Husband refusing 2nd child

[Whatisthisallabout1]

My husband swings between absolutely not having another child and maybe we can have another. Our daughter is nearly 7, I have been firmly on the need another child band wagon for 3/4 years. I feel like he said not just now for a while then this changed. I had a miscarriage in feb last year, he said we could try again but has since back tracked. I’m so unhappy and depressed over it I’m in therapy - he refuses to attend. He has lots of reasons, money, mental health (says wants an easy life) aging parents ect as to why no more children. My heart aches and I cry most days. I can’t help feel that he is ruining my life, my child’s life with no siblings. I’m 38 soon and really want to leave, but I’m scared I don’t find someone in time- but if I’d left sooner I might be happy and settled by now. He refuses couples counselling. I am starting to hate his existence. Do I just leave and try and be happy?

Yeah, that’s exactly what happened. I bullied him every day for two years, going on and on and on at him, night and day, day and night until eventually he could take it no more.

Fast forward 8 years later and you wouldn’t believe how much he hates me. He doesn’t like our second child either. He’d never say it out loud but I can tell that he resents the child as much as he resents me for ruining his life. My husband can barely look at me anymore. The house is a toxic environment of seething anger.

I’m really not bothered though…..I’m only staying with him so he can pay the bills whilst me and my two children play happily in the park every day!

Victory is mine!!! 🙄

Back in the real world though….. our lovely family of four are very happy and having a second child was absolutely the right decision for us.

My husband did go straight for a vasectomy though when I started talking about Baby Number 3…..

I wouldn’t worry too much keep going on like you are and I’m sure your husband will be leaving you soon enough. And I feel sorry for your DD

"Dan's been badgering me for 2 years to have a child I don't want, has stopped going to family events where there'll be kids or pregnant women, I'm pretty sure he hates me, has tried negotiating with me to have a kid I don't want, cries and begs me to have one when I say I don't want one and it's insisting I attend therapy."

"You selfish fucker"

Can you both afford another child? I read posts everyday by people who could barely afford the first. I think it’s important to focus on the practicalities of delivery and maintenance of goals, rather than the emotional aspect. If you have a child already, you could argue your depressive state wouldn’t be a great start for another child, as well as destabilising the one you already have.

I dunno - my SIL did the same to my DBro, cried at him for years until he got ground down and agreed to a second on the basis that she did everything for DC2 and he kept his free time, did the minimum parenting of DC2. That's how it's going so far. He does love both DC but clearly favours DC1 (the one 'he wanted') and does lots with that child while leaving the mum to raise DC2 (the one 'she wanted'). He might not regret it but it was a huge compromise for him and it's not a good dynamic for the marriage, the siblings or the family overall. I've seen it elsewhere too, with dads checking out on their later kids that they had 'for the wife'. If you think it doesn't effect the kids, you're kidding yourself.

You hate him. Having another baby isn't going make you suddenly love him again. It would be adding a second child into the misery.
Leave him and be happy with your life. What he chooses to do after that has no bearing on you.

It’s all about who you are as a person and what you need to be able to function in life.

Rightly or wrongly, I would not have been able to cope with my other half’s refusal to have another child. I would have left, as I could not possibly have lived with someone who had denied me my greatest wish and who was willing to watch me suffer. As someone who has had several children and loved it, I know I could not have made a relationship work under these conditions. If we couldn’t have had children I think I could have managed, but to have been deliberately denied a child after saying I could have one would have seemed to me to be the cruelest of behaviours.

I completely understand your distress OP. You will never be able to love or respect your husband after this so I would go it alone. In fact I would go as far as to say I would have another baby on my own with a sperm
donor if you feel you can manage financially and have access to some form of family support. Find a way.

If he meets someone new and has a family with them then that is even greater proof that you made the right decision. Take control of the situation now and you will feel better for it in my opinion, or accept a life of resentment and bitterness

Man alive, people are weird about only children. I didn't grow down a well, you know!

Anyway, OP, you sound so unhappy, and the relationship with your husband is the source of that. Having another baby with him will definitely not make that better. Separate, then let the dust settle.

Baby aside, if my husband mocked me for my feelings, if he flipped and flopped over the years about having another child, if he left me to go through a miscarriage on my own and be relieved about it, I would tell him I would be leaving him.

