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Original poster

Easier without DH, I'm livid

154 replies

SuperMonkey889 · 06/08/2025 03:29

First time mum to an extremely active 12 month old. No family nearby at all, just me and DH. He had to take a 2 week work trip recently, I cannot tell you how much I was dreading it. I was genuinely scared how I'd cope alone with DS, on top of working full time.

Well....DH is back and....I've just realised it was easier without him. Not physically, physically it was harder (especially as DS was teething for half the time so was waking 5x night for a few days).

Mentally, so much easier. No negotiations, no having to give instructions, no expectations unmet, no moaning from DS because DH is meant to watch him but he's looking at his phone, wasn't stuck in the house because DH NEVER wants to go out in the morning.

On paper, DH does a lot. But it's all under my "supervision" (I can't find a better word, management maybe?). It's fucking exhausting.

Anyway, I can barely look at DH now. I'm so angry with him. It's like a mask has fallen off or something and I've realized just how much I do and how useless he is. Where do I go from here?

OP posts:
JG24 · 06/08/2025 07:44

Wiltingasparagusfern · 06/08/2025 06:16

This is why we need a better parental leave system, because at the moment what often happens is that the woman becomes the “expert” in the baby and shit, lazy men retreat into learned helplessness. My friend had one of these and she did manage, through sheer bloody mindedness, to make him less shit, but as above she did have to credibly threaten divorce and I think they had a whole tedious period of therapy/book reading to do it. There’s a graphic novel called the mental load that might be worth having a look at/showing to him.

Edited

I thank shared parental leave for us being fairly equal parents. I am a massive advocate for it

LilacPony · 06/08/2025 07:45

I hear you. And so do many of my friends. I think it’s easier without them because you have no expectations on another person. You know everything is down to you, and you crack on and do it. But when they’re around you have an expectation towards that person to do X Y and Z or you instruct them to do X Y and Z. That expectation can be dragging (will they/wont they do it?will I have to remind them?how many times will I have to remind them?) and as you’ve now experienced life can just be easier when you’re alone and just crack on.

80smonster · 06/08/2025 07:46

Make a rota on excel, tell him you want him to keep it updated and on top of his half. There you go, deferred management, good luck OP.

Evergreen21 · 06/08/2025 07:59

You talk about it in the first instance. I had to when we had dd1 but in the first few weeks Dh would just default to me and ask everything. I've clearly got a lot less patience than you and told him that like him I'd never had kids before, was learning on the job and the only thing I did 'better' than him was trust my instincts with regards to her. It turned out he was afraid he would do something wrong and as she was so precious and new he thought it best to check in with me. After that it was like a light bulb switched on and I never had to micromanage him with any of our children again. He is very much an equal parent and a whole lot more patient than I am with them.

My advice is to start with the conversation. He will get defensive as on paper he does a lot but you need to explain with specific examples. So for example if he does the physical act of getting your one year old dressed for the day but you need to pick the clothes, iron them, tell them where they are then it isn't that helpful to you. If he takes him out but you have to pack the nappy bag, sort out bottles and snacks, and book where they are going , then again it isn't helpful to you.

He sounds disinterested in being a parent so that doesn't bode well.

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 06/08/2025 08:00

KickHimInTheCrotch · 06/08/2025 06:04

The thing is, these men aren't as useless in other areas of life. Presumably he holds down a job in which he needs to be competent without someone spoonfeeding him. But at home you've got into this dynamic where you manage everything and he lets himself be crap.

My relationship was definitely like this and it ended soon after DC2 was born. I really could not be in the same room as him, I had lost all respect because of how he always let me do all the difficult things and he didn't want to be an active, involved parent. No amount of talks helped. They descended into him being defensive and me "nagging" and nothing changed. He genuinely thought he was doing loads for the family by cooking tea once a week and seemed to think i should provide him with detailed instructions every time i left the house. After he moved out he magically stepped up. When the DC were with him, he had to do everything that I had previously done, and he did. He took them out for activities, he cooked, cleaned, made packed lunches, helped with homework, got up in the night with them, potty trained. He is genuinely a very good parent now.

But he's only like this now because no one else is there to do these things or to tell him what to do when.

Its so sad it takes breaking up for some men to step up as parents! If only they could do it while still married to their childrens' mother. Sorry you went through this 😔

Tontostitis · 06/08/2025 08:01

I left my children's father with a five-year-old and the three year old slept on Friends floors for six weeks and carved a life for myself and honestly every day I thought my god this is so much easier. My children are now in the late 30s parents themselves and I have absolutely zero regrets.

