I think he's going to propose and I'm panicking

[BiscuitStealer]

Hi all - sorry this might be a bit all over the place, just needed to vent and maybe get a bit of perspective 😩

Bit of backstory - I’ve known my partner since we were about 12, we grew up in the same area and sort of floated in and out of each others lives and finally got together properly about 2 and a half years ago. I’m 30 in September and he’s already said he’s planning something for my birthday and now I’m spiralling thinking he’s going to propose?? And now I’m not sure what I’d say and that’s making me feel like an awful person.

He’s honestly such a lovely partner. Sweet, kind, funny, thoughtful. Like he’ll do the little things without being asked, always making me a cuppa before I even know I want one. He’s been amazing with my DS (7), they’ve known each other since DS was a baby and he’s just always been there. School runs, bedtime stories, days out to the farm or Legoland, the works. DS has started calling him “dad” sometimes and it melts me honestly, like switches between that and his name, and my partner never makes a thing of it just goes with whatever DS is comfortable with.

So yeah he’s great.

He’s also bisexual which is totally fine with me, it’s just a part of him and he’s always been upfront. Thing is - he’s had more relationships with men and definitely more sexual experience with men. Like I know for a fact he’s had more boyfriends than girlfriends and he’s even said he feels more confident sexually with men.

Which brings me to the bit I’m panicking about 😬

We had a bit of a pregnancy scare last month (false alarm thank god) and it just made me think like… what if we do end up married, maybe more kids, but the sex is just… not it? He’s just not very good in bed 😞 and I feel so shallow for even saying it. He’s not selfish or anything like that, just… he seems awkward? Like overly gentle, too hesitant, almost like he’s not really into it? Doesn’t take charge at all and I don’t want to be the only one initiating everything forever. I’ve tried to be open and encourage him but he sort of clams up or acts like he’s worried he’ll do something wrong. I’m his longest relationship with a woman so maybe he just doesn’t feel fully at ease??

To be blunt it always feels like we’re doing it by numbers. He’ll do the whole foreplay thing but it feels like he’s going through a checklist. Touch here, kiss there, ok now sex. No real build up or passion. He doesn’t seem to get properly turned on unless I’m directing everything and even then it can feel like he’s holding back. Like he’s trying so hard to do things “right” that he’s not actually into it. I don’t know if that makes sense.

It’s like there’s a wall I can’t get past with him. I’ve tried asking what he likes or what turns him on and he always says “I like whatever you like” which is sweet but it’s also not an answer. I want to feel like he wants me.

And I hate saying it because he is such a good man and treats me better than anyone I’ve been with, but I’ve honestly had better sex in much worse relationships. Like the sort of men I wouldn’t trust with my handbag let alone my kid, but at least in bed there was actual passion. Actual fire.

And now this birthday trip is looming and he’s being so sweet and excited about it and I feel like a total cow because I’ve got this voice in my head going “what if he proposes and I freeze and say no.”

The reason I think he might is he’s been weirdly nervous about the birthday plans. Like normally he just lets me pick what I want to do or we plan something together. This time he’s booked something in advance, says it’s a surprise, keeps checking I’ve got the weekend off work. I caught him looking at rings on his laptop a couple weeks back when I walked in the room and he slammed it shut and went all red. So yeah. I think it’s coming.

And I don’t want to hurt him or ruin what we have but also I can’t ignore this knot in my stomach.

I don’t even know what I’m asking here really. I love him and he loves me and DS and on paper it’s all great but something is niggling and I can’t tell if it’s fear or instinct.

Sorry this is long and rambly. Just needed to let it out.

I did end up having a bit of a chat with him last night, not a huge heavy thing but just enough to clear the air a bit.

So we were watching something on TV and I don’t even remember how it came up exactly but I said one of the comments someone made on here got me thinking and I asked him gently if he’d mostly been the bottom when he was with men. He looked a bit surprised but he said yeah, he was, probably like 90% of the time. Not always, but that was definitely his usual role. He was really open about it actually and said it wasn’t something he missed or thought about anymore, like he doesn’t sit there fantasising about it. If there’s a good-looking guy in a film or on TV he’ll say so but that’s about it, and he said he doesn’t feel like he’s “missing” something being with me.

He was clear though that he’d never expect me to do anything related to that side of his past. He was really serious about that part. Like it’s not something he wants or would ever want me to feel pressured into or even consider, and it’s not something he feels he needs from a partner now.

I also brought up the sex stuff as gently as I could. Just said I’d been feeling a bit disconnected sometimes and that I felt like I was always the one guiding things, and it made me feel a bit stuck in my head about it. He actually took it really well. Said he knows he doesn’t always take control and it’s not that he doesn’t want to but sometimes he gets nervous about doing it “wrong” and then overthinks everything. He said he does like when I take the lead and that it’s something he’s into, but he also gets that it needs to be more balanced and that I shouldn’t feel like I’m carrying all of it.

