Arguments on holiday- is this normal or a deal breaker?

[OhWhatIsLife]

I’m currently on holiday with my DP and my 2 DS. For the past 2 days my DP has barely spoken to me over a very petty argument that I’d forgotten about tbh but apparently I’ve been annoying him all week. So he’s in a mood and just being a right miserable sod. I wouldn’t mind if I could just go off and do stuff with my kids on my own but they’re really hard work by myself and I would never have come on this type of holiday on my own. Children are 2 and 3, 3 year old is autistic so needs constant supervision. They run off in different directions etc so I just don’t feel safe trying to manage it for long. I did yday for an hour at the pool but have to constantly hold/chase one so they stay in the same area! I’ve walked to the shops to get them food to cook for dinner even though we’re half board as I don’t know how I’d manage in the buffet area. I’m fuming as I feel this is ruining the holiday for them as I’m much more limited.
I lost my shit and told him he needs to at least help me with the kids as he’s just been sitting in the hotel room on his phone or just fucking off out, god knows where. He says he was just sitting in the reception last night (for 2 and a half hours). So he has done a bit more today- came to the pool for a couple of hours and come down for food. But that’s it really. Spent a lot of time in the room this afternoon as luckily we have a jacuzzi so that’s kept the kids busy while again he just sat in the bedroom. He will speak to the kids if they approach him but I get zero from him unless I ask him a question and he’ll respond with one/two word answers.
Thank god we’re going home tomorrow as I can’t cope with this! I’m seriously thinking of just fucking him off as soon as we’re back (if we’re not done already) as I just don’t think this is normal behaviour. Or am I overreacting as I know fights on holiday can seem worse?

I think that the arguments over “decisions” is points to his lack of control in the relationship. He can’t get away from the fact that kids are your first priority. That’s why he’s “punishing” you by leaving it all to you.

Is there a difficulty in understanding the OP who has said, more than once, she doesn't expect him to parent her children. Perhaps read the OP and replies again rather than letting your imagination take over.

What does that have to do with anything? Obviously if they are not together then it's not the bio father's job to come on holiday with the OP and help her look after the children.

No but it is his job to pay for and look after his children when she is not on holiday.

Please don't take him back even if he apologises. He is an utter shit, who leaves a single mum struggling on her own on holiday with two tiny kids? and gives her the silent treatment? Holidays and travelling with someone can be very revealing of someone's character. why on earth would you even consider getting back with him, ever? Do you really want him around your kids after this?

I might have missed it but if you don’t already live together then he wouldn’t know what being with two small children full time is like. Maybe he stays over at weekends or for a couple of days in the week but that’s not the same as 24/7 for a week.
Maybe his expectations of what it would actually be like on holiday were completely unrealistic? He had some romantic notions of relaxing on the beach while the kids happily built sandcastles or something, not that he’d have to step up and do some hard parenting graft.

I’m not excusing his nasty, dickhead behaviour in any way. He sounds like an utterly selfish prick. I’d bin him off.

I honestly think you need to end it, not fair on any of you. My ex husband was always like this on holiday and they were his kids, would watch me struggle with things like pushchairs etc, it won’t get any better

Get home safely and get rid.
The whole issue for me is that OP was never planning to go away on her own with her DC. She declined a holiday with her parents to go on this one. I assume with her parents she would have had some support and practical help.
I have no idea why this man wanted to go on holiday with OP and her kids. He will have known that it would be hard work in some ways, 15 months is a fair amount of time in a relationship. He’s clearly got there, realised the whole situation isn’t for him and been rude and selfish.
Even if he decided he was out, he could still have been kind, supportive and helped with some basics.
Next time OP would be best to go away with her folks, and take a break from dating until her DC are a little older.

this

if I see a stranger struggling, I rush to help without even thinking. deliberately watching someone I know or love struggle is just pathetic.

He's an absolute knobhead, but at least you know this now and can end the relationship, and take things slower with new relationships in the future.

I understand you weren't to know he'd be like this, especially with it was him suggesting the holiday. It's a lesson learned to not go on 'family' holidays with relatively new partners when you know you'll need to rely on them for support.

You sound completely reasonable OP, you haven't expected anything out of the ordinary and he has given you reason to expect that he would help on holiday.

Don't let him make you doubt yourself.

I had an ex who did this and it was just because he hated not being number 1 in attention.

Can you calmly and lightly say, "I notice you're still not talking to me and not helping at all with the children. Are you going to do that on the way home do you think? Just so I know if I should ask other travellers to help eith the pushchair etc. "

Late to the thread, it's awful that he's treated you all like that! How did it all go getting home? Did he step up?

Okay so he's annoyed at your for something, that doesn't mean he gets to stop being a parent. God, can't he manage his emotions? Or at least stick some tv on for the kids and give yourselves the opportunity to talk it through?

This sounds really immature behaviour.

