Cliche, caught husband watching porn

[Krispiecakes24]

First time poster, long time lurker. I've read so many people receiving words of wisdom here and I can't believe I'm posting. Here goes.

Married 16 years, together 20 and 2 DC. Found my husband's phone in the bathroom of our holiday apartment, still on and showing lesbian porn. He came back to gwt it and saw me so he knows I know. I am so shocked and upset. I know some people are ok with porn but we've never used it in our relationship and never discussed that he uses it sometimes. It's made me feel ugly, unwanted, undesirable, stupid and naive. He's not who I thought he was.

Cliche, we've been having less sex lately for the usual reasons - young kids, busy lives, too tired but we've been speaking about it (at my insistence) and we've always been able to speak about anything. I get upset about lack of affection from him, I feel like he jumps straight to sex when he's barely touched me for days and I hate it.

We've talked tonight once DC were in bed and he was almost defensive, said most men watch porn, it's a fantasy and not real life and he's really ashamed. I told him how it made me feel and he said nothing. I honestly don't know where we go from here. We're working on other issues and have looked into marriage counselling but never got round to booking anything.

He's ruined our holiday (I feigned feeling unwell to explain my mood to DCs and missed out on a sunny afternoon with them) and I feel he's ruined us. Am I being melodramatic? He's sleeping in another room tonight, not sure how long we'll get away with that in front of DC. I love our family so much, I'm just devastated.

Hi all new to the page and really after some advice, this maybe a long one so settle down.
I’ve been with my partner 10 years and we’ve always openly talked about how we both watch porn! I’m not shy to admit that sometimes the need arises and he’s not around! Anyway it came to light the other week that he’s been paying to watch on only fans! (I found out as he accidentally used our joint card) I was about to get on the phone to the bank and he confessed it was him! He was incredibly embarrassed and apologetic. Then a few weeks later I come across his treads account (never really used the app myself but I have one) and I can see he’s been commenting on pictures saying gorgeous etc (although I can’t see the pictures only his comments) and that triggered another conversation. I got upset and again he apologised saying he really didn’t mean to upset me. Now my question is.. knowing he watches porn am I justified to feel betrayed that he pays for it? And do you consider commenting on pics ok or a form of cheating? I know he’s never physically cheated on me he’s absolutely not that kind of guy but now I’m just second guessing our whole relationship.
thanks for reading

Only if you're conducting your survey down the local RNIB drop-in centre.

It IS weird for op to feel excluded from her husband's sexuality in this way, though. Think that's how the conversation should be approached. It's not like his libido is gone he's just not being intimate with his actual wife.

Porn aside, isn't it ok to sometimes just want a bit of self satisfaction rather than intimacy and connection? There are times when I just want a really good quick orgasm, not a conversation about feelings.

How can you possibly know most men don’t use porn?

Well, thanks for explaining what was going through my head! Good to know 🤣🤣

There are men who don’t watch porn.
But there are more who do

I would recommend starting a new thread @Missbusybody91

FWIW I think paying is different. He’s paying a specific person for their specific content. It isn’t just wank material. This would hurt me and considering there is a tonne of free porn out there, paying for it seems extra level and would cross a line for me.

Exactly.

Porn is soul-destroying, "abyss-looking-back-at-you" level of degeneracy.

Having sex and masturbating are two different things. They’re not either or.

sex requires you to be present etc etc. sometimes people just want to get off quickly or scratch an itch or decompress

@Krispiecakes24 - I’d be questioning the WIFI BS he’s giving you, to access any reputable porn sites now you have to provide ID (finally!) or he’s downloaded a VPN, this just adds to the premeditated secrecy imo!

Aside from this, how is your sex life? Is he turning you down in favour of porn do you think - if so sounds like he has a problem with it!

It's the lack of a moral framework in the uber-liberal society we live in, and the terror to even entertain the idea of thinking about possibly having a shared moral compass: that is what is behind of all the "but all men watch porn", and alsobehind all the "your emotions are perfectly valid, of course", "only you know if it's an issue", "well if you've never discussed it previously...".

Personally, I'm a "condemn the sin, not the sinner" kind of girl: I'm perfectly fine holding both the certainty that porn is evil and that we all have our own demons.

I can understand your feelings.

Though out of all the porn he could have been watching, lesbian porn is probably the least problematic for you.

He wasn’t watching homosexual porn, so he’s not gay. Result, since you’re married to him. Lesbian porn probably didn’t have horrible things happening to women. Result.

So he just wanted a bit of titillation to wank to in the bathroom. I know you don’t like it but it could’ve been much much worse. Little consolation for you by the sounds of it but I hope you don’t judge him too severely.

None of this says that men who watch porn are less able to sustain relationships.

They report relationship dissatisfaction, lower adjustment and poor sexual satisfaction. You’re free to draw what conclusion of that you like, as are others.

There might certainly be a correlation between a relationship being unhappy and increased porn use, but that doesn't imply causation.

It’s doesn’t imply correlation either. So what of it?

it's unhelpful and reductive to suggest that men are the only ones who enjoy this stuff.

I didn’t suggest it.

You’re very welcome.

Your reply to that other poster betrays that you don’t have a strong understanding of statistics. @BauhausOfEliott was correct in what they said. But you will of course argue it despite that.

Where did I say I did?

Wouldn't bother me.

It never fails to amaze me whenever there is a thread on MN about porn all the apologists for porn are desperate to convince everyone that women just have to accept that men use porn and women have to accept it.
They are desperate to condition women into believing that they have to accept it in their relationships.

Meanwhile I can't remember the last time he touched me.

This is the issue.

It’s not just men who watch porn many women do too.

I know women watch porn too.

Personally I find it pretty inexplicable that some women watch the same violent, misogynistic, exploitative stuff that men do.

I know some claim to watch "ethical " porn.

I’d be more shocked if he wasn’t watching porn, no idea why you are making such an issue of it. Welcome to the real world.

It’s the leaving it visible in the bathroom for you (or the kids) to see that would bother me. I don’t care if my dh watches porn as long as I don’t know about it.

I think you are the person who has spoiled the holiday.

It’s perfectly fine to have boundaries around porn. If you aren’t comfortable with your husband viewing it, you have to establish that as a rule in your relationship. If you never said anything, he has no way of knowing that you view this as a violation.

The fact is that most men do view porn as benign. They have been told by our culture that it is acceptable. I’m not going to offer an opinion here because my opinion does not matter.

What does matter is that marriage is based on communication. If you don’t tell him that porn is a limit for you, he can’t know. If you don’t tell him you are unhappy with your sex life, he can’t know that either.

have a real conversation and agree on boundaries. You didn’t do this before getting married and having kids so you will need to negotiate with him. It’s a conversation not an edict. Ideally you both end up comfortable with the final rules.

And therein lies another problem with pornography. Instead of asking why you feel less connected with your wife and working on that, you trot off and wank to exploited women having sex detached from relationships. The first option is the mature and decent one, the second is a pathetic cop out.