So yeah, it was a decent conversation. I don’t think anything’s magically fixed overnight but it helped.

To the posters who suggested talking about where we both see things going - we did actually have a proper conversation last month after the pregnancy scare. We both agreed we’re not ready for another baby yet. He’s in the middle of trying to change jobs because the company he’s at isn’t doing great and he’d rather move on his own terms before things totally go under. So we said we’d maybe try in about a year or so, once things feel a bit more secure.

@BiscuitStealer that sounds positive and it does make sense. He sounds like he was honest with you. Baby steps...

He's gay OP, and I'd say he's trying to shoehorn himself into a type of heterosexual life he aspires to be part of. Maybe he does love you, but not in a romantic partner way.

Better sex can be had with men that are as nice as him.

Can see this ending in tears probably a few years down the line. He’s gay op.

If he's a bottom then he likes being penetrated. Its that simple. How are you going to fulfill that side of him? And i dont like his use of "for now"

The more you post, the more I think you are trying to convince yourself (and us) that he is bi and not gay. I think he’s gay.

Thanks for the update, OP. It does sound like he sees himself as committed to you. Also, it’s good that you’re able to have these tricky conversations. Good luck.

Maybe I'm being idealistic but if you're not excited about spending the rest of your life in this relationship - what it's like now - then please don't feel pressured into marrying, or even being proposed to - you need to talk about the future properly before you're put on the spot.

If the sex wasn't an issue, how would you feel? Would you be thrilled to be committing to him (and him to you) forever?

It sounds as though he is happy to look past it for now because he has made other priorities in his life. But it's hard to imagine someone spending a lifetime denying themselves their natural inclination, especially if further down the line OP is preoccupied with childcare.

"Doing it by numbers" is a rather bleak existence for both parties to this relationship, regardless of a harmonious friendship.

If he has moved in, your son calls him Dad and you are actively planning to try for a baby together.....what is the hang-up about marriage in particular?
If you don't get married but plan to carry on like this, what do you think would be different about actually being married to each other (legal protections aside) - is the sticking point actually that your expectations of your wedding involved being blinded by love but this feels like settling? If you think staying with him would be settling and you don't want to do that, you need to actively choose to do something else - in this position it isn't a proposal that would change things but breaking up. (I think that it sounds like you have quite a good thing there and should communicate more rather than leaping to ltb though).

He’s gay babe. Move on

Yep. He’s gay.

I couldn’t care less about who likes what for sex as long as it’s legal, but I would not be in a relationship with a bi-sexual man. There will always be a part of you that cannot give him what he likes/wants.

Fuck that.

I really hate this rhetoric on MN that if someone is bisexual it means they are gay.

I am bisexual. I have had sexual relationships with 4 women. I am married to a man, the ONLY man I have ever been with and he is my soulmate. My everything.

I don't even think about women now, he is my husband and I only think about him.

Its really sickening the way people on here tar bisexual people with the 'secretly 100% gay' brush.

But did you feel as though you were just going through the motions of having sex with him? Because that is specifically the problem OP is posting about, and it doesn't take a genius to work out why that might be.

@PinPini I completely understand your viewpoint. My daughter is also bi-sexual and has been in a fully committed relationship with a man for the past 6 years (marrying in October). Previous to this relationship, she’d been with her female partner for 4 years (and a heady mix of men and women in the ‘tween times’ 😬) So, I get it.

However, in the OPs case, it does actually sound like her DP may be gay, but possibly doesn’t even realise it (or want to acknowledge it) from everything the OP says about him.

No advice for the OP, just good luck with whatever you decide. I can understand how tricky this is for you. 💖

It's several weeks until your birthday. You have zero obligation to tie up the rest of your life to this man just so as not to disrupt his plans for your birthday!

I'd have a proper chat with him about sex. Now. Over the next few weeks. About all of sex. Is he submissive with men? Does he find it difficult to take the lead with you? You need dome time in bed not leading to sex but just finding out what's fun instinctively.

I think you should just talk to him about sex. Don’t wait a month for a possible proposal, say yes and then embarrass him or backtrack. You love everything else about him, so forget any proposal and have a casual chat about your concerns. Sounds like you’re a good team and hopefully he’ll be able to give you honest answers…

If you've got to start a thread on MN about a proposal from someone you've known most of your life, it means it isn't right. You're hoping we'll convince you to go ahead. Please don't make a life decision based on what we think. You should be tripping over yourself to get married to him instead of which you have serious doubts about a major element of the relationship.

You need to prioritise your children, they need stability. calling him Dad isn't a sign that all is well. It all sounds very mixed up which is likely to get worse if you get married, because the pressure to make something work, when even before marriage you have serious doubts, will be immense.

You just really need a good talk with him. I resent the other posters saying he's gay or that they wouldn't date a bi man. Bi phobia is real in this thread!!

Ask him to talk and be really honest - you are super happy but your sex life is missing something and could you please try X and X and could be more forthcoming. You have to be honest if it's going to work out.