Do I cancel the wedding?

[Ednaleno]

I feel like I'm at a cross road. Me and dp are due to get married soon. We have 2dc. One being a newborn. Now the wedding is getting closer its made me reflect more on what I want out of marriage and I'm afraid this relationship isn't it.

The pros

Dp is dedicated to our family. He works, cooks, looks after the kids.

He is a good dad. Be it a bit strict but nevertheless.

We can have fun together. We have a lot in common and I enjoy experiencing life with him.

He can be very attentive, has helped me and my family many times when others haven't.

The cons

I am a massive talker. I need communication in a relationship, being with dp has made me realise this. This is because dp does NOT communicate. He hates talks, never initiates any. Which means by default all of our real life big talks come from me, be it positive or negative. It's become so daunting having to constantly be the one that does this. It makes me feel like I'm the only one who cares about things. It also makes our relationship feel very shallow and lacking in substance. I know we can do the good times but I want someone who can also show up during the bad.

He definitely has issues with money. Before I got with him he had debt problems which he didn't tell me about, and then when he did minimised it big time. As a consequence, over the years, his lack of money has meant my money has been drained. He has started up his own business but is still poor with his money choices, this means he usually doesn't earn what he should. It's so taxing financially and has put me in situations. At one point he had a gambling problem that he kept from me and lost us money.

Another big thing is because of his finances we are currently living with family members. For me this isn't sustainable, I want to be out there living our lives independently as a family unit. Although dp says he wants this too, he doesn't show any incentive in trying to work towards leaving. Instead dp has a very blasé attitude that things will fall into place and wants to stay living with said family members until he inherits. He is quite comfortable doing that.

Most of this I blame his upbringing for. As he is used to things falling into his lap rather than working hard for it. Not necessarily that he has been spoiled but that he has been sheltered from any real life issues or hardships. So he just can't deal with it and sticks his head in the sand. Dp's parents have kindly offered to pay off his debts and get him a place, be it this could be ten years down the line. So of course he is now quite happy to perch and wait. I on the other hand am not! I also think it's irresponsible and naive to have all our eggs in one basket and although of course this could happen and that would be great, at the same time anything could go wrong and his parents may not be able to afford to get him a place. Then what?!

All of this is reflective on dp as a person. This is why he got into a gambling problem in the first place. He was looking for a quick fix for money and thought investing would get us there. But of course all it done was lose us loads of money and put us more behind. I warned him so many times but he was convinced it was going to be life changing for us, as he is now convinced that if we sit tight the money he will get from his parents will save us.

With all this in mind, I'm just at my wits end. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him. I love our family unit. I know no one is perfect and everyone has their flaws. It's just choosing whether the pros outweigh the cons right? I just can't decide what to do, but whatever I do decide can't be done lightly. Leaving him would be a massive strain on me (with a baby) and upheaval for DC. Staying is ruining my mental health. Dp won't change. We have been in counselling for our communication (or lack of) problems before. But naturally we always resort back to this. Some insight and perspective will be greatly helpful. Thanks

Don't marry him! It's a personality thing with him so he won't and can't change and his money problems could wreck your life. You're just not on the same page. If you aren't miserable then perhaps you could look at it as staying together whilst the children are young then split later. But if you are miserable and it's causing conflict then you should go.

I think you’ve answered your own question, but unfortunately the time to have this moment of reflection was before you had two children with him, not after. He’s a passive, lazy, financially irresponsible man with a gambling habit, who’s had a terrible effect on your finances, can’t communicate, can’t handle difficulties, and would rather live with family members than work towards your own place.

@ClickClickety our counsellor did say she thinks it's an incompatibility problem. But the way I see it is that even if I got with someone else, doesn't mean that everything will align with them either. So I didn't see it as something worth leaving and taking the kids away from.

This is what I can't work out. Whether this is just life. The grass won't be greener on the other side and just to see this out. I can ignore it and get by. But every now and then, mostly when life hits us with a bump in the road, it resurfaces all of this. Then we find ourselves having conflict, which will blow over eventually with nothing changing until the next time....

@CowHeronCow well when you put it like that it really puts things into perspective 😅

Because these things have all happened over time it hasn't felt that bad. And because we do have good times in-between it makes me feel like our relationship is worth staying for, that we can work. And I know we can but it comes at the cost and expense of my mental health.

As well I am worried that I'd leave him and then things will fall into place and workout for him as he plans, then I've left and me and the kids will be worse off whilst he will be cleared of his debts and finally have a home for us all. It's just so tricky. I wish I could also be like him and put my head down for the time being. Then I could wait it out and see. But I can't. It's driving me up the wall too much and the pp hormones most likely aren't helping

Honestly the gambling thing alone with make me call off the wedding. To make the relationship work he is going to have to change everything about him and by the sounds of things he wouldn't. He is a manchild and is not going to change. I would not get married, nor would I have anymore children with this man.

You’ve got a new baby so I don’t think you should be making any solid decisions. Postpone and have time to think for certain.

