Husband refusing 2nd child

[Whatisthisallabout1]

My husband swings between absolutely not having another child and maybe we can have another. Our daughter is nearly 7, I have been firmly on the need another child band wagon for 3/4 years. I feel like he said not just now for a while then this changed. I had a miscarriage in feb last year, he said we could try again but has since back tracked. I’m so unhappy and depressed over it I’m in therapy - he refuses to attend. He has lots of reasons, money, mental health (says wants an easy life) aging parents ect as to why no more children. My heart aches and I cry most days. I can’t help feel that he is ruining my life, my child’s life with no siblings. I’m 38 soon and really want to leave, but I’m scared I don’t find someone in time- but if I’d left sooner I might be happy and settled by now. He refuses couples counselling. I am starting to hate his existence. Do I just leave and try and be happy?

Has this child expressed any desire at all for a sibling.

Also she cries daily over the same thing. I think a saint would run out of patience with that.

There's too much to unpack here. He's a abusive and mocking, and yet she's desperate for another child with him.

Perhaps he's sick of the demands and and lives revolving around another baby.

You must be real fun to live with. If you are not happy get out of the relationship and no one "needs" a child. You are making this a huge thing when he clearly does not want another. If you two cannot make this relationship work then go your separate ways and stop making each other miserable.

Yeah OP! Do this!

tell your child when they're older that you chose to split up her family because she wasn't enough and you wanted another child. And then tell her that she has to have 2 homes, 2 birthdays and christmasses. That they shiny new brother or sister can be with it's parents full time but she has to split half of her time between 2 homes for good measure. Whilst trying to understand she wasn't good enough?

yeah, live the life you want OP..

I send her for sleepovers with cousins knowing my grandkids will never get the same! It’s horrible

I'd missed this earlier - seriously, you may not have any grandkids. The fixation on tragical fantasy scenarios is a bit unhinged. Instead of seeing your DD enjoying a sleepover, you're focusing on future children she may not have missing out on imagined cousins in sleepovers that don't exist. That's some next level glass-half-empty mindset.

I think herein this comment gives you your answer. Your marriage is over, therefore, you need to start the ball rolling with doing it alone with sperm donation NOW, whilst planning separation.

Agree with another poster, he has deliberately been running down your biological clock, in order to make sure he gets his way. Better to be a single parent than to be with a man who would do this to you. You're both unhappy. End it now and get on the sperm donation/IVF straight away.

All the best.

I totally empathise with that powerful feeling of wanting another child and the frustrating that the other person gets an effective veto. However as someone who encouraged my husband into having one more child than he’d probably have chosen to, I’d urge extreme caution. If you could try and reconcile yourself to the life you currently have and the gift your daughter is, and the gift of having so much uninterrupted time with just her (I don’t have that with my seven year old and feel constantly guilty that she is pushed down the list for time and attention vs her siblings) that would be, I suspect, so much better for you in the long run. Kindly, this is all theoretical - even if you left him and tried for a baby alone, you might not fall pregnant, and even if you did, you really have no idea how challenging - financially, emotionally etc - it would be to parent two children alone. It is worth asking yourself whether you’re so blinded by wanting another snuggly newborn (a phase that really does not last very long!) that you’re not really properly considering the full implications of going this alone. Or embracing the good things about your own, existing life.

You may desperately want a child, but agreeing with other posters, it's not at all necessary for your child to have a sibling, and they won't be missing out from it. I'm an only, I've always been very happy with it, and while I do have cousins, we're not at all close. I also have many friends who have one or more siblings, and I would say that close sibling relationships seem to be the exception far more than the rule. Most seem to see them just a couple of times a year, and some actively don't get on with them. And it's very common for just one sibling to be left with elder care, while the others don't contribute. So don't project all those hypothetical reasons onto your child, please own that it's purely your own desire, and that's fine.

Good for you that your experience as an only child was positive, but that's not the case for everyone and certainly wasn't for me.

