Husband refusing 2nd child

[Whatisthisallabout1]

My husband swings between absolutely not having another child and maybe we can have another. Our daughter is nearly 7, I have been firmly on the need another child band wagon for 3/4 years. I feel like he said not just now for a while then this changed. I had a miscarriage in feb last year, he said we could try again but has since back tracked. I’m so unhappy and depressed over it I’m in therapy - he refuses to attend. He has lots of reasons, money, mental health (says wants an easy life) aging parents ect as to why no more children. My heart aches and I cry most days. I can’t help feel that he is ruining my life, my child’s life with no siblings. I’m 38 soon and really want to leave, but I’m scared I don’t find someone in time- but if I’d left sooner I might be happy and settled by now. He refuses couples counselling. I am starting to hate his existence. Do I just leave and try and be happy?

Terrible advice

Just as well I'm not looking for one then! And especially not one I can just use to fulfil my own selfish wants. I swear some people think men are just there to provide women with the perfect number of children to fill whatever void she has. It won't even help her because she will just obsess over something else even if she gets what she wants. Better to work on herself and figure out why she's so unhappy.

sperm donor! Go now. Ring and make an appointment on Monday. At 38 every month can make a difference for egg quality. Good luck!

Wtf?! Paid with what? Effectively ending her marriage? How would she explain that to older dd? Sorry darling I only see you 50% of the time as.it was more important for me to have another child?

Sperm donor on monday. Whilst she is still married. She hasn't even informed her husband she doesn't want to be with him anymore.

She just rushes off and gets impregnated by a random stranger at a sperm bank, while still married and having not made any attempt to talk to her husband about it or break up.

You suggest she passes, it offers his and says it's an oops, baby. How would this work.

Sometimes I wonder if there are mature adults on this site.

Even after the split of marital finances?

Split up the family unit, completely change the trajectory of the existing child’s life and then become a single mother by choice to another baby?

Some of the advice you read on here is incredible.

Someone made a good point about the new hypothetical baby being with the OP 100% and the current real child being with her 50% if OP leaves to have a second child. That would be very tough for the current child particularly if there's is also a new partner involved....

And the advice is given by women most of whom are mothers and these women are actually raising the next generation of children with these kinds of attitudes.

It's incredible. I'm appalled so many selfish women exist. Throw a grenade into three people's lives just because you won't what you want and everyone else be dammed.

You keep posting stuff like this in this thread as if life is a Hallmark movie, it’s not. Life is not that easy or simple.

she would be a single parent at 38, the dating pool is a cesspit and most men her age want 25 year olds.

shed be better off with an anonymous sperm donor than trying to find another man to have a relationship and second child.

Yes it’s so ridiculous. Every only I know is thriving. And the parents are happier and better off!

My DB lives in a different country so the cousins aren’t close and I’ll end up caring for any elderlies here. So a sibling is no guarantee of the vision the OP has. The birth rate is dropping as costs rise - her DD may not have kids nor the imaginary sibling either.

Imagine what her dating profile would say or what she would say to men on dates.

I left my husband because he wouldn't have a second child with me. And i'm dating with a view to have another child as quickly as possible before my time runs out. I cry every day and i'm extremely depressed because I don't have a second child

I mean, the men will be forming an orderly queue for this opportunity i'm sure

Then she's got the added complication of a massive age gap with children with absolutely nothing in common. One child goes fifty fifty to her dad. The other child gets to live with his or her parents full time. Or if she uses a sperm donor potentially the donor child is resentful because he or she doesn't have two parents and only one set of family.

Either way it's an absolute disaster. If she's not happy in her marriage, she should end it but not to immediately go and breed a child with somebody else.That's the worst decision she could make. She really doesn't sound in the right head space for it

I didn't read much past the bit where she said 'destroy my child's life by not giving them a sibling'. I mean WTAF. What an awful attitude. There are many who CAN'T have more than one child.

I’ve read a lot but not all of the thread, and I’m just very sad for the 7 year old that isn’t enough.

