Ex wife acting like she still owns DP

[Girlgoingroundthebend]

TL;DR: ex wife still acts like my DP is her husband and bff and wont let me forget he married her first and his family were hers first. My DP doesnt want this and is low contact and just ignores her bar coparenting. I can't ignore it, its driving me insane and causing friction between me and DP. How do I just let it go and not care about her behavior?

Sorry its long, just want to give context and not drip feed.

Just after some advice on how to deal with this behaviour in my own head and just let it not bother me if anyone has been in a similar situation.

Been with my DP for 4 years. One DC each between us, similar age mid teens. DP has his DC every weekend. Sometimes at his place, sometimes at mine. All cool, we all get on great. Chats to his DC every weekday night on the phone.

DPs exW is an ok person, doesnt create overt drama and they split on amicable terms and co parent well. We're civil but shes not someone I'd want to be buddies with as we're very different types of people. However, she has always had to be the main event, centre of attention and despite her being in her own new relationship for the last two years and gushing on social media at every opportunity how wonderful her DP is, she has always acted super propriatorial about my DP and acts like hes still part of her close family unit of three; her, DP's DC and him.
If he responds to messages about DC it opens the flodgates to her having a paragraphs long (one way)text chat about her life and sometimes pressing him for details on his. He has gone low contact and just gives a brief acknowledgement to messages now or ignores ones that are not related to DC unless something absolutely requires more input to try and minimise the communication.

He doesnt want her to be this familiar with him anymore and wants to move on with our life together. It drives him nuts that she keeps behaving as if hes still her husband but he just lets it go over the top of his head and ignored her but she never takes the hint. He wont confront her unless it gets absolutely necessary as he doesnt want bad feelings for the coparenting relationship (eg first year of our relationship she'd fill his facebook feed with family memories until he told her in no uncertain terms to stop.)

I'm having a harder time just letting it go. It really grinds my gears and makes me so cross and its now causing friction between me and DP.
She likes to subtly ensure I get reminded he was hers first and still belongs to her and their DC. Eg When shes around me (occasional DC drop off) she ramps up the territory marking - making sideways comments reminding me that she was married to Fred first and implying that hes still a family with her and cares about them more.

Or another time we were all at a wider family meal a while back (DPs indirect family organised, invited exW and it was one we didnt want to duck out of as family there we'd not seen for a long time). She spent the whole time trying to make in-references to when Fred and her were together, reminding people about the year they got married- you get the idea. My DP was getting more and more annoyed and I was biting back sarcastic comments.

Recently when DP calls his DC the exW is in the room and anything he asks his DC, exW answers instead and tries to turn the conversation into a 'friendly chat' between her and DP. If he tries to actively engage his DC, the exW doesnt get the hint.
This behaviour is frustrating him but its driving me insane as it makes me feel like shes trying to reestablish a close personal relationship with DP, with me as the third wheel in this relationship. DP says that we've done all we can to stop her being like it but we cant control what she does - yup, agree. But it makes me feel he belongs to her and I'm just the outlier. Knowing her and what shes like I think thats what she wants. I've explained this to DP and he tries so hard to show me that we are the team together and that he is not engagingin her nonsense. Its upsetting him that I'm getting annoyed by it and thats causing friction with us. But she just wont wind her neck in and back off no matter what you say or do. Its like she needs to feel shes still number 1 in his mind.

We dont want to be nasty and create unpleasant feelings by being abrupt or confrontational about it all as we want to keep the amicable co parenting.

I know I need to just ignore her as we cant control how she behaves and I need to let it wash over me like DP does and I know in my head that DP doesnt want to be part of her inner circle anymore. He reassures me all the time and his acrions match this. But everytime she does something to try and mark 'her territory' it really boils my p*.
How do I learn to just let it go and ignore her antics so we can have a calm family life?

You've really stressed here, in no uncertain terms, many times, that your partner isn't interested in having a close friendly relationship with her.

