Husband refusing 2nd child

[Whatisthisallabout1]

My husband swings between absolutely not having another child and maybe we can have another. Our daughter is nearly 7, I have been firmly on the need another child band wagon for 3/4 years. I feel like he said not just now for a while then this changed. I had a miscarriage in feb last year, he said we could try again but has since back tracked. I’m so unhappy and depressed over it I’m in therapy - he refuses to attend. He has lots of reasons, money, mental health (says wants an easy life) aging parents ect as to why no more children. My heart aches and I cry most days. I can’t help feel that he is ruining my life, my child’s life with no siblings. I’m 38 soon and really want to leave, but I’m scared I don’t find someone in time- but if I’d left sooner I might be happy and settled by now. He refuses couples counselling. I am starting to hate his existence. Do I just leave and try and be happy?

In an ideal world, a baby should only be born if both parents in the relationship want it.

You need to decide if what you have is enough, or if your longing for another child is more important.

So they should have a child that they do not want, to please someone else?
Lucky kid.

I would leave him and have another DC alone. No hesitation. Not because Your DC needs a sibling (they don’t) but because you and your DH aren’t going to come to an agreement you can both accept.

No, it's beyond comprehension and must be part of an evil long-term strategy.

That will be nice for the new kid, when she watched her sibling go off every weekend with their dad. And they don’t even have one.

This is radical, but could you tell him you’ll use a sperm donor now if he won’t oblige? And then if he’s not up for it, HE can leave?

I can totally get your anger as I hated being an only child and I was always clear that I wanted a minimum of two children.

yep, and the OP's daughter won't harbour ANY resentment for this "much needed" sibling as the reason her parents divorced.

Also, realistically there will be a 9-10 year age gap, not great.

good god.

Also you spelt "manipulative" wrong.

I hate my sister and the feeling is mutual so theres no guarantee that siblings will get on anyway.

Yes! Bully and threaten him into having a child he doesn’t want. Great idea.

She's quite clearly said she's not happy. And if she wants a baby then she wants a baby that's all there is to it.

You need to end your marriage. It can't be good for your daughter to live in a toxic household.
Cherish the child you have, many aren't that lucky

Spoken by the user VeryStressedMum

The irony

The suggestions get dumber.

He'd have to divorce her and be quick smart about it.

you know that any child born in a marriage, theres a presumption it's the husband's. It would legally be his child as hes married* *to the mother.

So if she gets a sperm donor within marriage he gets to be legally and financially responsible for another child that's not even his. Great.

So you're the main earner and are worried he'll leave you and find another mug to support him financially ?

Newsflash honey you don't need this leech financially.

Sounds like you’re putting your “need” for another baby before your daughter and your marriage

Legally speaking, a donor conceived child is only regarded as the DH’s if he gives consent. Even if the poor mite was conceived by a ONS or similar, the presumption of paternity is rebuttable in Court. So the DH in that hypothetical scenario could have his name taken off the birth certificate, following a paternity test.

Of course, none of this would possibly mentally scar the poor kid(s) caught up in that kind of shitshow…

Even if you have another baby you're looking at a 7,8,9 year age gap. They're not going to be playmates are they? Friends when older but the reality is your daughter will be trying to study with a toddler running around rather than a pal to play out with.
And if you go it alone, how much time will she get with you when you've got a newborn/ baby/ toddler and she's old enough to get on with it herself.

Oh how awful OP.

You have to think of all the scenarios. If you divorce, it’s going to take a while to find a new partner who you will know well enough to have a baby with. Given your age, the time is ticking and you don’t want to fall pregnant quickly without knowing someone’s true colours.

Dating as a single parent is much harder unless you have family who are willing to babysit. From what I’ve experienced, most men at 38 don’t want another child. Money may also be tighter.

I really do feel for you as I would be very upset in your situation too.

I wasn’t allowed any friends over or to go to theirs because as the eldest and a girl, I had to be a surrogate mum for my four younger siblings 365 days a year from age 10.

People always think the grass is greener when it isn’t always.

He isn’t ruining your life you are by staying with someone who doesn’t want the same as you.

They can still have cousins, so how would they miss out?

I wanted a baby for years. Couldn’t have one. No amount of crying or needing or wanting or fertility treatment could fix it. So having a baby isn’t a “need”. The OP wants one and I get that. But she does have one already. And I guess if she’s not happy with that then she is within her rights to possibly make her older daughter unhappy by leaving her father in order to get what she wants and be happy herself. I just hope it’s worth it if her older daughter grows up resenting her and the new baby.

I think it's sad that he won't engage with counselling, as this is clearly a huge issue for you, and if you really do resent him and dislike him then yes, leave him. I suspect he's been saying 'maybe' rather than 'no' because he fears you will leave him if he says no outright, which isn't great behaviour on his part, but I can also understand it, particularly as your feelings are so strong and are obviously spilling into anger. I suspect he's honestly just scared to say an outright no.

He is fully entitled not to want a second child and he is not ruining your life by not wanting one and he certainly isn't ruining your child's life. Being an only child is perfectly fine. and realistically your existing child is seven years old and a younger sibling isn't going to fulfil any need for a playmate/company.

I realise this is a really, really difficult thing for you, but ultimately, you have a child. You and your husband are parents. Life isn't perfect and sometimes compromise is necessary. You badly want another baby. But we can't always have everything we want. That's life.

If you want to end your marriage, then end it. But I don't think you can blame your husband for any of this, really.

I do think you need counselling on your own before you attempt to having counselling as a couple. You're not going to work out your feelings about him until you work through your feelings about having another child. That is entirely colouring your judgement and although you say the two are inextricable, I think you need to accept that they aren't.

Just because she is the main breadwinner does not mean that he doesn’t earn much and relies on her…she has said nothing to suggest he’s a bum and she earns all the money.