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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He doesn't want to get married after being together 12years, already engaged and my mums recent diagnosis

121 replies

Snaba88 · 12/08/2025 21:10

I have been together with my DP for over 12 years now, we have lived together for over 10years, engaged for 4 of those as well as welcoming a 5 year old and an almost 2 year old into our lives.
For the most part we are happy and have our ups and downs like most couples.

However earlier this year my mum was diagnosed with a terminal disease and has been told she has 2-5 years left to live. No form of treatment available so truly do not know how long she has. A number of times she has mentioned that if we are going to get married we better get a move on and ofcourse I would love to have her here and honour her wish and be part of the day.

My DP however has decided he no longer wants to get married and wants things to stay the way they are...am I wrong for wondering what the hell happened and why even ask me in the first place?! Was it just to keep me happy?!

I am completely lost in what to do...I would love to be married to him and share the same surname as my babies and surely the fact I said yes indicated that I wanted to be married some day?!

When I try to discuss the current situation we are in I feel like im coming up with reasons why we should do it but equally questioning why I have to justify us getting married in first the place if he truly loves me.

OP posts:
wizzywig · 12/08/2025 21:11

Oh op. You got a 'shut up' ring.

BeatrizBoniface · 12/08/2025 21:13

What did he say when you asked him why he didn't want to get married?

BCBird · 12/08/2025 21:14

Although it must be very disappointing for u OP, why would you want to get married to someone who clearly opposes it? Engaged means that marriage usually follows. Clearly this is not your partner' s interpretation.

Snaba88 · 12/08/2025 21:16

That he doesn't want thungs to change and likes it the way thinga are, also that he doesn't enjoy things like weddings with thw attention etc.

OP posts:
Nevertrustacop · 12/08/2025 21:17

Sorry, but of course it was to keep you happy. No man waits 12 years and two children to marry if he actively wants to be married. At least he has told you. I'm sorry about your mum's diagnosis. I would prioritise her, the children and yourself right now. When things have settled down, I would dump him. Tbf I would have dumped him a long time ago. But you know your situation best. Do what would make you most happy..good luck.

BeeCucumber · 12/08/2025 21:22

I’m sorry OP, but he was never going to marry you. He gave you a ring and kept you on the hook. I hope you have a full time job, a pension and own half the house.

timestressed · 12/08/2025 21:22

What is the situation of your living arrangement? Who owns what? Is he a higher earner with a decent pension?

Campingisnexttogodliness · 12/08/2025 21:25

On the other hand if your dm leaves you any money and you ltb he won't see any. .
I was divorced and my relative left me some. Exh was fuming...

BreadInCaptivity · 12/08/2025 21:26

Snaba88 · 12/08/2025 21:16

That he doesn't want thungs to change and likes it the way thinga are, also that he doesn't enjoy things like weddings with thw attention etc.

What does he think will magically change?

Why not just have a registry wedding with your children and parents only? Doesn’t have to be a big deal.

Rainbowqueeen · 12/08/2025 21:31

Well here’s the thing. If he does not want to get married then you will have to shift your focus from being a couple to prioritising yourself to make sure that you can financially support yourself now and in the future. So if you don’t work full time you need to start.

You don’t say if you own a home and how finances are set up Making sure you are in the best position possible needs to be your focus. I suspect he is currently benefiting from your free labour. If that is right then that needs to stop.

His excuses are flimsy. I’m sorry OP but he wants to be able to walk away whenever he feels like it without worrying about what happens to you. He’s not much of a partner at all and I’d be planning my future accordingly

Rhaidimiddim · 12/08/2025 21:35

Snaba88 · 12/08/2025 21:10

I have been together with my DP for over 12 years now, we have lived together for over 10years, engaged for 4 of those as well as welcoming a 5 year old and an almost 2 year old into our lives.
For the most part we are happy and have our ups and downs like most couples.

However earlier this year my mum was diagnosed with a terminal disease and has been told she has 2-5 years left to live. No form of treatment available so truly do not know how long she has. A number of times she has mentioned that if we are going to get married we better get a move on and ofcourse I would love to have her here and honour her wish and be part of the day.

My DP however has decided he no longer wants to get married and wants things to stay the way they are...am I wrong for wondering what the hell happened and why even ask me in the first place?! Was it just to keep me happy?!

I am completely lost in what to do...I would love to be married to him and share the same surname as my babies and surely the fact I said yes indicated that I wanted to be married some day?!

When I try to discuss the current situation we are in I feel like im coming up with reasons why we should do it but equally questioning why I have to justify us getting married in first the place if he truly loves me.

Let me guess. He has all the assets, you work part-time, and he doesn't want to share his wealth with you. While you alone are taking the financial hit (salary, pension, career prospects) of raising kids.

Issahotone · 12/08/2025 21:36

My DP however has decided he no longer wants to get married and wants things to stay the way they are...am I wrong for wondering what the hell happened and why even ask me in the first place?! Was it just to keep me happy?!
I am completely lost in what to do...I would love to be married to him and share the same surname as my babies and surely the fact I said yes indicated that I wanted to be married some day?

I’m sorry Op but to me he doesn’t sound fully committed. If he didn’t want a splashy wedding he could always get a registry wedding so that’s a poor excuse . It’s outrageous he thinks you were good for having his children but not marriage. Sadly that’s how a lot of men are. The only reason I could see for him not wanting to give you the security of marriage is because he has one eye on an easy exit.

This is why women who are unmarried but insist on having kids with a man anyway should at least give them their last names. If the man thinks it’s important his kids have his last name he can marry first!

