Easier without DH, I'm livid

[SuperMonkey889]

First time mum to an extremely active 12 month old. No family nearby at all, just me and DH. He had to take a 2 week work trip recently, I cannot tell you how much I was dreading it. I was genuinely scared how I'd cope alone with DS, on top of working full time.

Well....DH is back and....I've just realised it was easier without him. Not physically, physically it was harder (especially as DS was teething for half the time so was waking 5x night for a few days).

Mentally, so much easier. No negotiations, no having to give instructions, no expectations unmet, no moaning from DS because DH is meant to watch him but he's looking at his phone, wasn't stuck in the house because DH NEVER wants to go out in the morning.

On paper, DH does a lot. But it's all under my "supervision" (I can't find a better word, management maybe?). It's fucking exhausting.

Anyway, I can barely look at DH now. I'm so angry with him. It's like a mask has fallen off or something and I've realized just how much I do and how useless he is. Where do I go from here?

This is why I pushed for equality from the start. We both condensed our hours and worked 4 days a week so we did a day each with DS. On 'his' day I did not pack the nappy bag or leave food and clothes out. I did not check what they were doing or given him a list etc. it was his day so his responsibility. I also did not criticise his choices unless there was a safety issue. This was a Biggie for us from the start. Weekends we got a lie in each. We took turns with the wake ups. We share out the jobs at home so no-one has to remind or nag. I do the shopping, meal planning, cooking, laundry (I don't put the clothes away, I hate it!) and anything school admin. He cleans, does the dishes and bins, puts laundry away, all of the school runs, sorts the cars and bills.
Because we have this system we both just know what needs to be done.

It's not all been plain sailing, when DS was 6 months I had a breakdown from being so tired after doing all of the wake ups. This is where the take it in turns came in. Before this I was under the deluded assumption the he needed more sleep because he was 'at work' it quickly became clear work was the easy option!

We have to revise things now and again but on the whole the expectation is if something needs doing, do it. Don't wait for me to tell you!

‘’Resentment is exhausting‘’
Absolutely!

I think you have to be honest with him.

'X, life is easier without you here. That's crazy. If our marriage is going to survive you've GOT to step up or we're heading towards divorce.'

If he wants to keep his family, he has to man up. If he doesn't you're under no obligation to stay married.

My life hugely improved after divorce.

Important to state that single parenthood has challenges too and for those who are weathered the challenges of marriage etc, their children are better off.
I am not referring to abusive relationships

I know exactly what you mean. I (thankfully) didn't have kids with my ex but during the one week he went away for work, I came to the same sudden realisation. It was easier, nicer and calmer without him.

The day the penny finally dropped and I realised I was dreading him coming home was pretty much the nail in the coffin for our relationship. I think we lasted 2 more weeks after that. It was easier to get out of though as we didn't have any children and our finances were easily split.

In your case, tell him. Tell him exactly what you've said here. Ultimately you've now seen the light and it's a case of him working with you to make things better or shipping out. I agree with PP recommendation of marriage counselling.

There's a lady on TikTok (sheisapaigeturner) who does a lot of very eloquent posts on the mental load that I'd recommend him watching.

I found a useful discussion to have with my husband started from the POV of 'what would our kids' lives be like of they had two parents like me vs two parents like you'. He was forced to acknowledge that they would never have been on holiday, that he didn't know their friends parents etc and that he hadn't got a clue about the small but important details.

It was actually an interesting conversation but he was willing to have it and do more - is yours?

All the very competent and controlling women that I know have had this issue with their husbands when they had young children. However they are kind of like this with everyone and they married men who were willing to go along with it. One of my best friends is like this. She will organise everything when we go out: time venue, activity, food arrangements. On the rare occasions that I organise something, it isn’t quite right so I generally leave it to her. She does sometimes get frustrated and complain that people rely on her too much. She clashes a lot with my other friend who is similar to her because they both need to be in charge. My advice is to pick areas that you are each in charge of and never try to share them. E.g. one is entirely in charge of washing from laundry baskets to putting in the cupboard and the other is entirely in charge of food buying and cooking, one does kitchen clean up and dish washer and the other does bath and bedtimes etc. You then have to accept how the other one does it and not interfere.

