Easier without DH, I'm livid

[SuperMonkey889]

First time mum to an extremely active 12 month old. No family nearby at all, just me and DH. He had to take a 2 week work trip recently, I cannot tell you how much I was dreading it. I was genuinely scared how I'd cope alone with DS, on top of working full time.

Well....DH is back and....I've just realised it was easier without him. Not physically, physically it was harder (especially as DS was teething for half the time so was waking 5x night for a few days).

Mentally, so much easier. No negotiations, no having to give instructions, no expectations unmet, no moaning from DS because DH is meant to watch him but he's looking at his phone, wasn't stuck in the house because DH NEVER wants to go out in the morning.

On paper, DH does a lot. But it's all under my "supervision" (I can't find a better word, management maybe?). It's fucking exhausting.

Anyway, I can barely look at DH now. I'm so angry with him. It's like a mask has fallen off or something and I've realized just how much I do and how useless he is. Where do I go from here?

as I said OP has to judge. If you partner will leave child crying in hunger because he can’t be arsed that is different from getting dinner late and regular microwave meals.

if he is negligent to the point of danger with his children or what would be considered neglect or a safeguarding issue then she should be getting rid also.

and if he can’t change his behaviour when receiving his cues from his children regarding his needs get rid. But if their attempts to figure it out and fail then try again are constantly intercepted they will never develop a skill. You learn skills by doing not being told to do it and the signposted your fuck up every single time without figuring out yourself.

you cannot micromanage a man into a good father at some point you have to leave them to get on with it.
if a father cannot figure out making sure there’s clean clothes for their child after forgetting twice with no saviour then they’re neglectful and you get rid. Consistently superseding consequences defeats the lesson

On all my Fb feeds lately there’s women saying it’s easier without men, what are they there for etc. I think it’s oversimplifying it- I feel the same sometimes but then I look at what he adds, the support when I’m at my lowest, the ‘everyone give mammy a break’, the laughs to pick up my mood, the actual help. Definitely talk to your dh but I think you don’t need to be so angry, all that’s going to do is exhaust you and send you both in totally opposite directions (ask me how I know!)

You do have to be hard nosed bitch. I’ve watched my step mother whip my dad into shape and get my sisters to school on time because she’s hard nosed bitch and won’t do it.

whereas my dad we always late picking me up and dropping me off and it was so distressing and now I can see how my mum who isn’t naturally hard nosed just couldn’t make him change and gave up and did it herself

Everything you've said plus the fact you're not longer attracted to him, I think you know what you want to do. I split up with my son's dad when he was 18 months and breastfed, we worked up to overnights etc, and I can honestly say that from even from day 1 my life was easier.

My exh had me (and possibly even himself!) convinced that his contribution was invaluable. In actual fact, I found being a single parent (to three very young children, one of whom was seriously ill at the time) both more enjoyable and easier in every way than being with exh. Including financially as, despite being married, we didn’t have joint finances so I was always skint and used to have to ask for money, which was horrible - having control of my own money was amazing. He used to sort the car insurance etc once a year, organise the odd bill and genuinely acted like that was an equal contribution to the domestic load as the actual, physical work of running the house and kids 24/7. Being on my own with them was a breeze as I’d done everything on my own anyway and it was lovely to no longer have to deal with the constant, grinding resentment of all the ways he didn’t have my back.
Conversely, my now-OH never has to be told or asked what to do - he goes out of his way to not only not add to my mental load, but actively reduce it. A good example - he doesn’t particularly see dirt so I always tended to hoover as it bothers me when the floors are a state whereas he doesn’t notice it at all. But one day when I was pregnant and tired I heard him running the hoover - asked what he was doing and he said ‘I thought to myself, what would you be doing if you had the energy? And then I did that’ - and now he regularly hoovers as part of the general house tidy on the days he’s doing it. I never had to say a single thing, let alone train him into it.

Or get their Mum in to "help" do it. 😠

Same. I think some pp might be confusing her having expectations and standards with her being‘controlling’. From what I’m reading and looking at the other experiences on this thread, it looks like she’s wanting her Dh to actually parent and run the home as she is doing.

