Do I cancel the wedding?

[Ednaleno]

I feel like I'm at a cross road. Me and dp are due to get married soon. We have 2dc. One being a newborn. Now the wedding is getting closer its made me reflect more on what I want out of marriage and I'm afraid this relationship isn't it.

The pros

Dp is dedicated to our family. He works, cooks, looks after the kids.

He is a good dad. Be it a bit strict but nevertheless.

We can have fun together. We have a lot in common and I enjoy experiencing life with him.

He can be very attentive, has helped me and my family many times when others haven't.

The cons

I am a massive talker. I need communication in a relationship, being with dp has made me realise this. This is because dp does NOT communicate. He hates talks, never initiates any. Which means by default all of our real life big talks come from me, be it positive or negative. It's become so daunting having to constantly be the one that does this. It makes me feel like I'm the only one who cares about things. It also makes our relationship feel very shallow and lacking in substance. I know we can do the good times but I want someone who can also show up during the bad.

He definitely has issues with money. Before I got with him he had debt problems which he didn't tell me about, and then when he did minimised it big time. As a consequence, over the years, his lack of money has meant my money has been drained. He has started up his own business but is still poor with his money choices, this means he usually doesn't earn what he should. It's so taxing financially and has put me in situations. At one point he had a gambling problem that he kept from me and lost us money.

Another big thing is because of his finances we are currently living with family members. For me this isn't sustainable, I want to be out there living our lives independently as a family unit. Although dp says he wants this too, he doesn't show any incentive in trying to work towards leaving. Instead dp has a very blasé attitude that things will fall into place and wants to stay living with said family members until he inherits. He is quite comfortable doing that.

Most of this I blame his upbringing for. As he is used to things falling into his lap rather than working hard for it. Not necessarily that he has been spoiled but that he has been sheltered from any real life issues or hardships. So he just can't deal with it and sticks his head in the sand. Dp's parents have kindly offered to pay off his debts and get him a place, be it this could be ten years down the line. So of course he is now quite happy to perch and wait. I on the other hand am not! I also think it's irresponsible and naive to have all our eggs in one basket and although of course this could happen and that would be great, at the same time anything could go wrong and his parents may not be able to afford to get him a place. Then what?!

All of this is reflective on dp as a person. This is why he got into a gambling problem in the first place. He was looking for a quick fix for money and thought investing would get us there. But of course all it done was lose us loads of money and put us more behind. I warned him so many times but he was convinced it was going to be life changing for us, as he is now convinced that if we sit tight the money he will get from his parents will save us.

With all this in mind, I'm just at my wits end. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him. I love our family unit. I know no one is perfect and everyone has their flaws. It's just choosing whether the pros outweigh the cons right? I just can't decide what to do, but whatever I do decide can't be done lightly. Leaving him would be a massive strain on me (with a baby) and upheaval for DC. Staying is ruining my mental health. Dp won't change. We have been in counselling for our communication (or lack of) problems before. But naturally we always resort back to this. Some insight and perspective will be greatly helpful. Thanks

@SallyDraperGetInHere it is considered a trade job. But it's not a sort after one. People who would seek his services are people with higher incomes or excess money. Which in today's day and age are far and few between. It's also a very over saturated job in our area so cliental is limited. Hence the lack of work and money on his end.

And does he have a book keeper? VAT, insurance, tax, who keeps him on track?

Not rude at all, and actually sensible.

Firstly, weddings cost money, you don’t want to incur more debt.

Next, it may indicate what he’s going to be like long term. It’ll show to him that you’re no longer going to burden the responsibility of the family finances, and you expect him to step up. If this means getting paid employment, so be it, and ditching the business, so be it. Be prepared for kickback from him. He’s used to being a kept man.

Plus putting money aside for NI, tax, pensions etc.

Being with someone who can’t communicate is so very, very lonely. It’s like death by a thousand cuts.

Ask me how I know.

I was going to say that my DH is not a big talker and that his loving behaviour and stable support speak a thousand times louder than words. DH is my absolute rock and we lived with family for a year to save a deposit. However your DHs behaviour is abysmal, he is quite clearly an indulgent freeloader with addiction issues, so lacking in communication skills and more importantly lacking in any meaningful moral compass or ethic to provide financially for his family. It’s unlikely you’ve a stable future with him.

Please don’t marry a gambler, it’s likely a financial nightmare will unfold over the years

No OP, you can't think of it this way. As in being rude. If you marry him with debt, you take on a share of that debt.

I did ask upthread, but why did you decide to get married now? After a seemingly fairly long relationship?

