Ex wife acting like she still owns DP

[Girlgoingroundthebend]

TL;DR: ex wife still acts like my DP is her husband and bff and wont let me forget he married her first and his family were hers first. My DP doesnt want this and is low contact and just ignores her bar coparenting. I can't ignore it, its driving me insane and causing friction between me and DP. How do I just let it go and not care about her behavior?

Sorry its long, just want to give context and not drip feed.

Just after some advice on how to deal with this behaviour in my own head and just let it not bother me if anyone has been in a similar situation.

Been with my DP for 4 years. One DC each between us, similar age mid teens. DP has his DC every weekend. Sometimes at his place, sometimes at mine. All cool, we all get on great. Chats to his DC every weekday night on the phone.

DPs exW is an ok person, doesnt create overt drama and they split on amicable terms and co parent well. We're civil but shes not someone I'd want to be buddies with as we're very different types of people. However, she has always had to be the main event, centre of attention and despite her being in her own new relationship for the last two years and gushing on social media at every opportunity how wonderful her DP is, she has always acted super propriatorial about my DP and acts like hes still part of her close family unit of three; her, DP's DC and him.
If he responds to messages about DC it opens the flodgates to her having a paragraphs long (one way)text chat about her life and sometimes pressing him for details on his. He has gone low contact and just gives a brief acknowledgement to messages now or ignores ones that are not related to DC unless something absolutely requires more input to try and minimise the communication.

He doesnt want her to be this familiar with him anymore and wants to move on with our life together. It drives him nuts that she keeps behaving as if hes still her husband but he just lets it go over the top of his head and ignored her but she never takes the hint. He wont confront her unless it gets absolutely necessary as he doesnt want bad feelings for the coparenting relationship (eg first year of our relationship she'd fill his facebook feed with family memories until he told her in no uncertain terms to stop.)

I'm having a harder time just letting it go. It really grinds my gears and makes me so cross and its now causing friction between me and DP.
She likes to subtly ensure I get reminded he was hers first and still belongs to her and their DC. Eg When shes around me (occasional DC drop off) she ramps up the territory marking - making sideways comments reminding me that she was married to Fred first and implying that hes still a family with her and cares about them more.

Or another time we were all at a wider family meal a while back (DPs indirect family organised, invited exW and it was one we didnt want to duck out of as family there we'd not seen for a long time). She spent the whole time trying to make in-references to when Fred and her were together, reminding people about the year they got married- you get the idea. My DP was getting more and more annoyed and I was biting back sarcastic comments.

Recently when DP calls his DC the exW is in the room and anything he asks his DC, exW answers instead and tries to turn the conversation into a 'friendly chat' between her and DP. If he tries to actively engage his DC, the exW doesnt get the hint.
This behaviour is frustrating him but its driving me insane as it makes me feel like shes trying to reestablish a close personal relationship with DP, with me as the third wheel in this relationship. DP says that we've done all we can to stop her being like it but we cant control what she does - yup, agree. But it makes me feel he belongs to her and I'm just the outlier. Knowing her and what shes like I think thats what she wants. I've explained this to DP and he tries so hard to show me that we are the team together and that he is not engagingin her nonsense. Its upsetting him that I'm getting annoyed by it and thats causing friction with us. But she just wont wind her neck in and back off no matter what you say or do. Its like she needs to feel shes still number 1 in his mind.

We dont want to be nasty and create unpleasant feelings by being abrupt or confrontational about it all as we want to keep the amicable co parenting.

I know I need to just ignore her as we cant control how she behaves and I need to let it wash over me like DP does and I know in my head that DP doesnt want to be part of her inner circle anymore. He reassures me all the time and his acrions match this. But everytime she does something to try and mark 'her territory' it really boils my p*.
How do I learn to just let it go and ignore her antics so we can have a calm family life?

I understand where you’re coming from OP. I was in a relationship like this where my DP was part of the enmeshed dynamic and it did my head in: he and his ex seemed to want to move their relationship ever closer, closer than before. Now that he and I are broken up guess who plagues me overly much with whatsapp messages, overstepping with too much contact? Yep, him. My point being some people are just weird and don’t understand that a breakup means putting the brakes on getting closer and overly tending to the relationship.

I totally understand that this may bother you but take a deep breath. It is much better for DC that parents are friendly, than the alternative.

This may also lessen with time as the DC gets older.

Don't let this ruin your relationship.

We had all this for a couple of years when DH and I got together. Hopefully she’ll stop eventually.

I’d have invited her in so that she could see where her dc would be and feel reassured that I was a competent and reasonable person. It’s called empathy. I’d have offered her a drink too!

But the point is you would have invited her in. I would have done but I didnt get the chance to do that. She'd already walked in, shut the front door behind her and come right in to the house before I could even say hello. Im sorry but in anyones book thats just rude and presumptuous when you dont even know the person whos house it is. As you said, you wait to be invited in. I've dropped SDC off since and never been invited in and would never dream of just walking in and shutting the door behind me as if I lived there without being invited in.

