Cliche, caught husband watching porn

[Krispiecakes24]

First time poster, long time lurker. I've read so many people receiving words of wisdom here and I can't believe I'm posting. Here goes.

Married 16 years, together 20 and 2 DC. Found my husband's phone in the bathroom of our holiday apartment, still on and showing lesbian porn. He came back to gwt it and saw me so he knows I know. I am so shocked and upset. I know some people are ok with porn but we've never used it in our relationship and never discussed that he uses it sometimes. It's made me feel ugly, unwanted, undesirable, stupid and naive. He's not who I thought he was.

Cliche, we've been having less sex lately for the usual reasons - young kids, busy lives, too tired but we've been speaking about it (at my insistence) and we've always been able to speak about anything. I get upset about lack of affection from him, I feel like he jumps straight to sex when he's barely touched me for days and I hate it.

We've talked tonight once DC were in bed and he was almost defensive, said most men watch porn, it's a fantasy and not real life and he's really ashamed. I told him how it made me feel and he said nothing. I honestly don't know where we go from here. We're working on other issues and have looked into marriage counselling but never got round to booking anything.

He's ruined our holiday (I feigned feeling unwell to explain my mood to DCs and missed out on a sunny afternoon with them) and I feel he's ruined us. Am I being melodramatic? He's sleeping in another room tonight, not sure how long we'll get away with that in front of DC. I love our family so much, I'm just devastated.

I wouldn’t like it either

That’s true- but he is choosing that over intimacy, gentleness and connection with his wife. He is preferring to get off to a screen than have a healthy sexual relationship.

That’s a bit of a leap. According to the OP he doesn’t do it at home due to the filters and was taking advantage of the hotel wifi (though I’m not sure how true that is!)

Yeah he’s lying about that isn’t he! I’m surprised she believes him really.

If in the UK, I'm going to add the caveat of 'anymore'.

Some do stop, and some do or will go back to it.

@Mischance I do try to discuss things with my wife but often she is too busy to make time for us to talk together or spend time together in general. I've spent years trying to work on things. I also try to be careful about what I watch - more likely to be something decades old that would be very tame by today's standards. And I can go years without. I'm trying not to be part of the problem.

I think you are massively melodramatic. Humans are visual creatures they always have been hence pornographic cave paintings and a rich history of pornographic images, media, theatre. It really annoys me the entire trying to police someone elses masturbation habits that have absolutely nothing to do with them. Work on your own self esteem its not his fault you feel like that.

I think you need to put the porn to one side. I don't think porn is really the issue. The issue, to me, is a lack of intimacy in your relationship. You lack physical intimacy. Do you lack intimacy elsewhere on the relationship?

Why is your wife "too busy"?
Do you mean that she can't be bothered/ doesnt want to talk with you? Or does she need some help to make her less busy?
Could you be that help?

@Mischance I do more than half of house/kid stuff. I've offered to do more but she doesn't want it too imbalanced. She wants to focus on her career and planning trips. She's happy with an occasional quickie and minimal talking about relationship issues. I had hoped for a lot more time together. I'm still trying to work on things.

It is difficult for you I can see that. Your wife has reached a point in her life when sex does not feel so important to her. That is fine. But you do not share that view - that too is fine.

It sounds as though you are actually ticking along quite well as a couple
in spite of this imbalance. She is not refusing sex, but is not as enthusiastic as she once was; and you are not bereft of sexual intimacy completely - sounds like a lot of relationships to me! Sounds about par for the course!

Maybe it is about expectations. Perhaps sit down and write a list of all the good things in your relationship and your life in general.

If it is emotional intimacy that you need, then you could try and move this on by telling her that you are not always after sex when you try and get close to her; that you are happy for some warmth and sharing that does not involve sex. She needs to know that.

What does not help is resorting to wanking to the sight of exploited women - this will not endear you to her or increase your intimacy of all kinds. She will just disrespect you for having so little regard for women as people and buying in to women as objects for men's gratification. And if you are doing it behind her back and she does not know, then this secret will drive a wedge between you both, which is not what you want.

Wank away if you must - that is understandable - but don't involve exploited women in this - I am sure your imagination is fully intact!

@Mischance Thanks for your thoughts. My wife wants less of all kinds of intimacy than I would prefer. We have discussed it all before, including in couples counselling. I do accept that I am still lucky in many ways.