Your child doesn't need a sibling, but if they are aware of your feelings about all this, it is going to impact on them. You need to have some counselling to help you come to terms that your life, and their life isn't going to be how you imagined. It's not going to be awful it's just going to be different.
It sounds like you can give your child a very good life, just the three of you, but if you are avoiding social events, your world and your child's will be much smaller than it needs to be.

Don't stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy, but don't leave just to have another baby as that might not happen.

Can you afford to get your fertility tested privately? I’d probably do that as the first step. If it looks like there’s no issues with you getting pregnant, I’d consider leaving and having another child
via a sperm donor.

It’s clear from what you’re saying that you desperately want another child. Your marriage is an unhappy one and whatever his thoughts about more children, he is not compassionate or kind towards you.

Man alive, people are weird about only children.

Ain’t that the truth.

Your marriage is long over, understandably in my view.
Get organised and stop wasting time.
He is deliberately reducing your options and running down your fertility.

Get out. You know what you want to try for.
Give yourself the best chance while you can.

He may backtrack.
Don't listen. It's over.
He has shown you who he is.

You actually shouldn't want another child with an emotionally abusive man.

In these kinds of threads, I always think the one who wants more is UR and should be content with what they have. But the more you say, especially that it is an unhappy marriage - you should leave op. Life is too short, and if you can go it alone then do it. He doesn't sound very nice,

I can't believe I just read this.
If it were a man posting this as his wife isn't sure about a 2nd child, would you suggest he pokes holes in his condoms?
What the absolute fuck.

Nobody is automatically entitled to two children, many people who would like to be parents don't get that privilege. You need to be more flexible, you have a very rigid mindset which seems to be more about your "needs" than your daughter's needs. As others have pointed out, being so distraught and miserable because she is not enough for you is not protecting her emotional wellbeing quite the opposite.
Try to see the positives of your situation and be a role model for her instead of collapsing because life isn't matching your plans exactly and you're having to take other people's feelings into account. You need to teach her how to deal with adversity and not always getting what she had hoped for.
IMO you should only break up your marriage if it's going to be better for your daughter to do so, she is here and real and your primary responsibility.
Good luck!

So do you hate him for this alone or for other reasons? If the latter the marriage is over so you may as well crack on, split and get a sperm donation if that’s what you really want.

I legit do not understand where the strikethrough came from! I didn't format it like that deliberately.

You're not making an ounce of sense OP,

If this was really about giving your daughter the best thing for her, then ripping apart her family to hopefully try to give her a sibling makes absolutely no sense. Why would you think she needs a sibling that she might not even like more than she needs a full time father? This is about you and what you want and nothing else.

Your DH is not ruining your child's life, you are, by crying all the time and slowly destroying her family. Your behaviour is completely selfish. I for one would much rather be able to sort out my parents estate alone and not have to try to navigate it with a sibling I've barely spoken to in 30 years. I wanted a sibling when I was young - and have been regretting it ever since!

I think though to be honest you should do your husband a huge favour and split up with him, he shouldn't have to go through this - and nor should your child.

Exactly. Agreed 💯

That's terrible 😔

My thoughts too

This is an excellent point. If the OP is crying over this almost daily, then her obsession with an imaginary second child must be impacting her real-life daughter. And in my experience, people who obsess like this often can't cope when reality doesn't match up to the fantasy they've built up in their heads - like those women who have IVF and then get "gender disappointment".

It's the other way around for us. I had a fairly horrendous pregnancy/birth with the first that made me change my mind about wanting more kids (we'd originally planned for 2). My DH was very keen to have another one for several years. It's OK to change your mind in response to things that happen. But it's not great that your DH doesn't recognise the impact on you/on your relationship together and won't go to counselling with you. I think it would help you both move forward. Regarding being an only child, I read this article in the Atlantic that may help: www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/11/are-only-children-worse-off-kids-siblings/671955/

And if he decided to go with a second child for his wife’s sake… and then disappeared because he couldn’t cope with his mental health, you’d say he was a fault even more and he needed to get a grip.

If he doesn’t want a second, he doesn’t want one.

You sound selfish, self absorbed and quite frankly unbalanced OP. You've spent 2 years of your DD's precious childhood crying, making a scene and going to therapy. What sort of impact is that having on her? You say you want to give her a sibling (that she probably doesn't want anyway, most kids don't). I suggest you start giving your daughter the childhood she deserves first and foremost. This is all about you.