Husband refusing 2nd child

[Whatisthisallabout1]

My husband swings between absolutely not having another child and maybe we can have another. Our daughter is nearly 7, I have been firmly on the need another child band wagon for 3/4 years. I feel like he said not just now for a while then this changed. I had a miscarriage in feb last year, he said we could try again but has since back tracked. I’m so unhappy and depressed over it I’m in therapy - he refuses to attend. He has lots of reasons, money, mental health (says wants an easy life) aging parents ect as to why no more children. My heart aches and I cry most days. I can’t help feel that he is ruining my life, my child’s life with no siblings. I’m 38 soon and really want to leave, but I’m scared I don’t find someone in time- but if I’d left sooner I might be happy and settled by now. He refuses couples counselling. I am starting to hate his existence. Do I just leave and try and be happy?

As someone dealing with this now your best get is to set things up for your old age and not rely on DD to carry it all- alone or otherwise. There are siblings here but they’re less use than a chocolate teapot so having another baby is no guarantee your DD will have someone to share the load. Best bet is plan to not be that load.

The bit about grandchildren and cousins for sleepovers is nonsense. Cousins can come from the other parent’s side of the family, too. You’re getting carried away here. Do you really think your DD at 8 wants a baby in the house? When she’s 18 a 10 year old following her round? Think about her, and why is she not enough?

You know, if this were a woman being coerced and guilted into having a child she did not want, her husband would be called every insult possible.

What happened to it takes 2 Yeses for another child and only 1 No to veto that decision? Or does that only apply when the woman says No?

OP, your head is in the clouds. There are no guarantees that your dream scenario will play out if you have another child.

• The baby can be born unwell or with long-term care needs which will negatively impact your DD's childhood
• The bay is well but your relationship with your DH totally falls apart (you sound like you'd be happy with this but I'm sure your DD would not be)
• Due to the age difference, both siblings are not close
• One or both kids decide not to have children in the future - therefore no cousins, nieces or nephews
• They fall out in adulthood and are distant or estranged

OR

You leave your DH and the following happens:

• You do not find another partner in time to have a baby. This will be difficult but I'm sure I don't need to elucidate.
• You don't find someone, use donor sperm and are left to raise 2 children alone, one who will not know their father.
• You do find someone but he comes with his own children and shows little interest in your DD
• You find someone, have a baby and then split from the father leaving you with two kids with different custody arrangements
• You don't find someone in time, your DH does and now DD has a new sibling who is not your child.
• You have another child as does your ex-DH, and your DD feels pushed out and unloved by both families. It's likely she will not be very close to any future half-sibling due to the age gap (at least 9 years+) and not living together full-time
• Your daughter grows up and finds out you 'broke up' her childhood home to have another child - she is resentful and feels like she is not enough. Is this a fully rational take? No, but it isn't unlikely either.

That's at least a dozen negative possibilities, some of which are quite likely.

You need to speak to a therapist to accept your situation OR divorce your husband if you are resentful, NOT to have another child.

And you also need to be honest with yourself that this has little to do with your daughter and everything to do with YOUR wants and preferences.

Nobody 'needs' a baby.
Nobody 'needs' a sibling.

A child needs to be wanted by both parents.

It sounds like it isn’t just the back tracking over a second child that is the only problem.
Fair enough if he has changed his mind, people do after having one child because the demands of raising them before they arrive isn’t as expected.
I wonder if it was the miscarriage that made him back track a little and to be fair it’s hard to think about going back to the babyhood stages when your child is 7.
Your child will be fine as an only child, I have a nephew who is an only child, he is happy, sociable and adores his cousins. He gets all the benefits of being an only child (finances/space aren’t diluted) but the friendship and love of his cousins.
2 of my children aren’t close at all, very different to each other and fight… a lot… I very much doubt when they reach adulthood they will have much to do with each other, so having siblings is no guarantee of life long friendships.
There is also increased risk of problems when you conceive later, I was late 30’s when I had my youngest and the statistics do make sobering reading, it also impacted the activities the older ones could do as they were at different stages, with the smallest age gap 6 years.
Having said all the above it sounds like you desperately want a second and if your husband absolutely does not, that is an irreconcilable difference. If you are determined to have another then you need to leave and go it alone but in the long term your 7 year old may not thank you for the choice you make if you go down that path.
I think unpicking why you so desperately ‘need’ a second child at this stage in therapy is more important

Agree with this entirely.

