Husband refusing 2nd child

[Whatisthisallabout1]

My husband swings between absolutely not having another child and maybe we can have another. Our daughter is nearly 7, I have been firmly on the need another child band wagon for 3/4 years. I feel like he said not just now for a while then this changed. I had a miscarriage in feb last year, he said we could try again but has since back tracked. I’m so unhappy and depressed over it I’m in therapy - he refuses to attend. He has lots of reasons, money, mental health (says wants an easy life) aging parents ect as to why no more children. My heart aches and I cry most days. I can’t help feel that he is ruining my life, my child’s life with no siblings. I’m 38 soon and really want to leave, but I’m scared I don’t find someone in time- but if I’d left sooner I might be happy and settled by now. He refuses couples counselling. I am starting to hate his existence. Do I just leave and try and be happy?

Wanting something doesn't make someone entitled to do it. Sometimes, we want things and we can't have them and that is all there is to it. It doesn't matter how badly someone wants something. You can want something so badly it hurts and still have to come to terms with not being able to have it.

There's always artificial insemination if you are that desperate. But bringing up children by yourself is not easy.

I was left to go through a miscarriage of a very much longed for baby on my own, while he was relieved.
I would have left him after this tbh.

My ex flip flopped about children. We ‘tried’ for a few years but I could tell his heart wasn’t in it. Eventually we split and he had met someone else and she was pregnant within 6 months. I was devastated and alone for years and guess what? He didn’t give a shit. I don’t think he ever did give much of a shit about me. I just hoped and hoped he did. Prioritise yourself and what you want OP.

I'm sorry, that's awful.

Just for all your lower earners or SAHM's, you are leeching off your partners honey

Yeah, no need to even think about other factors, like her existing child. They're irrelevant.

OP
This isn’t a case for couples therapy so there is nothing unreasonable about your DH’s refusal to go.

You need your one on one therapy and I agree with a pp probably a different therapist as whoever you are seeing is only increasing your emotional distress. Crying every day, feeling hatred and resentment constantly is a sign you are worsening and potentially are mentally unwell and not thinking clearly.

You need a therapist that will help you define what is truly important to you, navigate the fallout of miscarriage and the fact your partner doesn’t want any more children, to move forward with a decision (whether you choose to stay or g) and to feel better and more in the drivers seat of your life. Do it for your daughter if not yourself as at 7 she will be aware of more than you think about your daily sadness over wanting another baby and you do need to be careful that she doesn’t end up feeling like she has failed you, was perhaps a bad baby or not enough or didn’t love you enough such that you were trying again for a good baby that will give you what she should have….

My personal view is that either partner can say no to another child and that is that. A child needs to be brought into the world with the willing and enthusiastic consent of both parents.

It takes greater effort to ensure an only child doesn’t become a lonely child, just like it takes greater effort to ensure a child doesn’t end up a victim of sibling abuse. There is no set rule that being an only child is better or worse than having siblings. No matter how many children a couple have, it all comes down to parenting for a happy or unhappy childhood.

"He refuses couples counselling. I am starting to hate his existence. Do I just leave and try and be happy?"
From how you have written of your marriage and how you feel about your husband (all your posts, not just what I've quoted above) it really sounds to me as if your marriage may well be over already; all that is required is for you both to acknowledge the fact.

If your husband were to say to you tonight that he now wanted another child - how would you feel about him? And I do mean 'him' as a person, not as a means to a baby. Would you still "hate his existence"? Would you still see him as the man who "chooses to mock my tears", the man who "left [you] to go through a miscarriage of a very much longed for baby on my own"? Because if the answer is yes, then the marriage is, indeed, already over. And, might I say, a marital home where one partner mocks the other, and the other hates the existence of their partner, is not the best environment for the daughter you already have.

Disagreement over having a(nother) child is pretty much the worst disagreement to have because there is no compromise possible.

OP - I actually think solo counselling would help you to think through everything as you understandably have a lot of different emotions.

I also think you need to look clearly at your options if you husband doesn't change his mind, because whatever he has said previously, people are entitled to change their mind about such an important decision.

This means that you have the choice between staying with your husband and daughter or leaving and trying to conceive via IUI and sharing custody of your daughter with your husband.

This says it all. He was relieved you had a miscarriage, he is happy to mock your tears, he’s flipped flopped to keep you in the hook

I would end it now you will always resent him

OP, this sounds harsh, but I think the root cause of your unhappiness is that you're being incredibly selfish. You can't see a way out of this situation because you are focusing purely on yourself and your wants and ignoring what's best for everybody around you. That's not the route to a happy life.

In fact, you're treating your DH, your DD and even the hypothetical new child as pawns in your fantasy life that DOES NOT EXIST. Your DD does not need a sibling. Your DH is allowed to change his mind.

You may not be able to have another child. And if you do, a new baby will not fix things for you. Your DDs life does not need fixing, except for her dysfunctionally unhappy mother. Siblings absolutely do not invariably get along or even have much to do with each other.

If you decide to leave your DH, you may not find someone new. And if you do, and if you have another DC, blended families are generally hard on children, and not in your DDs best interest. Your DC may not want or be able to have children of their own, so all these thoughts about cousins and grandchildren are totally bonkers.

You need to put a lot more time into therapy and really try to improve your life as it is now, by improving your mindset. You are the one damaging your family here.

He doesn't want one. You can't change that fact. You do .
Unlikely to change his mind realistically so now you need to consider how you move forward

Not having a sibling isn't ruining your kids life. Even if you had one now there would be an 8 year age gap and they wouldn't get to be friends until they are adults, as they will be so far apart in age. What will ruin your child's life is a) parent being so depressed b) breaking up the family home, introducing a new partner in a rush to have a new baby. Put her first and pour all your love into her, and yourself.