From past reading, it seems that you can’t expect some stuff to matter as much to your partner but you also can’t expect them to have the same standards and sometimes (unless it concerns caring for the dc) you have to let him/her get on and do things his/her way, if you can actually get them on board.

Good luck, OP, the ick would be strong for me with this.

This is actually not dissimilar to me and our household. As you say, it's taken work. So I'm not against that at all as a short term solution. And I also openly acknowledge that my life is much better but that frankly, DH's probably isn't!

I’d say you urgently need some marriage counseling together. This time in the baby trenches plus work is really hard.

I could have written this myself. My husband went away for 3 weeks (I have two under two) and I was bracing myself… then realised how much of a weight was lifted. My brain was so calm and clear. Crazy isn’t it

No advice just my sympathy, I am in a similar situation with my partner. He works four long days then has three days off and I genuinely find those long days where I don't see him easier. The worst day is his first day back at work when I'm left to single parent whilst also trying to deal with the crap that he's left from half assing things whilst he's been off. Eg I'll go to make lunch and we're out of cheese or beans because he used the last up and didn't replace it or add to the shopping list or he got little one ready for bed the night before and hasn't put his shoes back on the rack and has just thrown them somewhere so I waste the morning looking for them.

I did have a chat with him a few weeks ago about how things need to change but he's not done anything about it yet and I got upset again this weekend about it. He makes the right noises in the moment but nothing changes.

Sorry to hear this OP.

If it makes you feel any better, I have an absolutely wonderful DP who is an equal partner, and even I experience a bit of what you describe when he’s away.

I get it: there’s one less person to consider. Even though you have to do everything, you don’t have to think as much in some ways - it does make things simpler.

My DP is currently the SAHD, half way through his 6 months paternity leave with our 9 month old (I took the first 6 months). So he really does know what he’s doing, and keeps the house running while I work. But when we’re both around there’s just bustle - who’s tidying dinner up, who’s doing the bath tonight, have you got this, where’s that, what shall we have for dinner, etc. etc. On the odd occasion he’s gone away for the night, things feel simple and quiet! But I know I’d miss him if he wasn’t around!

So common.
The mistake women often make is having more children with them.
Not my old friend, 20 years ago.

When asked by an aunt of his at a wedding was she hoping for more children she said "absolutely not, one and done, he was completely useless as a father, never lifted a finger, I wouldn't inflict him on another child".

His mother and family were shocked and appalled as her voice had carried.

She said its the truth and wouldn't accept any guff from his mother who had done such a poor job raising him.

A year later she happily divorced him when she discovered he had had a fling in work.
She rubbed that in his familys nose too.

Her daughter is 21 now and a great young woman.
She knows her father isn't a bad man, just useless.
My friend has a great high profile career, but wouldn't dream of living with or marrying again, despite having several great partners over the years.

You need to go out sans child and leave him to it more often.

Agree with this, but some of these outings need to be long enough (at least a few days, ideally a week) so he really does deal with all aspects of childcare rather than saving it up for when you get home. And don't do extra prep before you go. This isn't a punishment, it's getting him up to speed so that either of you can do all of the work of parenting and childcare including planning and clean-up and including handling an emergency. Once he's competent and confident you can split up areas of responsibility pretty broadly, rather than specific tasks, which gets rid of the feeling that someone's supervising AND working and the other person just doing microtasks as assigned and supervised.

There are a lot of reasons (like being physically closer to the child immediately after birth and while breastfeeding if you do, and in many cases taking maternity leave if he doesn't then take paternity leave with you unavailable) why the mother-as-default parent situation occurs, even leaving aside cultural prejudices and societal pressure. But there's typically no need for it after the first few months, and the more it becomes entrenched the harder it is to transition to an equitable arrangement.

I think with your first baby it is an awful
shock to realise how much extra work / responsibilities you assume, and how much many men will try to negotiate away. I know I am generalising but many if my friends have the same profound experience, that there DH doesn’t see / care about / experience this fundamental shift…..and falling into nagging / anger is so easy, and that creates a lot of negative emotion (certainly for me).