ItsameLuigi · 06/08/2025 08:02

I felt the same with my kids dad. We aren't together now and I'm a single mum to two and it's much easier.

reluctantbrit · 06/08/2025 08:03

Are you still on maternity leave or just returned to work?
I found that during maternity leave I would do the most and DH mainly acted on instructions. So yes, in a way him on a work trip showed how much I "coached" him.

As soon as I was back at work and when I also started travelling when DD was 16 months, it definitely changed. He was responsible for nursery pick-up, he would automatically help/take over at night, did his days for bedtime (we alternate) without me asking/prompting.
When I was away he did all and it worked.

I went back p/t so there were still plenty of areas I did like shopping for DD or activities but that was to be expected.

wherearemychickens · 06/08/2025 08:12

My DH does loads of the daily house running and just to say that even with that, there's still something 'easier' about life when he's away. I think it's just there's no mental clutter about who is doing what and no expectations to manage. So even in a life with a DH who definitely pulls his weight, the 'DH away, this is less complicated' dynamic is there.

Luckyingame · 06/08/2025 08:16

Unfortunately, if money is no issue, it's almost always better without them.
Apart from not wanting kids, I don't think I would be able to trust any man to step up in this matter.
I understand why you see him differently.

HeyWiggle · 06/08/2025 08:19

I think the only way to resolve this is to take time away from home, a regular day, a weekend or week to enable DH to take charge. You need to step back, let things fall apart a bit for him to step up

ACommonTreasuryForAll · 06/08/2025 08:21

Now don't forget what you've seen.

Best of luck, OP.

MattCauthon · 06/08/2025 08:22

I think the fact that you are so.angry and can so clearly see the issue is actually a really good thing. For a lot of women, it can take years to fully understand, not least because when they express concerns they are often dismissed by wider society and their partner. You have skippped all that bull shit and gone straight to "this is not ok".

Things can only change when you are 100% clear in.your own mind that it's unacceptable.

The tough bit now is whether your dh will be willing to hear you and do the work to change. You have to be very clear about what the problem is. Separate in your own head where its a different style vs him being useless. Practice what you will say or do when he defaults to you so that you are prepared every time.

Muffinmam · 06/08/2025 08:26

I completely understand where you are coming from. I found raising my baby/toddler easier when my partner was away.

When he was home it was constant stress and ridicule. I did everything and he would sit on the couch and call me lazy.

I understand now why women are choosing to be single. It is so peaceful when he’s not home. As our child grows he constantly annoys him and tells me to “shut up”. I talk to our child a lot as he is speech delayed and is finally talking. I’m in a constant state of stress when he is home.

Emonade · 06/08/2025 08:32

SuperMonkey889 · 06/08/2025 03:29

First time mum to an extremely active 12 month old. No family nearby at all, just me and DH. He had to take a 2 week work trip recently, I cannot tell you how much I was dreading it. I was genuinely scared how I'd cope alone with DS, on top of working full time.

Well....DH is back and....I've just realised it was easier without him. Not physically, physically it was harder (especially as DS was teething for half the time so was waking 5x night for a few days).

Mentally, so much easier. No negotiations, no having to give instructions, no expectations unmet, no moaning from DS because DH is meant to watch him but he's looking at his phone, wasn't stuck in the house because DH NEVER wants to go out in the morning.

On paper, DH does a lot. But it's all under my "supervision" (I can't find a better word, management maybe?). It's fucking exhausting.

Anyway, I can barely look at DH now. I'm so angry with him. It's like a mask has fallen off or something and I've realized just how much I do and how useless he is. Where do I go from here?

I feel exactly the same!!! It is so much easier without my DP here, even though it is physically harder. It is so difficult and I don’t know how to manage it either.

DaftNoodle · 06/08/2025 08:35

I’m divorced now thankfully. But this is exactly how I felt. After having children my eyes were suddenly opened and the realisation that I did and organised everything. I raised it multiple times and I remember even putting a timetable together to show him when the bins needed to go out and what time the baby needed bathing etc.. I lost respect and felt so much resentment that the anger just boiled inside me. I totally checked out eventually then told him I wanted a divorce.
ironically he manages to run his own house just fine by himself!! The day he left the relief and peace I felt that I no longer had to parent him as well was immense.

Dancingsquirrels · 06/08/2025 08:37

Luckyingame · 06/08/2025 08:16

Unfortunately, if money is no issue, it's almost always better without them.
Apart from not wanting kids, I don't think I would be able to trust any man to step up in this matter.
I understand why you see him differently.