Imagine the responses if a man suggested slipping a condom off to get the second child his wife doesn't want?

OP in the nicest way you are wasting the enjoyment you could be getting from your young daughter by crying daily over wanting a second child. You are 38 - the chances of meeting someone else and having a baby naturally if you leave now are pretty slim - and you'll still only have one child with you full time!

My partner and I have suffered multiple losses and we are desperately still trying for our first baby. We went into this wanting to have three children, and gave ourselves plenty of time to do so. We now both agree we will be over the moon with one and will be stopping there - a decision he came to before me. Pregnancy loss is really hard, and it sounds to me like after the miscarriage your partner doesn't want to try again. That's really hard for you, but you are already a mother. You have the dream so many of us are wanting! I don't think your happiness lies in becoming a single mother trying to find another man - any willing man really - to have a second child with, and I don't think your daughter's happiness does either.

Realistically, you can tell your husband you will leave him if he won't try again, as the resentment has ruined your marriage. Then you can all be on the same page. Perhaps he wants to be together more than he wants only one child. Perhaps not. You'll have to have an honest conversation about it all and see where the land lies.

How about the first one?

Are you ok with having your existing child only 50% of the time?

How will she feel if you split up?

I have read all your posts but not the full thread.

Things that don't harm kids: not having siblings.
Things that do harm kids: divorce, the feeling that their existence is completely overshadowed by a none existing child that would - in contrast to you - be able to make your mum happy.

Likelihood of second child in this marriage: low.
Likelihood outside this marriage: also low.

Month-long therapy to obsess about not having a kid and feeding into it under the guise of trying to forget: likely not helpful.

Kid: want.
Kid not: need.

Stay in the marriage or don't. But you're still going to have to pull yourself together because right now you are making yourself miserable and doubtlessly your actual, living, breathing child.

OP, I just want to say that I hope you're not passing on any negative feelings about her being your only child to your daughter, as it could lead to a deep sense of resentment and anger if she ever feels it and starts thinking she's not enough for you.

OP, if you no longer want to be with your husband, separate and look for someone new. But for goodness' sake, make sure to ask at least 50 times if the guy wants kids with you.

To those suggesting the OP manipulate and lie to her husband about contraception, get pregnant on her own terms, and deal with the fallout—this is insane and wrong. It's shocking that women are giving such advice to another woman. The sad truth is, no one can be harsher to women than other women, and it really shows. Women criticize men for actions like this, but somehow it's acceptable when they are the ones doing it.

No , what happens here is that you leave your DH, up-root your daughter just to have another child with the first bloke that says he will.

This bloke will invariably totally inappropriate, and you'll end up a single mum to two kids.

If that's a scenario you are comfortable with, then go ahead.

I know the resentment you feel towards your DH may be impossible to overcome, but there are no winners here. You can't make your DH want another child, and he has as much right not to want one, as you have to want one.

Some would say your counselling should focus on your desperation for a second child, and your grief from the miscarriage.

Your marriage is on its last legs. He sounds like an uncaring twat.

My advice would be to end your marriage and get everything sorted out asap, and then take a fresh look at the question of another child. You may find that you don't have the same compulsive longing for one when you're not in a lonely, unsatisfactory relationship. You'll also open up space in your life for more rewarding relationships and you never know, even if your DD doesn't end up with a biological sibling, she might end up with a closer in age step sibling who she likes. Life is weird like that... It throws up endless surprises.

It absolutely blows my mind that someone can get this distraught about not having MORE children. That they’d think it’s better for their child to have a “broken” home or to deal with a step father/step siblings than be an only child. Like that is the most horrendous fate that could befall someone.

When you say you want him to go to couples counselling…what you actually want is to have him talked into changing his mind and having another child. You want him to “get over” whatever is making him not to anymore children. Instead of going to counselling yourself to deal with your absolutely horrible fate of having…God forbid…one healthy child and presumably a husband that is otherwise great and a good father. Crying every day and hating him is not a healthy, normal reaction. Disappointment, sure. Having to address this change, yes. Complete insurmountable devastation..sorry but get a grip.

Completely agree with you.

If that’s the case, why do you want another child with this man? Or are you so desperate for another child you aren’t bothered the marriage isn’t happy?

My only never went to sleepovers with cousins because they're all either older than her or live too far away.

Never occurred to me this was some dreadful loss in her life.

Really should be time this "siblings are better" thing was put to bed. I don't think I know anyone caring for elderly parents who doesn't endlessly complain about how their sibling isn't doing enough/interferes too much.

My husband did this and I wasted my fertile years waiting for the TTC to happen and it never did. I did actually say to him we shouldn't go for it if he doesn't want to, got counselling and antidepressants and started looking at the positives of having an only, and then one evening he said he's been thinking and he wants me to be happy and that we should try after all. I was obviously delighted but then he still went back on it a number of times, and it became a real issue for us. Then DH became mentally ill because of other (health related) issues and abruptly left us. So I'm now without a husband and a 2nd child. It sucks but after some time of reflection I have come to realise that I'm kind of glad the baby didn't happen now because I'd be a single mum of two with shitty career prospects, and I've just lost "my person" so life is a little challenging. At least I can just about manage with one child, and they are now 9 and could not care less about siblings. When they were younger they wanted a baby sister but for the longest time they've been very very happy to be an only, so that makes me feel a bit better.

Also I got a cat a couple of years ago and he's been a wonderful addition to our family. DC loves him so much and I get to baby him and it does make me feel a bit better. Planning on getting more cats now!

Sorry I haven't got anything useful to say. It's such a shitty situation to be in. Hope you find a solution or some peace eventually.