He doesn't want to get married after being together 12years, already engaged and my mums recent diagnosis

[Snaba88]

I have been together with my DP for over 12 years now, we have lived together for over 10years, engaged for 4 of those as well as welcoming a 5 year old and an almost 2 year old into our lives.
For the most part we are happy and have our ups and downs like most couples.

However earlier this year my mum was diagnosed with a terminal disease and has been told she has 2-5 years left to live. No form of treatment available so truly do not know how long she has. A number of times she has mentioned that if we are going to get married we better get a move on and ofcourse I would love to have her here and honour her wish and be part of the day.

My DP however has decided he no longer wants to get married and wants things to stay the way they are...am I wrong for wondering what the hell happened and why even ask me in the first place?! Was it just to keep me happy?!

I am completely lost in what to do...I would love to be married to him and share the same surname as my babies and surely the fact I said yes indicated that I wanted to be married some day?!

When I try to discuss the current situation we are in I feel like im coming up with reasons why we should do it but equally questioning why I have to justify us getting married in first the place if he truly loves me.

In fact you could remove the ring and sell it, putting the money into your pension or savings account (which should not be joint with him.) Ensure you have separate savings and just share a bills account

step forward again at work and increase your pension contributions as much as possible.

you need to cushion yourself as basically he’s just said he wants to be free to walk away at any time

You're not married so the children should have YOUR surname.

Angry for you, OP. Seems that he has everything his own way.

I can never understand why a man is happy to have a family with a woman, yet considers marriage too big a commitment. Marriage can be dissolved, children can’t

It’s very easy to understand. He gets to have children and a family he gets a woman to do the heavy lifting (childcare / career sacrifice) yet he can walk away with his assets intact if he gets bored/meets someone hotter. Result! In my next life I’m coming back as a shit man.

Split outgoings how?

So he has the bigger pension?

Marriage is a legal undertaking that usually involves careful consideration and planning whereas anyone can impregnate someone without a second thought. And as this doesn't affect them, really, why should they give it a second thought. Getting a woman pregnant doesn't change a mans life, just the womans.

OP, sorry about your mother. I only hope you get an inheritence - hopefully enough for you to set up home on your own.

I'd sell that ring too, seriously I would. And then I'd tell him.

Dp, I’m sure you do like the way things are, but if unmarried I don’t. I am talking to work about signing back up to full time tomorrow, and it will be your turn to go part time and look after our children or find some quality childcare. I love them more than any thing but they are better off with a mum who has a good career since I’m unhappily unmarried, and who knows what could happen in the future. I’ll be applying to change their names to mine, I gave them your name on the understanding you wanted to marry me so please can you sign that form when it’s done. I am not happy with how things have been, my mums illness and your change of heart makes me realise life is too short to put up with someone settling, who thinks I’m ok to live with and have children wiht but won’t stand up in front of family and friends and commit to me.

That's easy. Marriage means that your dick officially can't wander off, not without big consequences. Children don't mean the same thing.

I'd hazard a guess the outgoings are split 50/50 AND she does all the childcare, housework and cleaning.

This 100%. Make sure you are iron clad protected financially.

Well it’s obvious he doesn’t want to marry you, although you don’t need a big wedding if that’s one if his issues, just you him the kids if you wish and your respective parents. Job done

It’s to the name change it by deed poll, or better yet I would change the kids names to it’s and if he kicks off say why should you have a different surname, when he can

I am not sure I could remain with someone who asked you to marry him knowing he never would and did it to shut you up

How are outgooings split? It should be proportionally to your income. Child expenses should also be split the same way.

It sounds like you took some time off when the DC were young. Tell him that you'd like him to top up your pension to make up for that. Also that you are now in a position to focus on your career so he will have to be default parent while you do that.

Marriage isn't about the day or the party or being the centre of attention so he doesn't need to worry about that. I suspect he isn't. What he is really worried about is the commitment to you. ' having kids is a bigger commitment' is a line wheeled out in defence of not getting married and it's just not true. Most people can have kids without any sort of thought. That's not commitment. Marriage is a legally binding commitment and that means something which is why he doesn't want to do it. Throw this one back op....

retains the right to walk off and take his salary and pension with him.

So it's in his interests to stay single, and it's in the OPs interests to get married.

They're both equally valid positions. If the OP was a millionaire we'd all be advising her not to get married in case he ran off with half her assets in future.