@Girlgoingroundthebend Re. letting herself in, she’s literally got terrible boundaries, hasn’t she. But I think often for people like this it’s an emotional habit and not related to anything they especially intend towards specific situations. If her current dp has kids, I expect she’s already insisting on cooking all their birthday cakes, and so on. It’s a type.

implying that hes still a family with her and cares about them more.

She is the mother of his children. And doing the bulk of the parenting. She is important. Of course her, as the mother and raising his children, and his children are more important than you as his girlfriend.

In what ways did she make herself at home when she came into the house. And youve repeatedly aaid she let herself in but it seems more likely that her child let themself in and she followed. So I am curious to know, how did she made herself at home once in?

My DH's ex is similar in that she always refers to the past and in-jokes between them when we meet up. But what else can she talk about? Their history stopped when they split up. She's probably nervous and trying to make herself feel less uncomfortable.

You are letting this wind you up WAY too much. It's not a competition.

These sound like fairly isolated incidents and you aren't giving precise examples of anything terrible.

She's going to be in your life for the rest of your life: weddings, christenings, funerals - and random family gatherings (that you CHOSE to attend knowing she'd be there!). You need to find a way of managing your feelings and reaction - because you can't manage her.

Nobody owns your partner.

You can’t change how other people behave; you can only change how you react to it. Just reframe it as being ultimately good for the shared child that their parents get on. And enjoy the fact you’ve met a great partner. And don’t look at her social media.

But so what? He's with you now and isn't behaving in anyway that makes you doubt him.

You need to start laughing at her pathetic one-upmanship 🤣 to her face.

You need to tell your dp that she needs to really back off and stop being in appropriate.
He told her about the social media and she listened.
He needs to put up more boundaries and you need to take her off social media.
What is her dp like in all this

Why? shes being friendly not inappropriate. The OPs partner doesn't care enough to say anything about it.

The OP is being territorial because she wants to be known to 'own' the ex partner. Nuts.

No, not being territorial at all, or nuts. Just being annoyed that she can't let me and DP move on. Eg the most recent one, bearing in mind they've not been together for years was a social media post with a pic of just her on her on her wedding day (to my DP) saying how this week it would have been their X years anniversary and how it would always be a date they'd both remember even though they both have new lives now. (Im not a fb friend with her, it popped up in my timeline as she tags teenage DSC in it - not appropriate at all). Still think thats someone just trying to be nice and friendly? She's the one whos nuts, not me. This is what I have to deal with. Even DP said to do that shes got a screw loose.
She is also in a relationship so no idea what they would have made of that post!

Omg!! That’s crazy!!! Bunny boiler vibes.

I find your comment to be ever so dismissive of OP. It’s quite clear she’s not being territorial and that the ex partner is being wildly inappropriate and overstepping boundaries. Also I want to normalise being territorial, naturally we would be of our significant others, especially if you are married

Better than their relationship being shit.

Your partner really needs to tell her straight.
That's really inappropriate to both you and her dp that silly post.
If your dp respects you then he needs to tell her that her behaviour is disrespectful and she needs to back off.

Crazy of her to do that when she had a current partner, but in life, your can't control what other people do and the nonsense they put on social media.

It sounds like she still has a soft spot for him and hasn't fully moved on. She's making a full of herself with those posts. It's pathetic really.

Just live your life and ignore her, because you can't really do anything else.

She sounds absolutely crazy but this is Mumsnet. You're going to be told that as as a first wife she can do no wrong and that she's more important as a mother of children while you're just a jealous "girlfriend ". You're really asking on a wrong forum 😅.

Haha! Yeah I think there's a lot of bitter ex wives on here. Thing is, Im also an ex wife and have a child thats not my DPs (probably a lot of people are) and Im not bitter or crazy and dont hang on to the past! 😆

Sorry, meant on MN generally, not this specific post. There's been some very kind and helpful comments on here that do seem to get where Im coming from on this.

She's doing it to wind you up or/and (even though she's in a new relationship) not over him, she wouldn't act like this otherwise she sounds immature and not friendly or amicable at all.

I think there could be some more boundaries here. Not doing handovers together being 1 of them, you say kids are mid teens so they are old enough to walk themselves to a meeting point (close to home obviously). If he doesn't want to do that straight away he does need to have words with her about behaving respectfully towards his new wife. She wouldn't like it if you flipped it back on her and behaved disrespectfully towards her so she shouldn't get to do it to you just because she's the mum of his kids.

Yep this…op firm boundaries are needed. Seeing as the kids are teens there’s no need to drop them in the house. Your dp needs to tell her to stop all this and why is she attending family stuff totally unreasonable.