He needs to stop working for himself eg running an unsuccessful business or short contracts. He needs to get a full time job. Why did you dip into your savings to bail him out?

TLDR but skimmed. The money thing means you really shouldn't get married. Can you stay together without marrying? For now. Maybe when he's sorted himself out marrying will be possible. It sounds like a loving relationship. Marriage is a really dumb idea given he is feckless.

Postpone the wedding

see how it goes

If you’re asking the question, that’s your answer. Don’t marry him.

This.

if you stay with him your kids could be like him

Your pro list isn’t a pro list, they are the bare minimum of what a partner and a dad should offer to their family. They’re not above and beyond.

Your cons list is worrying and not something I’d accept.

Don’t marry him. There are lots of reasons why you shouldn’t, including taking on the debt.

Give yourself time. It doesn’t matter what excuse you give him not to marry him. Then it will take the pressure off you and give you thinking time. You owe this to yourself.

To me, him getting defensive and shutting down is a terrible sign. It shows he ls the one controlling the narrative for starters, so how will anything ever get resolved.

As an aside, having a non-communicator is like living with a card board cut out. It’s like having a slow painful death, which gets more painful as time goes on.

Good luck, you sound like you’ve got a lot more going about you. You’re leagues apart 💐

Do not marry him. He will drag you into a pit of despair and ruin your happiness.

Sorry if I’ve missed it in earlier posts, but who is paying for the wedding? It may be that you’re having a very small do at a registry office but if it’s a large scale wedding, how is it being funded?

I have tried to talk to my partner about calling it a day on his business. I feel like giving it over a year is more than enough time to say if it's working or not. He didn't like it one bit and kept me shutting me down. @Lighteningstrikes as you said it's controlling, whether he means for it to be or not. I'm so angry because I've told him massive decisions like these are meant to be decided together which is what being in a partnership is! I'm infuriated that whatever he wants to do he does and he doesn't take into account my say or feelings even though it's affecting my income! He still remains adamant that this is the best option and has said point blank he refuses to go back into contracted work. I don't know what to do anymore.

@Wemdubz the wedding is just at a registry and then going for some lunch afterwards. We have already minimised the wedding to work around expenses twice now. It's hardly costing anything.

It's funny that many on here have said the communication problem they could overlook. Because for me it's just so goddamn lonely. I crave big talks, someone who is emotionally available and able to talk to me about their feelings, someone who checks in with me and our relationship. Anything one sided becomes isolating over time.

I can imagine that if you do get married then your partner will be even more inclined to continue with things as they are; there’s no (in his eyes) incentive to change anything. If I were in your shoes my resentment would just continue to grow.

Men approach communication differently and not so keen on big talks ( ask me how I know) so if you are a big talker ( Im myself) you will have this mismatch as a standard. However, and its a big however, yours sound as a really huge mismatch with basically not listening to you and not respecting your views.
Your financial issues are actually connected with this as well. It didn’t occurred to your DP to consider your needs, wishes, views, interests or whatever.
The first time HE decided to spend all your savings and did it. The second time HE decided to give up his job when you were pregnant. WTF he was thinking??? He is not single he has no right to make this sort of decisions without you. And now he shuts you down when you are talking about the success of his business ( lack of it actually).
Pride? No, arrogance, selfishness and stupidity.
What next ? Secretly spending children birthday money?
It doesn’t matter how normally he behaves occasionally, overall you can’t trust him, you can’t rely on his support for you and children .

P.S. It’s interesting that his business is for richer people. His type never settles for simple jobs where money go in by working hard - day in day out.
Sorry OP but you and children deserve so much better.

@pizzaHeart it's funny you should mention that. I never really looked at it as that way but it definitely fits the bill. As I said with his investing in stocks that lost us money, he is constantly looking for a get rich quick scheme. His justification for taking on this job is that it could earn big bucks, more than any normal 9 to 5 could. And of course that can be the case, if you actually get the work coming in!
When I pull him up on the fact that he went into this business on the wrong foot since he had no savings behind us or equipment for it his response is the same everytime " well we were never going to have that money so there would have never been a good time!" And although yes that may be so, there definitely would have been a more favourable time than during the pregnancy! I've told him so many times that if we couldn't afford it then we couldn't afford it, that was his big red flag that it just WAS NOT doable but he proceeded anyways. Despite my pleading and begging him not to. If I dared to oppose I was seeing as not being supportive and being negative.

And now here we are.... In a financial rut where I am being rinsed every month and his money is going towards materials and equipment.

He wouldn't want to work a stable job with a steady income, because that isn't where the big bucks is (but it's where we would have money in our pocket every month)