My DH travels a lot for work and I always say things are so much easier without him around BUT he says the same
about me too!

Things that have worked for me are - and I’m not saying its perfect solutions, but it gives enough for me:

• Leave all comms with his family to him - Christmas, birthdays etc
• Run a joint calendar - very visually on an A3 piece of paper. We all have our different colours for days out and schedule/agree time for both of us. It makes it very clear when its tipped too far one side, and you schedule time for yourself then
• Make appts - e.g. coffee with a friend or just yourself - in a Saturday morning a non-negotiable
• I book an activity for my DH and each DC every Saturday, and off they have to go
• Cleaner for the house
• Split which bills we are paying - i.e. the mechanics of it, not where the cash is coming from
• One of us does laundry, the other cooks

I also think when you go back to work, you have to rebalance - and I didn’t know that was so important until I had some maternity leave coaching sessions. I’d really consider how best to have that conversation with him, and if his not ‘hearing’ it, then you need to go away or come up with your own plan to force the hand. He’ll either start to cop on, or his a neglectful parent - and if its the latter, I just wouldn't hang around.

He will never change. Decide if you can live with a passenger or if you want a partner.

Quite frankly I used to wonder how my son's father would .manage if I died. The awful thing is I knew he would not manage and my DS would be severely neglected and he would be wearing filthy clothes and not have enough to eat. I taught him how to wash, iron and cook from a very young age just in case. No mother should have to worry about things like this.

Is your life something like this, OP:
https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

I can´t recommend that book enough.

Yip

Managing another adult is extremely difficult

I hear you

"I know single parenting is exhausting long term but this dynamic we have right now is tiring as hell too."

But if he stepped up as an ex-husband and had the kids at least every other weekend, you'd get 2 days to yourself to recoup.

It's very clear you don't get that now.

You could perhaps show him this thread OP?

I saw a post from the TT lady I mentioned in my previous post where she said, imagine if this was a work scenario. Someone you manage, who's an excellent employee, comes to you and says "Bob, I'm really struggling to get through my workload at the minute - I've got so much on and too many projects and I'm going to either drop the ball on something or burn myself out. I need help."

I know not all managers are good managers, but you'd hope in a work scenario that the manager would say "Oh no, that's terrible. Let's sit down and work out a solution to this".

They wouldn't get defensive and say "well if you just told me what you want me to do, I'll do it".

If you've got a bad manager they might say "oh well, tough luck" and leave you to it. How long would that employee stay in the job?

Same goes for a home life. If you're not getting support and help from the other person it will turn you bitter and resentful and ready to quit.

This is brilliant. Also read the book. We haven't done it yet - but it's on my list of things to do.

What happens when they don't, @beAsensible1?

What happens when you, as mum, get taken aside because your ex sends them to school dirty, smelly, with uncleaned teeth and worse, which I won't write down?

What happens when they spend all day at his house gaming? It's terrible for their development.

When children go to school like that, other parents see it and often keep their distance, understandably. That has a real effect on their self-esteem (fortunately, most of the parents would let their kids play at my house, but not at his).

You seem to think that all parents will step up eventually. It's not so.

There's a middle ground and basically decent but rather oblivious and unthinkingly selfish men can learn and step up.

But wanting decent standards for your children is not 'micromamaging'. Wanting them in clean clothes, with brushed hair and actually going to school with food and drink in their backpacks rather than them taking nothing. It's being responsible, caring and giving them the pragmatic tools to fit into society.

Sending children to school in dirty, too-small clothes, unbrushed hair and without food is neglect.

It's deeply unrealistic to say 'get rid' because fathers legally have rights too, and then you have no influence at all at what goes on at their house.

It's good. For an eye-rolling take on the same problem, I give you the Magic Coffee Table:

If that happens there may be a referral to SS and he can have conversation with them and

it would be considered low level neglect and they maybe be put on a care plan but if their basic needs are met they will
consider his parenting “good enough” and won’t do much more

I’m not discounting the things to be a responsible parents. But this knowledge isn’t inherent its learnt, researched, observed.