Yes - the idea that it would be better for a child to spend her life moving between houses, and living with stepparents who resent her existence, than growing up as an only child is crazy.

Your child's life isn't ruined by not having a sibling. Your child's life could be ruined my you leaving her father over wanting another baby though. Especially if you're looking to meet someone and have another child quickly. Be rational

I’m an only child, my wife’s an only child, my daughter will be an only child.

We have the same opinion as you.

We both also love having our own time now still, my wife outside on the yard, and me cycling. Still get the relief.

Some replies have gone veering towards the crazy I see!

OP, my advice is to reframe this in your mind.
Read a few books on only children. Think about why you really want two and why one is ok (there are plenty of reasons) . There's a couple of Facebook groups too.

2 looks like hard hard work.(Another reason why I didn't have a 2nd in the end was because my daughter was never an easy child oh and her dad is lazy and I was not prepared to do all the work raising 2).

Make a list of what you can do with only one child. You will certainly save money!
Plan a holiday? Go somewhere fun you have always wanted to-maybe by train. ? 7 year olds are great company.

Do you want a play mate for your daughter? Be the playmate! I see mums of 2 kids won't get up to play with their kids as they think they shouldn't have to (no offence or mass generalisation meant).
I didn't want my DD to feel lonely so I decided to be a big kid sometimes. Do dances in the kitchen, put a face mask on and watch a film. Find an active hobby you both like, or a crafty hobby.
Even do jigsaws and colouring together. Run around outside.

I am really not trying to be flippant or unkind.
But I do think you need something to distract you to shift your focus.
Switch it round. Your house need not be full of kids to be filled with love. It can still be fun.

Another thing you can do which I have found helpful is that you can be a positive presence in kids lives without being their parent. Why not get to know your daughters friends a bit more?
I try to chat to my DDs friends and it can be lovely. They are funny.

Push them on the swings while it's summer, or invite them to the cinema? You'll have company of more than 1 child and they'll enjoy it.
My DD likes going to friends houses as there's more kids there but it works both ways; the ones of 3 or 2 like coming to our house too as it's a bit quieter and they can play in the bedroom or garden (free of younger siblings!).

I don't mean any offence by this and I'm not trying to minimise your heartache or be patronising. But I'm sure your daughter would appreciate a change of mindset while you figure out what to do x

100% agree.
This post is just common sense on so many levels, altough a lot of peeps confuse need and wants.

Its really fucked up the amount of people that think OPs daughter would be better of raised in the dysfunction of a depressed and grieving mother who actively hates and resents the man she is being guilted by strangers into staying with while her mental health spirals... that is NOT good for the child (actually abusive to both OP and child).

Her DD is NOT living in a happy stable home and its getting worse not better.

Not to minimise what you’re going through OP but I felt the same, to a lesser degree, about having a third child, which my husband was adamant we shouldn’t have, at about your age. We didn’t have one and are happy five years on, though I do get the odd twinge of regret sometimes. I think this age is huge for hormones affecting our feelings and you might not feel like this forever.
Also to say, the majority of my youngest’s friends are only children and they have wonderful lives, close relationships with their parents and really rich friendships. I think this will only be a blight on your daughter’s life if you make it into one.
good luck!

This.

Regardless of the cause of the relationship breakdown, the OP can't live in a broken and dysfunctional relationship spluttering along for the next 11 years until her DD is 18. Putting aside the issue of the second child, if the relationship has broken down and her husband won't agree to marriage counselling, there's very little that the OP can do alone. Things aren't going to get better.

Her husband mocked her distress following the miscarriage. My husband would never have done that.

He has emotionally abused her, mocked her and doesn't want a second child.

That's his right not to want one.
But not to abuse her emotionally and mock her.
Which part of what she wrote is so hard to understand?.

She hates him. He is messing her about wasting time.
Her marriage is a long time over.

He's not even the main earner.
The sooner she rids herself of him, the better.

What does his earning capacity have to do with it? That sounds rather mercenary.