Thanks all. I need to reflect a bit on this. Leaving him for too long with the baby is not an option as I'm breastfeeding so while I can go for the day, I can't go anywhere for the night. DS is still not reliably night weaned. I do need to give him more responsibility, this was a shock.

It's more that while he does do a lot, it's a constant negotiation. If he could get away with doing nothing, he will. So I'm constantly on his back and yes, a nag. We haven't had sex in 6 months and I feel no attraction to him whatsoever, I just look at him as a chore tbh.

I stopped doing his laundry a long time ago. It took him 2.5 weeks, and 2 days in the office with shirts with holes in them, for him to wash his own shirts.

These lasts 2 weeks were a shock because I genuinely didn't think I could cope on my own. But I did and thrived. I know single parenting is exhausting long term but this dynamic we have right now is tiring as hell too.

I went back to work when baby was 6 months and I'm now full time, so working has done nothing to repair the balance between us.

With a husband worth keeping you should probably be able to say to him ‘I noticed this when you were away and it’s really shocked me. How do we tackle this because it isn’t how I want to live?’ and then come up with solutions together.

If you have to micromanage him into being better, then it probably isn’t worth it.

You can leave him alone a decent time if you are BF, especially if a baby is 12months as it will be on solids. I had to go to a funeral in another city and left 12 month EBF DC for 24 hours, it can be done. My DC also wouldn't take a bottle, so he had frozen BM iceblocks, water and whatever solids they were having at the time. You don't need to leave DC for long stretches anyway if you don't want to, but a few hours is fine! It's good for DC and your hubby.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

This is brilliant advice 🙂

My other advice is accept not everything needs to be done your way. I’ve finally let go of leaving outfits for the kids out if I’m not around. Does OH dress them how I would? No. Does it matter? Also no.

Well you can always have no expectations and give no instructions.

I tried that and the ex-H left our then-9 month old in a bath unattended for 5 minutes, and now sends him to school in dirty, smelly clothing and with hair so matted that when he comes to me I can only cut it out; it's unsaveable. I've had to have embarrassing conversations with teachers. The amount of time he lets him game is a nightmare.

Assuming you agree that this is in no way acceptable - or safe - I think that before calling the OP controlling you need to consider what the alternative to not giving instructions is. She's fortunate mind you in that perhaps her husband will try to listen in the first place rather than just dismissing her.

Not giving instructions can be catastrophic with some parents.

But there's a sliding scale between micromanagement and total dangerous neglect and the OP sounds in the middle, to me.

There is a ‘game’ invented by a couple called the ‘fair play deck’… Its basically a breakdown of the most common household/children/life tasks, but it breaks down each task explaining the mental
load required. Ie you take the kids to football, but it shows the player (see men) what they need to think about to achieve that task… kits washed, boots ready, snack and water prepared etc… it’s may help in showing him the issues without having to bang your head against a brickwall! Full transparency I haven’t played it (no point for me), but I was very intrigued when I found out about it!! And have recommended to friends who have found it very useful….

When women complain - justifiably - men just hear their mothers and childish auto-resistance kicks in. Most never grow out of it and cannot tolerate any demand from a female.

I had the same OP, but the one thing that changed everything for us, was me going away for a few days and leaving him to deal with everything himself. I honestly came back to a changed man, I also realised i could release the reigns and nothing bad would happen.
Recommend that you book a lokg weekend away and leave him with the child to fully cope. He will. And you will also cope with not being in control. It will really help.
If he makes excuses about work then he can take some holiday to do it. It will really help your relationship.

I think this is the crux. It' snot that he's nervous or that he doesn' tknow, it's that he doesn't WANT to. So in my case, my DH had just been socialised to expect everyone else (women) just to flutter around him making life easier (and while I love him madly, don't even get me started on how he and his brother just happily let their sister do an awful lot of the mental load around their parents....), but when it was pointed out and he accepted it, he's made an effort and so much has genuinely changed.