If you are as confident of this as you state, why would you be in conflict with him about it? What more can he do to stop her behaviour? If he has behaved as you describe, he's been astonishingly rude and unkind to the mother of his child, who is doing the best she can to have a positive co-parenting relationship with him, and he is lucky she still gives him the time of day.

But that aside, why are you angry with him, if he is behaving as you say, shutting her down etc? What do you want him to do - physically fight the poor woman?

Sorry @JustMyView13 I replied to the wrong bit of your post. The post you quoted did indeed assume wrong. Thank you for putting forward the opposite scenario as you were right to question their assumption

Im not angry at him at all. Im frustrated and cross with her for trying to make me feel Im the third wheel and trying to drive a wedge between me and my DP.
He doesnt want an overly friendly relationship with her because shes someone who you give an inch and she takes a mile at every opportunity...with everything. That was his choice to go low contact, nothing I made him do.
Hes never rude or nasty to her, just keeps his distance.

She sounds nice. You sound jealous. The fact that your dp (although maybe a boyfriend really as you don’t live together) ‘s family still include suggests that they like her too.

Still owns? She never did and nor did you.

This is all incredibly childish. Even if he were somehow catch of the century. And he sounds far from it.

I don’t really understand why you know that she’s texting him paragraphs of chatty texts or elbowing in on his calls with his DC? Are you reading his texts and listening in on his phone calls?

Sounds like you’re obsessing over this and it’s your problem. Just don’t be there for pick up or drop off, tell your ex not to mention her to you or show you messages and be somewhere else in the house when he calls his kids. If you constantly expose yourself to behaviour that winds you up, you’ll continue to get wound up. He’s dealing with it in a way he sees an appropriate and beneficial to coparenting so leave him to it!

He's handling her appropriately. You're not. You're letting your jealousy and insecurity take over.

By letting her get under your skin, you're causing friction with your partner. She's his ex, not yours. Let him handle her.

Let her make all the remarks she wants. She's trolling you and you're letting her. She's going to troll you harder the more you respond. If you let her trolling roll off your back, you can turn her into the 🤡 trying to hold on to the past.

If you don't stop bugging out over her, you're risking your relationship. I'd get really sick of my partner bitching and moaning about how my ex, who I have to coparent with, behaves.

OP perhaps you should just think instead how grateful you should be that ex wife is not spiteful and vindictive to your DP and you?. They do have a past and a child together. She could behave much worse - demanding a lot of money for DC or poisoning his mind against his father.

Of course she’s got you. Sorry but you’re easy prey.
Stop biting.
She’s got you hook, line and sinker.
So STOP biting.

The ex is not the problem you need to fix. You sound incredibly insecure - in yourself and in your relationship- and you’re putting responsibility for your feelings onto your DP, which is going to drive him away.
Work on your self-confidence and concentrate on your own relationship instead of his previous one. Once you gain personal security you’ll find it easier to overlook his ex’s behaviour, just as he does.
Meanwhile: If it bothers you hearing his ex on phone calls, don’t be in the room when he’s on the phone. If it bothers you that she’s friendly at drop-off’s, don’t be there at drop-offs. Etc. If your DP is happy to ignore his ex’s behaviour then that what you should do.

This.

You could have a partner who had a high conflict co-parenting relationship rather than someone who is friendly.

I don't think this is the relationship for you @Girlgoingroundthebend

This situation isn't going to change. She'll always be in his life one way or another.

Given that you don't live together I wonder if he chats to her when you're not together, so as far as she's concerned she's just carrying on the conversation or reciprocating his communication. I don't think he's actually as bothered as you think he is despite what you say. Some men deep down love women to be in a tug of war over them.

I think if this is making you unhappy then time to rethink and not let kids get caught in the crossfire. You don't live together, you've no shared ties.

