TL;DR: ex wife still acts like my DP is her husband and bff and wont let me forget he married her first and his family were hers first. My DP doesnt want this and is low contact and just ignores her bar coparenting. I can't ignore it, its driving me insane and causing friction between me and DP. How do I just let it go and not care about her behavior?
Sorry its long, just want to give context and not drip feed.
Just after some advice on how to deal with this behaviour in my own head and just let it not bother me if anyone has been in a similar situation.
Been with my DP for 4 years. One DC each between us, similar age mid teens. DP has his DC every weekend. Sometimes at his place, sometimes at mine. All cool, we all get on great. Chats to his DC every weekday night on the phone.
DPs exW is an ok person, doesnt create overt drama and they split on amicable terms and co parent well. We're civil but shes not someone I'd want to be buddies with as we're very different types of people. However, she has always had to be the main event, centre of attention and despite her being in her own new relationship for the last two years and gushing on social media at every opportunity how wonderful her DP is, she has always acted super propriatorial about my DP and acts like hes still part of her close family unit of three; her, DP's DC and him.
If he responds to messages about DC it opens the flodgates to her having a paragraphs long (one way)text chat about her life and sometimes pressing him for details on his. He has gone low contact and just gives a brief acknowledgement to messages now or ignores ones that are not related to DC unless something absolutely requires more input to try and minimise the communication.
He doesnt want her to be this familiar with him anymore and wants to move on with our life together. It drives him nuts that she keeps behaving as if hes still her husband but he just lets it go over the top of his head and ignored her but she never takes the hint. He wont confront her unless it gets absolutely necessary as he doesnt want bad feelings for the coparenting relationship (eg first year of our relationship she'd fill his facebook feed with family memories until he told her in no uncertain terms to stop.)
I'm having a harder time just letting it go. It really grinds my gears and makes me so cross and its now causing friction between me and DP.
She likes to subtly ensure I get reminded he was hers first and still belongs to her and their DC. Eg When shes around me (occasional DC drop off) she ramps up the territory marking - making sideways comments reminding me that she was married to Fred first and implying that hes still a family with her and cares about them more.
Or another time we were all at a wider family meal a while back (DPs indirect family organised, invited exW and it was one we didnt want to duck out of as family there we'd not seen for a long time). She spent the whole time trying to make in-references to when Fred and her were together, reminding people about the year they got married- you get the idea. My DP was getting more and more annoyed and I was biting back sarcastic comments.
Recently when DP calls his DC the exW is in the room and anything he asks his DC, exW answers instead and tries to turn the conversation into a 'friendly chat' between her and DP. If he tries to actively engage his DC, the exW doesnt get the hint.
This behaviour is frustrating him but its driving me insane as it makes me feel like shes trying to reestablish a close personal relationship with DP, with me as the third wheel in this relationship. DP says that we've done all we can to stop her being like it but we cant control what she does - yup, agree. But it makes me feel he belongs to her and I'm just the outlier. Knowing her and what shes like I think thats what she wants. I've explained this to DP and he tries so hard to show me that we are the team together and that he is not engagingin her nonsense. Its upsetting him that I'm getting annoyed by it and thats causing friction with us. But she just wont wind her neck in and back off no matter what you say or do. Its like she needs to feel shes still number 1 in his mind.
We dont want to be nasty and create unpleasant feelings by being abrupt or confrontational about it all as we want to keep the amicable co parenting.
I know I need to just ignore her as we cant control how she behaves and I need to let it wash over me like DP does and I know in my head that DP doesnt want to be part of her inner circle anymore. He reassures me all the time and his acrions match this. But everytime she does something to try and mark 'her territory' it really boils my p*.
How do I learn to just let it go and ignore her antics so we can have a calm family life?