Oh op this isn't life, your gut is telling you, yes you may love him, but he'll your living with his family that's not healthy or right, you need your own place and space to grow, why does he think this is OK,
You need to call off the wedding and start planning to move into your own place ' see how that goes first ' he isn't looking after you all op, but hoping just maybe sometime in the future mum& dad leave him money, god op please don't wait around , you need to look for a rental, put you name on council housing register,

Your partner not going to change ever, but you can , you a children need stability your own home, financial partner won't change you and family keep supporting this behaviour op,

Please listen to your gut op,
Partner needs to grow up fast, you need to be able to trust him financially but you don't because of his past doing,

What do you intend to do instead of marrying, stay together unmarried, separate and try to bring up two children alone? You won't necessarily find a mister right who wants a ready made family. Think about what you would be losing, you seem to be relatively happy, only you know if he will be more reliable in terms of money going forward, but at least he has prospects. Could you talk to him about you managing the finances in future so that he can't squander money?

Never marry anyone who doesn’t treat your money well. He can’t handle money himself and prefers to think of your money as his own.

Leave him to it. Move out with your children and start building a single parent life. You will be thankful you did and so will your children be.

You have taught him that you are happy to be the provider of his comfort (the gambling) who provides sex, too. He’s a very happy man.

@dogcatkitten well this is it. If I leave great, then what? My money has been depleted from where he has had a lack of income, meaning I have no savings behind me. I doubt any man is going to come along and sweep me off my feet with my setup and I just wouldn't have the time or energy for dating for a long while. I dont know where we would live. The thing is, even if dp suddenly comes into a house or money. It's not MINE. Even if we get married it doesn't then naturally make me entitled to a property if it's under his name. I'm still left in a vulnerable position with nothing.

For the most part I am happy despite his short comings. It's just when it comes to real life stuff I feel alone in it and that our relationship is one sided. It drives me up the wall that our relationship lacks depth because he never wants to communicate. I'm glad that we can have family and co parent well. But I don't feel fulfilled or satisfied with our relationship being so surface level

I wouldn't marry anyone with a gambling problem, the risk is far too great however much you love them.

If you end things ok you start again but you can do that and you'll be in a stronger position doing it on your own rather than being, forgive me, weighed down by him.

@Dolphinosep0tatoes the gambling was when he invested money. That happened years ago. Since then he hasn't touched stocks/crypto. He deleted all his apps and did show me to prove it. He hasn't touched it since. The problem is I do believe he did it with good intentions to try and get us out of a financial rut. But obviously it was completely off the mark and he went about it in the wrong way. It's not like he was gambling and betting for leisure. If that was the case he would have been long gone.

The money situation is the big decider. You’re not both working towards a common goal. It’s not a surprise to me that he’s self-employed, because that’s can be an excuse to do very little, with the excuse that his ship will come in next year. Also, waiting until his inheritance will go m e in? How lazy us that , and that could be fifty years!

I’m sorry to say the ick is beginning to build. Don’t marry him. If you want to save the relationship, have a Big Talk and make plans, for paying off the debts, getting a deposit, etc. Talk seriously about hus business? Is it viable? If not, he needs to get a job. Harsh decesions needs to be made now.

But think long term you’ll resent him and his lack of future.

Think he needs to go out and get a job that pays the bills, shit got real now you have 2 children to provide for. Don’t give him any more of your money, lock it away in ISAs and id also been looking for repayment on the money invested into his business or lifestyle choices.

He's not a good dad, dedicated to his family.

He is a grabby loser who just wants to take, take, take.

If he were a good dad he wouldn’t be sponging off his family, waiting for them to die rather than going out and working and providing a home for his kids.

Rule number one NEVER MARRY POTENTIAL!!

Look at what you have now as what you are getting because there’s a good chance that’s as good as it gets. And don’t look at it as if you could find someone better…would you be better alone? Does he add anything to what you could create for yourself?

“Rule number one NEVER MARRY POTENTIAL!!”

Never heard it phrased like this before, but it’s so true.

How long have you been together? Apart from having children, what has he actually done to build a life with you together? Or is he reliant on his parents?

OP, can I ask is his business making a solid income or is it one of these businesses that is going to be the next big thing. I assume it is not a Trade

He is still gambling, with his personality being self employed is a gamble. He can slack off when he likes and blame outside factors for the business being slow.

@purplecorkheart his business has been slow. He will have a month or so of solid work and then nothing for a long while, which is when I pick up the financial slack. He knew this would happen though because he decided to leave his employer when I was pregnant and start up this business with no savings behind to fall on. That meant when he had no work we were living off what little money I had. It's been about a year now and it still hasn't established really.

He’s not worth being in a relationship with let alone marrying. Your mental health should be more precious to you than him. The man’s a giant red flag. You have a choice re him and your kids do not. I feel for them the most in all this because the adults around them are letting them down.

@Silverbirchleaf when you say what has he done to build our lives together what do you mean?

Honestly run and don't look back. He is never going to make something of his self and quite frankly will probably fritter anything he may receive away. You are being financially abused. This is only going to get worse and not better.

The talking thing is just a different approach.
The money, gambling and the lack of initiative are a no for me. In any case you already have two kids with him so I don't know what to advice you. You can cancel the wedding with the money excuse and get extra time to make your way out if that is what you need.

He doesn't have a lack of money problem, he has a spending problem. It doesn't matter how much he earns, or how much he inherits, he's one of those people who lets it slip through his fingers and has nothing to show for it. And then you mention gambling, well that explains it.

The other stuff wouldn't bother me (it sounds like you have plenty of positive aspects), but I wouldn't get financially tied to someone who can't manage their finances, or someone who gambles. You'll end up as broke as him.