To already have a healthy child is a gift. I feel sorry for the DD, I hope she doesn’t know her mum cries all the time.

Please OP, seek mental health help.

Then I don't think you should even be contemplating bringing another child into this set up. It won't make life better for anyone. It will almost certainly be worse. Your priority should be to create a safe, happy environment for your DD. That means tackling your mental health problems and reaching an amicable resolution with your DH, even if this means splitting up. Your household at the moment sounds very toxic and will, without a doubt, be impacting your DD's wellbeing. If you think another baby will fix this then you're the person who would likely put a plaster on a broken leg.

I completely understand why you’re so sad. I however have 2 kids and I was pregnant with my 3rd and had a miscarriage when the youngest was 18 months old. It was a really upsetting experience and I absolutely did not feel the need to “replace” this pregnancy but I get my 2 kids already have a sibling.
i have lots of single parent friends who have battles with their exes over the kids so if you are that miserable I think you need to leave and then re-assess - not try to make him have another plus you can’t stay and be that miserable that’s no good for anyone including your daughter. And to say about keeping hold of your husband so he doesn’t hook up with a younger woman and have another family? That seems a really bizarre concept - you are equally as likely to move on and meet someone and have another baby, 38 is not old in this day and age.
plus also, if he is unwilling to engage in any therapy he is either in complete denial, is just not a nice person who doesn’t care or has already checked out of this whole situation.

if I was your friend IRL I’d be saying leave, have a fresh start and move on and even if you don’t have another baby hopefully you’ll meet a nicer man who cares ❤️

I think this all sounds very sad. You seem to be fixated on the idea of a second and your husband doesn’t seem to be compassionate. I think you have to be realistic that at 7 your child is used to being an only child and a baby may not add that much to her life- particularly if your split with your husband to do so.

If notwithstanding the second child issue you don’t have a good relationship then considering a split might be in your interest but I wouldn’t do it for the hypothetical second child that might not ever come.

I wonder if DH was compassionate at the start but has become exasperated with daily tears, refusals to attend baby showers etc
His lack of empathy over the miscarriage is inexcusable if he was callously cheerful about it, but if he has said that he doesn’t want to have another baby and OP is crying everyday, asking him to attend therapy and refusing to take part in family and friend celebrations and it’s impacting their lives together, that must be really hard to live with.
We’re only getting one side of the story but if this was a woman posting that her partner was crying everyday, begging them to have another child they didn’t want and refusing to attend family events et. We would be saying he was emotionally abusive and to leave.

Hard to discuss something this sensitive when the other party does not accept your position as valid, tries to negotiate with parental leave as though that solves the problem, hates you for your position and resorts to begging and crying to then make you the uncaring ogre for not agreeing even though it would alleviate the pain of the other and obviously your feelings don't count and you're uncaring because you are not crying.

That's not discussing or working through something, it's manipulating and browbeating.

I personally wouldn't be trying to get pregnant if my mental health was poor. How would you manage if you don't conceive or have another miscarriage. Pregnancy and having a baby doesn't fix depression. With your DH using mental health as a reason to not have a child I think he may have the best interest of the child you already have at heart.

It's not ruining your child's life to be an only child. What might difficult for her is seeing her mother so distraught and her getting the sense that she isn't enough. If both parents aren't fully on board for having another child, then you're going to have to appreciate the child you do have. Anything else is unfair on the child that would be born. There are so many women who would give anything to have one child.

I read an interesting article recently talking about the advantages only children have - and suggesting our biological drive to have more children is very much about us not them!

but as PPs have said. You have a choice. Baby by yourself or no baby with him. I think you have to decide affirmatively which is more important and jump into that choice with both feet. Agonising about it for years will damage everyone, including yourself!

OP, if you no longer want to be with your husband, separate and look for someone new. But for goodness' sake, make sure to ask at least 50 times if the guy wants kids with you.

