Do I cancel the wedding?

[Ednaleno]

I feel like I'm at a cross road. Me and dp are due to get married soon. We have 2dc. One being a newborn. Now the wedding is getting closer its made me reflect more on what I want out of marriage and I'm afraid this relationship isn't it.

The pros

Dp is dedicated to our family. He works, cooks, looks after the kids.

He is a good dad. Be it a bit strict but nevertheless.

We can have fun together. We have a lot in common and I enjoy experiencing life with him.

He can be very attentive, has helped me and my family many times when others haven't.

The cons

I am a massive talker. I need communication in a relationship, being with dp has made me realise this. This is because dp does NOT communicate. He hates talks, never initiates any. Which means by default all of our real life big talks come from me, be it positive or negative. It's become so daunting having to constantly be the one that does this. It makes me feel like I'm the only one who cares about things. It also makes our relationship feel very shallow and lacking in substance. I know we can do the good times but I want someone who can also show up during the bad.

He definitely has issues with money. Before I got with him he had debt problems which he didn't tell me about, and then when he did minimised it big time. As a consequence, over the years, his lack of money has meant my money has been drained. He has started up his own business but is still poor with his money choices, this means he usually doesn't earn what he should. It's so taxing financially and has put me in situations. At one point he had a gambling problem that he kept from me and lost us money.

Another big thing is because of his finances we are currently living with family members. For me this isn't sustainable, I want to be out there living our lives independently as a family unit. Although dp says he wants this too, he doesn't show any incentive in trying to work towards leaving. Instead dp has a very blasé attitude that things will fall into place and wants to stay living with said family members until he inherits. He is quite comfortable doing that.

Most of this I blame his upbringing for. As he is used to things falling into his lap rather than working hard for it. Not necessarily that he has been spoiled but that he has been sheltered from any real life issues or hardships. So he just can't deal with it and sticks his head in the sand. Dp's parents have kindly offered to pay off his debts and get him a place, be it this could be ten years down the line. So of course he is now quite happy to perch and wait. I on the other hand am not! I also think it's irresponsible and naive to have all our eggs in one basket and although of course this could happen and that would be great, at the same time anything could go wrong and his parents may not be able to afford to get him a place. Then what?!

All of this is reflective on dp as a person. This is why he got into a gambling problem in the first place. He was looking for a quick fix for money and thought investing would get us there. But of course all it done was lose us loads of money and put us more behind. I warned him so many times but he was convinced it was going to be life changing for us, as he is now convinced that if we sit tight the money he will get from his parents will save us.

With all this in mind, I'm just at my wits end. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him. I love our family unit. I know no one is perfect and everyone has their flaws. It's just choosing whether the pros outweigh the cons right? I just can't decide what to do, but whatever I do decide can't be done lightly. Leaving him would be a massive strain on me (with a baby) and upheaval for DC. Staying is ruining my mental health. Dp won't change. We have been in counselling for our communication (or lack of) problems before. But naturally we always resort back to this. Some insight and perspective will be greatly helpful. Thanks

He sees your wage as his business staff. And you, too, and you give him orgasms. He’s happy.

@TheSandgroper I haven't done the latter in a long while .... The stress of everything is a serious mood killer .

OP, please give us more clues on the business. I live in an area surrounded by rich people, and I cannot figure out what ‘trade’ they use that normal people don’t.

Also, I agree with everyone else, do not marry him. Figure a way to move into your own place and move on with your life.

Well, that’s an answer to your original question, one might think. And in your op you say he will never change and that you have tried.

What the definition of stupidity? Doing the same thing again and expecting a different result.

The problem now is the unravelling of your lives together. But, kindly, I think you need to turn your mind to cancelling the wedding and figure out life away from him.

@TheSandgroper with a new baby I just don't feel in the position to get up and go. I have no money, no savings. Nothing.

Do not tie yourself legally and financially to this man.
Sounds like near financial abuse already.
Can he stay with the DC and you earn money until you are in a position to rent? (But do not do this if you marry, as he would be the primary career for the DC) Can you split and get UC /council housing?

Ring Women’s Aid. Now.

Their business is helping women in trouble.

Be prepared to be ruthless. Cancel your wedding arrangements. Sell stuff. Ask for help from friends. Pride won’t help but people will. I have just said on another thread to look after you, look after your credit rating and look after your baby.

Do NOT marry him. Read over your post as though it was a stranger, what would your advice be to them?

@TheSandgroper my credit score is already on the floor due to all this.

I agree.

"I warned him so many times but he was convinced it was going to be life changing for us, as he is now convinced that if we sit tight the money he will get from his parents will save us."

He doesn't listen to you. This is fundamental when making decisions as a couple, about your children, your home, how you organise your lives.

He used your savings as a bail out.. and now thinks his parents will bail him out...
Who will have to bail him out next? You and your children will be the ones to suffer from this.

I would never marry a gambler. Especially a secretive one.

He has put you in that position.

Think about that.

Obviously things are difficult with a new baby, but you can dig your way out of this.. I'm not sure getting married will help you tho... If you have no money between you, who is paying for the wedding?

FWIW, I think this is a very good plan op.

I have hesitated to comment on this thread because you said,

Dp is dedicated to our family. He works, cooks, looks after the kids

And that’s a lot better than some husbands!

However, the non-communication sounds utterly miserable. And in order for a woman to feel happy in a relationship, she needs first and foremost to feel safe and secure and his financial mistakes are continually threatening that.

But you have to be pragmatic. You can’t just hand full responsibility over for yourself and your dc to an under-resourced organisation like Women’s Aid. They do fantastic work but their priority is helping women in violent situations.

