doesn't like it either and has had to ask her to chuck some of it. The issue is that you give her what she wants every time you get frustrated.

Id just smile and nod and agree "yes, thats what attracted me to him", "i know what you mean, thats just like xyz", "relationships are a bit like cars, you always have special memories of the first don't you" and on and on.

If you do that, and he continues to give it no air she'll get bored or look daft. Its not worth getting wound up about, and its certainly not worth getting sarky back because ultimately the kids will find themselves in the middle.

I don’t see any issue with them being friendly. Surely better all round if everyone’s friendly if they’ve got shared DCs? Why not try being friendly back rather than blocking or snubbing her and trying to ring fence “your man”. It’s not a competition but you’re making it one. It’s also possible she’s trying - successfully - to wind you up if you’re “off” with her.

I think you need to have a serious word with yourself OP because at the moment the only person ruining your relationship is you.

Jesus Christ, over reaction much?! How pathetic and nasty is this? Never mind how the poor stepchild will feel seeing his mother completely ostracised on his dads girlfriends say so.
Is it because they were married, and you aren’t OP? Thats the only reason I could understand why you are so bothered,

She came through the door while dropping off her child! Into the building where her dc would be staying and talking to the woman who would be partially involved in her care. The cheek! The brazen audacity! (Sarcasm btw) She seems very reasonable - it must be very hard dropping your kids off and she of course wants to check that any adults involved in their lives are sane and kind. I am not sure you are coming across as either, OP. I think it shows strength of character that she is able to be civil and friendly to you - despite your evident hostility and petty reactions. Are you jealous? All you are doing is proving that she is the more mature, reasonable person.

You don’t live with your boyfriend, from reading your posts, so is that a cause of the jealousy - you aren’t really at the ‘partners’ stage yet but want to be? If the ex was dropping her dc at her exs girlfriends house she was already showing flexibility and trust in you - why shouldn’t she see where her dc are staying or talk to you if you are involved in their lives?

OP, you haven’t actually given any examples of anything she’s done wrong: it’s all your thoughts and projections then “you get the idea”. I actually don’t! You’ve given us nothing to go on – which makes me think a lot of this is your insecurity and jealousy rather than anything she’s actually said and done.

She talks about the times she had with Fred and their child together at an extended family event – well, yes. That’s what they have in common: their marriage and child. Most big family events revolve around rehashing the same old favourite stories and being nostalgic. She’s friendly to Fred on text and the phone – and? Better than being aggressive or difficult; sounds like they co-parent well. She came into your house when dropping off her child there – what else is she supposed to do? You’ve chosen to interpret it as an aggressive move, for some reason. As you said yourself, you’re very different people: she will have expected that it’s OK to come in because her child is staying there; you’re all a-quiver because you hadn’t issued the invitation yet (or weren’t going to – are you one of those Mumsnetters that doesn’t answer the door?): different people.

This all sounds like a you problem, not a her problem.

Also, wouldn’t you be pissed off at the family member who invited her to the party, rather than her for attending? That’s a bit weird.

@NeelyOHaraits not an overreaction to think that divorced means separate lives and minding one's own business. Thats kind of the point of it. OP's boyfriend doesn't want long chatty texts, or for her to be putting throwback happy family photos on his SM. He doesn't want the constant 'remember when' conversations. It's inappropriate.
Their child is mid teens, there's little need for extended communication under normal circumstances.

It's great if exes can be civil and get along but wanting to be over involved in things which aren't their business anymore, suggests a problem. Particularly if it's one sided.

Most posters are thinking about nice, normal people, but maybe the ex is one of those who can't stand not being the centre of everything, a complete Queen Bee type who makes everything about her - those people do exist. The upside to divorce is not having to put up with it. To me, it's not unreasonable for a woman to expect her boyfriend's ex wife to be a peripheral figure and not constantly trying to be present in his life.

I do think it's odd for her to be at extended family functions when she is now divorced,the child isn't little and needs her there and her exh has a new partner and wants low contact.

I think you're creating drama out of really basic things and then getting pissed off. So she's more friendly than your dp prefers. So what? She's not throwing her knickers at him. She walked into your house when dropping her dc there the first time. I mean, would you not? Go in and make sure your dc was OK and say bye and just be a bit friendly? The woman's done nothing wrong except sometimes refer to their shared history. And that's causing issues with your dp? Seriously?

The people who think the ex has done nothing wrong, would you really walk into the OP's home uninvited?

I just remove her from my socials and not be around at pick up and drop off, even if that means sorting the laundry upstairs or some other mundane task. I’m sure you’ll start to feel better after that. If your partner is annoyed about it he could also disconnect on socials and put strategies in place to ensure contact is as brief as possible.

Nobody else can “make you feel” anything. We choose.

I had a similar experience and actually posted on here about it and got a bit of a roasting as posters felt I was being unreasonable. I think it is difficult to explain how unpleasant it can be for an ex to be so enmeshed in your DP's life unless you have experienced it. In my case the children were all well into adulthood but the ex still acted as though she owned him and was initially over-friendly towards me but then swiftly moved to being unpleasant when I was lukewarm towards her. It was a bit more complicated as my (now ex) DP was unable to set boundaries and just went along with everything she did. I also knew her from a previous hobby of mine although I didn't realise that she was his ex until a month or so into dating him.

In the end I decided it wasn't the relationship for me as I definitely felt like the third wheel and couldn't cope with her drama and 'look at me' behaviour. I only lasted a year in the relationship and looking back, I wish I had ended it as soon as I realised who his ex was.

You need to block and ignore.

Your DP is handling it - and well by the sounds of things.

If she goes on about the year they got married then ignore (or smile sweetly and ask “how did that work out for you?!”)

Seriously though you cannot control others actions - just your reaction to it.

I agree with the other poster that you’re giving her the reaction she wants. Play the bingo game but not out loud but if you and DP both give each other a look every time she does it then you can find her amusing rather than irritating. If she’s doing it on purpose this will drive her nuts that she’s not getting a bad reaction from you rather than an amused one. And count down the time until she’s gone except for at DP children’s weddings!

I have got an ex wife like that and know just how you feel. However, it is all about your insecurities too and can cause a rift. Bite the bullet but I think your partner need to take a firmer stance with her regarding calls to his child.

No, she invited herself into my house without being asked. You ok with someone you dont know just walking into your house and making themselves at home?

Thank you. Exactly this. We both want to move forward in life and she seems to want to cling on to the 'married' mentality.