I was an only child.I had a lovely childhood in many ways but there was always somebody missing.I would see friends with siblings and desperately wish I had that too....when friends went home i felt empty.I had a big home, big garden, all my parents attention, plenty of money, privelidge and opportunity, and they gave me pets too.
But it didn't make up for being on my own.I used to wish on my birthday cake and when throwing stones in the sea or stirring the Xmas pudding, for a little brother or sister.

As an adult, my father died afew years ago, and all my mum has is me.....I live close and so will be here for her, but if I was someone who wanted to move away, live abroad or something I couldn't have done that without leaving her alone.

When I watch my two children play together, I feel so grateful they have each other....and realise even more what I missed out on.

Yes not all siblings are close, but when the parents foster their relationships and handle conflict well, many are, and they can really enhance childhood and beyond

Just want to reiterate what others have said: not having a sibling will not ruin your child's life and it is offensive to say so.

Besides the fact that many of us have raised happy and balanced only children, a child does not exist to provide care for you in later life.

By all means leave your DH if you're not happy but his reasons seem sound. Is therapy helping you to explore why you are so dead set on another child when you have a family already?

Agree with this. Even having cousins does not guarantee closeness. I have 2 cousins and they live across the world. Op seems to be making a presumption that families stay local?

Op quite honestly I would recommend further counselling or changing therapist as the things you’re saying make me feel your current mindset and how you approach matters isn’t most suited for having a baby right now.

If he's been deliberately running down her biological clock, how come she had a miscarriage only a year ago.
Perhaps he doesn't want to see her go through that again or go through it again himself.

I agree with this.

If I was being constantly pestered when I’d made it clear I didn’t want another child- a huge undertaking- I would get rather defensive about it. Perhaps that’s what’s happening here?

The OP should either leave and take her chances, or learn to live with it, and accept her family of three without rancour or resentment.

Completely agree. I think the OP is offensive and rude. She is having these compulsive thoughts not knowing how harmful they are. I think the OP is being incredibly selfish. The DH hasn't acted great don't get me wrong. But all this hyperbole about not going to baby showers, 'ruining the child's life' etc is just plain ridiculous.

With respect I think you need to seriously consider the impact your current behaviour is having on yourself and you child. You crying everyday and yearning for a life you don’t have is not a happy home environment. If you’ve reached the point that you’re no longer happy with your relationship with your husband in any sense then it seems madness to bring another child into this situation currently. Everyone knows how much babies can bring extra stress and financial pressures. If he suddenly changed his mind and you got pregnant tomorrow can you honestly say you’d be raising a child in a happy home?

You say you ‘feel he is showing nothing but disrespect for your feelings he’s not even compassionate about the situation.’ But nothing in your post suggests you have any respect for his feelings either. I don’t believe anyone should ‘compromise’ when it comes to the decision on whether to have children or not as it ultimately leads to resentment. Sadly sometimes you have to accept that you both want different things and are no longer compatible.

Imagine being that child growing up. Your sibling has a dad who they know and see. Might take the sibling away on holiday. Give them money. The sibling may well inherit from their dad etc. The donor conceived child? Knows nothing about their dad (although they could request the information at 18). They will grow up knowing they could have a lot of other half siblings out there (which they then may track down and end up getting in better with than their live in half sibling).

I’m actually not against donor conception at all. But it needs to be thought about very carefully. It is not an easy option. It has consequences for the child. With them not knowing half their DNA etc. Watch interviews with some DC children and see how some of them struggle with it. It can create feelings similar to being adopted. If you cannot have a child at all then donor conception can make sense. But you need to think of the ways it could affect the child and their family knowing that their sibling DOES know their dad etc. It may be fine. But it needs to be seriously considered.

Then you’ve got the issue of the original child. If they learn their mother left their dad (who I’m sure they love) to have this new baby they may end up resenting their sibling. Children/Teens aren’t always rational. Especially if they feel upset. So it’s very possible the older child may blame the younger one for them not living with their dad anymore.

