Cliche, caught husband watching porn

[Krispiecakes24]

First time poster, long time lurker. I've read so many people receiving words of wisdom here and I can't believe I'm posting. Here goes.

Married 16 years, together 20 and 2 DC. Found my husband's phone in the bathroom of our holiday apartment, still on and showing lesbian porn. He came back to gwt it and saw me so he knows I know. I am so shocked and upset. I know some people are ok with porn but we've never used it in our relationship and never discussed that he uses it sometimes. It's made me feel ugly, unwanted, undesirable, stupid and naive. He's not who I thought he was.

Cliche, we've been having less sex lately for the usual reasons - young kids, busy lives, too tired but we've been speaking about it (at my insistence) and we've always been able to speak about anything. I get upset about lack of affection from him, I feel like he jumps straight to sex when he's barely touched me for days and I hate it.

We've talked tonight once DC were in bed and he was almost defensive, said most men watch porn, it's a fantasy and not real life and he's really ashamed. I told him how it made me feel and he said nothing. I honestly don't know where we go from here. We're working on other issues and have looked into marriage counselling but never got round to booking anything.

He's ruined our holiday (I feigned feeling unwell to explain my mood to DCs and missed out on a sunny afternoon with them) and I feel he's ruined us. Am I being melodramatic? He's sleeping in another room tonight, not sure how long we'll get away with that in front of DC. I love our family so much, I'm just devastated.

you’re not being melodramatic op, l haven’t got any advice, but l’m following.Hopefully there will be lot’s of really helpful and supportive advice.

A lot of people are fine with it but I feel the same as you op. Your feelings are valid

His response that most men watch porn is also a cliche.
I don't think you are being melodramatic OP. I wouldn't be able to feel the same about my partner again if I found he watched porn.
It's all about violence against women. The degradation of women. The exploitation of women. It reduces sex to an animalistic act devoid of love and affection. It affects a man's ability to have a normal relationship with a woman in real life.
I'm so sorry this has happened OP.

Honestly I think you are being melodramatic. Most men use porn. They are very visually stimulated and it won’t mean anything more than that to them. You can obviously disagree with the porn industry and that’s a valid argument, but your response is like he’s cheated. I could understand this a bit more if you had discussed it previously and you had both agreed that it was a deal breaker for you but by your own admission you’ve never brought it up and for some bizarre reason you just assumed he didn’t use it? Why? I would always assume the opposite. I also think most men would compartmentalise this completely in their heads and it wouldn’t occur to them it would be a problem unless you mentioned it.

It sounds like you have other issues including with affection and maybe that’s triggering a bigger reaction in you here.

In the short term, I think you need to agree with your husband to park this until you get home for the sake of your children’s holiday and try to enjoy it yourself. I think you’ll regret it if you disrupt their holiday over this.

Then when you get home, prioritise the couples counselling so you can work through some of these issues including this incident.

@Rigit How can you possibly know most men watch porn.The point of the thread, they’re not having a physical relationship and he’s using porn instead, that’s why op is upset.And that’s not being melodramatic.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. When we've discussed the lack of sex before I asked him if he masturbates to see if it was a lack of sex drive issue and porn was never mentioned. We've never discussed using it. It does sound like he's compartmentalised it. I asked him how often he's done it and he says not often because we have strong filters on the house WiFi and he basically took advantage of the hotel WiFi. Which makes me feel gross tbh but I do believe him.

There are two types of men: men who say that they watch porn, and liars.

@NaiceBalonz so all men are the same?
Isn’t this more about there’s no physical relationship.If you’re in a relationship and regularly watch porn, be open about it.

There are many, many men who don't watch porn.

It's the opportunistic nature of it which hurts too. Me and the kids were out, it was mid-morning, we'd all had breakfast and he thought he'd just what, have a wank in peace?! Meanwhile I can't remember the last time he touched me. As in just touched, not sexually. No cuddles, no stroking of the arm, no squeeze of the waist when he walks past me in the kitchen.