Not that OP can guarantee kids for such a guy anyway, even if he existed. And if he does exist, that's a new guy she's bringing into her DD's life after leaving the dad, and you'd really hope that wouldn't happen for a good while to give the DD chance to adjust, and even longer before bringing a baby into the situation. The timeline doesn't look great for having another baby if she shows any concern for her DD in all of this. So once again, this isn't about doing the best for DD at all.

He isn’t someone you should be having another baby with anyway. Don’t bring a baby into such unhappiness

Ok so I’m someone who likes have 1 child, so my post will be skewed towards that.

I can understand why you are heartbroken but it seems such a shame to be sad and torturing yourself with what ifs rather than enjoying your daughter. I have a 7 year old DD and it’s a lovely age. Little best friend, good company and lots you can do together. Your DD would be fine without a sibling. Siblings can be a blessing but a curse. Mine has caused no end of headaches for me and my parents.

My partner and I have both wanted another baby, but at different times.. he wanted 2 under 2 and I would have had a much bigger gap of 5/6/7 years…
But it didn’t happen and I’ve made peace.
Being an only child is not bad at all.

Consider your options carefully ..

1. You try to make peace and stay as you are. This may get easier over time. It did for me and it has done for others I know after a few years.

2. You split up and try to have a child alone or meet someone else. It might happen or it might not. If it doesn’t you may wish you hadn’t left your marriage.

3. The other option is somehow you and your partner have another child due to him ‘relenting’ or thinking ‘it will be alright’ or due to contraceptive slip up.
   I’m definitely NOT saying you or anyone on here would do this but I’ve heard it talked about in real life.. they end up having a 2nd or 3rd baby anyway. Then the man doesn’t pull his weight with the kids because he never wanted another really and the woman’s mental health and career take a big hit and it’s much harder than envisaged.

Personally , I would go for option 1 (if your relationship is otherwise good).

Sorry, that sounds blunted than I intended.
I hope you find a way to work through this x

I'm sorry, but that is one hell of a selfish story . Your poor DH.

Browbeaten for two years until he reluctantly gave in, knowing his wife wanted a child much more than him. I wonder if he resents you now? I bet you wouldn't care if he did - you have what you wanted.

I'm so sorry OP.
You want something so bad and he can easily give it to you but is refusing to.
I don't have anything useful to say other than trying to find out the deep causes for why he is against having a second so much e.g. is he unsure about the marriage, did he find baby/toddler stage too hard, etc etc. And once the issue is known, you can work on that. In my opinion, counselling would be the obvious answer for it but you said he's refusing it.
What would happen if you made it very clear you're thinking of leaving and potentially using a donor?

I wonder if the husband being expected to take paternal leave as OP says she is the main breadwinner is a factor in his not wanting another, besides his cited concerns of money and mental health and concerns about aging sick parents, which all seem to be valid concerns.

Her drive to have another child doesn't seem driven by broodiness so much, since her husband would be the primary caretaker. She refuses to go to social events. She's living for a future that seems driven by dreams that might never happen and resenting and hating her husband because he won't just impregnate her. She said she's begged and is crying most days.

Why does she want a baby with a man she claims to hate? That just seems like it would be horrific, trapped in a marriage with one person hating another but using them for a pregnancy.

This

Whoa. It's not like she secretly got pregnant.

He agreed to it, and I would bet my money on the fact that most likely scenario is that he loves the second child deeply and doesn't regret anything.

"he can easily give it to you but is refusing to."

Just the cool 30-40 years of emotional and financial support and everything what that goes with it.

Easy

You want something so bad and he can easily give it to you but is refusing to.

It's not a handbag. It's a human being. It's not something he gives to her because she wants it 'so bad'. It's a child who deserves to be wanted and loved by both parents and even then, life can be bloody hard. This is no way to frame it.

@Whatisthisallabout1 My hate for him ...

I know it's not a response you will want to hear but this statement alone is enough for the biggest red flag for you NOT to bring another innocent human life into this world with a human being you hate.

Would anyone here actively want a baby with someone who hates them?