He's not their father, it's probably way too soon to have brought him into your kids lives. And he sounds like he doesn't want to do the hard graft. Wonder how he is with his own kids. Anyway, in the bin with him.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable. I think I’d be upset if someone I went on holiday with didn’t help with the kids(be it my sister, mam, friend) … I wouldn’t expect equal shares but I’d expect help/support and kindness. And I think if I went on holiday with someone with kids your age (without my own) I’d expect to be part of the support… everything is so so much easier with more hands. I struggle on my own with 2 kids (nothing awful, just it’s general
hard work!) but when my husband is there it’s so much easier. Add our parents or siblings into the mix and it’s such a chilled day when everyone does a little bit (with the kids or with day to day jobs) if they resent that then they can spend time elsewhere. You don’t get to be around small children, take any fun times/ laughs, love and then do absolutely nothing that needs doing.

Ye leave. It won’t get any better. He can’t be bothered to engage with him own children; that would be a deal breaker for me. Let alone the fact he’s also being a crap husband.

This is what he’s doing, it’s an excuse to cop out of his duties!

He's not the man for you. This is a pretty new relationship. You have 2 very young children and he's not even willing to help you out the least bit like holding a door or helping you with a stroller.

I've had strangers in NYC help me with a stroller on the stairs and we are known for our attitude. This guy won't even do a basic human kindness for his gf.

He wants nothing to do with your kids. No supervision, no help, nothing. That's a very basic incompatibility that you're not going to be able to get past.

Are they his children ? If not he's not obligated to care for them if you have had an argument. Also I suggest you get reins for the children so they can't run off when you are outside. It's sad you've come to thinking of effin him off. But you really don't need to be looking after 'three children'!!

He’s punishing you, massive level of immaturity, please bin him

Dump him when you get home.

He created a row out of nothing. Then withdraw his help/ support as a punishment to you. He's a wanker. His behaviour doesn't just impact you but it has impacted the kids and ruined their holiday.

I think it's unfair to say you expected him to parent. I dont think you expected him to parent. I think you expected him to live up to his end of the bargin. He knew you wouldnt have travelled abroad alone because of the childrens ages and need level. You would have made different decisions or planned things differently if you were indeed traveling alone.

I am sorry this is stressing you out OP. Kids are hard, toddlers even more so, and autistic child and a holiday! You are clearly stronger than you think. Lose him, OP. You aren’t right for each other just now and you are tired. Which is so understandable. Will their dad help you when you get home so you can re- energise and have a proper think about this relationship and what you want from a relationship going forward? Doesn’t help you just now but be kind to yourself…

Just a final update after arriving home. He did push the suitcases etc so I guess he did help. But still didn’t speak at all unless I asked him a question. But tbf all I needed him to do was help with the luggage. Just a very awkward journey home! But me and the kids were sitting separately on the plane so wasn’t too bad for that part at least.
When we got back (yesterday afternoon) he said bye to the kids briefly (as in a quick couple of words) and then just left without a word to me. And we haven’t spoken since. I fully don’t expect him to get in touch as I think that’s the way he handles conflict, or whatever you’d call this. So I will do the same and go no contact. Unless he does get in touch and then I will be ending things.
@Pinkdhalia no he is not obligated to help with the kids after an argument. But it would be a kind thing to do rather than ruin their holiday as well by being a miserable tool. So no it’s not sad that I’m thinking of effing him off. He’s shown me who he is. Maybe nothing wrong with that to some people but I can’t deal with the silent treatment after what was barely an argument. That is not how I resolve things. I think it’s emotionally immature at best. Some would regard his behaviour as abusive. As looking back, that was like living on eggshells. It was horrific. Have an argument, be pissed off, storm out, whatever. But I don’t know anyone who purposely ignores those they supposedly love for days including innocent children without any attempt to at least be civil. He couldn’t even bring himself to engage in basic communication. To me it doesn’t matter that they’re not his. Why the hell do they need to experience that as well.
So anyway I’m glad to be home. I will be planning some day trips with the parents and steering clear of men from now on. Thank you to everyone who understood where I was coming from

A complete stranger wouldn't have stood by and let you struggle with getting a double buggy & two small kids through a heavy narrow door the way he did.

He's an insufferable dickhead. Dump him the very second you get home.

And I don’t feel this is relevant at all to my post but a few people have commented on the bio dad. So just to fulfil everyone’s curiosity. He has no involvement whatsoever. Doesn’t pay or see them. So another reason why I am very adamantly saying I didn’t expect him or anyone else to parent my kids. As I’ve said I have done it solo since my youngest was born. So for the last 30 months.
I don’t need him or rely on anyone else. But yes when I go out with friends etc they help me supervise them just because that’s a decent thing to do and admittedly in certain situations it is needed. So yes I was expecting that from him: again HELP not to parent. I feel I have managed quite well as a single parent. It’s exhausting and hard work in general but I am not putting that on my kids in particular.
Oh and the reins comment, of course I would use them myself normally at times if needed. But I didn’t bring them on holiday as I wasn’t planning on using them in the pool or on the beach!