Could you let me know where please? 😁 Who are these mythical men?! I've looked for years as I want to date porn-free men!

Your issue isn’t the porn use per se, that’s just a red herring. Your issue is lack of affection & intimacy which you should definitely address with him. If porn use is a deal breaker for you, you need to communicate that.

Well given that men who do watch porn are unable to sustain real life relationships there is likely to be a higher proportion of them in the dating pool.
And if you are meeting men via online dating I think it's well known how many of those are pretty unsavoury.

I can understand your feelings OP around this, having recently found out my DH has a porn habit. I am not so naive to have assumed he never looked at it but his regular use, for me is upsetting. There is all the issues around exploitation in the industry as has been mentioned, as well as the realisation of how my DH views women and his attitude to sex, which is a big turn off for me. The other factor for me, was him chosing to spend his time viewing porn, over being with me. So I can understand your feelings OP and how you may feel it could impact your relationship, respect and attraction to your DH.
My DH too, said 70% of men watch porn and it has nothing to do with his attitude to women, sex and intimacy in reality, but I struggle with this
OP, agree with your DH to park this until you are back from holiday, make it clear you are upset about it but don't want to spoil the holiday for DC. Counselling when you are back would help you both discuss it in a constructive way to help you both understand each other's perspective

Thank you all for replying and being so kind and understanding. Will definitely need to make counselling a priority to try and get to a better place. Sending support to those in similar positions. Off to bury my feelings (again) and be happy for my DC.

I'm curious OP how you would feel if you found him masturbating without porn?

I'm just curious whether it's specifically the porn that's the issue here

Good question. I'm pretty sure it's the porn. I hate the exploitation of women (which is how I view the vast majority of porn. Im pretty sure when he googled lesbian porn he didn't ask for ethical), the fact they were young and thin (which I am not) are they doing things he wants me to do? The whole thing feels seedy and gross which is not who I thought he was. I'm not grossed out by him masturbating in private.

I feel the same as you op. Big difference between wanking and wanking to the exploitation of women and fetishisation of lesbians.

I'm a married man (for context.) I think quite a few men start a relationship thinking "I'm fine not watching porn" but after a while they might feel like life is a bit repetitive and think "actually a bit of porn might be exciting, most guys watch it so it should be fine, it's not fair if I'm not allowed to, so I'll just watch a bit". I'm not trying to justify it - just offering an explanation. My wife doesn't care whether I watch porn. Sometimes I don't watch at all for a year or two, but sometimes I watch it a bit, sometimes after I've been feeling less connected with my wife for a while.

That's an interesting perspective, thank you

I think however anyone else would react is totally irrelevant. You are not happy about it. The fact that he says all men watch porn is irrelevant too. I think it is unlikely he does not masturbate. This is a natural thing. I can understand your wondering though if your sex life has dwindled.

It is an interesting perspective @MoonbeamsGlittering , but if you sometimes watch porn at times when you are feeling less connected with your wife, how do you see watching porn would help make you both feel better connected?
To me it would feel better to find other ways to help with improving your intimacy and connection, like talking about you how you are both feeling and spending time together. .To me watching porn is about rejecting intimacy and seeking a quick thrill, but appreciate your views and honesty

Well given that men who do watch porn are unable to sustain real life relationships there is likely to be a higher proportion of them in the dating pool.

@Ohthatsmeback perhaps I’m misunderstanding - are you saying that all men who watch porn are unable to sustain real life relationships? Only men who don’t watch porn can sustain relationships?

If I was saying that it would be ridiculous!
As I'm sure you are fully aware.

@Missteefied Oh yes, I agree that porn doesn't help the connection. I watch porn when my wife seems too busy with work and hobbies to spend much time with me. I would never choose porn over my wife. I do try to talk with her about it all too. Often she is too busy to make time for talking but occasionally it happens. But when she has no time for me then my choices are a bit of porn or a lot of nothing. I am concerned about the ethical side too and I try to be careful in my choices.