Husband refusing 2nd child

[Whatisthisallabout1]

My husband swings between absolutely not having another child and maybe we can have another. Our daughter is nearly 7, I have been firmly on the need another child band wagon for 3/4 years. I feel like he said not just now for a while then this changed. I had a miscarriage in feb last year, he said we could try again but has since back tracked. I’m so unhappy and depressed over it I’m in therapy - he refuses to attend. He has lots of reasons, money, mental health (says wants an easy life) aging parents ect as to why no more children. My heart aches and I cry most days. I can’t help feel that he is ruining my life, my child’s life with no siblings. I’m 38 soon and really want to leave, but I’m scared I don’t find someone in time- but if I’d left sooner I might be happy and settled by now. He refuses couples counselling. I am starting to hate his existence. Do I just leave and try and be happy?

I’m not piling - you’ve said nothing particularly controversial here!

@slippingdowntheabyss

there are plenty of other reasons why some women only want one kid besides money! Some women just don’t wanna go all the sleepless nights stuff etc again

It’s not a happy marriage- this along with what has come with it has driven a wedge. I see my husband as a source of my unhappiness, I resent that he chooses to mock my tears, I hate that I can’t attend any social events baby showers ect and when I refuse to go it get met with aggression around how I am the terrible person. I need his support the most but he has refused it completely. I was left to go through a miscarriage of a very much longed for baby on my own, while he was relieved.

I'm not saying couples counselling would work. I am saying that her husbands refusal suggest they don't have the strongest of marriages as he isn't putting much effort into finding a solution. There is nothing strange about wanting 2 DC, many people have two children. I don't think telling the OP to put up and shut up is in the best interests of her child.

So leave

If you resent him now I can’t see it improving.

Whether or not you find another partner in time or not, you sound like you do not love him anymore regardless.

if this is the truth, then you need to split shaving forward in life with optimism and the joy of not being married to someone you currently despise

Ah well while I very strongly am in the camp of kids don’t necessarily need siblings, the first half of your very first sentence on this posts tells me that I feel you need to end the marriage. You are potentially young enough to meet someone else and have another baby Good luck with it all!

Are you the DH? The man sounds awful. He mocks her grief. He is verbally aggressive. He didn’t support her through her miscarriage. He refuses therapy.

what does this man bring to the table as he’s sounding pretty awful

If you are doing sex, you might get pregnant. Do you do sex and is he hypervigilant ....

Is he using condoms or are you expected to be responsible for contraceptive?

OP gently you have put yourself in a self perpetuating spiral of grief and only seeing the points that suit your narrative.

Breathe and take a step back. Your child’s life isn’t ruined. Seriously. With at least an 8-9 year age gap I’m sorry to point out the obvious but by the time the younger one could play the older one wouldnt n necessarily want to.

You are choosing to be this upset and counselling is better served to find out why you aren’t happy with what you already have - with all the heartbreak and crying are you being the best mum you can be to your daughter?

I agree with this.
you are more than a parent, a second child isn’t related to your own value - why is it so utterly important to you..? There’s more to this. Having one child is ok. Having no children is ok. I feel you have some deep issues here.. it’s normal to feel broody and want children; but if it can’t or doesn’t happen it’s not something that should cause this much distress imo..

Agreed! I have one child - a second one just never happened. We have a great time as a family.

There are 10 years between me and my brother and we aren’t close.

It’s fine to have these feelings but OP has to be causing her daughter distress by crying all the time and being miserable. I imagine in the future, her daughter may well feel that she ‘wasn’t enough ’ for her mother. That’s really said,

OP can leave and have another child, as is her prerogative but don’t suggest this is for her daughter’s benefit. It’s for OP’s happiness. Will another one be enough?!

Deleted as it posted twice

And yet you want another child with him?

I wondered if you feel you’ve ticked off all the boxes earnings wise and now you want a second and he won’t play ball - well you could leave him and have a second baby alone with a donor.. not ideal but you’d have your two children. If you can survive well financially without him and it’s really the entire point of your existence in your mind, maybe it’s worth considering… I’d say you aren’t in a happy marriage and you’ll just continue resenting him tbh.

To be honest, if my DH had said no to a second child I would have left him. If you have your heart set on having multiple children and he takes that opportunity away from you then you will grow resentful and bitter towards him. That would be bad for your existing child. Unfortunately it is a time sensitive matter for women, so I’d hit the road and find a new man who’s open to another child. Blended families can be hard, but if you really want multiple children then you’re just going to have to take that risk.

He sounds pretty horrible and completely lacking in empathy. If he couldn't conceal his delight and relief when you had a miscarriage, I don't see how your marriage can survive. You will be happier without him, whether you end up having another baby or not.

Get some relationship counselling and work through this in your sessions. You don't need your partner to attend to have relationship- focused counselling. Sounds like you have a difficult decision to make and need some professional guidance aroind it.

Your grandkids will only not get cousins if your dd marries another only child. This is assuming everyone has kids, but that might not happen even if she did have a sibling.

If you leave your husband to have another kid, You might have to settle with someone who you don’t really love, or don’t really fancy, are you really ok with that…?

Slightly different perspective here OP.
We had a surprise baby quite early into our relationship. DH always wanted a big family and I was keen too. After a couple of years we started trying again, but then lockdown happened and he was furloughed so we decided to pause until his job and our finances were better. After that, we both had some medical issues which paused it longer. By the time we were in a position to do it, he had changed his mind. DS was 6 and we were starting to get our lives back. We had money for family holidays, enough to spoil him at Xmas and birthdays, enough to buy a nicer house... I understood all his reasons but it was hard to accept. Ultimately it came down to choosing between the family and life that I had, or a 'maybe' life with someone else. I loved (and still love) my DH too much to not be with him, and I adored our family and our lives together.
It was sad, I did have to grieve for the second child that never was, I have people ask me all the time why/if we'll have another child, even DS asks why he doesn't have a sibling. It is hard and sometimes I think about the what ifs, but I chose to be thankful for what I do have.

If this is a realistic option - is it the split and custody arrangemnets that are worrying you?

I'm not sure if you hate him why you are staying - as that can't be a great environment to raise existing child in.

I don't think having siblings is the huge plus you are arguing - but if he making you very unhappy generally most posters usually say leaving often better - no idea how true that is but it's usually what's said.

If is just the baby drive pushing the unhappiness then that harder as no guarantee that will go if you leave or you could have the second child and if feeling pass - they often do- you may have regrets.

Not to mention the existing child gets stuck living with her mother's choice of a man, no say in the matter at all.

There's a startling lack of consideration for the child in so many of these posts. "Just get a sperm donor."

Seriously, OP, I would cringe if I wrote posts like you ones you have. "Child's life ruined" because she doesn't have a sibling? Your husband the "source of your unhappiness" because he doesn't want another child? You "cry everyday¨ over this?

Please, get a grip as soon as possible. At this moment, you're the one who is ruining your child's life by being so dramatic and failing to enjoy and appreciate what you have. I know this from personal experience, as I grew up with a mother who would literally cry and scream over spilled milk. I was constantly on edge around her.

You have a (presumably) healthy child. That's a privilege not afforded to everyone. If one parent doesn't want another, it's not going to happen. How would that child feel growing up knowing one of his or her parents didn't want them? It would hurt a lot and children don't have a choice about the environment they live in, but their parents do.

At this moment you are creating such a toxic environment for the child you already have to grow up in. If you truly hate your husband, then separate, rather than stew and let the resentment build up. Also, never let your daughter know that she wasn't enough for you, because that will not help the relationship between the two of you in the long run.