He doesn't want to get married after being together 12years, already engaged and my mums recent diagnosis

[Snaba88]

I have been together with my DP for over 12 years now, we have lived together for over 10years, engaged for 4 of those as well as welcoming a 5 year old and an almost 2 year old into our lives.
For the most part we are happy and have our ups and downs like most couples.

However earlier this year my mum was diagnosed with a terminal disease and has been told she has 2-5 years left to live. No form of treatment available so truly do not know how long she has. A number of times she has mentioned that if we are going to get married we better get a move on and ofcourse I would love to have her here and honour her wish and be part of the day.

My DP however has decided he no longer wants to get married and wants things to stay the way they are...am I wrong for wondering what the hell happened and why even ask me in the first place?! Was it just to keep me happy?!

I am completely lost in what to do...I would love to be married to him and share the same surname as my babies and surely the fact I said yes indicated that I wanted to be married some day?!

When I try to discuss the current situation we are in I feel like im coming up with reasons why we should do it but equally questioning why I have to justify us getting married in first the place if he truly loves me.

So you think my first and second post are making completely different points. You strongly disgree with the first point. Presumably you agree with the second point becaise, in your mind, it's making a completely different point. Or do you (coincidentally 😁) also disagree with that point as well, for completely different reasons?

FWIW Chat GPT is pretty good at English Comprehension. (Obvs, it's an LLM.) But no problem, happy to proceed on the assumption both it and I are wrong about the meaning of the two posts.

If he loved you and really cared about your feelings of course he would want to get married to ensure you and your mum had that special time to share. Life is short

I know, not think, that you made multiple things up in your haste to have a go. Nothing in my post mentioned all men, and nothing in anyone's suggested DP is engaged in domestic drudgery. You then followed that up with some more bullshitting- if you're going to make claims about what men as a whole want, that needs to be evidenced even if we leave aside that you don't know the specifics here.

It was a strange way to attempt faux condescension, really.

The benefits you listed, are actually negatives.

I don't think the reason he won't get married is anything to do with finances like everyone else. Unless he's a millionaire or very wealthy.
Your average Joe, why an average job that has a partner with an equally average job that equally own a house don't tend to have a secret panic about non existent wealth being taken.

I think he doesn't want to marry you because then he's permanently ended his options.

For example you could absolutely love your job, wake up everyday happy to go. Not have any plans or desire to leave your job. However if you were asked to sign a contract agreeing to never leave that job until retirement then you probably wouldn't sign it. No matter how much you loved that job and have no plans to leave. Agreeing to work there for the rest of your days feels unfathomable. Even if you do end up working there happily for the rest of your life. You have the knowledge in the back of mind that you're there by choice.

For some people, subconsciously marriage is like that. It feels so 'final'. Like there's no way out. Especially if you really believe in marriage so know you'd never divorce.

So I don't think he doesn't love you or is trying to scam you out of non-existent wealth or anything sinister.
I think he likely just has commitment issues. Plain and simple.

A birth certificate gives a name as for example Ryan (no surname) and mother Rosie Wilkinson, father Carl Varley. You can pick any surname from that surely?

If the parents were married it'd say mother Rosie Varley formerly Wilkinson and father Carl Varley. Both parents with same surname so no doubt about the child's.

Honestly I don't think I have it in me tO brow beat someone to marry me, it would just take any 'specialness' away if I felt I had to drag him up the aisle.
If it were me, I'd never mention it again but I would think of the relationship differently after that.

Exactly it’s hardly the romantic dream is it? With partner for 12 years then nagging him to finally marry you. Hardly Darcy and Elizabeth territory.

You are wrong eagles. Most men benefit enormously from having a domestic set up largely facilitated by a woman. They want children of their own - even if they are rubbish dads. Particularly as they get older men rely massively on their wives. I often see clients who are absolutely devastated if their wives die first and often remarry promptly.

Sorry he has messed you about OP
but he doesn’t want to marry and probably never did. He was hoping the engineer tiring would be enough.

as someone said earlier hes happy enough with you but ultimately he thinks there’s potential for better/more/the one to at isn’t you. You are enough for right now.

I would be fuming and forcing him to have a proper and truthful conversation

Most men benefit enormously from having a domestic set up largely facilitated by a woman. They want children of their own

Well, if this guy regards domesticity, losing a a massive chunk of joint income and children as benefits, then the OP should have made marriage a condition of those things happening.

The fact she didn't makes me suspect he didn't regard those things as beneficial which is certainly consistent with my experience IRL and consistent with endless threads on MN featuring women who want those three things and men reluctant to provide them.

What about a civil partnership instead?
Only difference to marriage being that you don't automatically inherit persons assets ie share of house, it has to be left in the will otherwise you have the same rights as
marriage.

You have to think ahead to when you're older as you need to think about pension and inheritance tax. You are at a great disadvantage if you're not married or in a civil partnership.

Channelling you are totally wrong CP is the same legally as marriage you would inherit under the intestacy rules as a civil
partner.

Interesting that you dont try and explain why this is. But then you don't seem to do very well at fleshing out arguments with things other than outright invention, so perhaps it's beyond your ability.

I don't have to explain why a lower joint income is a negative, do I?

As for why men are typically far less keen on domesticity and children, I've no idea if it's ever been explained. I put it down to biology, but that's purely a guess.

Certainly women gravitate in large numbers to mumsnet and men gravitate in large numbers to "hobby" forums like pistonheads. That isn't coincidence, we're different. Men find domesticity tedious and are often luke warm about children at best.

You can’t ’make’ someone want to marry you.
Your DP simply doesn’t want to commit.
You have two choices.
Accept the decision or make arrangements to finish the relationship.
Sorry this has happened when you are dealing with such sad news about your DM.
At least you know where you stand.
As another poster suggested, devote your time to your DM’s remaining time.
She is deserving of it. Your DP is not.

If you're in explaining mood, you'll need to begin with why either your beliefs about men in general or 'domestic drudgery' are relevant here, since you made those claims first in response to a post that referred specifically to this one family.

For clarity, I've no interest in your views on hobby boards, so your reply can focus solely on why you felt those two things were an appropriate basis to wade in.

I don't know the OP's DH so I could only write in general terms.

If we did want to get specific to this case I very much doubt someone who thinks reduced income, domesticity and children are desirable would be reluctant to marry. So on the basis of that I'd guess DH meets the general pattern and doesn't regard those things as desirable. (Perhaps to a greater degree since he's held out for 12 years which is unusual in these circumstances!)

You argued my two posts were making completely different points, now you're talking as though they both made the same point which they self evidently were. That makes me think you're trolling (as does the ludicrous post you used as bait). So I'll leave you the last word and go silent on this thread.

Good luck to the OP. I hope things work out well for you.

Well no, you had another choice which was not to invent anything at all. It's rather telling that you don't appear to realise that was one of your options. That you could simply have not kicked off on the basis of things you'd pulled out of your arse.

And you're still making things up here. At this point I wonder if you're even able to help yourself.

He’s waiting for ‘the one’ to come along.

It’s not you OP

I was there and couldn’t get over it. Asked him to leave and so happy I did.
my self respect was worth more. Some people are happy without marriage but I’d made it clear I wanted to get married and he strung me along.

Take the ring off and give it back to him.

youre no longer engaged - he said as such.

if people notice youre not wearing your ring, don't bet coy, tell them - "we're no longer engaged" and move the conversation along.

see how he likes that for "attention". Dickhead.