That's a depressing take on men and relationships

Yes, some men are useless but many aren't

OP talks of giving instructions, her expectations are unmet etc. To me that sounds quite controlling

Praying4Peace · 06/08/2025 08:38

I bought my son up as a single parent but I have friends who had similar experiences to yours. For those who were able to get their OH to make the required changes, their relationships have survived the course. Some stayed for financial reasons. I can't talk from experience but the baby years are the hardest in relationships.
For me, single parenthood was hard and lonely and didn't get easier as parenting evolved.
But every story is different and there is a price to pay either way.

piscofrisco · 06/08/2025 08:39

I think people are being overharsh a bit. It’s different when you are on your own as you sort of get in a mindset where you know you will have to do it all and so you just get on with it and power through and you are amazed at what you have got done.
It gets exhausting long term though and lonely.
When he was away of course the house was as you like it and his stuff wasn’t left all over the place. But you have to remember that it’s his house too. He perhaps isn’t bothered by his shoes left in the hallway where you might be, therefore it’s a relief to you when they aren’t there. But that’s just different standards and there has to be a compromise somewhere.

of course if your DH genuinely just does nothing ever and never helps as well as adding to your load then you aren’t being unreasonable.
Just don’t underestimate the sort of initial adrenaline (and pleasure ) of having your own house and space to sort out and manage as you please. It’s great. But long term it throws up different issues.

Summerleaf · 06/08/2025 08:39

Grandparent here. My solution was to split the various jobs completely including the mental load element. DH and I each did what fitted in with our work commitments/stuff we were good at, liked or really mattered to us. If we both hated it we tried to 'buy it in'. It does meant that you have to be very disciplined to ignore any fall out and accept that things may be done differently. For example, DH did the morning school run and soon learned to gather stuff the night before. The 3 DC learned to check they had what they needed and it helped them becoming more independent.

DH was and still is am amazing (grand)parent and we are still together and both working 50 years after we met.....

Praying4Peace · 06/08/2025 08:40

piscofrisco · 06/08/2025 08:39

I think people are being overharsh a bit. It’s different when you are on your own as you sort of get in a mindset where you know you will have to do it all and so you just get on with it and power through and you are amazed at what you have got done.
It gets exhausting long term though and lonely.
When he was away of course the house was as you like it and his stuff wasn’t left all over the place. But you have to remember that it’s his house too. He perhaps isn’t bothered by his shoes left in the hallway where you might be, therefore it’s a relief to you when they aren’t there. But that’s just different standards and there has to be a compromise somewhere.

of course if your DH genuinely just does nothing ever and never helps as well as adding to your load then you aren’t being unreasonable.
Just don’t underestimate the sort of initial adrenaline (and pleasure ) of having your own house and space to sort out and manage as you please. It’s great. But long term it throws up different issues.

Truly brilliant post.
Thank you for the insight and honesty

justasking111 · 06/08/2025 08:40

VegemiteOnToast · 06/08/2025 04:48

You need to go out sans child and leave him to it more often.

Have a proper discussion and get some agreements on the table, eg one of you gets a sleep in each weekend day.

This!!

Leave him to it. I'd go do the shopping in the evening. Was blissful. Leave your phone in the car though

Bowup · 06/08/2025 08:41

The only thing that seems to work is leaving them with the house and the child often and with no instructions/help.
My marriage ended due to this sort of behaviour, I couldn’t stomach the rage I felt.

Sdpbody · 06/08/2025 08:42

I had to give my husband areas of the house when DD1 was a baby.

He had the kitchen and had to make dinner, do the food shopping and clean up after dinner. The whole kitchen was his domain. If we had no milk, it wasn't my problem, he had to go out!

8 years later, and I still don't make dinner or do the food shop.

Victoria39 · 06/08/2025 08:45

SuperMonkey889 · 06/08/2025 03:29

First time mum to an extremely active 12 month old. No family nearby at all, just me and DH. He had to take a 2 week work trip recently, I cannot tell you how much I was dreading it. I was genuinely scared how I'd cope alone with DS, on top of working full time.

Well....DH is back and....I've just realised it was easier without him. Not physically, physically it was harder (especially as DS was teething for half the time so was waking 5x night for a few days).

Mentally, so much easier. No negotiations, no having to give instructions, no expectations unmet, no moaning from DS because DH is meant to watch him but he's looking at his phone, wasn't stuck in the house because DH NEVER wants to go out in the morning.

On paper, DH does a lot. But it's all under my "supervision" (I can't find a better word, management maybe?). It's fucking exhausting.

Anyway, I can barely look at DH now. I'm so angry with him. It's like a mask has fallen off or something and I've realized just how much I do and how useless he is. Where do I go from here?

I first became a mum in 1998 and I have lost count how many mums have said what you’ve said. It’s not how it should be and it’s such a wake up call isn’t it

My husband is brilliant in lots of ways but was lazy to start with. I did not put up with that and told him in the first week of being wed that fairy’s don’t do housework, childcare and sex. He soon got the message and did his share.

27 years on we still together with several kids and are expecting a baby in December!