The majority of the time if relationships break down, children are with their mothers for over half the time. I have a friend with 3 kids by 3 men, she’s with none of the men and the kids all lived with her, but the three of them have different surnames from each other and from her. She regrets not giving them all her name.

RandomMess · 12/08/2025 21:37

You can married for £100 in private with just 2 witnesses, if he doesn’t want a wedding being centre of attention fair enough, but not marrying you after you have born his 2 DC he’s being a total shit.

Snaba88 · 12/08/2025 21:38

I don't know what he thinks is going to change we have kids together that feels like a bigger commitment to me at this point! I am happy to do that, I just want my mum to be there, I couldn't care about the big flashy wedding or spending crazy money on one day. It just hurts that he doesn't feel the same way about marrying me as I do wanting to marry him

OP posts:
Snaba88 · 12/08/2025 21:42

I work full time but took a step back in my career to allow more time with the kids and in turn make less money but we split outgoings and we both own the house.

OP posts:
Rhaidimiddim · 12/08/2025 21:42

Snaba88 · 12/08/2025 21:38

I don't know what he thinks is going to change we have kids together that feels like a bigger commitment to me at this point! I am happy to do that, I just want my mum to be there, I couldn't care about the big flashy wedding or spending crazy money on one day. It just hurts that he doesn't feel the same way about marrying me as I do wanting to marry him

I would never forgive or forget this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/08/2025 21:45

Having kids is a commitment to the kids. A mortgage is a commitment to the bank. Marriage is the legal commitment to each other.

If he won’t marry you tell him you want to change their surnames to match yours.

I’m so very sorry about your mum 💐

GravyBoatWars · 12/08/2025 21:45

Marriage changes the financial impacts of splitting up. That's why it's different than your current arrangement, and it's almost certainly what he's averse to.

So what is the financial situation? Did you reduce your paid employment/ limit your earnings when you had kids? Have you been building assets (savings, pension, home equity, etc) equally?

I'm sorry, but he doesn't want to get married and likely never did. It's time for you to start thinking about your security without him.

ETA: Crossposted with your updates answering some of my questions.

Motheranddaughter · 12/08/2025 21:47

Tell him to fuck off

Wallywobbles · 12/08/2025 21:51

Give him a choice

  1. Registry office and 2 witnesses or
  2. To get marriage-like protections without actually marrying, you have to recreate the legal framework piecemeal. This means using contracts, property arrangements, and legal tools to cover:
Financial security if you split • Rights to the homeParental rights & responsibilitiesNext-of-kin status in emergencies and for inheritance

1. Secure Home Ownership Rights
Joint ownership – If you buy the house together, put both names on the title and register the correct form of ownership:
Joint tenants → automatic inheritance if one dies.
Tenants in common → each owns a defined share (can be unequal); you need a will to pass your share.

Declaration of trust – A formal document that sets out who owns what share and what happens if you split

2. Define the Relationship in Law
Cohabitation agreement – A private contract between you. Covers:
How bills, mortgage, and childcare costs are split.
What happens to the home and possessions if you separate.
Any agreed spousal-style maintenance.

This needs to be drafted by a solicitor to be enforceable.

3. Parental Rights

Parental responsibility:
Mothers automatically have it.
Fathers get it if married, named on the birth certificate (after Dec 2003 in England/Wales), or via a Parental Responsibility Agreement or court order.

Without it, a father’s legal say in medical, education, and travel decisions is limited.

4. Inheritance & Next-of-Kin
Without marriage, partners don’t inherit automatically — even if you’ve lived together for decades.
You’ll need
Wills naming each other as beneficiaries and appointing guardians for children.
Possibly life insurance in trust for your partner and/or children (avoids inheritance tax if done right).
Register each other as emergency contact/next-of-kin with GP, school, and employer.

5. Pensions & Death-in-Service Benefits

Tell your pension provider you want your partner to get any lump sum or survivor’s pension.
Many schemes require a nomination form — it’s not automatic.

6. Medical Decision-Making
Consider Lasting Powers of Attorney (LPA) for:
Health & welfare – allows your partner to make medical decisions if you can’t.
Property & financial affairs – allows them to manage money if you’re incapacitated

7.Protect Against Relationship Breakdown
If you’re unmarried, there’s no legal right to maintenance for yourself (only for children).
The cohabitation agreement should cover division of assets and financial support.
For child arrangements, you’d use a Child Arrangements Order if needed.

8. Review Regularly

Revisit wills, cohabitation agreement, and nominations every few years or after major changes (new child, moving house, financial changes).

Ooodelally · 12/08/2025 21:51

Firstly, I am very sorry about your mum’s diagnosis, that is so very sad. He really is being entirely thoughtless and selfish in your particular set of circumstances and I’d have his card marked going forward. You can’t depend on him. You can’t depend on him at all.

TheaBrandt1 · 12/08/2025 21:54

Bastard. Wants it all. Please don’t tell the children have his surname 🙄

If you have compromised your earning power whatsoever for the good of the family stop. You put yourself first now. 50/50 childcare housework and drudge work. Your job is as important as his. You need to be full time. No sahm or “little job that fits round the kids” too risky and you risk an impoverished old age.

If he has decided not to support you you need to not support him right back.

BeatrizBoniface · 12/08/2025 22:01

Too late with the surname, @TheaBrandt1

BeatrizBoniface · 12/08/2025 22:03

He doesn't want to marry you. It actually won't change anything in your relationship. Having bought a house together and had two children is far more life changing. It's either that he doesn't want to share his assets or he thinks you're not his life partner.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/08/2025 22:04

Can you go back to work FT and change the children's surnames to your own?