Easier without DH, I'm livid

[SuperMonkey889]

First time mum to an extremely active 12 month old. No family nearby at all, just me and DH. He had to take a 2 week work trip recently, I cannot tell you how much I was dreading it. I was genuinely scared how I'd cope alone with DS, on top of working full time.

Well....DH is back and....I've just realised it was easier without him. Not physically, physically it was harder (especially as DS was teething for half the time so was waking 5x night for a few days).

Mentally, so much easier. No negotiations, no having to give instructions, no expectations unmet, no moaning from DS because DH is meant to watch him but he's looking at his phone, wasn't stuck in the house because DH NEVER wants to go out in the morning.

On paper, DH does a lot. But it's all under my "supervision" (I can't find a better word, management maybe?). It's fucking exhausting.

Anyway, I can barely look at DH now. I'm so angry with him. It's like a mask has fallen off or something and I've realized just how much I do and how useless he is. Where do I go from here?

This is so true.

in my case, things improved when I went on strike for a very long time - two years. Just before that I was at divorce stage so he didn’t argue. I snapped the day he accused me of being like his father (a bully) because I’d asked him to do something three times.

The only thing I did was my own laundry, and I kept the lounge in a satisfactory condition so I wasn’t in squalor. I left every other thing to him, including all the children stuff. This meant he had to cope with my daughter’s immense distress when he forgot to pay dance exam fees, for example. A very tough reality check for being feckless.

It gave me the opportunity to point out home truths: the way he raged when the children put their dirty dishes next to the bin in the kitchen, instead of the dishwasher. (He used to leave his in his office for me to collect).

It also stopped him dumping his dirty laundry in the lounge for me to pick up to take to the laundry because HE had to carry it to laundry and contend with the children dumping their things where he used to.

It also meant he appreciated how much I’d done.

When I started helping again, I warned him if it ever slides again I’ll go on strike again. My past experience has been if I do a tiny thing it’s ’oh thank god she’s back’ and it all goes to pot again.

Lots of men are like this. They focus in a very linear fashion on their careers/work and leave the child rearing and mental load of family management to the woman. Happens all the time, has done since time began. It’s very hard to try and flip the coin I’m afraid, a lot of men use their big important jobs to hide from having to pick up all the shit at home (sorry, I know I’m bitter but it’s true!)

at some point you have to leave your DH to parent and manage the home in they way they want. And stop directing and commenting or suggesting the way they do things.

unless you think your children will actually be in danger let go and stop treating your husbands like dependents. They’re not idiots they’re adults with executive function and reasoning skills

Oh and it’s also why many women seriously contemplate divorce once the hard years of being in the trenches with small children is over. They are fucking sick to the back teeth of lazy thinking, arrogant assumptions that stuff will just be done and they don’t want to shag their husbands any more because they find them insurmountably unattractive

I don't think it's about having late dinners and mismatches clothes, I think that's minimising what the OP is saying.

!!!!

this. Leave them to do it for a couple of months they will either rise to the Challenge and you will have an equal partner or they won’t and you get rid

This sort of comment actually annoys me quite a lot. Because too often, leaving the H to "parent and manage the home in the way they want" means the chidlren are on screens, aren't being fed, and are unhappy.

It's one thing to accept that my DH is going to be doing laundry at 11 at night which drives me mad but is his right to do it when it suits him. It's entirely another if he would just continue to leave it until there were no clean clothes for anyone to wear.

Ditto, it's not being too demanding to expect that a grown adult can think ahead about the need for dinner for a small person or that they could consider, plan and book and activity for mid morning and then get out the door with all the things required for that activity without having to be micromanaged.

I have no idea where some people have got the idea that the OP is controlling?

Have days out on your own more often

yes but you can’t force and adult to do things the exact way you want every time. When children are unhappy they let you and you adjust? Or do never experience unhappy children. If one parent gives more screen time to either does cuss if that’s a parenting rule you’ve agreed on. Or accept the situation will be the same when he has them of you split.

if there’s no clean clothes then there’s no clean clothes??? Learning and changing requires consequences. The dirty clothes are part of it. Wash your own things so you’re not embarrassed but that’s it.

you cannot micromanage and adult your whole life that way lies madness. All parents learn via their children none of this is inherent so yes he has to learn to be decent parent and that mean discovering what happens when your kids is tantruming over tv or miserable because they had a shit dinner etc etc

I loved being a single mum to 2 children not having to mentally think about another person and their things. He also had them for 3 day EOW so I had a good break and a refresh. It bloody works wonders. 😁

Yes single parenting can be exhausting, but it is nowhere near as exhausting as trying to do it with with someone who is happy for you to pull their weight, while feeling aggrieved that you won't provide a sex service alongside it all.

