Do I cancel the wedding?

[Ednaleno]

I feel like I'm at a cross road. Me and dp are due to get married soon. We have 2dc. One being a newborn. Now the wedding is getting closer its made me reflect more on what I want out of marriage and I'm afraid this relationship isn't it.

The pros

Dp is dedicated to our family. He works, cooks, looks after the kids.

He is a good dad. Be it a bit strict but nevertheless.

We can have fun together. We have a lot in common and I enjoy experiencing life with him.

He can be very attentive, has helped me and my family many times when others haven't.

The cons

I am a massive talker. I need communication in a relationship, being with dp has made me realise this. This is because dp does NOT communicate. He hates talks, never initiates any. Which means by default all of our real life big talks come from me, be it positive or negative. It's become so daunting having to constantly be the one that does this. It makes me feel like I'm the only one who cares about things. It also makes our relationship feel very shallow and lacking in substance. I know we can do the good times but I want someone who can also show up during the bad.

He definitely has issues with money. Before I got with him he had debt problems which he didn't tell me about, and then when he did minimised it big time. As a consequence, over the years, his lack of money has meant my money has been drained. He has started up his own business but is still poor with his money choices, this means he usually doesn't earn what he should. It's so taxing financially and has put me in situations. At one point he had a gambling problem that he kept from me and lost us money.

Another big thing is because of his finances we are currently living with family members. For me this isn't sustainable, I want to be out there living our lives independently as a family unit. Although dp says he wants this too, he doesn't show any incentive in trying to work towards leaving. Instead dp has a very blasé attitude that things will fall into place and wants to stay living with said family members until he inherits. He is quite comfortable doing that.

Most of this I blame his upbringing for. As he is used to things falling into his lap rather than working hard for it. Not necessarily that he has been spoiled but that he has been sheltered from any real life issues or hardships. So he just can't deal with it and sticks his head in the sand. Dp's parents have kindly offered to pay off his debts and get him a place, be it this could be ten years down the line. So of course he is now quite happy to perch and wait. I on the other hand am not! I also think it's irresponsible and naive to have all our eggs in one basket and although of course this could happen and that would be great, at the same time anything could go wrong and his parents may not be able to afford to get him a place. Then what?!

All of this is reflective on dp as a person. This is why he got into a gambling problem in the first place. He was looking for a quick fix for money and thought investing would get us there. But of course all it done was lose us loads of money and put us more behind. I warned him so many times but he was convinced it was going to be life changing for us, as he is now convinced that if we sit tight the money he will get from his parents will save us.

With all this in mind, I'm just at my wits end. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him. I love our family unit. I know no one is perfect and everyone has their flaws. It's just choosing whether the pros outweigh the cons right? I just can't decide what to do, but whatever I do decide can't be done lightly. Leaving him would be a massive strain on me (with a baby) and upheaval for DC. Staying is ruining my mental health. Dp won't change. We have been in counselling for our communication (or lack of) problems before. But naturally we always resort back to this. Some insight and perspective will be greatly helpful. Thanks

Run, it won't get better.

As an aside i can never understand people having a baby while they live with family members, I'm assuming you didn't involve them in your family planning decisions so it's bonkers to say, yes we're all living with you and now we're forcing you to live with a baby too.

Well—look at the situation practically. His family have lots of money. So narry him, try to move up the timeline to get the debts paid off and the house bought, then divorce him and take half the assets. Support your children—because he won’t—with this money and live apart.

I don’t think he can straighten up and function like a good person for another woman (since this is bothering you) but for sure he will never figure out how to adult for you. Because he has had two children with you and doesn’t give a flying fuck about any of you now. Future him will not be any different. You will just be older, sadder, and more stressed.

OP, how long have you been together ?

I assume a good few years due to the children, but what has prompted the marriage after all this time?

I wouldn't marry him, as look at your list. Way more cons than pros.

I understand what you are saying that there is a chance things may fall into place and your housing and financial issues may be alleviated.

I see also that he doesn't seem to have a gambling problem, it is more like a no financial sense problem.

You have a newborn. Why not cancel the wedding (cite financial issues for now) and then make a serious ultimatum. Maybe a year, that he needs to have a stable income, and solid plans to move away from family housing you.

If he cannot make tracks to secure this in a year, then the answer is there. In that year, you start planning for yourself for the worse case scenario going forward.

Whatever happens though, cancel the wedding. Don't marry during these circumstances.

He's relying on an inheritance, but an inheritance is not guaranteed. His DP could end up needing a care home in their dotage, and that can deplete an inheritance to nothing.

Are his DP old and infirm OP? If not, they could end up living many years yet. How can you bear living in someone else's home and not having your own space? I do wonder why you had a new baby with him but that's by the by now.

I would use the wedding money for a house deposit - surely that's more sensible?

If his business isn't bringing in money, he needs to get back into paid employment. It really is that simple.

I went self employed 12 years ago, and apart from the first few months when I was advertising and leafleting, it has brought in a solid income every month. If it didn't, I would be seeking a job.

Oh and re inheritance, who knows how long his parents will live? My DH's parent is extremely wealthy, but also very healthy at almost 80 y/o. The men tend to live until about 95 in his family, so DH will be 70 by the time he inherits, and his sibling (who is absolutely broke) will be mid 70's. It's too late to be of much help by then.

My advice would not be to make any decisions within hay least a year of having a baby. Possibly 18 months. Can you push back the wedding by a couple of years? My other advice would be not to expect him to change, your circumstances might, which might help, but he won't. Is that someone you want? Can you talk to his parents about helping you get a place and what that realistically looks like?

