Husband refusing 2nd child

[Whatisthisallabout1]

My husband swings between absolutely not having another child and maybe we can have another. Our daughter is nearly 7, I have been firmly on the need another child band wagon for 3/4 years. I feel like he said not just now for a while then this changed. I had a miscarriage in feb last year, he said we could try again but has since back tracked. I’m so unhappy and depressed over it I’m in therapy - he refuses to attend. He has lots of reasons, money, mental health (says wants an easy life) aging parents ect as to why no more children. My heart aches and I cry most days. I can’t help feel that he is ruining my life, my child’s life with no siblings. I’m 38 soon and really want to leave, but I’m scared I don’t find someone in time- but if I’d left sooner I might be happy and settled by now. He refuses couples counselling. I am starting to hate his existence. Do I just leave and try and be happy?

I think this is really unfair....he has pulled OP through the emotional wringer.He clearly wanted another child enough for you to get pregnant before, then sadly OP miscarried, but to get her hopes up then dash them is plain cruel.They would have a 2nd baby by now if that pregnancy had been successful, so why he is so against it now I don't understand.
Is he scared of it happening again OP?

It sounds like it's kind of a deal breaker for you tbh, and like you would always resent him for it if you stay together but he digs his heels in and says no.

What does your daughter think? I know many on here seem to disregard children's opinions in big decisions such as new babies and house moves, but personally I think their feelings should at least be heard when it comes to anything that will bring a massive change in their lives.Does she want a sibling?

I feel like people always want to rubbish the second child option to make OP or themselves feel better. I have seven years between my boys. They are lovely together. I am the oldest of a very large family and the ones I am closest to are the ones 8+ years younger than me. DH is seven years younger than his next closest sibling and they get along great. OP needs to make her decision knowing that it may not turn out well, but she also needs to make it knowing that it might turn out amazing.

I wanted a sibling for my son and I wanted another child, and no amount of people telling me they weren't close to their siblings/ kids with age gaps don't play together (bullshit, I did as a kid and my kids do now, it's different but still awesome) would have changed my mind.

OP should leave her husband anyway because he's mean.

I think I would want to leave with such behavior directed to me and a refusal to engage in marraige counseling - so doen't care I'm unhappy or want to imporve things - well I'd be thinking hard about move on - base on just that not the argument about another child.

Not sure I'd actaullly want sex with such a man let alone to being another kid into such a relationship.

Why do people always assume "different life stage" means the relationship is not important or rewarding? Absolutely not my experience. Not how humans did socialising for millennia, either. I wonder if it's schools that have given people this idea that siblings should be close in age for it to have any point.

I would leave and have another child using a sperm donor.

Op I’ve read your update and you sound unhappy with your husband and ready to leave. I totally get that.
But honestly you need to focus on this then and building stability for your current child in the mess that divorce creates.
But with all your posts taken together you sound like your emotions are everywhere as even though you say he’s almost abusive you sound like if he turned around and said yes to TTC you’d be all in and quite happy. Or that even if you split your first action might be to fall in love with next man and TTC or go a sperm bank. It doesn’t sound at all rational or healthy and still honestly makes me wonder are you depressed.

i have many friends who wanted more children or specifically a girl and had

boys etc. They did not want to blow up their current life when partner said to stop TTC.

I have known people in abusive relationships and they did not want a baby with current abusive partner or be talking about leaving and running straight to sperm bank…

Honestly op please go see your gp and just check you are ok. If you leave your husband do it for right reasons and be rational and emotionally stable for your current child first

I think it's hard to take the OP's assessment at face value given that she's also desperate for this terrible man she hates to give her a baby, and is so tunnel-visioned on this issue that I can't imagine for a moment this is a balanced view. To cite instances like their takes on attending baby showers as an example - how often does this really happen and yet it's getting all this significance because of the preoccupation with this second baby. OP can and should leave if she hates him so much, there's no question about that if what she's saying is true. But in truth, it feels like the real driver for staying is this fear that he'll be the one who goes on to have more DC and that says a lot about OP's state of mind. I agree with the PP who says this sounds more like depression and needs treating that way. It's not a situation where a baby from anywhere at any cost will magic the problems away, not without spawning a load more bigger problems.

You're not being unreasonable to want a 2nd child! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise or feel guilty.

It is the desire of the majority of parents out there.

I would say however, that your relationship as you describe it does not sound like a good place to bring another child into.....from what you say your DH is arrogant, selfish and unsupportive.Do you really want to make him the dad of another of your children?
So I'm not sure it's as simple as if he agrees to another baby your problems will all be fixed.

Could the challenges within your relationship be why he is now hesitant?

Or could he be enjoying having control here?

In my opinion your relationship is already over OP.

He keeps changing his mind over something very important to you

He doesn't seem to care that you're desperately unhappy. In your last update you said he gives you no support and mocks you when you cry

He won't do anything constructive to try and help things like go to counselling

In this scenario even if he turned round and said he wanted another child, I think the best thing for you would be to separate as this does not seem like a healthy relationship

@Jorgua

'he is ruining my life, my child’s life with no siblings.'

but will her daughter's life really really be ruined without siblings ?

right now a baby will not enhance her life that much, and she will no longer have 100% of time and attention from mum or dad, in 7 years time she will be a teenager thinking about boyfriends ? not her primary aged sibling, in 14 years time she will be finishing Uni whereas this sibling will be at school etc.

