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Original poster

Cliche, caught husband watching porn

115 replies

Krispiecakes24 · 04/08/2025 01:01

First time poster, long time lurker. I've read so many people receiving words of wisdom here and I can't believe I'm posting. Here goes.

Married 16 years, together 20 and 2 DC. Found my husband's phone in the bathroom of our holiday apartment, still on and showing lesbian porn. He came back to gwt it and saw me so he knows I know. I am so shocked and upset. I know some people are ok with porn but we've never used it in our relationship and never discussed that he uses it sometimes. It's made me feel ugly, unwanted, undesirable, stupid and naive. He's not who I thought he was.

Cliche, we've been having less sex lately for the usual reasons - young kids, busy lives, too tired but we've been speaking about it (at my insistence) and we've always been able to speak about anything. I get upset about lack of affection from him, I feel like he jumps straight to sex when he's barely touched me for days and I hate it.

We've talked tonight once DC were in bed and he was almost defensive, said most men watch porn, it's a fantasy and not real life and he's really ashamed. I told him how it made me feel and he said nothing. I honestly don't know where we go from here. We're working on other issues and have looked into marriage counselling but never got round to booking anything.

He's ruined our holiday (I feigned feeling unwell to explain my mood to DCs and missed out on a sunny afternoon with them) and I feel he's ruined us. Am I being melodramatic? He's sleeping in another room tonight, not sure how long we'll get away with that in front of DC. I love our family so much, I'm just devastated.

OP posts:
MissJoGrant · 06/08/2025 00:26

Didimum · 04/08/2025 13:26

Knock yourself out. Why don’t you ask politely for research links before making negative assumptions?

1. Longitudinal study (2006–2012 Panel Data):
Husbands who viewed pornography more frequently in 2006 reported significantly lower marital quality by 2012, even controlling for earlier quality and sexual satisfaction. The negative effect applied to men – but not women, who sometimes even reported slightly higher marital quality with early use.

2. Couple-level longitudinal & cross‑sectional study (NJ sample, 1,234 individuals):
Watching porn alone was associated with lower relationship adjustment and commitment, less emotional intimacy, and less relationship satisfaction in men.

3. Discrepancy-based study (1,755 couples):
Greater differences between partners in porn usage were tied to lower relationship satisfaction and stability, more negative communication, and higher relational aggression – effects primarily driven by male behaviour mismatches.

4. Poulsen, Busby & Galovan (2013; 617 couples):
Male pornography use correlated with poorer sexual quality for both partners, while female use was sometimes positively linked to female sexual quality.

5. Cambridge Medicine longitudinal sample (Psychological Medicine journal):
After controlling for couple fixed effects, increases in men’s porn use over time predicted decreased partner-reported sexual satisfaction, while women’s usage showed no significant change in partner satisfaction.

Show quote history

Correlation
Causation

Not the same and frequently confused.

Familymanlondondad · 06/08/2025 01:26

LEWWW · 04/08/2025 02:24

Your issue isn’t the porn use per se, that’s just a red herring. Your issue is lack of affection & intimacy which you should definitely address with him. If porn use is a deal breaker for you, you need to communicate that.

This... the porn is a trigger. The base issue is as LEWWW states.

MoonbeamsGlittering · 06/08/2025 06:33

@Disturbia81 Mostly it just feels pathetic for most of my sex life to be solo even though I try to be a good husband. Watching a bit of something like a 1990s erotic drama (not the nasty extreme stuff on websites these days) can be a brief distraction from feeling rejected and wasted. I know the OP's situation is quite different. I guess different men watch porn for different reasons.

Gymbunny2025 · 06/08/2025 06:46

MoonbeamsGlittering · 06/08/2025 06:33

@Disturbia81 Mostly it just feels pathetic for most of my sex life to be solo even though I try to be a good husband. Watching a bit of something like a 1990s erotic drama (not the nasty extreme stuff on websites these days) can be a brief distraction from feeling rejected and wasted. I know the OP's situation is quite different. I guess different men watch porn for different reasons.

90s drama isn’t porn. What makes you think it is?!

Didimum · 06/08/2025 06:59

MissJoGrant · 06/08/2025 00:26

Correlation
Causation

Not the same and frequently confused.