This is a great checklist.
He's behaved really badly.
I would move ring to other hand or take it off as he's basically called the engagement off.
Hes happy with things as they are but did he think about you?
Did he offer any explanation as to why he's changed his mind?
Assuming he intended that marriage would follow a proposal and engagement!?
I get the big fuss about a wedding but it's possible to do things much more simply, would he do get married in a simple ceremony with just close friends and family and a meal afterwards?
Would he agree to a civil partnership?
Or would he agree to put everything in check list above in place?

Its easier said than done to start to ensure everything is 50/50, childcare, running the house etc but I would still look for promotion/ career advancements because you can bet that's what he would do and without a second thought.
So you need to protect yourself financially as much as you can.
I would also say you want to double barrel DCs surnames so they have both surnames igiven that he doesn't want to get married.
I'm sorry about your mum and I'm sorry DP has let you down like this.
Perhaps if he knows how important marriage is to you he will think again.

Well they cant be made to disappear no, but the father can quite easily disappear from their lives. Not see them, not pay for them, not acknowledge them.

Harder (although not impossible) to do when married and financial provision can be written into a divorce. I read that more solicitors are recommending that it is done through court as used to be standard given how crap CMS are. Dont know how true that it though. Its certainly something I would do.

Sell the engagement ring. Keep the money for yourself. Stop doing more than half childcare, cooking, laundry etc. Tell him to do his half share. I wouldn't have waited 12 years and I certainly wouldn't have had a baby without marriage and kids have same surname as me. In lots of relationships one person loves the other more. I guess that's you in your relationship.

I would hand him back the ring, (assuming there's a ring) and tell him that as he doesn't want to get married the engagement is over. I would also tell him that you need to rethink the whole relationship, as it is no longer what you want.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum. My mum passed 2 years ago from terminal cancer we only had 3 weeks from diagnosis till she passed it happened much quicker than they told us it would. As for marriage we did it before kids and my mum's last wish was to see our last son born and she made it and passed 24hrs after. I miss her every day but having a good hubby and 4 kids makes it more bearable and knowing we were all happy and settled long before that made her happy. My hubby shyest person in the world so we did the registry cheap and quiet and a few weeks later hired a hall and had a party and buffet, very inexpensive and just right for us.I think if it was going to happen maybe yours would have done it years ago. Hope you get sorted and wishing you all the strength atm aswell.

Is this a regional thing as I don’t know of anyone who has children with the mother’s surname. All have the fathers name regardless of whether they are married or not.

Sigh.

Not a day goes by in Mumsnetland without a post like this.

Why are women still, in this day and age, shooting themselves in the foot like this?

So sorry about your mum, OP.

Sell the ring. Put the money in your savings account.

Start prioritising your own job - if that means he has to take time off for sick kids etc. well that's life.

Try to make the way you live as equitable as possible. So you both own the house. Both pay 50/50 on bills. But do you both have the same pensions? Do you both do the hard work with the kids? If not tell him this has to change- and just do it. Leave him with a sick kid and go to work. put more money into your pension - tough shit if that means a holiday doesn't happen.

Men like this understand nothing but pounds shillings and pence and someone who stands up to them.

In the long term, I'd probably get the ick with him. I'm married 30 years and have felt my husband has wanted the best for me for every one of them - right down to this morning when he insisted that he not me would be getting out of bed to bring the dog out at 5.30.

'Engaged' means actively planning to get married. Not someday, maybe, perhaps ... as over a decade trudges past.

I agree, the engagement ring was to keep you quiet with false hope.

It's because he's already been handed everything men only used to get after marriage.

With the added bonus that you don't have the rights and protections a married woman has.

So why would he want anything to change?

Do you both work?
Do you have a mortgage?
Are there savings?
Pensions?

Take the ring off. Sell it and keep the money, or buy a piece of jewellery for you.

That lady on the internet is right. If they wanted to they would. Dh raised marriage 8 months after first date and proposed a year after we got together. Wedding was 10 months after that.

Please follow the advice on this thread. You have put yourself in a vulnerable position financially here. He’s not got your back just his own.

I suspect they aren't happy to have a family. It's pretty easy for children to arrive in ambiguous circumstances, marriage less so. If the guy was happy to have a family the OP would have said "Marriage first, then kids." and he'd have had to go along with it.