It sounds to me like she knows exactly what she is doing. It’s a power game. She may have moved on to a new partner but doesn’t want her ex to move on as happily (assuming she is happier now- maybe not?) She still wants the role of the love of his life with you as second best.
Remind yourself that essentially she is a bit jealous of you, and you now have what she once wanted. When she goes on about old times bask inwardly in the knowledge that she is jealous of you, which is why she is trying to put you in your place. And if she can cause disagreements between the two of you she will be even happier.I bet she can see you prickle and get irritated every time she says something. She is not going to change, so the onus is on you to a) practice smiling sweetly, be pleasant to her, but avoid as much as is feasible without being too obvious. b) Stop taking it out on your partner. It’s not his fault, sounds as if he’s doing his best to manage the situation. Good luck!

If it is a power game then the OP is going to lose. She doesn't have the right mindset to deal with someone doing a power play over the long run.

This woman will be around for a very long time and already knows exactly what buttons to press. The OPs insecurity is spilling over. I do wonder if the guy is fueling it though. The ex might not be the only one playing games.

I don't think this is a situation the OP is going to be happy in long term.

You are coming at this wrong. It is just fact. Factually she married him so anything she says about their time together is probably fact. News is just information, how someone receives it is subjective to the person receiving it. A person emigrating may be very sad news for one person but a complete joy for another. You need to accept that this is the way she is and learn to deal with it better yourself.

You need to stop complaining about her to your DP. You are making her the centre of attention in your own home long after the party or event where you saw her or after a call. Try to stop talking about her for a week. Nothing, zip, nada. See how that goes.

She will be in your lives forever because she will be at her son's wedding, any children they have she is also the grandparent and will be at all events.

She is probably doing it because she knows it winds you up. He is with you now not her. Your DP is playing this the correct way, just ignore the fact that she contacts him. Don't look at her SM.

@Girlgoingroundthebend Why are you giving her so much power? Why are yo7 letting her live rent free in your head? Don’t you think it’s terribly sad that she’s putting energy into this silly game? Don’t you have better, more rewarding and wonderful things to put your energy into?

You can’t control her behaviour, but you can control your own. Just ignore her.

As previous posters have said, you are allowing her to live rent free in your head. If you dont see her as a threat, then her behaviour would go right over your head.

Please concentrate on your own life and not hers.

OP you are playing right into her hands! Your DP doesn't want more than a friendly co-parenting relationship with her so stop letting her behaviour drive a wedge between you. He is with you. He doesn't want to be with her.

Next time she starts just laugh and roll your eyes at DP as if to say 'here she goes again!' Then walk away and let him get on with it. You don't have to spend time with her, she's nothing to do with you!

Flip it over, so that instead of being angry with her, you view her antics with pity. Takes all the wind out of the drama sails. You could even find it amusing that way, make it a bingo game, because you know what lines she will use. Aw, bless, it's the Xmas of 2011 story, yet again!! Full house!

Funnily enough I actually said that to my DP the other day about the bingo thing. He said we'd have a full house in no time 😆

I know how you feel, my DP has an ex who is similar, she even went as far to say she’s more important than I am to him haha, I’ve learned to not let it bother me, I avoid her at all costs and so does DP

I’d do as @SavageTomato suggests and keep it light. As their child is mid-teens, their current level of contact will dwindle rapidly in the next few years, because your DP will presumably arrange most things directly with his child once they’re 18.

Just be breezy and wait it out,

Make more effort to avoid her. Your DPs son is a teenager and doesn't need to be handed over. If he doesn't have his own key then let him knock and, if DP isn't around to answer then stand behind the door as you let him in. No need to see or speak to the ex.

When DP is calling his DC, leave the room, or ask DP to go somewhere private so you can't hear the conversation should she join it.

On the few occasions you're at events that she may be at, if she makes comments, then just laugh. All the time she thinks she's getting under your skin she'll do it more. Alternatively, play her at her own game and have a response ready. When she says "he was mine first", say "...and then he upgraded to a better model" with a sweet little smile.