At the start of our relationship I asked about porn (and strip clubs) and said I was fine to watch zero porn if she wanted. She said she doesn't care. I care more about ethical consumption choices in general than she does. Out of interest, would you say that Sydney Sweeney or Denise Richards is/was exploited? Or did they just make a choice to get rich by disrobing? That's the level of porn that I'm more likely to watch (occasionally.)

@MoonbeamsGlittering out of interest, when you turn occasionally to porn, at times when you're feeling disconnected from your wife, what is it that you gain, what's the reward that is positive for you, and for your relationship, both in that moment and more long term?

@GoldDuster The gap between my sex drive and my wife's sex drive means that mostly I'm left with solo activity. I can use my imagination, and mostly I do, but it gets depressing for most of my sex life to be like that. Having a bit of (relatively tame) visual variety can make me feel less depressed about my situation, and more able to cope with staying in the relationship.

It's fascinating really, so the visual variety makes you feel less depressed. Is that because you fantasise you're having sex with the women in the porn you're viewing? You feel like you've had sex "with" someone, not alone?

@MoonbeamsGlittering

Not all people think the same way and for lots of people this would not be a big deal and would see it as an over reaction. However, Ultimately you have to be in a relationship that you are comfortable with and where you share the same values. if porn is a big deal for you and it isn't for him then you need to work out if this is so fundamental that you need to do something radical.

@GoldDuster I might think a bit about what sex with them might be like, but mostly no, it's a more sensory experience. I think it's a bit like smelling chocolate (if you like the smell.) It can just make your brain feel like "yes, this is good". You don't have to picture eating a chocolate bar. The sensory input just feels good on a simple level. But I'm still very aware that I'm alone and that's still sad. I get female attention in real life but not much from my wife and I feel wasted sometimes.

Again they’re 2 separate issues.

for some people removing the urgent arousal especially when not having sex makes it easier to connect as you can’t get rid of the immediate itch and and connection emotionally.

if your are get up from arousal and cuddling with your long term partner who doenrt necessarily want the pressure of sex after a bit of kid and cuddling you masturbate beforehandnor after. To remove the pressure or the distraction

this is very normal technique when trying to refind intimacy in a relationship.

im not excusing the behaviour. If porn is hard no that fine for OP. But it seems he didn’t know this

Not 2 separate issues no. He is choosing to use porn rather than have a sexual relationship with his wife. That is the 1 issue! it’s no wonder she is upset when she realised this is the choice he is making. That’s a very different situation to a healthy sex life plus masturbation alongside.

This is very sound advice.

Me too. I've been retired several years so met lots of men and had relationships with a good few and I've never found this unicorn species of men that do not watch porn. It is a huge ick for me as it is for many women including the OP.

Do you really think that men who know that their partner doesn't tolerate porn and understand and agree to boundaries around it will not watch it ever again? It is a secretive activity. With access to all sorts of devices it isnt difficult.

I’m hoping it’s less about variety of women and just that he feels he’s engaging in sexual acts.

Ok , I see this is a very sensitive subject and personally I assume that most men masturbate and watch and are stimulated by porn. Saying that I also assume most women masturbate and also some will watch porn and are stimulated by this too. I have a very high sex drive and will use porn to scratch an itch so to put it. It’s a healthy release . Not all porn is violent and degrading that’s not my thing . My fiancé does also partake and I’ve encouraged him to do it with me and we have tried but it was awkward and a bit giggly. We have a healthy sex life but if I feel horny and he is at work I will watch porn. He does the same. I don’t watch porn and want to do what I am watching it arouses me to watch . So I wouldn’t ever feel jealous of whatever he is watching as I understand it’s fantasy. I know this isn’t for everyone but it’s a healthy release and I think there is a lot of shame attached to porn and masturbation . I would say it’s easy to say it shameful and disgusting if you don’t understand it. I do know there is obviously a very dangerous awful side to it . I am aware of what I’m looking at. I have boundaries . I am not a young thing either and after years of this it’s no different to me than having a quick cuppa it is just part of my day if I need it . I hope you can communicate with your hubby OP and discover a happy resolve. Being very candid in the hope it helps you I watch lesbian porn on occasion it can be very beautiful and erotic . I am not interested in sleeping with women and i have never been . It’s fantasy and visually stimulating in that moment . I love my fiancé and I am more than happy . I don’t look elsewhere all my needs are met one way or another .

I’d be interested to hear people’s take on this aspect; I can understand that porn is visually arousing and to masturbate is just scratching an itch when your partner is unavailable or you’re too tired for much effort. What I struggle with is the thought my partner is actually fantasising about it when we’re together, and undermines our connection. Does anyone else worry about this?