Husband refusing 2nd child

[Whatisthisallabout1]

My husband swings between absolutely not having another child and maybe we can have another. Our daughter is nearly 7, I have been firmly on the need another child band wagon for 3/4 years. I feel like he said not just now for a while then this changed. I had a miscarriage in feb last year, he said we could try again but has since back tracked. I’m so unhappy and depressed over it I’m in therapy - he refuses to attend. He has lots of reasons, money, mental health (says wants an easy life) aging parents ect as to why no more children. My heart aches and I cry most days. I can’t help feel that he is ruining my life, my child’s life with no siblings. I’m 38 soon and really want to leave, but I’m scared I don’t find someone in time- but if I’d left sooner I might be happy and settled by now. He refuses couples counselling. I am starting to hate his existence. Do I just leave and try and be happy?

I haven’t yet read full thread, but wanted to just mention a few things, from my experience.

It sounds like there are certain things that are reinforcing your feelings about this. I’m in a slightly different situation to you (and my family is now older) - but my kids have never had sleepovers with cousins (I moved away from my home town, and I started my family in my mid-30s, my older siblings all had children in their early 20s, so my kids’ cousins are all around 20 years older than my kids, and live around 100 miles away!).

We have no close family near to us, so we have built up local networks, and my kids have had lots of sleepovers over the years, with friends. (In fact, we have had two sleepovers (with different friends) this week!).

I suppose what I am trying to say is that you really can’t anticipate what your daughter’s circumstances might be when she grows and has a family of her own, she may live a long way away from her extended family, so it may all be a moot point… the majority of people in my networks locally all live a long way away from family, so have established close ties with friends. So the lack of cousins, or a small extended family is not a problem, and shouldn’t make you feel at all bad about having a single child, if that is what will be (either if you stay with your dh or separate).

I have a larger gap between me and my older siblings, 6 & 8 years, and they both moved out of the home when I was about 11, so I ended up sort of being an ‘only child’ anyway for about half of my childhood. They didn’t have too much to do with me when I was younger than 11 either, really (I think I was just the annoying little kid getting in their way!). So the family you imagine (or hope for) may not be what would happen in reality anyway.

My youngest is 12, (my other dc are much older), and I think probably in a year or two we may start bringing one of their friends away with us on holiday for company - as my youngest will in essence become an ‘only child’ very soon..

So try not to let these types of things influence your decision - as others have said, it really boils down to whether you want to stay with your dh or not (and whether you want to keep your family intact, or not - and what exactly is your priority) as there are certainly no guarantees about onward relationships / pregnancy.

It's really selfish when men do this. It seems like a form of control. Will the marriage even survive this anyway? If it was me I would honestly go to a sperm donor and tell him to leave if he doesn't like it. Take back control. Is he a good Father? I often wonder if men like this were actually really shit at bonding with their baby and that's why they can't see how nice the whole thing is.

Leaving won't ruin everyone's lives. Staying will make you unhappy and your child will witness that. She will be happy to have a sibling at the end of the day.

Don't be ridiculous
Op can leave a relationship for any reason she likes .
Mumsnet is always saying that
It's basic biology to want children,we are women it's in our DNA to want children.
No woman should stay in a relationship she doesn't want to be in ,just for a child .

If your daughter’s needs are really your priority, then a happy intact family is far superior to a sibling. There is nothing wrong with being an only child. Breaking up her family to give her a sibling isn’t for her, it’s for you.

you can decide that your needs are the priority. A happy mother can be a better mother. Just be honest with yourself about the choice you are making.

@Hedgehogbrown

its nice but also really fucking hard, he isn’t unreasonable for not wanting to do it all over again

@Pinkelephantridesagain

if it was in our DNA and basic biology then every single woman would want children - they don’t.

@Hedgehogbrown

she might not be happy to have a sibling. She might resent it.

I was an only child ,very lonely
That's why I had 4 DC .
All of our experiences in life are what helps us form our opinions .
A husband can leave at any time ,they have affairs,they don't stay loyal
I'd never prioritise a man over having children
,mine are adults now ,and I absolutely love having them as adult family members,and they are having partners and children themselves,and it's absolutely wonderful,and I'd never of given thus up for a man .
If my husband had said no more after one child,I would of known we were not right for each other .
Luckily mine is easygoing and let me decide how many we had

It’s not cruel. I wanted two children but struggled with pregnancy and childbirth so I don’t want another now. Maybe OP’s DH struggled mentally with the miscarriage and doesn’t want to risk it again especially as this risk increases with age.