You have two dc with this man, that cannot be changed, and you need his help and support atm, that’s all there is to it. But you have every right op not to marry him atm, when you cannot trust him financially, indeed you should definitely not do do. But at the same time, you need to shore up your own financial security.

In your shoes op, I think I would stay in the relationship for now, but absolutely do not align your financial security with his. Study or work and get as high an earning job as possible and once your youngest is in ft school, think again. Good luck 💐

I would stop bailing him out with his business. He is dragging you under by relying on you. Tell him you will not be doing this anymore. This might make him realise that his business is untenable and he needs to get a job with a regular income coming in.

Do not become financially entwined with him so no marriage. He is a gambler and that brings with it uncertainty which is unsettling and scary.

Does he contribute to the general day to day living when there is money coming in? Does he just let you take up the slack all the time? I would find that resentment would build up fast if there is so much inequality.

Once you have rung WomenAid, open new bank accounts with new passwords that pertain to your favourite flower or something, something he doesn’t know and cannot guess.

Transfer everything into it. First thing, separate yourself financially. If there are any refunds due to cancelling your wedding booking, get it into your new account.

Don’t talk to himself about your cancellation. Wait until he brings it up. Give yourself every bit of breathing space you can.

But you have to do it. Rebuilding your credit starts right after you ring Women’s Aid. Mumsnet can only lovingly harangue you.

I am so sorry you are in this position. You really should be in your baby haze, Not this.

And it's not going to get better with him dragging you down. I know with a young baby it's not as simple as 'get up and leave', but if I were you I'd at least be planning to do that, which means NOT marrying him and NOT getting yourself any more tangled up in his mess.

Op, when you say you are being rinsed every month, do you mean he has full access to your earnings? If yes, please open a separate bank account and have your salary paid into it. Do not allow him to use your hard earned money to prop up his non viable ‘business’.

You are working a regular job, that believes in beneath him….

This^ is a very good advice. Don’t try to change him, it’s too late, he is a grown up man and had his chance to show his true colours to you. And he did!
Pleading and begging??? I thought he just didn’t ask your opinion but it’s even worse he didn't listen you at all.
Think about children, they have chance now when you are not completely exhausted by this life. The more you wait the worse it will be.

That HE believes is beneath him

Op can I ask, your living with his family is this so you can save, or is p waiting for inheritance before he provides for his family, nice home, bills paid monthly,

Do you help towards living with family , only asking as ' when will he take responsibility for you and children and make a home for you all,
Are you happy living with family op, this reads like a long term plan by p , but in the meantime what about you, your children schools, having friends over, were are your family op are they around to support you

Definitely cancel wedding in my opinion.

Do you want to marry somebody who basically doesn’t want to work? Even the inheritance thing is his family ensuring he doesn’t have to work. It’s really unattractive.

DH does not like working (was not clear before we got married, he had always earned well). He has taken multiple years’ sabbaticals over the past 20 years - for his MH, to write a novel (of course he never wrote it), to set up his own business (never did anything about it, just stopped work for 12 months), and for various other self-indulgent projects.

It makes me tear my hair out. It is the biggest stressor on our relationship. We have absolutely separate finances, separate savings, I own the house outright, and I have a hard line that I will not sub him at all - because if I did, I do not think he would ever work again. At least DH is solvent though - he has never had any kind of debt.

Do not marry this man. You can stay in a relationship with him, but you do not want any financial entanglements.

Not much to add but I think this goes way beyond not marrying him; for me, this would be about making a solid plan to get myself financially stable and leave (even if that took time and meant hiding things from him).

I would not marry him under any circumstances. Men like this do not change. It isn't pride he’s displaying, by the way. Its childish and abusive defensiveness rooted in a deep sense of inadequacy.

As said by others, phone Women’s Aid as they are experts in the kind of abuse you e suffered; it is abuse - he had made you financially intertwined with him to your significant detriment and, in your own words ‘rinses’ you each month. You’re expected to have a stable job, but he won’t lower himself to that. Of course, he will square all of this with himself and won’t see it this way (e.g. he’s a maverick, people don’t understand him, he’s just too independent/strong-minded to work for someone else, etc.) but he is fundamentally selfish and inadequate. Therefore he cannot, by definition, be described as a good man or a good father. Just because there are worse men out there, don’t think that he isn’t terrible, because he is. He is not a grown up; you do not have a partnership.

My advice would be:

1. Try to acknowledge to yourself that this is not in any way a partnership. He is dragging you down. It’s already very serious financially and will only get worse. You have, essentially, another child on your hands but one with the capacity to destroy you.
2. Look up sunk cost fallacy - and don’t fall for it. Regardless of what you’ve ‘invested’ so far (emotionally, financially), do not invest more.
3. As PPs have said, make sure you have your own bank accounts inaccessible by him.
4. Stop funding his business at all - full stop. You cannot get out of this situation if you don’t do this.
5. Use Money Saving Expert and similar to look at ways to build your credit score. Get as much as you can into savings.

Doing the above will make you feel a lot better. You can then start making concrete plans to leave. You deserve better.

@Omgblueskys I don't quite understand what you are saying sorry.

But if you are asking I financially contribute I don't, not because I don't want but because I am unable to since every month I'm in the minus due to keeping us afloat. I have said to partner that I feel bad living here off nothing and he claims the same but then does nothing about his income to stabilise it so we can give something.

So he has basically dragged you down to his level.

If he was going to be the husband you deserve... he would be by now and you wouldn't be on here seeking advice.

He will never be a success as he hasn't got the right attitude or commitment to work hard .... and he certainly hasn't got a "business" head as someone who is financially savvy wouldn't have put you all in this position

What does he bring to the table? Nothing. What would you have if you left him? Nothing, but you would have peace of mind for you and your children.

I cannot imagine my partner putting my children and I in this situation. He is NOT a good father or potential husband.