He doesn't want to get married after being together 12years, already engaged and my mums recent diagnosis

[Snaba88]

I have been together with my DP for over 12 years now, we have lived together for over 10years, engaged for 4 of those as well as welcoming a 5 year old and an almost 2 year old into our lives.
For the most part we are happy and have our ups and downs like most couples.

However earlier this year my mum was diagnosed with a terminal disease and has been told she has 2-5 years left to live. No form of treatment available so truly do not know how long she has. A number of times she has mentioned that if we are going to get married we better get a move on and ofcourse I would love to have her here and honour her wish and be part of the day.

My DP however has decided he no longer wants to get married and wants things to stay the way they are...am I wrong for wondering what the hell happened and why even ask me in the first place?! Was it just to keep me happy?!

I am completely lost in what to do...I would love to be married to him and share the same surname as my babies and surely the fact I said yes indicated that I wanted to be married some day?!

When I try to discuss the current situation we are in I feel like im coming up with reasons why we should do it but equally questioning why I have to justify us getting married in first the place if he truly loves me.

Why did you not give your children your name?
I never understand this.

@Snaba88 sadly, this often happens when you do things back to front!!

I agree, marriage would change nothing day to day.

I see his point about weddings tbh. What about a simple registery office marriage/civil partnership to tick the legal boxes? If he won't agree to that then sadly I think it is that he doesn't want to share assets with you.

It's a big shame you gave the kids his surname. I would try and change it to yours.

Friend of mine refused to move in with a man until they were engaged with date set and wedding booked saying her parents were old fashioned. How we scoffed! Actually she had it damn right.

Agreed. This seems to be the norm now. Another win for men, yay.

(/sarcasm)

Remove the ring begin to build up your savings make sure your finances are not too intertwined ie own personal savings account own personal bank account transfer your portion of the bills to him basically protect yourself if he gets sniffy about removing the ring tell him your not getting married so your not engaged so your not wearing a ring

Yes, I agree. You're not engaged, because he doesn't want to be married. Remove the ring and start planning ahead.

Remove the ring and start living independently. It’s embarrassing otherwise after such a long time. Tell him to look up iht he will pay shed loads of that if you remain unmarried. Lots marry for that reason alone.

Yeah. I'd take the ring off or put it on my other hand. You are not actually engaged.

I got a shut up ring as well. Actually probably three of the fuckers. I married the one I most definitely should not have.

He is never marrying you so decide what you want more

I'm sorry about your mum being poorly so seriously.

wednesday morning registrar's office thing with your mum and his as witnesses, lunch in a pub afterwards.

Make sure you have all details about assets and get legal advice on the best way to make sure you will not lose out financially if he dies, is incapacitated or you split up.

This.
He led you on, has allowed you to compromise your career to raise his kids, but retains the right to walk off and take his salary and pension with him.
And now the situation with your mum has forced him to admit the deceit.
Edit to add: he is not family to you, he doesn't have your back andcdiesn't care about your finzncial secirity ornwhat you want emotionally.

I can't stand men like these, sorry dear
Just cannot stand the fucker. I would be single and working up my vineyard and keeping the money for myself but rather live with someone who gives 0 monkey about me

💯

Your biggest mistake was having children first, most men are quite happy to have a family but aren’t that interested in marriage after they have the children.

nothing changes for him, the kids have his surname and he’s happy with that.

No, absolutely not. I’d be taking the ring off and be making plans to leave. He’s strung you along for years. I couldn’t forgive that.

Also, sorry, cannot imagine having kids without a marriage. What is the point????? Just teaching my kids their mother is not worthy enough for their father to give her the respect and protection she needs because she needs these because of the very kids this man created.

As usual first post nails it......I am surprised the H. Samuel dont do a range called "Shut her up Rings" given how popular they are.

Not sure how much it means to you, but insist on double barreling the names??

There is no way to sugar coat this OP but this man has no intention and never had any intention to marry you.

He has had everything his way for 12 years (a partner, kids, you doing most of the childcare) without having to marry you and you have allowed him to do that.

There is no incentive whatsoever for him to change anything and he knows the fact that you are not married would make him leaving easier and quicker if he decided to.

He is probably assuming as well that after 12 years and 2 kids and him being the main breadwinner you are unlikely to walk out...so he holds all the cards.

Sorry OP but I would take a good look at your financial situation to make sure you can take care of yourself if needed.

Are you getting any inheritance from your mum? Don’t merge finances if you are

If you dont get married, he should be making extra contributions to you into a pension so you dont have any unequal pensions savings and struggle to support yourself in retirement.

Sorry to hear about your mum.

This.

He can have the kids with your surname as he only gave you a shut up ring and didn’t mean it.

You can change your children's surname to your own. In fact I would be onto that tomorrow.

@Snaba88but if he’s called off the engagement, surely there needs to be a conversation about where you go from here?
He may want things to stay the same, but it’s about what you want now. Are you ok for things to stay the same, or is a broken engagement relationship ending?