It's a heaven in comparison.

Second this. YOU need to go away for 2 weeks. He’ll need to find a way to function and feed himself and the child and survive. They’ll be fine and learn a lot.

Agree.

Sounds like you have little to lose by laying it out for him: it was easier while you were gone for me, which just confirmed what I was already feeling about your inability to contribute without being constantly managed by me. It's not what I signed up for. You're a fully functioning adult with a job, just like me, who should be able to figure out for himself what needs to be done at home, too, just like me.

Nothing makes your sex drive disappear faster than a man child who you have to micromanage. If he hasn't stepped up to parenting a year in, OP, he isn't ever going to. So this is the rest of your life.

I'd give him a chance - but I wouldn't hold your breath.

I thought this when my ex left. I honestly didn't think I'd cope without him. As it turned out it was easier for the same reasons you mentioned. I just did the cleaning, without being at a stand off over who's turn it was, for example. No resentment, just got on with it.

Some things were trickier (going to the supermarket and not being able to leave the kids at home for example). But nothing insurmountable, which was sad really.

No, This is bollocks. If there are no clean clothes and he is in charge of laundry, he is failing at the task. If you mean there are no clean clothes ONE time and it's a learning curve for him, fine, sure, that might work. But no, it's not an acceptable thing to shrug your shoulders on a regular basis and if my partner has agreed that he's in charge of laundry, I have every right to be frustrated if I don't have clean pants.

Unhappy children sometimes is fine. Unhappy children because they are never taken out, spend all their time in dirty clothes and are regularly fed is not okay. And I bet your next comment is that the children will let the man know if they're unhappy - but we all know that the sort of men we're talking about will simply ignore the crying and the whining.

There's a huge difference between one parent allowing a bit more screen time vs a situation where one parent ONLY ever stays at home with the children on screens while the other one does all the activities and socialising. And to pretend it's the same is purposefully ignoring the reality of piss poor parents and partners who aren't stepping up.

Incidentally, DH and/or I have had to take DS to A&E a few times for various things. We've always been treated with kindness and respect. Questions were asked, but all perfectly normal ones. I was FASCINATED the time exBIL had to take their DS to the hospital because he'd smashed his head when in his care. He was quizzed and when SIl turned up, she was quizzed too. why? I can only assume because nurses and doctors have a radar for the men who when the children are in their care are just sitting there doing F-All (exBIL was definitely one of those men) and therefore the accidents are close to negligence than a genuine accident....

People think useless men function at work but sadly many don't. I've "worked" with numerous useless men in my profession and some of them have been outstandingly useless. They also expected us women to fetch and carry for them. One in particular used to swan in very late in the morning and ask why I had not got his notes out for him. I was his senior 😂 My favourite word I used around him was no. He actually had the temerity to report me for not being a team player. He didn't get anywhere, everyone knew what he was like.

Yes, it might be depressing.
Obviously, everyone is in a different boat.
Do you think these are exaggerated expectations?
Sometimes I'm glad not to have these particular experiences.

I would have thought it was blindingly obvious that he is choosing Not to do that.

The victim blaming on here is as rife as usual.

Wow, I feel for you. Personally I think I’d be tempted to go back to living as you did while DH was away - don’t ask him for anything or expect anything. Don’t tell him he’s not needed, show him.
It’s up to you whether you stay with him knowing he’s not going to share the mental load of parenting; although maybe he’ll up his game if he feels he’s doing it through choice, not because he’s told to. Is there anything he does that’s helpful? Using the sort of tactic you use on children, would it help to praise him for what he is doing right and ignore the bad behaviour in the hope of encouraging the good? Yes it’s very infantilising to think of him in these terms and not sexy at all but the psychology is sound, I think.

I have very low standards for housework. I'm fine with the kids wearing slightly dirty clothes around the house, or having weird outfits if we're going out.

I'm open to anything for dinner if someone else is cooking, I hoover once per week max, and I wash everything together and as infrequently as I can get away with. I couldn't be less controlling.

The issue isn't that ex 'wasn't doing things to my standards' the issue was that ex didn't take responsibility for anything and the people that suffered were the kids and I. Edit: in fact, he resented that I didn't do as much for him now that I also had the kids to look after - eg pack his clothes when we went on holiday (I did get the bags out of the loft, check the suitcase sizes and give him pods - he just had to put stuff in them for himself ffs)

And if he did do something, he wouldn't consider anyone else at all - eg making spicy chicken, leaving the kitchen in a state after, and making it so spicy and with plain rice so the kids (who eat spicy stuff, but do have limits) didn't eat. Then he'd have a go at them if they tried to make something for themselves that they would eat.