Give or take a few
Majority of women have children

@Pinkelephantridesagain

its declining all the time, more and more women are choosing not to.

I have actually read that myself
Yes lots of reasons why I expect

Yeah right, that's the main point of the post. I think you know what's awful in the quoted post and if you don't, you're beyond help.

There's no indication that this is an unhappy marriage other than he doesnt want another baby.

If he did want another baby she wouldn't be considering leaving.

Therefore it is madness to break up an otherwise stable and content marriage over a fantasy child that may never exist.

If your primary want is for your daughter to have a sibling, then why would it be a problem if your husband went on to have children with someone else?
Your daughter would have sibling(s) that way.

That is a really good point - even as part of a thought experiment, it shows that it's not about the sibling issue at all and all about the OP wanting another baby.

Ridiculous post. Will her child really be happy to see her parents divorce, have to move out, see her Dad less for a sibling that she will be much older than?

Will the sibling be happy watching its sister go off to her Dads house whilst wondering why they can’t go too? Will the sibling be upset when their sister is on holiday with her Dad and comes home telling stories of how much fun she’s had?

More likely what will happen is DC will blame baby as being the reason for her parents splitting and resent it. The age gap is too big for her to be running around in the park playing with it. Even if the pregnancy happens pretty much straight away she will be in high school as the child starts primary, and want nothing to do with her annoying sibling.

I agree OP should leave as she seems to hate her DH though.

1 in 5 woman in the UK don't, for a variety of reasons. The majority might indeed have DC, but it's not 'give or take a few'.

Exactly! Just own it OP, it’s not a crime to be selfish @Whatisthisallabout1

we all do stuff for ourselves only sometimes

He's allowed to not want more children.

You are allowed to leave your marriage because you want another child more than you want your marriage.

Staying in a marriage where you hate your husband because he's changed his mind on having kids is harmful to you, to him, to your marriage, and to your existing child. With hate and resentment for your spouse, your marriage is unlikely to last anyway.

The thing is, if you leave your marriage to find a father/sperm donor for another child, you have no guarantees that you would have another child, that a new relationship based on your desire to have another child would work out, and that things would be fine with your ex and existing child who would at some point understand they aren't enough for you.

OP says that she cries every day, hates her husband that he refuses to go to couples counselling. That doesn't sound like a stable relationship to me. Whether she had another baby or not, if she cannot move past the resentment it would be better for her DD if they separated IMO. Then OP can find a life that makes her happy without being consumed with resentment of the man she lives with.

This could be a sign of depression in op though or some other issue like mid life crisis. They had a miscarriage 12 months ago so it wasn’t like her husband just strung her along. It must be very hard to live with someone so all consumed by a want for a second child who cries every day and seems ready to throw her whole life out the window for the second child…
Op seems to hate her husband for not giving her a second baby with no comment on how he is as husband and father. The fact he didn’t go to counselling with her might be because he knows it’d be only with focus of getting him to change his mind or any number of other reasons he doesn’t want to that might be reasonable.
Having a miscarriage is hard and he might not have coped well and I would guess understandably op didn’t cope well. I and many others want to stop TTC after a miscarriage - that’s ok.
Op may genuinely hate her husband true. But to me it sounds like Op is depressed and projecting this into a second baby obsession and blaming her husband for not giving her this thing she has pinned all her hopes on making her happy.

It's only an unhappy marriage because he wont agree to a second child.

If he agreed today she would stop crying daily, stop hating him and start planning the second child and trying for a baby.
She wouldn't leave.

This is so circular. You say she shouldn't stay in an unhappy marriage but its only unhappy as he wont do what she wants. She'd stay otherwise.

Ergo she is blowing up her marriage and family as he wont do what she wants.

Exactly. Only a year ago she lost a child and yet she's being strung along.

Then her husband should be supporting her through it and go to couples counselling. But often depression is circumstancial and improves when you make changes.

I bet the OP wants to use couples counselling to convince him to have a second child.

You really think she wants counselling to move on from wanting a baby? She's considering single motherhood and sperm donor. She's obsessed.

I bet he knows this and doesnt want yet more pressure. What if he goes to counselling and says i dont want another baby.

I think couples counselling is seen as a magic bullet which it isn't.