It will not ' ruin ' her daughter's life not to have siblings, thousands of children are only children. some by choice i.e. one and done, many not by choice as in the Op's case.

Now due to the husband's Indecisions / deceit the daughter could face years of shared care / co parenting as will the Op.

Genuine question in situations like this - why does your ‘need’ for another child outweigh your husband’s desire to not have any more children?

Taking away the fact that it sounds like he hasn’t handled it very well, ultimately he is not responsible for your happiness and fulfilment especially when from the sounds of it it would be at the detriment of his own. He can’t help how he feels, nor can you, but why is he the one who is expected to compromise?

In truth, you’re not on the same page on a very fundamental life choice so the simple answer is to split. But the resentment, loathing and bitterness towards him is completely unjustified as if he did agree just to make you happy, he would likely then have the same feelings as you but with an innocent child brought into the mix.

I say all of this from the other side of the situation - I am more than happy with one and done and categorically do not want any more. My husband always wanted 2, I was unsure but for a host of reasons since having DC I know I absolutely wouldn’t want another. Am I therefore deserving of everything you’ve said about your husband in that situation? For me, I was very clear once I’d made my decision. As heartbroken as I would have been had he decided to leave to find it somewhere else, I also would have 1000x preferred that than him stay with me and harbour the feelings you have. Luckily for me he’s decided our little family now is more important to him than a hypothetical 2nd child.

ETA - there is also no guarantee whatsoever that a sibling is an ally for life. Ironically, I do have a sibling who is my best friend but my husband hasn’t spoken to his siblings in years, and I’ve got multiple friends who’s sibling relationships range from indifferent to downright toxic. So I think you need to be realistic that even giving your DD a sibling absolutely doesn’t mean they will have the idealistic relationship you’re envisaging.

It sounds as though you have more problems in your marriage than just wanting another child. The fact that you would consider leaving your husband over it and trying elsewhere illustrates that. If the pair of you were happy in other ways and loved each other you'd get past this. It would certainly be a very bad idea to bring another child into this marriage right now.

Your husband's misgivings are quite valid.

Why not just concentrate on what you have rather than hankering after more. The three of you could have a good life.

This.

'I was left to go through a miscarriage of a very much longed for baby on my own, while he was relieved.'

sadly that says it all, and it is at that point I would have ended the marriage.

I think it's so incredibly selfish to split your existing child family up, for a hypothetical future child.

I understand the yearning for a child I really do. But please don't base high life long decisions which come with pain and heartache on a hypothetical child.

This is really hard OP. I have 1 DD12 and I remember I really wanted so desperately to have another baby. When she was 10 months I found out I was pregnant I was over the moon. My ex was not so much. I told him I was keeping the baby with or without him. We unfortunately miscarried and after he told me he absolutely wanted no more children. A couple years later and his attitude was the same so I decided well we are done. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t at least give me the chance to have another child. Fast forward 9 years I still have 1 child and he went on to have another child with his wife. I was so so angry when I found out she was pregnant like I mean FUMING! Even though I have the best partner in the world I was so upset. I have decided to not have anymore as my DD is older my partners kids are 13 & 5 and he’s 10 years older than me. We suffered miscarriage in May and this is my third miscarriage and it hit me the hardest. Please just think about your decisions. Even though I have no feelings towards my ex infect I’d go as far to say I can’t stand him he’s a massive knob (for other reasons) it still hurt he refused to have more children, and has another and according to my DD they want more. X

That's exactly what he's doing. And you know it.

Hence he was even obviously relieved when you miscarried and didn't support you at all emotionally or otherwise. And mocks your tears.

I would leave him and go it alone rather than stay with someone who clearly doesn't love you and have your back, and his treatment of you is showing you he doesn't. Sounds like he doesn't even like you very much tbh

Sorry op, it’s not your DH’s fault that you feel you can’t go to baby showers.

Also, why are your needs more important than your DH’s real concerns about mental health, but also money etc. Do you acknowledge his concerns are valid?

Hmm, yes I found this mindset strange also. Also, OP has framed her moving out as being forever bitter and resentful to the same extent as staying with DH but how can she know that? And if she is so sure she will stay like that then that’s more harmful I’d think to DC than being an only child.

I'd say there's no way back from this if this is how you feel. Having another child isn't going to fix all of these deep seated issues in your marriage. If anything they will only get worse.

I honestly think your marriage has run its course based on what you have posted here.

On top of this, i’m also thinking it’s going round in circles of OP hating her DH because he doesn’t want another child, but also really, having another child with someone you hate isn’t a great idea either is it.

You say you hate him so much but want another child with him. I think having a child with someone you say you hate is probably one of the worst ideas ever.

Stop using your daughter as the reason.
His decision is as valid as yours.
Dont force someone in to having a child they dont want... it wont end well.

Yeah, he’s a cunt. Leave him for that reason alone.

The other poster was right, he’s doing this deliberately to prevent you leaving and having any more children. It’s all calculated.

Leave, either meet someone or use a donor, have a happy unit with your lovely children. Forget the horrible, selfish, cruel twat you were once married to.

Please please dont label an only child's experience as 'horrible.' You are sounding ridiculously judgemental of families with only one child at this point.

my daughter is an only child. Im a single parent. She has a fucking fabulous life. Nothing horrible about it.