He doesn't want to get married after being together 12years, already engaged and my mums recent diagnosis

[Snaba88]

I have been together with my DP for over 12 years now, we have lived together for over 10years, engaged for 4 of those as well as welcoming a 5 year old and an almost 2 year old into our lives.
For the most part we are happy and have our ups and downs like most couples.

However earlier this year my mum was diagnosed with a terminal disease and has been told she has 2-5 years left to live. No form of treatment available so truly do not know how long she has. A number of times she has mentioned that if we are going to get married we better get a move on and ofcourse I would love to have her here and honour her wish and be part of the day.

My DP however has decided he no longer wants to get married and wants things to stay the way they are...am I wrong for wondering what the hell happened and why even ask me in the first place?! Was it just to keep me happy?!

I am completely lost in what to do...I would love to be married to him and share the same surname as my babies and surely the fact I said yes indicated that I wanted to be married some day?!

When I try to discuss the current situation we are in I feel like im coming up with reasons why we should do it but equally questioning why I have to justify us getting married in first the place if he truly loves me.

Dp, I’m sure you do like the way things are, but if unmarried I don’t. I am talking to work about signing back up to full time tomorrow, and it will be your turn to go part time and look after our children or find some quality childcare. I love them more than any thing but they are better off with a mum who has a good career since I’m unhappily unmarried, and who knows what could happen in the future. I’ll be applying to change their names to mine, I gave them your name on the understanding you wanted to marry me so please can you sign that form when it’s done. I am not happy with how things have been, my mums illness and your change of heart makes me realise life is too short to put up with someone settling, who thinks I’m ok to live with and have children wiht but won’t stand up in front of family and friends and commit to me.

@99bottlesofkombucha this is perfect

No man waits 12 years and two children to marry if he actively wants to be married.

Some do though.

Op, you are chasing the wrong thing. Drop the idea of getting married to him- he doesn’t want to marry you and that’s ok. Just shift your priorities. Your focus has to be on your mum, your children and yourself. Your so called DP showed to you his true colours. Take this information into consideration and act accordingly. Deprioritise him and this relationship- use him as he uses you. I’m sorry that the only way forward if you want to restore the balance.

Get your kids names changed and LTB. You're with a manipulative future faker.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum. I think you need to de-centre him and focus on your child. I think you need to protect yourself as much as possible. Ensure he doing his fair share.

Your mum wouldn't want you to get married to someone reluctant, just to please her. She really wouldn't. This isn't a good reason for a wedding.

However I do agree about getting your house in order if you aren't married. Make sure you are getting equal pension build up and equal build up of savings.

If you are likely to inherit from your mum then actually it is definitely best not to marry someone who is not fully committed

That said, I do have a hatred of being the centre of attention and wish I had got my way and just had a tiny wedding with a couple of witnesses. Have you explored whether he would be happy with a tiny wedding?

@Wallywobbles that is an excellent post summarising so well the legal protections that marriage offers. Generally the woman is the most vulnerable to financial disadvantage in that of course she has to take maternity leave. That then can lead to less hours/earning power on return to work with the hidden issue of less pension for the future. Sadly this seems to be be such a common scenario.

@Snaba88 so sorry to hear about your mum. I hope that she gets to spend lots of time with you and the granchildren before she dies. Please do make the time to think about whether your finances and insurances etc are well set up to protect you and the kids. Do you have a joint account from which household bills including costs for the kids are paid do you split things 50:50 or % according to wages. Could the household contribute to a private pension for you? Are you definitely named as the beneficiary on his pension, is his life insurance (that pays out to you) enough to pay off the mortgage.

Sorry about your mum

I suspect he never wanted to marry, unfortunately

And no one should be pressured to marry if they don't want to

So, I suggest you take some agency here. You need to decide, do you wish to remain in the relationship, unmarried? Or, would you prefer to move on?

And, no ultimatums. So, "I wanted to marry you, accept you don't feel the same, I'm thinking of moving on" is OK. "Marry me by June or else" is not

And where i live, inheritances aren't matrimonial property, but may be different where you are

Good luck

I think that sample letter up thread was excellent.

Time for a mindset shift. Step away from the fantasy future he's let you build because it suited him, to keep the status quo.

Definitely accept he does not see you as a married couple.

So start seeing and treating yourself as an independent woman responsible for her own future.

And stop centring and prioritising him. See him in the minor role he sees you in.

And then act on your new mindsets.

A FT job, income, pension for you. Know how the finances work.

If he doesn’t want fuss say Registry office, you two, kids, parents and done.

if he doesn’t want that well you know how he truly feels about you

Why would he get married when he already has everything?

Yes, the advantages are quite obvious. In this case, he gets the benefit of children and domesticity with a partner who's reduced her own earning capacity to take on a greater share, without the legal framework that would allow her to most easily obtain recognition of this in a settlement if they split.

And I'm so sorry about your mum OP.

benefit of children and domesticity with a partner who's reduced her own earning capacity

Because every man dreams of domestic drudgery and a partner bringing in less money. ....and the hassle, cost and inconvenience of children.

It's like a comedic version of Orwellian opposite speak! 🤣

You're not the first OP and you won't be the last. You have a choice to make. Either you accept it, ortell him the relationship is over and sort out the logistics of splitting up.

Give him his ring back. Tell him you're going to have a think about what kind of future you want.

@Snaba88 when you say both own the house does that mean...

1. Both your names are on the mortgage and the deeds, and you have a bank statement paper trail showing that you've paid towards the house deposit and or mortgage
2. Only his name is on the house documents and you've just been transferring money to him? Because in that case, you don't own any of it and you are at risk of homelessness if the relationship breaks down

Really sorry to hear about your mum ♥️

Good point

You need to up your earnings and insist he does his 50:50 share wity kids as he clearly doesn’t intend to protect you financially. Im
so sorry about your mum. Get tough on your lying partner and do not tolerate his shit. He has to step up and do his half so you can financially protect yourself.

Weird the way you've invented bits about 'every man' in a post specifically about one case, and about him engaging in domestic drudgery too.

I'd say that was comedic, but it's nowhere near the level needed for humour.

You listed three "benefits":

children
domesticity
partner who's reduced her own earning capacity

Two of those are self evidently extremely bad from a male POV (and, I'd assume, a female POV)

The third (children) is far from good from a male POV. Men are typically far from enthusiastic about children.

So you're listing drawbacks and describing them as benefits.

If you want the same name as your children, add your name to theirs.
It sounds like he doesn’t want to get married and you can’t force him to. Unfortunately you are in a vulnerable position financially because if you split you only have rights over the house and maintenance.

As I said, you invented the parts about every man and OPs partner partaking in domestic drudgery. Interesting the way you're trying to swerve that now.

Copy both my posts into chatgpt and ask it if both posts are making the same point. (Clue: They are.)

Chat GPT? Fuck me, you're really scraping the barrel now.

The lesson from this experience is that if you're going to go in all guns blazing, you really need to be sure to check what's actually been written first.

Because the value money more and can just walk away from their kids. A divorce takes time and money.

Children may seem like a bigger commitment to YOU but, sadly, many men find it all too easy to walk away from this responsibility. And, since the CMA seems to be as useful as a chocolate teapot, they often find a way of shirking their responsibilities.

He does not care about your need to have your mum witness your wedding. He doesn’t value you enough to want to marry you. That’s the sad truth.

I realise this may not be a good time, but do think about creating a future without him. Going back to working full time would be a good start.