Yours is different. If he is actively trying to avoid doing things, he's certainly not going to step up even further and start taking on the mental load.

I do remember a few arguments where either DH would be annoyed because, for example, the shoe rack was (again) a mess - a pet bug bear of his - and he'd be stropping around about how he always has to do it and I'd respond angrily that he was welcome to take over all the things I do that he never does like cooking, and shopping, and cleaning and all the rest. And another argument where he'd be all moody because he didn't want to have to do a task or found the planning and discussion of a task boring and I remember a lightbulk moment when I was trying to pin him down on some important logistics around school pick up/ after school care/ work/ playdate or whatever and it was for a few days hence and he got all snippy with me and said something like, "I just don't want to think about this now. We'll deal with it when it comes up." And I lost it and was very angry and very sarcastic and it was like a lightbulb went off in his head.

You need to reframe your thoughts; you shouldn't need to give him more responsibility - he is as responsible for your child as you are. He needs to take more responsibility.

i had this, but from the opposite realisation.

My ExH used to work lates, so he was in bed when i got up with the kids, and at work 2-10 so was never around in the evenings either. I did everything myself quite happily with minimal input from him.

But the weekends and his two week summer shut down.. omg, i hated it, him being home made life SO much harder, upset the happy routine we had, he invariably upset the kids, tried to throw his weight around on stuff he never involved himself in.

Then he got made redundant, was underfoot for 6 months and turned the house upside down.
He did get more work, but it was on an 8-5 and our marriage didn't last, because i couldn't stand him trying to constantly tell us all what to do, he became an abusive bully, and one of those 'i go out to work all day i expect dinner on the table when i get home' people who did the bare minimum at home but claimed to be doing 'everything' and calling me lazy... bare in mind my oldest is disabled and so am i.

We split when the kids were 8 and 11, and i have never looked back, the last 8 years have been unendingly peaceful, and the kids hate being in his house, and have begun refusing to visit him now.

Time for a chat.

My husband and I were starting to hit this point and we turned it around (significantly) so there is hope if you both get stuck in x

Without wanting to minimise your frustration at all OP, I do think this is one of the best kept secrets about single parenting, it’s just easier in terms of not having to negotiate with another adult in your own home. Other people make households more complex. I think some of that complexity is inevitable, you will disagree/have different ways of doing things and so on even if you have a good state of flow between you. I don’t know if that’s helpful and it does sound like he needs a massive wake up call

I have posted this before @SuperMonkey889. I hear all you say. My DH was in a surgeon genre job and had a lot of leeway. After the nth time of him announcing late on a Friday or first thing on a Saturday "I'm going to work then football, the Oval, golf, etc., I caught him out very early one morning and said "I am out for the day today, will be gone by 8am. The children's activities are all listed for you" They were about 3 and 6ish. He had to:

Breakfast
Dress them
Take to football, to drama, he was given addresses and times, obviously collect and then do party drops - presents, cards and wrappings left out for him.
Fit in their lunch
Give them tea
Bath time and stories

I went to London and did some galleries and shops and was done by about 3.30 but determined not to get home before 7.30 so I had some bus rides. It was a bit miserable frankly.

When I got home, everything was spotless, he was very quiet and ordered a takeaway and poured me wine. We never discussed it again. He never did it again.

I would agree that sometimes things were easier when he was away. One less to look after and tea time picnics in the sitting room.

His job meant I had to be very independent and just cracked on. The advantages outweighed the disadvantages for me and fundamentally he is decent, kind and moral if a bit pernickety.

It's interesting how many of the responses involve more 'management', not less, for you.

What do you want to happen? Maybe you can make it clear what you will no longer be doing rather than making lists or plans for him.

This is the reality for a lot of men but unfortunately you have to force the issue. Stop stepping in to save them stop being anxious about leaving them to manage a baby and toddler.

let them figure it out and make mistakes along the way. Let them do it if the cloths are mismatched or they have dinner late or theirs no clean clothes so what.

every time you jump in save someone from themselves you create the expectation that you will do it and think you can do it better

don’t answer when they call when you are out to ask nonsense questions.