My 14 year old is more considerate and better house-trained, and my 11 year old is a far better cook (although we're still working on the cleaning up end of making dinner). They can both pack for themselves (and whatever they've been assigned for the family - eg. everyone's toothbrushes) when we go away too, and plan their own entertainment/snacks for the journey

I would take @anastaisia's advice, and if no progress, marriage therapy, and if no progress, maybe divorce would give you a better balance in life.

Please don't have any more children until this is resolved. It will suck.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I'm glad your eyes are open. I've read what you wrote, and a few responses. One bit that stands out to me:.
"it's a constant negotiation. If he could get away with doing nothing, he will"
That is exhausting & very disrespectful.

I think if you want to try save the relationship you should talk to him when the baby is sleeping. Perhaps give him a heads-up that you need a big chat. Tell him straight the issue for you. Don't offer solutions (for him to negotiate down). Either he offers real solutions and follows up with actions... or this new view of him sticks forever. Maybe the relationship is done or you need a trial separation.

When you tell him straight I think the key points are:
1/ that the two weeks without him were actually easier than having him around.
2/ Its harder when he's around as he adds mess and chores and when he does things you have to supervise him and deal with him trying to negotiate to do less
3/ His inability to be an adult and partner is physically and emotionally exhausting. You are tired of being disappointed and resentful of him.
4/ Having to be his mummy has killed your sex drive. If he ever wants sex again he needs to act like an adult.
5/ You are not doing the mental and emotional work to come up with solutions. The ball is in his court. He needs to step up if he wants the relationship to succeed.

If you think you are done with the relationship, then quietly look at your finances and decided what works for you. Perhaps you stay living together until a child is closer to school age. Perhaps you kick him out, or move our now. Is there a spare bedroom and he'd accept a trial separation? Just do what works for you and look after yourself and your baby.

Perhaps just think about it all for now while you take a step back from him. Do the absolute bare minimum for him, and keep asking him to do chores but don't supervise or negotiate. Maybe ask him to clean the bathroom and vacuum once a week, and does his own laundry.

Goodluck!

It does mean that initially, and for as long as he thinks he’s the babysitter and not the real actual parent. But it can change. It’s not easy but you have to be strong.

Referring back to my earlier comment at 10:50 —

Laundry did not get done. This resulted in my daughter having a total hysterical meltdown one morning when she didn’t have a clean skirt for school. Sobbing in distress. I pretended to sleep through it, even though I was dying inside. It meant DH had to hand wash a skirt then dry it with a hairdryer. She missed the bus, so he had to drive her to school. DS was late for school because times were thrown out. He learned that doing this compromises her trust in him and uniforms are now sorted on a Sunday- the way they should be.

When DH goes away I do 100% of the tasks: the house is spotless, meals are done, kids are organised. The children notice and comment that they prefer things when Dad is away. This hurts him because he believes he does a lot. I just tell him he obviously doesn’t do as much as he thinks he does and try harder.

The kids get pissed off with all his sighing and comment on it. He walks into the kitchen and sighs, sees the laundry basket and sighs … never used to sigh at all when I did it. When I did it there was no sighing. I now put my headphones on and listen to a podcast.

I’ve also told him that ‘being the man’ is now my preferred state. I can understand why he liked it so much. I have so much time to finally get a career on track and it has been wonderful for me. (Putting aside the internal rage.)

I believe I am modelling to a son and a daughter that women deserve to be treated with respect and fairness. Both my children have started to be more responsible for things in their own life because their father is now motivated to get them to help, because it helps HIM. So they have two parents expecting certain behaviour from them, instead of one speaking into a void and the other on his phone.

To outsiders, I’m a hard nosed bitch. But I tell you - it was this or divorce. The damage was deep and still there. I’m still fucking angry that society is set up for me to be the unpaid servant.

I do help now but I have a zero tolerance for disrespectful slovenly shit. Yesterday I sent him a photo of the sink he left me to deal with. He did the dishes, but left the plug full of washed out spaghetti, clogs of fat and chunks of grey cat food. Next to it an empty cat food tin full of water with oil slick. And beside it two soggy teabags. My comment was ‘Seriously …?’ He said, “I just forgot and I never do that, it’s not fair ”. (Not true). To which I’ve promised him a photo every time I see it. This just tells me I’m still in battle mode.