Show quote history

Yep, I know the difference thanks. And you don’t get to label something correlation without strong evidence that it is either, so …

Gymbunny2025 · 06/08/2025 07:03

AnotherVice · 06/08/2025 00:15

I’d be interested to hear people’s take on this aspect; I can understand that porn is visually arousing and to masturbate is just scratching an itch when your partner is unavailable or you’re too tired for much effort. What I struggle with is the thought my partner is actually fantasising about it when we’re together, and undermines our connection. Does anyone else worry about this?

I think it’s the other way around. I think men who have good sexual relationships with their partners will often think about them while they masturbate (whilst also watching porn).

I guess if a man no longer enjoys sex with his partner he may well be thinking about others (be it colleagues, porn stars or OF)

MoonbeamsGlittering · 06/08/2025 07:05

@Gymbunny2025 When I was younger, those 90s dramas were called soft porn, and videos of real sex were called hard porn. I thought that watching topless people pretending to have sex might still count as porn for some people, and might still make some partners feel like their partner was doing something inappropriate and unhelpful for the relationship.

Gymbunny2025 · 06/08/2025 07:12

MoonbeamsGlittering · 06/08/2025 07:05

@Gymbunny2025 When I was younger, those 90s dramas were called soft porn, and videos of real sex were called hard porn. I thought that watching topless people pretending to have sex might still count as porn for some people, and might still make some partners feel like their partner was doing something inappropriate and unhelpful for the relationship.

If you want something a bit more hardcore search up When Harry met Sally. Sally pretending to have an orgasm is even hotter than actors pretending to have sex 😂

ForTipsyFinch · 06/08/2025 07:21

Most men DO watch porn. The only ones who likely don’t, are men who have unpicked their privileges in a patriarchal society and have an active understanding of how porn and the industry at large can have very negative real life consequences across many areas - and how many men do we suppose have done this? Not many.

I’m long term single so I can’t really add much as to how I would feel about it in a relationship, but I would say he’s likely watched it the entire time you have been together and is unlikely to just stop.

MoonbeamsGlittering · 06/08/2025 07:30

@Gymbunny2025 Yes, I've seen When Harry Met Sally. Don't you think some people would still be upset if their partners watched 90s soft porn? It's still a way of looking for sexual content outside the relationship, watching other naked people in a sexual way instead of one's partner, and so on. People who have set a "no porn" rule in a relationship might expect it to apply to this too. (I don't mean a film where a bit of sex is incidental; I mean one where several fake sex scenes are the main point of the film, and the "plot" outside that is barely relevant to anything.)

Gymbunny2025 · 06/08/2025 07:40

MoonbeamsGlittering · 06/08/2025 07:30

@Gymbunny2025 Yes, I've seen When Harry Met Sally. Don't you think some people would still be upset if their partners watched 90s soft porn? It's still a way of looking for sexual content outside the relationship, watching other naked people in a sexual way instead of one's partner, and so on. People who have set a "no porn" rule in a relationship might expect it to apply to this too. (I don't mean a film where a bit of sex is incidental; I mean one where several fake sex scenes are the main point of the film, and the "plot" outside that is barely relevant to anything.)

You should get Netflix

🤯😂

maybeinanotherlife06 · 29/10/2025 07:54

usedtobeaylis · 04/08/2025 13:28

'If only my wife paid me more attention I wouldn't need to exploit other women'

Just as well you're not trying to justify it though eh.

This !

divorcinganabsolutewanker · 29/10/2025 09:00

You are not being melodramatic, you're being way ott.

Crikeyalmighty · 29/10/2025 13:56

Ownedbykitties · 05/08/2025 21:34

Me too. I've been retired several years so met lots of men and had relationships with a good few and I've never found this unicorn species of men that do not watch porn. It is a huge ick for me as it is for many women including the OP.

Show quote history

Indeed and knowing how much my H watches it ( mist says) ( without knowing that I know as I still have the internet filters on from when my son was a teen but now block nothing) has been a total turn off sexually for me - so a viscious circle for him. I did this due to a few somewhat disloyal things at one point to protect myself - in many ways I wish I had thought sod it and left .

Notthehill · 29/10/2025 15:39

How did men manage for thousands of years without an infinite supply of onscreen pornography?

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