Isn't this something you should have thought about before having 2 kids with him and agreeing to get married?

Sounds like your partner has a lot of growing up to do, and that will not happen unless you two move away from under his parental protective wings, and he starts working on the things that are hindering him in thriving. If you two are to make it.

But.

Sounds like he likes the home comforts of someone else home as then he does not need to live up to the stresses of everyday responsibility. There are many out there like that. He will not learn or want to do things differently until he is faced with major life altering decisions that are initiated by you, for the two of you able to moving forward.

But then again, do you want to live a life where you are constantly having to remind him of your needs and value? Because every time you are having to voice them, the relationship kind of looses its balance and worth.

As hard as it is, it sounds like you are weighing up solid reasons for why you think tying yourself to someone who is so financially unstable, and I say good on you because he will drain you in the end, and you may never recover from that if you then decide to divorce later on. And you need to think ahead on that as you are doing.

He is not a good financial investment, and it sounds as though he lacks the excitement for saving for the bigger things in life, but gets all excited at the thought of having money to spend when they enter his pockets, then gets in a panic knowing what he has done, and the cycle continues.

Sounds like you are way ahead of him, and I am afraid, by the sounds of things from you OP, that he will be repeating this money pattern, not talking, regardless of what you say or do. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make them drink it.

Marry someone with unresolved gambling issues is a path to ruin.

you can’t send the kids back but do not financially tie yourself to this man and his debts

Quite.

I’m sorry, but that’s just plain irresponsible. You’re pregnant, about to go on maternity leave, and he leaves regular paid employment, to start up his own business, with no guarantee of success, or a regular income, and it’s okay if he has a fallow month, because @Ednaleno or his parents will pick up the slack. He’s not even making any plans to provide a home for his family.

i’m curious, what’s his business?

Make concrete plans to get rid off his debts, save for a deposit, provide for his growing family. Not coast, expecting his parents or partner to pick up the slack. He has responsibilities now.

Does his business make any real money? Do the good months provide enough income to cover the poor months. You say he’s been running it for a year now. Has he earnt more than the National minimal wage in that time? Has he put money aside to pay his National insurance and tax? Etc

Jesus no. Don’t marry this lying, gambling, workshy shit show of a man.

He’s pathetic.

Someone like him needs to marry into money. To pay for his hobbies while he tootles along in life.

Just to point out majority of men ain't great talkers like women lol

As someone who is currently sat trying to pack belongings to separate from ex-DH who had doubts before the wedding, if you are not 100% certain that he is the right one for you (and I'm not surprised from what you've written!) please please do not marry him

Presumably you are on maternity leave now, but what is your salary like? How feasible is it going to be funding a single parent life without much financial support from your ex-partner ?

I would postpone the wedding so you have more time to think about it when you’re not still sleep deprived/emotional from having a baby. Wait till you’re back at work and start saving so you have the means to rent a place for you and the kids.

I wouldn’t trust any man that decides to quit to his job whilst you are pregnant without any savings/ proper plan and expects to rely on you/his parents. He’s not thinking of the best interests of his family.

Remember, marriage is primarily a legal and financial union. And that is all.

It can also be a grand public commitment, a romantic symbol, an emotional day etc etc. But first and foremost it merges all your assets and future earnings. And debts.

So, in your shoes id separate the issues.

Money? You dont like or trust his approach, so don't form a legal and financial merger with him. So delay/cancel the wedding.

Partnership? Happy on a day to day basic - cool, you can stay together in the current situation and share time. Maybe turn the wedding into blessing ceremony with the kids, valuing what is working.

Communication and future goals: something to work on and probably the ultimate decider if whether you have a future or not, but not something you can fix fast or probably with small DC!

Good luck, OP

Marriage is a financial decision. A financial contract you are happy to give him 50% of everything you earn or save from now on. That if you split up his debts will be repaid first before you get a penny.

You are incompatible as have different attitudes to work, responsibility and money. I married someone like this and assumed he’d grow up (he’d just landed a good job so seemed he had). He quit the job when it became too ‘boring’ and expected me to support his self employed vanity projects from then on. I stayed too long but luckily walked away with a good %. I could have done much worse.

The peace of mind of knowing what your financial situation is and not being ambushed by someone else is worth a lot. It’s the constant uncertainty and being unable to plan that drags you down. And the resentment kills the relationship anyway.

It’s rarely financially worthwhile for a higher earner to marry a lower earner. His family will always protect their money and probably seek to ringfence it for him. Rich families are good at doing this - just because he inherits doesn’t mean it won’t be put in trusts etc. you won’t get your savings back. Those are sunk costs.

I was financially better off when I got rid. It wasn’t easy being a single parent but it was mentally less draining and I will own my own house eventually and have something to show for my hard work.

Thanks everyone. A lot to think about. I'm scared to do anything drastic as some days my feelings towards this all are a worse than others, which makes me think the hormones could be amplifying things (as well as a worn out tolerance).

I think this thread has given me a space to reflect on what marriage truly means. You are all right that as well as legal it is a financial bonding and at the moment I don't want to be anymore intertwined and weighed down with his.

Would it be rude of me to tell dp I want to postpone the wedding at least until his debt is cleared?

I can't imagine he receiving any of this well.... As I said before talking is not his strong point. But as well as that he as a tendency to take anything negative as a personal attack and will shut down. The guy has a lot of pride ironically!

Does he have a book keeper for his business? You’d worry if he doesn’t … Is his business a trade, like something where you build a base up and get busier, or does it rely him to be a go-getter? Cos he doesn’t sound like a go getter …