Do I cancel the wedding?

[Ednaleno]

I feel like I'm at a cross road. Me and dp are due to get married soon. We have 2dc. One being a newborn. Now the wedding is getting closer its made me reflect more on what I want out of marriage and I'm afraid this relationship isn't it.

The pros

Dp is dedicated to our family. He works, cooks, looks after the kids.

He is a good dad. Be it a bit strict but nevertheless.

We can have fun together. We have a lot in common and I enjoy experiencing life with him.

He can be very attentive, has helped me and my family many times when others haven't.

The cons

I am a massive talker. I need communication in a relationship, being with dp has made me realise this. This is because dp does NOT communicate. He hates talks, never initiates any. Which means by default all of our real life big talks come from me, be it positive or negative. It's become so daunting having to constantly be the one that does this. It makes me feel like I'm the only one who cares about things. It also makes our relationship feel very shallow and lacking in substance. I know we can do the good times but I want someone who can also show up during the bad.

He definitely has issues with money. Before I got with him he had debt problems which he didn't tell me about, and then when he did minimised it big time. As a consequence, over the years, his lack of money has meant my money has been drained. He has started up his own business but is still poor with his money choices, this means he usually doesn't earn what he should. It's so taxing financially and has put me in situations. At one point he had a gambling problem that he kept from me and lost us money.

Another big thing is because of his finances we are currently living with family members. For me this isn't sustainable, I want to be out there living our lives independently as a family unit. Although dp says he wants this too, he doesn't show any incentive in trying to work towards leaving. Instead dp has a very blasé attitude that things will fall into place and wants to stay living with said family members until he inherits. He is quite comfortable doing that.

Most of this I blame his upbringing for. As he is used to things falling into his lap rather than working hard for it. Not necessarily that he has been spoiled but that he has been sheltered from any real life issues or hardships. So he just can't deal with it and sticks his head in the sand. Dp's parents have kindly offered to pay off his debts and get him a place, be it this could be ten years down the line. So of course he is now quite happy to perch and wait. I on the other hand am not! I also think it's irresponsible and naive to have all our eggs in one basket and although of course this could happen and that would be great, at the same time anything could go wrong and his parents may not be able to afford to get him a place. Then what?!

All of this is reflective on dp as a person. This is why he got into a gambling problem in the first place. He was looking for a quick fix for money and thought investing would get us there. But of course all it done was lose us loads of money and put us more behind. I warned him so many times but he was convinced it was going to be life changing for us, as he is now convinced that if we sit tight the money he will get from his parents will save us.

With all this in mind, I'm just at my wits end. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him. I love our family unit. I know no one is perfect and everyone has their flaws. It's just choosing whether the pros outweigh the cons right? I just can't decide what to do, but whatever I do decide can't be done lightly. Leaving him would be a massive strain on me (with a baby) and upheaval for DC. Staying is ruining my mental health. Dp won't change. We have been in counselling for our communication (or lack of) problems before. But naturally we always resort back to this. Some insight and perspective will be greatly helpful. Thanks

I meant ' do you both contribute to living with his family ie, electric, rent, food, but you're answered this op, you need financial stilbillity, your own home weather rental or mortgage, were do you see yourself in 5 years time op,
his family are happy to pay off some debts, your supporting him each month , I feel you all need to grow as a family and build finances as you grow, were did you live before the children came along? Are your plans to stay with his family,

'What if he does well after you leave him'?

Yes, there is a slight possibility of that, just as there is a slight possibility of one of you winning the lottery, or of many other things happening.

But there is a much greater chance of him continuing to bleed money for years to come. Including yours if you stay with him. Plus, even if he does fall on his feet via inheritance or similar, he will still fritter or gamble the money away over time (do you really think he'll listen to you if it's 'his' money?). So an inheritance will just delay the inevitable and you will become a 40/50/60 year old who is bitter and financially poor.

On the other hand, if you quietly stash whatever money you can over the next few months, then leave, set up your own home and work hard, in time you will be financially secure and independent. You'll be in control of your own future and of your happiness, with your two lovely children.

I know what I'd choose.

This is why you can't communicate with him. Because he doesn't want to delve into his choices with you. He just wants to do what he has decided is the way out of his financial situation. He knows that discussing it with you will mean listening to the problems its causing you and he doesn't want to do that because he doesn't want to have to try to justify the unjustifiable.

In the meantime you have depleted your savings and using all your remaining income to keep an unsustainable business afloat, living on nothing with relatives with a new baby

and you had no real say in any of this.

Under your financial circumstances and the lack of any agreement on them, it does seem to me (as an outsider) that postponing a very pared down wedding until things are more stable and you've gotten over the birth of new baby is actually a good idea.

My first thought was that your list of cons far outweighs your list of pros.

At one point he had a gambling habit that he kept from you. That would be enough for me to end the relationship.

If you’re lonely in your relationship and with an emotionally immature ex gambler who doesn’t want to work as a team, do NOT marry him. Do not tie yourself to him, his debts, his way of life. If unsure, give it another year dating.

Actually, don’t marry, find a part time job, secretly save a deposit and leave asap.

I think the communication thing is deeper then just talking, it’s about feeling like a team regardless of the type of communication.

I would definitely postpone the wedding. Get that out of the way, so you can take the pressure off.

His appalling decision-making and poor timing got you into your current financial difficulties. He chose the worst possible time to give up steady income to run his own business, just as you were growing your family, when in reality he should have been minimising risk, not maximising it! And to add insult to injury, he's sponging off his family so he doesn't have to be an adult, taking the easy way out.

Once you've postponed the wedding, you need to have the in-depth conversation about your future, not least of all the future of your children. If you split up he will still have financial responsibility for his children, so the choice is his whether he will take a man up pill and get a stable job with income, or continue to doss at his folks' house. If he doesn't seem to take what you say seriously, I'd plan towards finding your own place and get rid of this millstone round your neck.

My ex's parent was like this. Always looking to make a quick buck and not willing to hold down a normal job. The other parent was forced to do the boring job in the office just to keep their heads above water. They went from a large comfortable home to social housing in the end which was easier to get back in the 70's especially when you had a couple of kids. None of the get rich quick schemes came to anything and if it had happened today I am sure they would have split up.

Leopards don't tend to change their spots.

People don’t change. Honestly. He won’t change.