OP, this has clearly become an unhealthy obsession. Refusing to attend baby showers even though you already have a child is not normal. Plenty of children don't go for sleepovers with their cousins it's not "horrible" that your grandchildren won't get this. In fact, you may never even have grandchildren you're getting way ahead of yourself.

Coming from a bunch of siblings and the joy it brings I always wanted more than one and would never have married if this was not firm, luckily my hubby did to and we have 4 who all adore each other,play together etc...i feel so sad when I see next door playing all alone day in and out with his football nobody to laugh, play with,banter with but I guess it's what your brought up with and get used to

I felt exactly the same when my friends went home, because I was left with my brother who bullied and belittled me. I'd be there on Christmas Day wishing I was an only child so I could enjoy it more.

And I think you'll find the vast majority of elderly parents are cared for by one of their children, with the others not bothering. It's very unlikely you'd be in a different position if you had a sibling, especially a male one.

But you weren't completely unhappy were you.

I had a sibling. My first memories of her ah she taunted me and teased me did everything she could to put me down. She was physically abusive, she slapped me punch me, pull my hair. Pulled faces at me to imitate me and say this is how ugly you are.

If I slept in the morning, she twisted my fingers, punched my back, and eventually dragged me by the arm onto the floor. This was at eight am on a Sunday when nobody had to be out of bed.

She always did it when mum wasn't looking. She told tales on me all the time. She watched me at school and reported me back to mum.For anything she didn't like.

She was never nice to me.And when I was older, I got aggressive with her. Her abusive behavior continued into adulthood, and I ve never forgiven her, and i've cut her off. She has never liked me and I don't know why. She made my childhood a living hell and she took pleasure in it. Once when I broke down in tears and I couldn't cope with it anymore. And told her she'd never been kind to me she pulled a mocking face and said or the poor little baby is reminiscing how pathetic. I was about ten years old at the time

Upon raising it with our mother when we were adults I said why didn't you do something about the way she treated me. My mother said something along the lines of the poor child must have been bullied herself.Therefore, she was acting out her treatment on you. It was rubbish she wasn't bullied.

I could go on, but what's the point. Siblings can be and are pretty bloody awful to each other.

The only comments about needing a sibling have come from the mother. She hasn't once said her daughter wants a sibling.

Some children and siblings get on like a house on fire.Others hate each other's guts. Some only children love it.Some wish they'd had a sibling.

Don't pretend it's about the child. It's entirely about the mother and what she wants.

Let's be honest, a sibling, 9 or 10 years. Younger than her, who isn't even a full blood relation is hardly going to be this child's best friend for the rest of her life. It is not the same as having a full blood sibling, close in age.

you think being an only child will ruin your daughters life? (offensive btw, highly) but breaking up her home will be absolutely fine for her?

grow up.

Yes not all siblings are close, but when the parents foster their relationships and handle conflict well, many are, and they can really enhance childhood and beyond

I think we can safely say the OP's scenario is not going to be like this though. These parents aren't handling conflict well and will split up over this issue, meaning there'll need to be either a step-parent in the mix which is more likely to lead to imbalance in the way the siblings are treated than in this ideal scenario. Or she'll use a sperm donor in which case there'll be no other parent to foster said relationship and even more inequality between the siblings. Again, the pro-sibling-at-all-costs posts cling to the fairytale and not a more grounded reality.

The sleep over point is pathetic. The grandchildren won't have sleep overs together as cousins. They'll be a half sibling relationship and a massive age gap.

Any grand children from the o p s daughter and grandchildren from her future child by another man will be so far apart in age, they will have nothing in common. The cousins will not all be having sleepovers together.

Is it now not ok for anyone to change their mind??

And what about the sperm donor child, realizing his or her sister, goes off to spend time with their dad?And they don't have another parent. Possible jealousy and resentment there.

Maybe they'll enjoy just having mum and no one else.But maybe they won't.

So one child has a dad, and the other doesn’t? How incredibly selfish.

Not when a woman wants a child at all costs.